1 00:00:03,654 --> 00:00:05,788 [water splashing] 2 00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:11,185 Nick, your houseguest is urinating in the bathroom 3 00:00:11,272 --> 00:00:13,012 Tony the Tiger style. 4 00:00:13,099 --> 00:00:14,753 Naked with a kerchief?What? 5 00:00:14,839 --> 00:00:16,103 Naked with a kerchief. 6 00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:19,844 No, what do you call top, no pants? 7 00:00:19,931 --> 00:00:21,934 Oh, that's like a Winnie the Pooh or a Paddington.Honey the Smacks Frog. 8 00:00:22,021 --> 00:00:23,196 There's a Donald the Duck.SCHMIDT: I guess pretty much 9 00:00:23,283 --> 00:00:24,240 any kind of bear except for Yogi 10 00:00:24,327 --> 00:00:25,676 'cause that's naked with a tie. 11 00:00:25,763 --> 00:00:27,330 Alvin, Simon, Theodore. 12 00:00:27,417 --> 00:00:29,463 I saw his entire butt. 13 00:00:29,550 --> 00:00:31,030 Look, Dirk's a good guy. 14 00:00:31,117 --> 00:00:33,119 He was my roommate when I was in law school. 15 00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:35,731 Smartest guy I know.So, he's a lawyer? 16 00:00:35,817 --> 00:00:37,820 No, he's not a lawyer, but he does have a law degree, 17 00:00:37,906 --> 00:00:39,343 a business degree, and a master's in agriculture. 18 00:00:39,429 --> 00:00:40,779 He's kind of like a degree collector. 19 00:00:40,865 --> 00:00:43,259 He's got his PhD in poetry, so... 20 00:00:43,347 --> 00:00:45,045 That sucks for poems. 21 00:00:45,131 --> 00:00:46,481 How'd it go with Fancyman? 22 00:00:46,567 --> 00:00:48,526 It was an amazing first date, 23 00:00:48,612 --> 00:00:51,180 except for one awkward part at the end. 24 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:54,228 I don't go on dates very often. 25 00:00:54,314 --> 00:00:56,926 Guys my age always want to skip the date 26 00:00:57,012 --> 00:00:58,927 and just go right for the gold. 27 00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:02,104 Which I don't give them 28 00:01:02,192 --> 00:01:03,801 because I'm stingy with my gold. 29 00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:05,674 Unless they dig for it. 30 00:01:09,329 --> 00:01:11,200 I haven't even gotten to the awkward part yet. 31 00:01:11,287 --> 00:01:13,159 Oh, hi. 32 00:01:18,903 --> 00:01:21,081 VALET: Black sedan? 33 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,691 Uh, yeah. 34 00:01:22,777 --> 00:01:24,692 [quietly] What? 35 00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:26,868 So, he patted me on the back. 36 00:01:26,956 --> 00:01:28,043 I thought I'd at least get 37 00:01:28,131 --> 00:01:30,525 a front pat. Whoo-ha! 38 00:01:30,611 --> 00:01:31,656 [chuckling] What? 39 00:01:31,742 --> 00:01:33,093 Look, 40 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,484 he probably just got nervous. 41 00:01:34,572 --> 00:01:35,790 No, Russell's never nervous. 42 00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:37,313 That's the worst answer. 43 00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:38,533 [phone ringing]Winston, what do you think? 44 00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:39,751 Oh, thank God. 45 00:01:39,837 --> 00:01:40,969 Hey, what's up, baby? 46 00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:42,319 Ooh.Hey, is that Shelby? 47 00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:44,191 [whipping noise][meows] 48 00:01:44,277 --> 00:01:45,627 What was that?That was a cat sound. 49 00:01:45,713 --> 00:01:47,585 Oh, because you did the whip, we should've... 50 00:01:47,671 --> 00:01:48,978 Guys!It should have been the other way around. 51 00:01:49,064 --> 00:01:50,674 Okay, I'm just gonna ask Cece. 52 00:01:50,762 --> 00:01:53,112 But next time you guys want advice about girls, 53 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,810 don't come crawling to me. 54 00:01:54,896 --> 00:01:56,027 You got it. That sounds good. 55 00:01:56,115 --> 00:01:58,682 No, that was a joke; I love it 56 00:01:58,770 --> 00:02:00,772 when you guys ask me stuff. It makes me feel really important. 57 00:02:00,858 --> 00:02:02,644 and I love it..."One shade the more, 58 00:02:02,730 --> 00:02:04,210 "One ray the less, 59 00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:06,734 "Had half impaired the nameless grace." 60 00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,780 Are you wearing a ladies' scarf? 61 00:02:08,866 --> 00:02:09,955 Come to my lecture tomorrow night. 62 00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:12,610 Absolutely not. 63 00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:14,699 She's missing out, my man. 64 00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,179 Yeah?Hey, Schmidt? 65 00:02:16,265 --> 00:02:17,572 Mind if I borrow your car to take Shelby to the airport? 66 00:02:17,658 --> 00:02:19,355 Oh, I don't have a car,Winston. 67 00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:22,490 Hey, Schmidt, uh, you mind if I use the, uh, 68 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:24,579 "man-bulance"? 69 00:02:24,665 --> 00:02:26,319 The man-bulance is resting. He needs to get ready 70 00:02:26,407 --> 00:02:28,365 for the corporate team-building retreat on Monday. 71 00:02:28,451 --> 00:02:30,062 That's cool. I'm sure the man-bulance couldn't handle 72 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,673 all of Shelby's luggage anyway. 73 00:02:31,759 --> 00:02:33,675 Ooh... What the hell is wrong with you, Winston? 74 00:02:33,762 --> 00:02:35,894 The man-bulance could fit the luggage of nine Shelbys. 75 00:02:35,980 --> 00:02:37,243 It has the towing capacity 76 00:02:37,331 --> 00:02:38,680 of a thousand Shelbys. 77 00:02:38,766 --> 00:02:39,897 You know what? Here you go, Winston. 78 00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:41,073 There you go. 79 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,813 Enjoy luxury.All good, man. 80 00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:44,598 I got your second set, so thank you. 81 00:02:44,686 --> 00:02:45,990 How'd you get my second set of keys? 82 00:02:46,078 --> 00:02:47,253 Hey, someone left your door open. 83 00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:49,211 Someone left your face beautiful. 84 00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:51,562 Who is that? 85 00:02:51,649 --> 00:02:52,781 JESS: Apparently, his name is Dirk. 86 00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:57,219 Sorry, Dirk, I'm seeing somebody. 87 00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:58,699 DIRK: But should that stop you 88 00:02:58,787 --> 00:03:00,441 from seeing this? 89 00:03:00,527 --> 00:03:02,050 Yeah! 90 00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:03,878 That's awesome.Does he keep you happy? 91 00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:04,662 He does what he's told. 92 00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:08,752 So you're the boss and he's your little secretary? 93 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,580 Oh, 94 00:03:10,668 --> 00:03:12,192 you're a sex-cretary? 95 00:03:12,278 --> 00:03:13,975 I am definitely the boss. 96 00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,413 Sex-cretary, he just made that up. 97 00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:18,980 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 98 00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:20,417 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 99 00:03:20,503 --> 00:03:22,026 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 100 00:03:22,114 --> 00:03:23,768 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ It's Jess ♪ 101 00:03:23,854 --> 00:03:26,423 I hate bachelorette parties. 102 00:03:26,509 --> 00:03:28,817 I have, like 50 different penis items in my carry-on. 103 00:03:28,903 --> 00:03:30,340 This plane goes down, there's gonna be 104 00:03:30,426 --> 00:03:32,776 some sharks doing some really weird stuff. 105 00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:34,474 Sharks? I thought you were going to Vegas? 106 00:03:34,562 --> 00:03:35,824 No, I'm going to Mexico. I thought I told you that. 107 00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:37,086 Hmm-mm. 108 00:03:37,173 --> 00:03:38,521 Well, if you don't want me to go, 109 00:03:38,609 --> 00:03:40,132 I don't have to go. 110 00:03:40,219 --> 00:03:41,917 No, no, no, no, no, no, I want you to go. 111 00:03:42,003 --> 00:03:43,484 It'll be good, you know? 112 00:03:43,570 --> 00:03:45,137 We spent the last five nights together. 113 00:03:45,224 --> 00:03:47,009 I mean, you know, we both could use some space. 114 00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:50,664 Right. 115 00:03:52,753 --> 00:03:54,843 Did I say something wrong?What? 116 00:03:54,930 --> 00:03:58,150 I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you across all the space. 117 00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:02,590 [whispering] Hey. 118 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,983 Great news, um, Jess is taking a shower. 119 00:04:05,069 --> 00:04:08,159 Okay, I just need, like, a good, solid ten minutes. 120 00:04:08,247 --> 00:04:09,509 Eat this granola bar first. 121 00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:12,860 I want to try something called the horse trough. 122 00:04:14,036 --> 00:04:15,515 No, Cece. 123 00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:17,300 I'm not having sex with you right now. 124 00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:18,954 I have to get everybody in the company's name 125 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,389 into a version of "We Didn't Start the Fire." 126 00:04:20,476 --> 00:04:21,738 Totally fine. 127 00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:24,264 What do you need, like, 20 minutes? 128 00:04:24,350 --> 00:04:26,134 Cece, this... [chuckles] Okay, this is real work 129 00:04:26,221 --> 00:04:29,529 for my real boss who is not you. 130 00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:33,316 Oh, I get what's happening here. 131 00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:37,146 It's 'cause Ponytail called you a "sex receptionist." 132 00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:39,278 A sex receptionist answers calls all day. 133 00:04:39,365 --> 00:04:42,629 A sex-cretary does scheduling, light filing, 134 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,108 basically runs the office. 135 00:04:44,196 --> 00:04:45,502 So, first of all, 136 00:04:45,588 --> 00:04:47,634 thank you for the demotion. 137 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:48,810 And second of all, I quit. 138 00:04:48,896 --> 00:04:50,332 So, I'll see you tonight. 139 00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:52,117 Did you not hear anything I just said? 140 00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:55,120 Oh, no, I totally heard you loud and clear, 141 00:04:55,206 --> 00:04:59,516 but do you know who didn't happen to hear you? 142 00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,125 What are you doing? 143 00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:01,997 Don't-don't-don't involve them. 144 00:05:02,084 --> 00:05:03,476 Oh, my... 145 00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:04,781 They just didn't hear. 146 00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:05,783 Don't bring them into this. 147 00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:07,002 Don't tell me. 148 00:05:07,088 --> 00:05:09,396 Tell them. 149 00:05:11,658 --> 00:05:13,269 Hi. 150 00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:17,185 [chuckles] I guess, uh, Harold, Kumar, 151 00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:18,839 I love... I love you both. 152 00:05:18,927 --> 00:05:21,930 All the zany adventures we've had. 153 00:05:22,016 --> 00:05:24,324 But we can't go to White Castle today. 154 00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:25,367 Just can't do it. 155 00:05:25,454 --> 00:05:26,629 You're serious about this? 156 00:05:26,716 --> 00:05:28,718 JESS: Cece? 157 00:05:28,805 --> 00:05:30,417 Is Schmidt bothering you? 158 00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:31,896 [whispering] This is not over. 159 00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:34,769 Okay? 160 00:05:34,855 --> 00:05:36,814 Was it like a caress or like a... like a pat? 161 00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:38,555 No, like a pat; it was distinctly a pat, 162 00:05:38,641 --> 00:05:39,903 and it was actually kind of hot. 163 00:05:39,990 --> 00:05:41,341 The man knows how to pat a back. 164 00:05:41,427 --> 00:05:43,125 At any point during the night, 165 00:05:43,211 --> 00:05:45,257 did you do your Kermit the Frog imitation? 166 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,562 Maybe. 167 00:05:46,649 --> 00:05:47,824 [as Kermit]: Once or twice. 168 00:05:47,911 --> 00:05:49,697 No, stop, it freaks me out and you know. 169 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:51,524 Well, what do I do? 170 00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:53,048 I really, really want to see him again, like, badly. 171 00:05:53,134 --> 00:05:55,223 You just call him.I can't. 172 00:05:55,310 --> 00:05:56,617 He's too sophisticated. 173 00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,226 He told me he'd run with the bulls, 174 00:05:58,314 --> 00:05:59,793 and I quote, 175 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,709 "not the touristy bulls in Pamplona." 176 00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,232 Big deal. Just call him. 177 00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,930 Schmidt says the moment a woman touches a phone, 178 00:06:06,016 --> 00:06:08,541 she loses her power unless she's sexting, 179 00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:10,891 in which case, she gains a half power. 180 00:06:10,978 --> 00:06:12,067 Okay, well, that's Schmidt just talking... 181 00:06:12,153 --> 00:06:13,677 I mean, what does Schmidt know? 182 00:06:13,764 --> 00:06:15,591 Look, all the guys that you live with-- boys. 183 00:06:15,678 --> 00:06:17,158 You've only dated boys. 184 00:06:17,245 --> 00:06:19,379 Russell is a grown man, 185 00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:20,771 and I bet he likes women 186 00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:22,773 who know what they want and ask for it. 187 00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:25,994 He has a hot air balloon in a hangar in Palm Springs. 188 00:06:26,081 --> 00:06:27,865 Okay, sweetheart, you are sophisticated. 189 00:06:27,951 --> 00:06:29,345 You've just got to pick up the phone, 190 00:06:29,432 --> 00:06:31,694 and you ask him out for dinner. 191 00:06:31,781 --> 00:06:33,393 You know what? You're right: I am sophisticated. 192 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,480 I'm gonna do this. 193 00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:36,483 What is that? 194 00:06:36,569 --> 00:06:38,180 It's a phone. 195 00:06:38,266 --> 00:06:39,180 Oh, God. 196 00:06:42,966 --> 00:06:45,492 Thus ends our journey through the words of time. 197 00:06:45,579 --> 00:06:47,971 From Dylan Thomas to Bob Dylan, 198 00:06:48,058 --> 00:06:50,105 from Dylan to Dylan. 199 00:06:50,192 --> 00:06:53,413 They're both named Dylan. 200 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:54,935 Watch him bring it home, man.Do I have to? 201 00:06:55,023 --> 00:06:56,502 We have to rage. 202 00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:58,939 "Rage against the dying of the light. 203 00:06:59,026 --> 00:07:00,507 "And when the light 204 00:07:00,593 --> 00:07:03,596 is no longer bright." 205 00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:05,250 [harmonica plays] 206 00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:11,343 "Don't think twice, it's all right." 207 00:07:11,430 --> 00:07:12,605 It's over. 208 00:07:12,692 --> 00:07:15,043 [applause, whistling] 209 00:07:15,129 --> 00:07:16,523 Smartest guy I know. 210 00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:19,656 Professor? 211 00:07:19,742 --> 00:07:20,831 Professor? Yeah? 212 00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:22,266 We wanted to remind you 213 00:07:22,353 --> 00:07:24,617 about the post-lecture wine and cheese event. 214 00:07:24,704 --> 00:07:26,228 A soiree, eh? 215 00:07:26,314 --> 00:07:27,707 Super classy. 216 00:07:27,795 --> 00:07:30,492 Crackers, bubbles, crab, hummus. 217 00:07:30,579 --> 00:07:32,930 Yeah, I-I e-mailed you about that. 218 00:07:33,016 --> 00:07:35,237 That was me.Oh, sometimes when I get a really long e-mail... 219 00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:39,762 I don't read it. 220 00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:40,764 [sighing] 221 00:07:40,850 --> 00:07:42,461 Bye. 222 00:07:42,548 --> 00:07:45,334 Oh, Mommy. 223 00:07:45,420 --> 00:07:46,944 [laughing] All right, Dirk, what about Deb? 224 00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:48,555 You guys having problems or something? 225 00:07:48,641 --> 00:07:50,470 No, no, no, everything's fine. 226 00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:52,776 She left me and moved out of the house. 227 00:07:52,862 --> 00:07:55,257 I guess it was "too hard to support me." 228 00:07:55,343 --> 00:07:57,215 "Financially." 229 00:07:57,302 --> 00:07:59,478 It's all fine; her leaving has allowed me to realize 230 00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,132 the one thing that was missing in my life. 231 00:08:01,218 --> 00:08:02,132 Scarves? 232 00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:04,048 Undergraduate ladies. 233 00:08:04,134 --> 00:08:06,007 You see, girls our age, what do they want? 234 00:08:06,093 --> 00:08:08,052 They want us to wed them, sire their children. 235 00:08:08,139 --> 00:08:09,096 They want you to have 236 00:08:09,184 --> 00:08:10,533 a-a bedframe. Right, yeah. 237 00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:12,100 Hmm? They want you to eat off plates, 238 00:08:12,187 --> 00:08:13,492 but girls in college 239 00:08:13,579 --> 00:08:14,884 all they want you to do 240 00:08:14,971 --> 00:08:18,235 is tell them that their photography has potential. 241 00:08:18,322 --> 00:08:20,411 Yeah, but don't they want to hang out wth guys their own age? 242 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,283 Have you hung out with a 20-year-old dude lately? 243 00:08:22,370 --> 00:08:25,199 Trust me, they are setting the bar very, very low.Right. 244 00:08:25,286 --> 00:08:27,245 They haven't even gone through their gay phase yet.Hey, man, I'm gonna 245 00:08:27,331 --> 00:08:28,682 give Shelby a call really quick. 246 00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,204 Just want to check on her, see if everything's all right. 247 00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:32,336 Sounds good, man.What, dude, relax, okay? 248 00:08:32,423 --> 00:08:34,251 I just said we're gonna give each other space, 249 00:08:34,338 --> 00:08:35,863 doesn't mean I can't call her, right, 250 00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,605 to see if anything funny happened on the plane. 251 00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:40,171 You know what "space" means, right? 252 00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:41,999 That's space to have sex with other people. 253 00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:44,306 No, space means you go to Mexico, 254 00:08:44,393 --> 00:08:46,221 and you do not have sex with other people. 255 00:08:46,307 --> 00:08:47,614 Watch this. 256 00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:49,832 Nick, don't give my any space. 257 00:08:49,919 --> 00:08:51,312 You got it, my man. 258 00:08:51,399 --> 00:08:53,096 See, this makes it pretty hard 259 00:08:53,183 --> 00:08:55,099 for you and I to have sex right now, doesn't it? 260 00:08:55,186 --> 00:08:56,665 Now, Nick, I want you 261 00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,145 to give me some space.You got it. 262 00:08:58,232 --> 00:09:00,844 All this space allows me opportunity 263 00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:02,542 to have as much sex as we want. 264 00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:03,499 Smartest guy I know. 265 00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:04,717 See how much sex 266 00:09:04,804 --> 00:09:07,328 we could be having?That-that does... 267 00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,591 Get out of my way, bookworms! 268 00:09:09,678 --> 00:09:11,855 You ready to make love to some college chicks? 269 00:09:11,942 --> 00:09:13,726 Hey, when's the last time you had mono? 270 00:09:13,813 --> 00:09:15,163 I don't know. 271 00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:18,078 Tomorrow, you're gonna say yesterday. 272 00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:20,037 CECE: I have that team-building research 273 00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:21,691 you asked for, Mr. Schmidt. 274 00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:22,909 [screams] 275 00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:25,433 What... are you wearing? 276 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,523 I don't... I don't know. 277 00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:28,697 I mean, I found this 278 00:09:28,784 --> 00:09:30,831 at the lost and found at the gym. 279 00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:33,963 I'm not really sure how sexy a sex-cretary is supposed to be. 280 00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:35,575 I've never had to do this. 281 00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,315 I've never had to seduce somebody before. 282 00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:38,881 If you're gonna seduce me, 283 00:09:38,969 --> 00:09:41,624 don't dress up like my aunt Frieda at Seder. 284 00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:43,974 Come on, okay? 285 00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:45,889 I will do anything, 286 00:09:45,975 --> 00:09:48,283 and I'll do it anywhere. 287 00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:49,197 All right? 288 00:09:51,198 --> 00:09:53,418 Even fantasy location... 289 00:09:53,504 --> 00:09:55,332 number three? 290 00:09:55,419 --> 00:09:57,509 [sighing] Okay. 291 00:09:57,596 --> 00:10:00,033 [mellow jazz playing] 292 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,254 Um, how good are the Beatles? 293 00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:05,125 Beatles are the best. 294 00:10:05,212 --> 00:10:06,996 Were you so upset when they broke up? 295 00:10:07,083 --> 00:10:08,912 I would have been, but I was one. 296 00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:11,871 [chuckles] 297 00:10:11,958 --> 00:10:14,221 Well, you're not one anymore. 298 00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:18,095 How's your prostate? 299 00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:20,053 Uh...I had my breast exam last week, 300 00:10:20,140 --> 00:10:21,446 and, like, they're fine. 301 00:10:21,533 --> 00:10:22,970 It's just boob in there, 302 00:10:23,057 --> 00:10:25,320 but we have to be careful. 303 00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:26,842 Our bodies are decaying. 304 00:10:26,929 --> 00:10:28,278 Are you okay? 305 00:10:28,365 --> 00:10:29,672 You seem strange. 306 00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:31,020 Why didn't we kiss the other night? 307 00:10:31,107 --> 00:10:32,022 [quietly] Sorry. 308 00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:33,110 [phone vibrating] 309 00:10:35,111 --> 00:10:36,374 I'm sorry. 310 00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:38,462 No, it's fine. Oh. 311 00:10:38,549 --> 00:10:39,769 What? Hey, I... 312 00:10:39,855 --> 00:10:41,770 Is everything okay? Oh.I got to go. 313 00:10:41,857 --> 00:10:43,554 This ought to take care of the dinner. Yeah. 314 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,384 Okay? 315 00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:47,821 Oh, I cannot believe I almost left 316 00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:49,169 without, um... 317 00:10:49,256 --> 00:10:50,301 Here, there's cab fare. 318 00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:51,215 Get home safe.Oh. 319 00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:57,091 [beep] 320 00:10:57,177 --> 00:10:58,440 Baby, look, I don't want space, okay? 321 00:10:58,527 --> 00:10:59,962 I don't want anyone to have space. 322 00:11:00,049 --> 00:11:01,878 I want to be standing right in front of you. 323 00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,663 I want the air that you breathe 324 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,969 to be the air coming directly from out of my mouth. 325 00:11:06,056 --> 00:11:08,144 I want to just be passing air back and forth 326 00:11:08,231 --> 00:11:10,104 between each other until it's mostly carbon dioxide 327 00:11:10,191 --> 00:11:12,759 and then we both pass out and die. 328 00:11:15,326 --> 00:11:16,850 [sighs] 329 00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:18,634 No flights tonight. 330 00:11:18,721 --> 00:11:21,028 Hey, Schmidt, do you mind if I borrow your car again? 331 00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:22,376 "Of course you can, Winston. You're so great." 332 00:11:22,463 --> 00:11:23,769 Thank you! 333 00:11:40,611 --> 00:11:42,004 [club music playing] 334 00:11:42,091 --> 00:11:43,485 Nope. 335 00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:44,965 Hey, my name's Nicholas. 336 00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:47,227 Nick, Nick. 337 00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:49,533 Buddy, nobody ever regretted throwing an after party. 338 00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:50,797 Oh, I do. 339 00:11:50,884 --> 00:11:52,363 Dirk, I feel so old here. 340 00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:54,235 Is calling a girl "Shorty" still cool? 341 00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:55,975 We just got to find your angle with these college girls. 342 00:11:56,062 --> 00:11:58,673 Your hook, your panty-melter. 343 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,284 Usually, my hook is that it's closing time, and I'm there. 344 00:12:01,371 --> 00:12:03,244 You were a panty-melting icon in law school. 345 00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:05,115 If panties were snowmen, 346 00:12:05,201 --> 00:12:07,509 you were March, bro. 347 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:11,251 Hey. 348 00:12:11,339 --> 00:12:13,035 Don't-don't do this.Skyler, Miriam, 349 00:12:13,123 --> 00:12:14,777 come over here for a second.Don't humiliate me, Dirk. 350 00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:15,951 How cool is my friend, Nick? 351 00:12:16,038 --> 00:12:17,475 Are you a professor, too? 352 00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:18,693 No, no, no, I'm a bartender. 353 00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:19,956 30 years old, 354 00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:21,827 I don't have health insurance. 355 00:12:21,914 --> 00:12:23,960 You know how to make drinks? 356 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,875 [whispering] Panty-melter. 357 00:12:25,961 --> 00:12:27,876 Do I know how to make drinks, did you say? 358 00:12:27,963 --> 00:12:29,749 Yeah, like alcoholic drinks? 359 00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:31,140 Yeah, I do that professionally. 360 00:12:31,227 --> 00:12:33,230 You could get me drunk professionally? 361 00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:34,927 Are you a cop? 362 00:12:35,014 --> 00:12:36,145 Sometimes. 363 00:12:36,232 --> 00:12:37,538 [both laugh] 364 00:12:37,625 --> 00:12:38,365 Do you have identification on you? 365 00:12:38,452 --> 00:12:39,584 [both laugh] 366 00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,197 [hip-hop music playing] 367 00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:49,202 I gotta call Jenna 368 00:12:49,289 --> 00:12:51,118 and tell her I'm making out with a bartender. 369 00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:53,206 Five nights a week. 370 00:12:53,293 --> 00:12:56,514 Jess, you made it to the party! 371 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,341 What's going on? Why is the cast 372 00:12:58,428 --> 00:13:00,126 of the Social Network in our apartment? 373 00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:01,955 Dirk is a genius! 374 00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:04,392 20-year-old girls-- they think I'm awesome! 375 00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:06,089 And look at 'em! 376 00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:08,177 They don't know what Saved by the Bellis 377 00:13:08,264 --> 00:13:09,440 and they've never felt pain. 378 00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:13,009 I'm Skyler's Fancyman! 379 00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:14,227 Can you believe it? 380 00:13:14,315 --> 00:13:15,490 Where's your Fancyman? Where is he? 381 00:13:15,576 --> 00:13:17,621 I don't know. It was horrible. 382 00:13:17,708 --> 00:13:20,799 He left and gave me $100 for a cab! 383 00:13:20,886 --> 00:13:22,235 You know what? 384 00:13:22,322 --> 00:13:24,455 I'm gonna use the remaining 90 385 00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:26,806 to get out of here and start a new life. 386 00:13:26,893 --> 00:13:28,197 It's been nice knowing you. 387 00:13:28,284 --> 00:13:31,158 ALL: Hey...! 388 00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:32,942 I'm gonna die alone! 389 00:13:33,028 --> 00:13:34,552 Oh, no! 390 00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:37,163 I am so, so sad right now. 391 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:39,948 My heart hurts! 392 00:13:40,036 --> 00:13:42,255 You want Nick to make you a bayberry breeze? 393 00:13:42,342 --> 00:13:44,475 'Cause he is so smart.So smart. 394 00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:46,476 Yes, I do. Yes, I do! 395 00:13:50,654 --> 00:13:52,657 This. [laughs] 396 00:13:52,744 --> 00:13:55,572 I'm not happy! 30 sucks! 397 00:13:55,659 --> 00:13:58,620 Ah, weird party move. 398 00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:05,452 ♪ It's time to try defying gravity ♪ 399 00:14:05,539 --> 00:14:10,719 ♪ I think I'll try defying gravity ♪ 400 00:14:10,806 --> 00:14:11,894 [whispering]: It's been two hours. 401 00:14:11,980 --> 00:14:13,287 This is officially crazy. 402 00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:14,809 Also, I have to go to the bathroom. 403 00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,245 Just pee yourself. 404 00:14:16,332 --> 00:14:17,595 So you'd rather sit in my urine 405 00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:19,509 for the rest of the car ride 406 00:14:19,596 --> 00:14:21,381 than admit to Winston that we're sleeping together? 407 00:14:21,469 --> 00:14:24,080 Yep, absolutely. Don't even have to think about it. 408 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:26,822 I don't want to ruin what we have, okay? 409 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,823 Because if people find out, 410 00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:30,695 they're gonna have a lot of questions, 411 00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:32,740 like, "Cece, why are you sleeping with him?" 412 00:14:32,827 --> 00:14:35,525 And, "Seriously, why?" 413 00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:37,398 You think we have something to ruin? 414 00:14:37,485 --> 00:14:39,966 Earlier, I was dressed as a sex-cretary. 415 00:14:40,052 --> 00:14:43,011 And I was wearing shoulder pads. 416 00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:45,274 So I obviously 417 00:14:45,361 --> 00:14:47,364 must like sleeping with you. 418 00:14:48,538 --> 00:14:50,540 A secre-tarty. 419 00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:53,153 Shut... up. 420 00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:57,897 This is pretty great. 421 00:14:57,984 --> 00:14:59,462 I'm freezing. 422 00:14:59,549 --> 00:15:01,335 Yeah. I'm so cold. 423 00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:03,250 How are you not freezing? 424 00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:05,947 Does brown skin retain heat? 425 00:15:06,034 --> 00:15:08,515 ♪ Instead of dreary who-you-were, well, are ♪ 426 00:15:08,602 --> 00:15:12,041 ♪ There's nothing that can stop you from becoming popular ♪ 427 00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:13,650 ♪ Lar ♪ 428 00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:15,697 ♪ La, la ♪ 429 00:15:15,783 --> 00:15:18,351 ♪ La, ah-ah, ah... ♪ 430 00:15:19,308 --> 00:15:21,702 [cheering] 431 00:15:21,789 --> 00:15:24,139 Take out your tampon and drink, Trevor! 432 00:15:24,226 --> 00:15:27,230 The Flip Queen has spoken! 433 00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:29,144 ALL [chanting]: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! 434 00:15:29,231 --> 00:15:30,538 Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! 435 00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:32,975 [phone ringing] 436 00:15:33,062 --> 00:15:34,672 Shelby. 437 00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:36,065 Babe, I don't want space. 438 00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:37,544 SHELBY: Neither do I! 439 00:15:37,631 --> 00:15:39,894 That's why I'm at your apartment. 440 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,548 I got on a plane. I wanted to see you. 441 00:15:41,635 --> 00:15:43,419 What?! 442 00:15:43,506 --> 00:15:45,900 Babe, look, I'm in Mexico. I came to see you. 443 00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,033 Are you serious? 444 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,120 I miss you, Shelby. 445 00:15:48,207 --> 00:15:49,513 You're so sexy, girl. 446 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,645 In or out of the wig. 447 00:15:51,732 --> 00:15:53,778 I don't care. Shelby. 448 00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:55,779 You make me so feel brave, babe, 449 00:15:55,866 --> 00:15:57,739 and I've never felt like this about anybody else before. 450 00:15:57,826 --> 00:15:59,783 I love you. 451 00:15:59,870 --> 00:16:03,265 And I carry your soul-song with me wherever I go. 452 00:16:03,352 --> 00:16:04,701 I love you, too. 453 00:16:04,788 --> 00:16:06,616 I'm coming back, baby. No space! 454 00:16:06,703 --> 00:16:10,230 [tires squealing] 455 00:16:10,317 --> 00:16:12,318 Are you traveling with any non-US citizens?[laughs] 456 00:16:13,884 --> 00:16:16,801 You actually catch people with that line? 457 00:16:16,888 --> 00:16:18,977 No, sir, just me and my American heart... 458 00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:21,067 full of love. 459 00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:24,374 Then how do you explain... 460 00:16:24,461 --> 00:16:27,986 this? 461 00:16:29,726 --> 00:16:31,773 I can't... sir. 462 00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:33,904 [laughs] 463 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,431 No one in the entire world can explain that. 464 00:16:41,477 --> 00:16:43,827 I am so tall! 465 00:16:43,914 --> 00:16:47,309 I feel like a Chinese basketball player. 466 00:16:47,397 --> 00:16:49,659 Russell? 467 00:16:49,746 --> 00:16:52,184 [shrieks and grunts, crowd gasps] 468 00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:52,836 Oh. 469 00:16:52,923 --> 00:16:54,621 [whooping] 470 00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:01,498 Hey, Jess. 471 00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:03,239 I'm not Jess. 472 00:17:03,326 --> 00:17:06,634 I'm her cousin... Sylvia? 473 00:17:08,330 --> 00:17:09,636 Are you doing okay? 474 00:17:09,723 --> 00:17:11,813 I want a donut. 475 00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:15,469 Then let's get you a donut. 476 00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:17,297 Please? 477 00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:20,299 I want to talk to you... alone. 478 00:17:22,737 --> 00:17:24,346 Well, this is a fun group. 479 00:17:24,433 --> 00:17:26,435 Hmm. Can you drop me off at my dorm? 480 00:17:26,522 --> 00:17:27,872 It's called Hamilton. 481 00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:30,483 I'd like to vomit now. [grunts] 482 00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:36,445 [grunts] 483 00:17:36,532 --> 00:17:39,405 God! 484 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,798 I've never jumped out of a moving car before! 485 00:17:41,885 --> 00:17:44,063 That was bad-ass! 486 00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:45,715 Hey, uh, kiddo. Okay. 487 00:17:45,802 --> 00:17:46,804 Nick, that's the road. What's up? 488 00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:48,327 You want the woods. 489 00:17:48,414 --> 00:17:49,763 I want the woods. You're smart, Russ. 490 00:17:49,851 --> 00:17:51,243 Come here.Hey, it was nothing. 491 00:17:51,330 --> 00:17:53,462 You're okay, Russ. 492 00:17:53,549 --> 00:17:56,770 Okay, we can hug some more later. 493 00:17:56,857 --> 00:17:58,381 This isn't her, you know. 494 00:17:58,468 --> 00:18:00,078 She's not like us. 495 00:18:00,165 --> 00:18:02,298 She's one of the good ones. 496 00:18:03,907 --> 00:18:06,606 Time to make the puke, Russell. 497 00:18:06,693 --> 00:18:08,521 SCHMIDT: So listen, man, it's-it's really 498 00:18:08,608 --> 00:18:10,088 important to us 499 00:18:10,175 --> 00:18:11,741 that our completely equal sexual relationship 500 00:18:11,828 --> 00:18:13,917 where neither one of us has the upper hand, 501 00:18:14,005 --> 00:18:17,138 uh, remain a secret, and while I respect 502 00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:19,532 the fact that you listen to Wickedwhile you're alone, 503 00:18:19,619 --> 00:18:22,317 I could use that information against you 504 00:18:22,404 --> 00:18:24,451 at any point in time. 505 00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:25,843 By the way, there's a stop sign, like, right up... 506 00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,366 Is that a stop sign? 507 00:18:27,453 --> 00:18:28,932 Well, you'd probably want to slow down... 508 00:18:29,019 --> 00:18:30,586 CECE: Oh, my God.Maybe it's a go sign. 509 00:18:30,673 --> 00:18:32,198 I don't think it's a go sign. 510 00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:34,287 Because if somebody like you 511 00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:37,289 is sleeping with someone like her, 512 00:18:37,376 --> 00:18:39,378 then maybe the whole damn world is upside down! 513 00:18:39,465 --> 00:18:41,163 It's just what I'm thinking. 514 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,383 [laughs] 515 00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:44,905 And I want to talk to you. 516 00:18:44,992 --> 00:18:46,603 I want to have a chance to explain. 517 00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:48,213 That's okay. I understand. 518 00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:50,825 I just... I thought 519 00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:53,958 you wanted a sophisticated lady, but now I realize that 520 00:18:54,045 --> 00:18:57,135 you like dating younger girls 'cause we think you're cool. 521 00:18:57,222 --> 00:18:58,484 And you know what? 522 00:18:58,572 --> 00:19:00,661 It's working because... 523 00:19:00,748 --> 00:19:03,184 I think you're a hotty with a body. 524 00:19:03,271 --> 00:19:05,796 Oh. Um... 525 00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:08,190 I got to tell you, I didn't ask you out 526 00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:09,583 because you're younger than me. 527 00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:11,585 I asked you out because I like you. 528 00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:16,067 But I-I've forgotten really how... how to do this, you know. 529 00:19:16,154 --> 00:19:19,069 I haven't dated since 1989... 530 00:19:19,157 --> 00:19:22,856 when I took her to the picture show in my buggy. 531 00:19:22,943 --> 00:19:26,556 1989 was, my friend, 532 00:19:26,643 --> 00:19:29,645 the year that I learned to use the toaster by myself. 533 00:19:29,732 --> 00:19:32,083 Oh. 534 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,346 The text I got at dinner was from my ex-wife. 535 00:19:34,433 --> 00:19:35,739 Sarah's with her this weekend, 536 00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:37,219 I didn't pack her inhaler. 537 00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:38,525 She was having an asthma attack. 538 00:19:38,612 --> 00:19:40,221 Is Sarah okay? Yeah. 539 00:19:40,308 --> 00:19:42,789 Yeah. Thanks. I-I... 540 00:19:42,876 --> 00:19:45,357 I just feel like I should have explained. 541 00:19:45,444 --> 00:19:46,968 And I really wanted to kiss you 542 00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:48,796 the other night. Really? 543 00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:50,971 I wanted to do more than kiss you. 544 00:19:51,058 --> 00:19:52,669 I'd like to do you, at some point. 545 00:19:52,756 --> 00:19:54,410 [laughs]Like, you know, really, 546 00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:55,977 really give it to you good. 547 00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,805 [laughs] 548 00:19:57,892 --> 00:20:00,111 Uh, but I've forgotten how to tell 549 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,548 whether it's the right moment. 550 00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:04,289 I was nervous. 551 00:20:04,376 --> 00:20:06,335 You were nervous? 552 00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:08,816 Nick was right. 553 00:20:08,903 --> 00:20:11,557 He can be really wise sometimes. 554 00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,298 Oh, my God, it's happening! 555 00:20:13,385 --> 00:20:15,910 It's coming! I think I'm dying! 556 00:20:15,997 --> 00:20:18,041 I feel scared and excited! 557 00:20:18,128 --> 00:20:19,434 [vomiting] 558 00:20:19,521 --> 00:20:21,045 [laughs] [continues vomiting] 559 00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:22,873 What do you think? 560 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,744 What do I think of what? 561 00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:26,528 Do you think now is the right moment? 562 00:20:26,615 --> 00:20:28,182 I think so. 563 00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:30,010 Okay. 564 00:20:30,097 --> 00:20:32,839 NICK: Get out of me, you poison! 565 00:20:32,926 --> 00:20:35,582 [liquid splashes] 566 00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:38,148 Wait. Is that your hand? 567 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:39,933 No. 568 00:20:40,020 --> 00:20:41,457 That's myhand. 569 00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:43,633 Oh, my God!You're welcome. 570 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,721 Get out of here, Dirk! 571 00:20:45,808 --> 00:20:47,070 [muttering]: You get out of here... 572 00:20:47,157 --> 00:20:49,248 Come here. 573 00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,858 [exhales loudly] 574 00:20:51,945 --> 00:20:55,123 [groans] 575 00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:57,691 Hey! 576 00:20:57,778 --> 00:21:00,259 Oh, no! 577 00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:03,479 Where are you guys? 578 00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:06,874 [phone ringing][sighs] 579 00:21:06,961 --> 00:21:08,309 Hello? 580 00:21:08,396 --> 00:21:09,833 NICK: Hey, where are you guys? 581 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,096 Hey, could I have walked out into the mountains? 582 00:21:12,182 --> 00:21:14,272 When does a hill become a mountain? 583 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:17,450 It just happened. 584 00:21:17,537 --> 00:21:18,929 I'm so cold. 585 00:21:19,016 --> 00:21:20,234 DIRK: Who is this? 586 00:21:22,977 --> 00:21:24,239 [sighs] 587 00:21:25,719 --> 00:21:28,852 Oh, my God, Dirk is dead! 588 00:21:28,939 --> 00:21:33,856 [sobbing]: Dirk is dead! 589 00:21:33,943 --> 00:21:35,990 Smartest guy I knew.