1 00:00:01,871 --> 00:00:04,221 SCHMIDT: Here? You're dropping me off here? 2 00:00:04,307 --> 00:00:06,788 R-Right in front of this obvious pickpocket? 3 00:00:06,876 --> 00:00:08,573 Look at the size of that guy. 4 00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:10,314 He's clearly new homeless. 5 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,446 We're a mile away from the loft, Cece. 6 00:00:12,534 --> 00:00:13,882 I'm not getting caught with you. 7 00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:15,753 I'm gonna have to run all the way home. 8 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:17,321 And I have my slippiest loafers on. 9 00:00:17,408 --> 00:00:18,931 If I were you, I would get walking right now. 10 00:00:19,018 --> 00:00:20,280 You're never gonna get home before dawn. 11 00:00:20,367 --> 00:00:21,890 Okay, look, I'm fine with you 12 00:00:21,978 --> 00:00:23,283 not telling anybody about us, 13 00:00:23,370 --> 00:00:26,896 but you cannot just call me at anytime 14 00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:28,679 and just summon me for intercourse. 15 00:00:28,766 --> 00:00:29,986 I have no control here, 16 00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:33,119 and I'm stressed out all day long. 17 00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:35,078 It's like you're ripping the side block 18 00:00:35,164 --> 00:00:37,036 out of my mental Jenga. 19 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,603 I'm totally falling apart. 20 00:00:38,689 --> 00:00:40,301 Okay, Schmidt, you... 21 00:00:40,387 --> 00:00:43,216 you really need to learn to take a breath 22 00:00:43,304 --> 00:00:45,088 and calm down, all right? 23 00:00:45,174 --> 00:00:47,612 We're just being a little spontaneous. 24 00:00:47,698 --> 00:00:50,223 Words that have never been used to describe Schmidt: 25 00:00:50,310 --> 00:00:53,095 "spontaneous, flexible, easy-going." 26 00:00:53,182 --> 00:00:55,228 I'm like a Marine.You're nothing like a Marine. 27 00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:57,057 I'm totally like a Marine, all right? You know what? 28 00:00:57,143 --> 00:00:58,927 Fine. I'm... I'm out of here. 29 00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:01,060 Take these, 30 00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:03,540 and take care of them-- I can get a tetanus shot, 31 00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:05,543 but I can't cure damaged suede. 32 00:01:08,850 --> 00:01:10,156 JESS: Can you believe 33 00:01:10,243 --> 00:01:11,506 I found this on the street? 34 00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:12,984 Who would want to throw this away? 35 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,769 A blind man who suddenly recovered his sight? 36 00:01:14,856 --> 00:01:17,293 Get rid of it, Jess-- pine has no place in this loft. 37 00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:19,295 It's the wood of poor people and outhouses. 38 00:01:19,382 --> 00:01:21,168 I pay rent, so I think 39 00:01:21,254 --> 00:01:24,213 that gives me the right to add a few things.Jess... 40 00:01:24,301 --> 00:01:26,477 [chuckles] you're wrong. 41 00:01:26,563 --> 00:01:28,131 Okay? 42 00:01:28,218 --> 00:01:29,263 My answer's no. 43 00:01:29,349 --> 00:01:30,915 Well, my answer is yes. 44 00:01:31,003 --> 00:01:33,396 I'm keeping the hutch.I had a bad night. 45 00:01:33,484 --> 00:01:36,139 I'm really, I'm just asking you, please d-don't push me. 46 00:01:36,225 --> 00:01:38,533 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts. 47 00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,012 You would not dare.Try me. 48 00:01:40,099 --> 00:01:42,319 That was the worst four weeks of my life. 49 00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:45,192 ♪ Hey, girl ♪ 50 00:01:45,278 --> 00:01:48,498 ♪ What you doing? ♪ 51 00:01:48,585 --> 00:01:50,545 ♪ Hey, girl ♪ 52 00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:53,548 ♪ Where you going? ♪ 53 00:01:53,634 --> 00:01:55,941 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ Who's that girl?♪ 54 00:01:56,027 --> 00:01:57,594 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 55 00:01:57,682 --> 00:02:01,120 ♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. ♪ 56 00:02:04,688 --> 00:02:06,603 Hey, Winston, 57 00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:07,996 why are you still drinking? 58 00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:10,259 It is 10:00 in the morning, man. 59 00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:12,306 Yeah, I know what it'll feel like when I stop, 60 00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:16,135 so I'm just gonna stay a little drunk, forever. 61 00:02:16,223 --> 00:02:18,747 Well, why is there no girl version of you,my man? [groans] 62 00:02:19,704 --> 00:02:20,748 Moving on. 63 00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:22,533 So, last night's poker game. 64 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:24,491 Got pretty intense. 65 00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:25,927 I don't even know what you're 66 00:02:26,014 --> 00:02:27,146 talking about-- I was so hammered last night. 67 00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:27,973 I've never been more sober 68 00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:29,453 in my whole life. 69 00:02:29,539 --> 00:02:30,975 I'll remember this as long as I live. 70 00:02:31,062 --> 00:02:33,152 I'm all in. Uno, bitches. 71 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,719 Read 'em and weep. 72 00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,722 Straight flush.Aw! 73 00:02:37,808 --> 00:02:39,027 So, what do I owe you, 20 bucks? 74 00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:40,247 20 bucks? Yeah. 75 00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:42,901 You owe me $487. 76 00:02:42,987 --> 00:02:44,641 Come on, Winston! 77 00:02:44,728 --> 00:02:47,296 Aah! Schmidt makes me so mad! 78 00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:48,864 I want to put one thing, 79 00:02:48,950 --> 00:02:50,257 one thing in the living room, 80 00:02:50,343 --> 00:02:51,605 and he won't let me. 81 00:02:51,692 --> 00:02:53,173 I'm not putting up with this. 82 00:02:53,259 --> 00:02:54,174 Oh, yes, you are. 83 00:02:54,260 --> 00:02:55,783 We live in a fragile ecosystem. 84 00:02:55,871 --> 00:02:57,264 It's a delicate balance. 85 00:02:57,350 --> 00:02:58,742 It's a broken ecosystem, 86 00:02:58,829 --> 00:03:01,223 dominated by an apex predator.Chill out, Jess. 87 00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:03,139 We let him run the house, no big deal. 88 00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:05,750 The boy cooks and cleans-- and happily, I might add. 89 00:03:05,836 --> 00:03:07,229 Yeah, he probably couldn't sleep last night 90 00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:09,231 'cause he was so excited to clean up after us. 91 00:03:09,318 --> 00:03:11,191 I know he's been bad lately, but... 92 00:03:11,277 --> 00:03:12,627 Schmidt's an odd bird. 93 00:03:12,713 --> 00:03:14,062 He can't handle it when things 94 00:03:14,150 --> 00:03:15,673 aren't clean and orderly. 95 00:03:15,759 --> 00:03:17,806 It's been that way since the day he moved in. 96 00:03:17,893 --> 00:03:20,764 Welcome to your new home, Schmidt. 97 00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:22,462 Come on, play ball. 98 00:03:24,943 --> 00:03:26,554 [whooping, laughing] 99 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:27,467 Coming home! 100 00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,993 [gagging] 101 00:03:33,822 --> 00:03:36,085 Well, I'm fed up with it. 102 00:03:36,171 --> 00:03:38,435 And he's got to learn how to relax. 103 00:03:38,521 --> 00:03:40,088 And, Nick, why do you have... 104 00:03:40,175 --> 00:03:41,699 cannons drawn all over your back? 105 00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:42,743 Those aren't cannons, Jess. 106 00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:43,831 Long-stem mushrooms? 107 00:03:43,918 --> 00:03:45,442 Nope.Oh, so that's... 108 00:03:45,528 --> 00:03:46,965 not a mossy cave. 109 00:03:47,051 --> 00:03:47,923 Mm-mm. 110 00:03:48,009 --> 00:03:49,402 Mmm, no.Probably not. 111 00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:50,707 [door opens] 112 00:03:57,889 --> 00:03:59,543 What the...? 113 00:03:59,629 --> 00:04:01,632 What is happening...? 114 00:04:01,718 --> 00:04:03,286 I can't take this right now. 115 00:04:03,372 --> 00:04:04,895 What, do we live in a pawnshop? 116 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,377 Hey, Schmidt. 117 00:04:07,463 --> 00:04:08,986 [chuckles]: Hey, Jess. What, uh... 118 00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:10,379 Where did all this come from? 119 00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,163 I found the afghan underneath a Dumpster 120 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,210 outside an animal shelter. 121 00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:16,733 And I found the lamp underneath the afghan. 122 00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:18,562 I'm gonna assume that these are your spices 123 00:04:18,649 --> 00:04:20,434 jammed in here with my spices.Yep. 124 00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:22,523 I would really appreciate it if your non-Tahitian vanilla 125 00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:24,394 was not touching my Tahitian vanilla. 126 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,701 Oh, Schmidt, they're more than touching. 127 00:04:26,788 --> 00:04:28,658 [breathy voice]: What's it like living in the most populous isle 128 00:04:28,745 --> 00:04:30,399 in French Polynesia? 129 00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:33,098 [French accent]: I could tell you, or... I could show you. 130 00:04:33,185 --> 00:04:34,970 [breathy voice]: Not in front of the cloves. 131 00:04:35,057 --> 00:04:36,231 Where's my burr coffee grinder? 132 00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:38,016 Oh, you know, I think it's in the hutch. 133 00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:39,757 You put it in the hutch? 134 00:04:39,843 --> 00:04:42,411 The... aah, this thing was on the street. 135 00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:44,108 It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt. 136 00:04:44,196 --> 00:04:45,850 I think it'll be okay. 137 00:04:45,937 --> 00:04:48,112 A top-of-the-line conical burr coffee grinder. 138 00:04:48,199 --> 00:04:50,245 You know what that means? It means it doesn't 139 00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:52,769 smash up the beans like some pedestrian blade grinder. 140 00:04:52,856 --> 00:04:55,033 It actually grinds them, 141 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,819 for a deeper, richer, more satisfying flavor profile! 142 00:04:57,906 --> 00:04:59,908 Oh. Well, I've used it repeatedly 143 00:04:59,995 --> 00:05:02,084 to make homemade crayons. 144 00:05:02,170 --> 00:05:04,564 Does that show up in your flavor profile, Schmidt? 145 00:05:04,651 --> 00:05:06,958 Uh, yeah, that's fine. 146 00:05:07,045 --> 00:05:08,916 If you're looking for your oven mitts, 147 00:05:09,004 --> 00:05:10,745 they're in the top drawer of the hutch. 148 00:05:10,831 --> 00:05:12,528 [chuckles]: Oh. Okay, fair enough. 149 00:05:12,615 --> 00:05:14,269 Hutch is gone. 150 00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:15,184 No. No! No, no, no. 151 00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:16,968 No hutch. No, no! 152 00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:19,100 Stop! Don't move the hutch.Bye-bye, hutch! 153 00:05:19,187 --> 00:05:20,276 This thing makes me emotionally nauseous! 154 00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,233 This is my hutch. Don't move it! 155 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,192 All right, you're right, you're right... 156 00:05:23,278 --> 00:05:24,802 I'm so sorry. You're right. 157 00:05:24,889 --> 00:05:25,976 It's a beautiful piece. 158 00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:28,545 It looks great there. 159 00:05:28,632 --> 00:05:30,329 My apologies. 160 00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:31,896 Thank you. 161 00:05:39,033 --> 00:05:40,600 Oops. 162 00:05:49,043 --> 00:05:51,307 Schmidt, you have a real problem. 163 00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:54,528 You've got to learn to calm down. 164 00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:56,442 Yeah, yeah. 165 00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:03,187 I love the beach. 166 00:06:03,274 --> 00:06:05,495 Now, isn't this better than arguing about a hutch? 167 00:06:05,581 --> 00:06:08,846 Yeah, if you like hanging out on the rim of a giant fish toilet. 168 00:06:08,932 --> 00:06:11,196 Jess, I can't believe you brought me down here. 169 00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:14,069 This is a great place to talk about your problems. 170 00:06:14,156 --> 00:06:16,113 Jess, this sucks-- I just want to go home. 171 00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:18,202 Schmidt, come here. 172 00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:21,511 Look. You got the birds in the sky. 173 00:06:23,947 --> 00:06:25,297 Sea and sand. 174 00:06:25,384 --> 00:06:27,343 The wind in our hair. 175 00:06:28,865 --> 00:06:30,867 [grunts] You've lost your kite! 176 00:06:30,954 --> 00:06:33,393 Have fun flying your string all day! 177 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,045 Sorry I forgot my wallet. 178 00:06:35,132 --> 00:06:37,134 Thank you for paying; it's delicious. 179 00:06:37,221 --> 00:06:39,268 Yeah, which is weird, because I clearly remember saying, 180 00:06:39,355 --> 00:06:41,052 "Hey, man, don't forget your wallet." 181 00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:42,836 And then I still forgot it.You still forget it. Wow, it's weird. 182 00:06:42,923 --> 00:06:44,447 Yeah, you said that. We're getting older.Yeah, I said that. 183 00:06:44,533 --> 00:06:46,014 Okay, this is a good segue. 184 00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:48,319 [sighs]: Um... can I talk to you about 185 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,322 something that's kind of tough? 186 00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:53,673 [sighs] Yeah, man, shoot. 187 00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:56,807 "The subject of this talk is the debt of money between us. 188 00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:58,548 I feel that..."Oh, man! 189 00:06:58,634 --> 00:07:00,723 I thought this was about something serious. 190 00:07:00,810 --> 00:07:02,247 You set that up like it was about something different. 191 00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:03,858 This is about the poker? 192 00:07:03,944 --> 00:07:06,382 Oh, I'll pay you your money. Relax. 193 00:07:09,428 --> 00:07:12,127 "If I am reading this section, then I can only assume 194 00:07:12,213 --> 00:07:13,911 "you have told me to relax. 195 00:07:13,997 --> 00:07:15,783 You wrote that?"Let me assure you I am very relaxed, 196 00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:18,307 "although I have good reason not to be, 197 00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,309 "as you owe me a very large sum. 198 00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:22,528 I will pay you the money, you clown. 199 00:07:22,615 --> 00:07:24,095 "I am aware that we're both broke, 200 00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:27,358 "one of us embarrassingly so. Points to Nick. 201 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,230 "I have recently tumbled down the socioeconomic ladder 202 00:07:29,317 --> 00:07:30,754 "and have hit rock bottom, 203 00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:32,843 "where you, Nick Miller,Thank you. 204 00:07:32,930 --> 00:07:34,802 "have been waiting patiently for the past 15 years. 205 00:07:34,889 --> 00:07:36,456 "But I want that money. 206 00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:38,413 "Give me my money. I really mean it. 207 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,894 "It's my money. You owe me that money, 208 00:07:40,981 --> 00:07:43,288 "so give me my money. Seriously. 209 00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:45,028 Are you finished?"Where is the money, dude? 210 00:07:45,115 --> 00:07:47,161 You wrote "dude"?"But I am not without pity. 211 00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:49,730 I am willing to just call it an even $200." 212 00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:53,428 Everything let go with just $200? 213 00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:56,345 Right.All right, I can do $200. 214 00:07:56,432 --> 00:07:58,913 $200? Two hundo clean?Yep. 215 00:07:59,000 --> 00:07:59,956 All right. 216 00:08:06,310 --> 00:08:08,399 I did pay for gas here, though. 217 00:08:08,487 --> 00:08:10,011 So that's, let's say, ten bucks. 218 00:08:10,098 --> 00:08:11,577 So we're at $190. 219 00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:13,884 We'll say clean $190. 220 00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:16,146 I hate to be this guy... 221 00:08:16,233 --> 00:08:18,235 but I got the fights on Friday, 222 00:08:18,322 --> 00:08:20,151 so that's $30. So let's call it $160 223 00:08:20,237 --> 00:08:22,197 and be done with it. 224 00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:27,331 $20 for beer that night, so $160 takes us to $140. 225 00:08:27,418 --> 00:08:29,204 Just to be fair. And I didn't write 226 00:08:29,290 --> 00:08:30,596 a stupid letter about it. 227 00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:32,076 But let's say right now $140. 228 00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:34,077 You ate a lot of the nachos! 229 00:08:35,731 --> 00:08:39,126 Littering! $15 for littering! 230 00:08:39,213 --> 00:08:41,259 ♪ What a way to live... ♪ 231 00:08:41,346 --> 00:08:43,870 How fun is this! 232 00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,613 It's not my cup of tea. 233 00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,571 ♪ Don't you know that life ♪ 234 00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:51,748 ♪ Don't wait for death? ♪ 235 00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,926 ♪ Choo-choo ♪ 236 00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:57,361 [whistle blows][screams] 237 00:08:57,448 --> 00:08:58,538 No! 238 00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:00,451 No! No, Jess, no! 239 00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:02,976 I can't believe I never noticed this before, but, Schmidt, 240 00:09:03,063 --> 00:09:05,153 you are legitimately crazy. 241 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,458 I think we're all a little bit crazy, don't you think, Jess? 242 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,592 No, I mean, you're like aging- ballerina, child-chess-prodigy, 243 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:12,986 professional-magician crazy. 244 00:09:13,073 --> 00:09:15,554 It's my mom's fault-- you know, I come from a Jewish family, 245 00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:18,470 but she used to tell me the reason Santa didn't come to our house 246 00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:20,211 was because my room was dirty. 247 00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:22,169 The only thing I ever controlled was what I ate. 248 00:09:22,256 --> 00:09:24,780 That's why I got fat.Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat 249 00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:28,088 Concord grape jelly from the jar using a candy bar as a fork. 250 00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:29,698 It's because you didn't have any structure. 251 00:09:29,786 --> 00:09:31,614 You know what I mean? That's what happens 252 00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:33,398 when you don't have any rules. 253 00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:36,009 None of these people have rules. Especially that guy. 254 00:09:36,096 --> 00:09:37,750 He's wearing ladies' bikini bottoms. 255 00:09:37,837 --> 00:09:40,230 SCHMIDT: Jess, I'm not like these people, okay? 256 00:09:40,317 --> 00:09:43,712 I don't have dreadlocks. I don't own a snake. 257 00:09:43,799 --> 00:09:46,019 And I don't understand how these people think that they're relaxed, 258 00:09:46,106 --> 00:09:48,065 because they're not-- they just have nothing to do. 259 00:09:48,152 --> 00:09:50,894 That's not me. It's not that easy for me. 260 00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:52,895 Sounds to me like a lot of excuses, Schmidt. 261 00:09:52,982 --> 00:09:54,855 Just be spontaneous. 262 00:09:58,249 --> 00:10:00,687 [rhythmic percussion playing] 263 00:10:26,755 --> 00:10:28,802 Hey, Nick. 264 00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:31,282 Look, man, I'm sorry to bother you while you're clearly 265 00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,544 sitting here working hard making lots of money. 266 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,070 All right.But if you'd kindly just pause that for one second, 267 00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:37,811 I have a few accounts that I'd like to settle. 268 00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:40,073 Account number one: 269 00:10:40,161 --> 00:10:42,597 a $15 receipt for a Chinatown box turtle. 270 00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:44,904 Bam. Here we go.We're doing this, huh? 271 00:10:44,991 --> 00:10:47,384 Yeah, we are doing this. Item number two: Great. 272 00:10:47,471 --> 00:10:51,128 Cancelled $35 check for registration of a domain name-- 273 00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:53,303 "It's Nick Miller Time.com." 274 00:10:53,390 --> 00:10:55,306 "Hey, guys, Winston, I got a good idea, man. 275 00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:56,611 I'm gonna be a big-time blogger." 276 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,265 I have to go to work...Uh-huh. 277 00:10:58,352 --> 00:11:00,615 ...at a bar, where youdrink for free. 278 00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:02,530 Wow. 279 00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,837 How much does 400 cognac and colas add up to, Winston? 280 00:11:04,924 --> 00:11:06,100 You want to go there? Okay.Sure. 281 00:11:06,187 --> 00:11:07,535 How about all the times I sat around 282 00:11:07,623 --> 00:11:09,190 listening to you bitch and moan 283 00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:11,192 about how Caroline broke your precious little heart? 284 00:11:11,278 --> 00:11:13,236 Okay, in eighth grade...Eighth grade. 285 00:11:13,323 --> 00:11:15,979 ...you "accidentally" saw my mom naked. Mm-hmm. 286 00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:18,328 Before she stopped exercising and let herself get chubby. 287 00:11:18,416 --> 00:11:19,548 [laughs] Okay? 288 00:11:19,634 --> 00:11:21,636 So how much is that, in terms of money? 289 00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:23,595 'Cause I haven't gotten over that. 290 00:11:23,682 --> 00:11:26,163 And I would say four to $5,000. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. 291 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:28,861 Schmidt, Winston saw my mother naked in eighth grade; in terms of... 292 00:11:28,948 --> 00:11:31,211 I waded into the ocean without my aqua socks. 293 00:11:31,298 --> 00:11:32,386 JESS: Mm, he did it. 294 00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:33,562 I did it. He let go. 295 00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:35,606 [drumming, chanting] 296 00:11:38,784 --> 00:11:40,481 He washed his hands in a public restroom. 297 00:11:40,568 --> 00:11:42,222 And there was a man in there. 298 00:11:42,309 --> 00:11:44,790 And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door. 299 00:11:44,878 --> 00:11:45,529 And I didn't break eye contact. 300 00:11:45,616 --> 00:11:47,315 Not once. 301 00:11:47,402 --> 00:11:49,273 That's not letting go, that's cruising. 302 00:11:50,621 --> 00:11:52,841 Hey, Schmidt. 303 00:11:52,928 --> 00:11:54,713 There's a spill.I know. 304 00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:56,759 Do your exercise. You know. 305 00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:58,673 Yeah, okay, the exercise. 306 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,676 [clears throat] 307 00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:05,288 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. 308 00:12:07,029 --> 00:12:08,379 I feel great. 309 00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:10,467 I'm gonna go take a shower with Nick's bar soap, 310 00:12:10,554 --> 00:12:12,644 like a common ranch hand. 311 00:12:12,731 --> 00:12:15,865 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!What is going on? 312 00:12:15,951 --> 00:12:17,998 You messed with the ecosystem. 313 00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:19,520 And you guys said it couldn't be done. 314 00:12:19,607 --> 00:12:21,479 You have no idea what you're getting into. 315 00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:23,698 You're welcome. 316 00:12:28,572 --> 00:12:30,662 NICK: Schmidt, you're killing me with that drumming! 317 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,229 [rhythmic drumming, Jess moans]NICK: You're killing me! 318 00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:34,754 Look at this mess. How did this happen? 319 00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:36,058 So, this is your fault. 320 00:12:36,145 --> 00:12:38,018 No. No. 321 00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:39,496 This is good for Schmidt. 322 00:12:39,584 --> 00:12:41,107 'Cause you guys have been taking advantage of him 323 00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:42,630 for years. 324 00:12:42,717 --> 00:12:44,414 You make him cook, you make him clean... 325 00:12:44,501 --> 00:12:46,025 Where's my money, dude? 326 00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:48,505 Frankly, it's... sexist. 327 00:12:48,592 --> 00:12:50,378 Oh, my God. Ew! 328 00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:51,596 How's it sexist? 329 00:12:51,682 --> 00:12:53,467 Who's cleaning up? 330 00:12:53,554 --> 00:12:55,644 I cleaned this morning.All right, fine. 331 00:12:55,730 --> 00:12:57,777 I'll clean, you guys go to the store.Act like an adult. 332 00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,517 BOTH: I'm not going to the store with him. 333 00:12:59,604 --> 00:13:02,042 Stop throwing things at each other.Where's my money, dude...? 334 00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:04,304 JESS: Oh, come on.WINSTON: Where is the money? 335 00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:05,567 You're a child. 336 00:13:05,653 --> 00:13:07,003 ...my car, too, while you... 337 00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:08,177 SCHMIDT: Silence, friends! 338 00:13:08,264 --> 00:13:09,831 I made you necklaces. 339 00:13:09,918 --> 00:13:11,659 Hey, do you want to go to the store? 340 00:13:11,746 --> 00:13:14,053 Please, God, yes. 341 00:13:14,140 --> 00:13:16,883 $100? How did Schmidt buy all these groceries with 100 bucks? 342 00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:18,710 It's only $100? $100. 343 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,668 You should've told... we have way too much stuff, man. 344 00:13:20,755 --> 00:13:22,452 Yeah, like shrimp cocktail.We don't need a baked ham. 345 00:13:22,539 --> 00:13:23,889 All right. Winston? 346 00:13:23,976 --> 00:13:25,760 Sorry about that. Really? 347 00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,588 Two cake mixes? 348 00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:29,155 Really? All these soups?Pizza? Frozen pizza? 349 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:31,331 You fat ass. What are you trying to do, die?Shut up, dude. 350 00:13:31,418 --> 00:13:33,115 We have enough ketchup. We have enough ketchup!Come on, really? 351 00:13:33,202 --> 00:13:34,682 Next, please. 352 00:13:34,769 --> 00:13:35,857 Oh, hey, how you doing, sir? 353 00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,642 We only have $100, Gary, 354 00:13:37,729 --> 00:13:39,774 so could you stop checking us out when we hit $100? 355 00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:41,341 Yeah, you got to include tax, too, 356 00:13:41,428 --> 00:13:42,865 so, like, $93, just... Cool?Yeah, just that'll do. 357 00:13:42,951 --> 00:13:44,475 Okay, guys. 358 00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:46,433 Thanks.I'm gonna put my stuff at the front, 359 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,957 'cause you obviously don't know how to shop.You're being ridiculous. 360 00:13:49,044 --> 00:13:50,741 Are you getting me?We have enough ketchup. 361 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,744 [chuckling]Epsom salt? 362 00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:54,658 Yeah, okay.What, are you too good for regular salt? 363 00:13:54,745 --> 00:13:56,269 You know damn well I got to soak my trick foot. 364 00:13:56,356 --> 00:13:58,446 Oh, Winnie, your little trick foot. 365 00:13:58,533 --> 00:14:00,317 Yeah, my trick foot, and don't ever call me Winnie. 366 00:14:00,403 --> 00:14:01,841 Aw, Winnie... Fine. 367 00:14:01,927 --> 00:14:03,320 You don't owe me anything. 368 00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:04,886 The slate is clean. We're good, we're even. 369 00:14:04,974 --> 00:14:06,279 Oh, good, that's how I feel, too. 370 00:14:06,366 --> 00:14:08,977 Because in my mind, your mom will always be the winner 371 00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:11,153 of Best Boobs.Really, Best Boobs? 372 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,894 Yeah. Master's Division.You're gonna talk about my mother? 373 00:14:12,981 --> 00:14:14,288 You're gonna talk about my mom's boobs? 374 00:14:14,375 --> 00:14:15,331 Is that... you gonna go there? 375 00:14:15,418 --> 00:14:16,681 Don't push me in a supermarket, man. 376 00:14:16,768 --> 00:14:19,509 You started this. 377 00:14:19,596 --> 00:14:22,208 Did you just slap me in the face? No, I did not. 378 00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:23,863 I don't know what you're talking about. 379 00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:29,825 I'm not afraid of you, man. 380 00:14:31,479 --> 00:14:33,133 Don't act your... 381 00:14:35,091 --> 00:14:37,832 [grunting] 382 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,442 NICK: Grow up, dude! 383 00:14:39,529 --> 00:14:41,663 [singing to himself] 384 00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,664 Hey, Schmidt. 385 00:14:43,751 --> 00:14:45,361 Oh, hello, Jess. 386 00:14:45,448 --> 00:14:46,841 Hey. What are you doing out here? 387 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:50,323 Oh, just checking up on you. 388 00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:52,282 Oh, I see you're eating street meat 389 00:14:52,369 --> 00:14:53,849 wrapped in street meat. 390 00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:56,373 This is my man, Gordon. 391 00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,331 You've outdone yourself once again, Gordon. 392 00:14:58,418 --> 00:14:59,942 Excellent. 393 00:15:00,028 --> 00:15:01,509 Did you go to work today?No, no. No work. 394 00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,119 I haven't been there in a while. 395 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:05,251 How long is a while?I don't know. Three days? 396 00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:08,908 Schmidt, I made a mistake in bringing you down here. 397 00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:11,432 I shouldn't have done that. 398 00:15:11,519 --> 00:15:12,823 Please come home. 399 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,260 Why? 400 00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:16,176 So I can cook and clean? 401 00:15:16,263 --> 00:15:18,568 So I can show you where the vacuum is? 402 00:15:18,655 --> 00:15:20,962 WOMAN: All right.[drumming starts] 403 00:15:21,049 --> 00:15:23,530 Okay, fine, I don't know where the vacuum is. 404 00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:25,227 That is one reason why I came here, 405 00:15:25,315 --> 00:15:27,447 but I really want you to come home. 406 00:15:27,534 --> 00:15:30,190 Everything's falling apart without you. 407 00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:33,279 Nick and Winston are fighting all the time. 408 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:36,065 And all of us lost our keys to the mailbox. 409 00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:39,415 Schmidt, just listen to me, because you 410 00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:41,244 don't belong here, like, really. 411 00:15:41,331 --> 00:15:42,767 Do you remember when you 412 00:15:42,854 --> 00:15:44,725 got yourself off to An Inconvenient Truth? 413 00:15:44,812 --> 00:15:46,683 How about when you dress up 414 00:15:46,770 --> 00:15:49,991 like Shia Labeouf from Wall Street Twofor Halloween? 415 00:15:50,078 --> 00:15:52,125 Do you remember when you said 416 00:15:52,211 --> 00:15:54,996 jazz music was America's greatest mistake? 417 00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:57,303 Say it in drums, Jessica Day. 418 00:15:57,390 --> 00:16:00,089 Me hablodrums. 419 00:16:01,873 --> 00:16:03,527 Hey, man. 420 00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:05,312 I got the last frozen thing. 421 00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:08,445 I was gonna ice my wrist, but... 422 00:16:08,532 --> 00:16:10,490 How about this? 423 00:16:10,577 --> 00:16:12,014 Take half, pal. 424 00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:13,581 So kind of you. 425 00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:15,061 [chuckling] 426 00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:17,236 That hurts, man. [sighs] 427 00:16:18,889 --> 00:16:20,587 I am so hungry. 428 00:16:20,674 --> 00:16:22,284 Remember those things that Schmidt used to make us 429 00:16:22,371 --> 00:16:25,071 with the peanut butter and the raisins on the celery? 430 00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:26,549 What were those called? 431 00:16:26,636 --> 00:16:27,463 Ants on a log. 432 00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:29,162 Ants on a log. 433 00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:31,337 I just got why they're called ants on a log. 434 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,514 Looks like ants on a log. 435 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,384 [door closes]I'm hungry, man. 436 00:16:35,471 --> 00:16:37,169 Hey, Schmidt, is that you, buddy? 437 00:16:37,256 --> 00:16:39,432 No, it's me. 438 00:16:39,519 --> 00:16:40,738 What the hell happened to you? 439 00:16:40,825 --> 00:16:42,043 I went down to the beach, 440 00:16:42,130 --> 00:16:43,959 and I tried to talk to Schmidt, 441 00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:45,874 but he just ignored me, 442 00:16:45,961 --> 00:16:48,136 and he went back to twirling his fire baton. 443 00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:50,705 He's really bad; he burned a lot of people. 444 00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:52,880 I feel like they should let you twirl it around a few times 445 00:16:52,967 --> 00:16:54,796 before they actually light it on fire. 446 00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:56,231 Well, look, Jess, being friends with Schmidt 447 00:16:56,318 --> 00:16:58,278 is really complicated. 448 00:16:58,365 --> 00:16:59,408 'Cause you want to change him 449 00:16:59,495 --> 00:17:01,193 so badly, 450 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:04,240 but you can't 'cause he'll just get worse. 451 00:17:04,326 --> 00:17:07,808 You guys were right, I upset the ecosystem. 452 00:17:07,895 --> 00:17:10,159 [sniffles] This is not what I wanted. 453 00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:13,205 I just wanted to put my hutch here. 454 00:17:13,292 --> 00:17:16,164 Make the place my own, be a part of the family. 455 00:17:16,251 --> 00:17:17,688 What family? With these clowns? 456 00:17:17,775 --> 00:17:20,517 Yeah, you clowns. 457 00:17:20,604 --> 00:17:22,040 Well, look, you want in, you're in. 458 00:17:22,127 --> 00:17:24,391 Congratulations, welcome to the family, Jess. 459 00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:26,000 Aww. 460 00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,785 Yeah, we don't "aww" in this family. 461 00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:29,613 [door unlocking] 462 00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,181 [mumbling] 463 00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:36,881 Hey, guys. 464 00:17:36,968 --> 00:17:38,099 Hey, Schmidt. 465 00:17:38,186 --> 00:17:40,319 Um, we need to talk. 466 00:17:42,712 --> 00:17:44,498 Something not cool? 467 00:17:49,763 --> 00:17:50,765 Schmidt, we miss you. 468 00:17:50,852 --> 00:17:51,766 You just want me to clean. 469 00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:53,462 No, that's not true. 470 00:17:53,549 --> 00:17:54,637 Well, it's a little bit true. There's truth to that. 471 00:17:54,724 --> 00:17:56,117 Okay, look.I want you to clean. 472 00:17:56,204 --> 00:17:58,119 Look, we're so proud of you 473 00:17:58,207 --> 00:17:59,773 for letting go, and relaxing. 474 00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:02,690 But this isn't like you. 475 00:18:02,777 --> 00:18:04,299 You can run away from your problems, 476 00:18:04,386 --> 00:18:06,867 but you're just gonna find new ones that pop up 477 00:18:06,954 --> 00:18:08,304 like hepatitis. 478 00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:10,219 And Nick and Winston 479 00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:13,048 want to say to you that they really miss you. 480 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,135 You're freaking me out, man. 481 00:18:14,222 --> 00:18:16,007 Why are you wearing that crystal 482 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,096 around your neck?Nick, the crystal symbolizes energy. 483 00:18:18,183 --> 00:18:20,185 All a crystal is is rock poo, Schmidt. 484 00:18:20,272 --> 00:18:22,101 Look, I need you, Schmidt. 485 00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:25,930 Okay, I need you to tell me what pants not to wear 486 00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:28,150 and to exercise more often. 487 00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:30,065 I need you to make fun of me when I call 488 00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:31,848 a panini a hot sandwich; how am I ever gonna learn? 489 00:18:31,935 --> 00:18:32,936 WINSTON: I even miss 490 00:18:33,023 --> 00:18:34,155 your hair chutney. 491 00:18:34,242 --> 00:18:36,375 Without you, man, we're just 492 00:18:36,462 --> 00:18:38,116 three idiots who live together. 493 00:18:38,203 --> 00:18:39,814 [sighs] 494 00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:41,729 You make us a family. 495 00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:47,125 [chuckling] Well, I'm the cool rebel brother. 496 00:18:47,212 --> 00:18:48,561 You're the mom. The mother. Mom. 497 00:18:48,648 --> 00:18:50,172 NICK: Look, Schmidt, if you come 498 00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:53,609 back to us, I'll let you clean my room. 499 00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:56,743 The white whale? 500 00:18:56,830 --> 00:18:59,573 Think about how many dust bunnies are under my bed. 501 00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:00,922 How many stray socks. 502 00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:02,315 JESS: Hey, Schmidt, 503 00:19:02,402 --> 00:19:04,098 I got you something. 504 00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:05,883 Is that a boutique box? 505 00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:10,626 A pair of gray, shiny, twill, flat-front trousers 506 00:19:10,713 --> 00:19:13,717 designed by a man named Calvin. 507 00:19:13,804 --> 00:19:16,241 Never been tried on. 508 00:19:16,328 --> 00:19:18,026 Pockets are sewn shut. 509 00:19:18,113 --> 00:19:20,070 Don't you just want to get your thumbs in there 510 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,203 and rip? 511 00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:24,554 Okay, so, I'm just gonna leave this 512 00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:25,903 on your bongo drum, 513 00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:28,818 and you can, you know, 514 00:19:28,905 --> 00:19:31,170 give them a whirl if you feel like it. 515 00:19:35,826 --> 00:19:38,525 Just make the right decision. 516 00:19:38,612 --> 00:19:39,961 [whispering] Come home. 517 00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:43,182 Take the pants. 518 00:19:46,009 --> 00:19:48,273 [clears throat] 519 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,886 [sighs] Oh, come here. 520 00:19:57,586 --> 00:19:59,153 [sighs] 521 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,982 [chuckling] Calvin. 522 00:20:02,069 --> 00:20:04,637 You magnificent wizard. 523 00:20:04,724 --> 00:20:06,901 [water running, dishes clattering] 524 00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:15,257 Scmidtty. 525 00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:17,954 Nick, your hair is doing that thing 526 00:20:18,041 --> 00:20:19,566 that I just... I just hate. 527 00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:21,741 And Jess, can you please ask Winston to help you 528 00:20:21,828 --> 00:20:23,787 move the furniture out? He could use the exercise. 529 00:20:23,874 --> 00:20:25,701 You're looking a little, you know... [sputters] 530 00:20:25,788 --> 00:20:27,226 He's back.And Nick, Winston, 531 00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:28,791 we have a urinal. 532 00:20:28,878 --> 00:20:30,358 How are you still missing? 533 00:20:30,445 --> 00:20:32,186 [door closes]CECE: Schmidt? 534 00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:33,840 Schmidt, wake up. 535 00:20:33,927 --> 00:20:35,798 Hey, hey. 536 00:20:35,885 --> 00:20:37,236 Hey. 537 00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:38,279 Hey! 538 00:20:38,366 --> 00:20:40,064 [both screaming] 539 00:20:40,151 --> 00:20:41,108 What... 540 00:20:41,195 --> 00:20:43,676 are you doing here? 541 00:20:43,763 --> 00:20:44,894 What do you think I'm doing here? Come on! 542 00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:50,204 Okay, wait, wait, wait. What? 543 00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:51,597 Cece, 544 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:53,251 before we continue, 545 00:20:53,338 --> 00:20:55,689 I clearly have no control in this relationship, 546 00:20:55,776 --> 00:20:58,909 and... I'm fine with it. 547 00:20:58,996 --> 00:21:00,998 Good.But know this, 548 00:21:01,085 --> 00:21:03,218 you're the one who broke into this apartment at 3:00 a.m. 549 00:21:03,305 --> 00:21:04,480 for a little bit of this Schmidt, 550 00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:06,089 so who's really in control? 551 00:21:06,176 --> 00:21:07,266 Shut up! 552 00:21:09,746 --> 00:21:11,356 [sighing] 553 00:21:14,010 --> 00:21:16,012 Wait, oh, are you sleeping in dress pants? 554 00:21:16,099 --> 00:21:17,579 What? They're slacks. 555 00:21:17,666 --> 00:21:19,973 What's the big deal? Calm down. Oh... 556 00:21:20,060 --> 00:21:23,064 SCHMIDT: Look how excited Hector J. is to see you. 557 00:21:23,151 --> 00:21:24,239 CECE: Yeah, I've already met Hector J., so... 558 00:21:24,326 --> 00:21:25,545 Ooh, look, he's knighting you. 559 00:21:25,632 --> 00:21:26,675 Oh, no, please stop knighting me. Don't... 560 00:21:26,762 --> 00:21:28,242 Lady Cecelia... 561 00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:29,809 No, Schmidt, I'm gonna leave. 562 00:21:29,896 --> 00:21:31,463 You have entered the order of the round table. 563 00:21:31,550 --> 00:21:33,161 I'm getting my bag, okay, I'm gonna get my... 564 00:21:33,248 --> 00:21:34,554 Oh, I want to stay.Dame Nasty Cece.