1
00:00:02,218 --> 00:00:03,654
Oh! Oh!

2
00:00:03,742 --> 00:00:05,961
[sighing]

3
00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:08,051
[chuckles]

4
00:00:08,137 --> 00:00:09,400
L'Chaim.

5
00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:12,054
To humping.

6
00:00:12,141 --> 00:00:14,448
[sighs]
I was like a river.

7
00:00:14,535 --> 00:00:15,971
Did you feel that?
Did you feel me sweeping you

8
00:00:16,059 --> 00:00:18,147
along with the
current of my body?

9
00:00:18,234 --> 00:00:20,019
You were like a canoe
on my body river.

10
00:00:20,106 --> 00:00:21,498
[laughs]
Like you'd ever be

11
00:00:21,585 --> 00:00:23,457
seaworthy with
those breasts.

12
00:00:23,545 --> 00:00:25,286
[chuckles]
Boobies.

13
00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:27,504
I wish there was
a word that meant

14
00:00:27,591 --> 00:00:30,681
complete satisfaction
and complete self-loathing.

15
00:00:30,768 --> 00:00:33,771
I've never seen a woman bite
her own shoulder before.

16
00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:36,165
That was the last time.

17
00:00:36,253 --> 00:00:37,558
You said that twice last night.

18
00:00:37,646 --> 00:00:39,082
You'll be back.

19
00:00:39,168 --> 00:00:40,518
I'm like your
black tar heroin.

20
00:00:40,604 --> 00:00:43,085
You just need that sweet taste
in your veins.

21
00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:46,002
Schmidttle and
the damage done.

22
00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:47,960
Neil Young, yo.

23
00:00:50,658 --> 00:00:53,140
Just get me out of here
without someone seeing.

24
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:57,709
JESS:
Schmidt?

25
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:02,539
Oh,

26
00:01:02,627 --> 00:01:05,368
did you have a
sexual guest?

27
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:06,891
What?
Was it

28
00:01:06,978 --> 00:01:08,329
the same girl
from the other night?

29
00:01:08,415 --> 00:01:09,938
I don't know
what you're talking about.

30
00:01:10,025 --> 00:01:11,506
It is, oh, my God.

31
00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:13,376
You slept with the same
girl twice in a row?

32
00:01:13,463 --> 00:01:15,423
Was it a mistake? Was she
wearing some kind of disguise?

33
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:17,947
Hey, Nick, Schmidt slept with
the same girl twice in a row.

34
00:01:18,033 --> 00:01:19,948
I owe you five dollars.

35
00:01:20,036 --> 00:01:22,691
You know, I thought I heard
the door open at 3:00 a.m.

36
00:01:22,777 --> 00:01:24,823
Those are the sounds
of true love.

37
00:01:24,909 --> 00:01:26,694
Bet she had the
time of her life.WINSTON: What happened?

38
00:01:26,781 --> 00:01:27,825
Did I miss her?

39
00:01:27,912 --> 00:01:29,132
You did.I love meeting

40
00:01:29,218 --> 00:01:30,263
the girls you bring home.

41
00:01:30,350 --> 00:01:31,569
I like to pretend
like I'm your lover

42
00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:33,962
on the down-low,
Theodore K. Mullins.

43
00:01:34,049 --> 00:01:36,966
Damn, Schmidt, in our bed?

44
00:01:37,052 --> 00:01:38,662
Where we shave each other?

45
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:39,968
I've always

46
00:01:40,055 --> 00:01:42,276
loved you,
you're my boo.

47
00:01:42,362 --> 00:01:43,537
Theodore K. Mullins
is not my type, man.

48
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:44,973
So, you gonna
three-peat this ho?

49
00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:46,844
Who is this bitch?
We want to meet her.

50
00:01:46,932 --> 00:01:49,543
I'm not gonna parade her
around like some trophy.

51
00:01:49,631 --> 00:01:51,676
You know me,
I'm not that kind of guy.

52
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:53,983
Oh!

53
00:01:54,069 --> 00:01:55,811
Schmidt told me this
was the front door?

54
00:01:58,073 --> 00:01:59,554
What's wrong with her?
Does she have a hunchback?

55
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:00,381
Dwarf parts?

56
00:02:00,468 --> 00:02:01,337
Lovitz body?

57
00:02:01,424 --> 00:02:02,599
She happens to be

58
00:02:02,686 --> 00:02:04,906
an incredibly beautiful woman.

59
00:02:04,993 --> 00:02:06,126
She another one
of your heavy gingers, Schmidt?

60
00:02:06,212 --> 00:02:08,127
How big are her knuckles?Butter body?

61
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:10,564
She has a Hitler mustache.

62
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,350
I'm sorry, just, like,

63
00:02:14,437 --> 00:02:16,439
I want to banter
with you guys in the morning.

64
00:02:16,526 --> 00:02:17,962
I just, like, panicked,
and I made a Hitler joke.

65
00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:18,877
I'm sorry.

66
00:02:18,963 --> 00:02:21,966
♪ Hey, girl ♪

67
00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:24,013
♪ What you doing? ♪

68
00:02:24,099 --> 00:02:27,146
♪ Hey, girl ♪

69
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:30,105
♪ Where you going? ♪

70
00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:32,586
♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ Who's that girl?♪

71
00:02:32,674 --> 00:02:34,197
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

72
00:02:34,283 --> 00:02:36,634
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. ♪

73
00:02:42,074 --> 00:02:44,947
Your science projects
are looking great, you guys.

74
00:02:45,033 --> 00:02:46,340
Love the potato battery, Harper.

75
00:02:46,426 --> 00:02:47,645
Good job.
Thanks.

76
00:02:47,731 --> 00:02:50,343
Luke, I like your tree exhibit.

77
00:02:50,430 --> 00:02:52,127
Might want to think
about changing the name.

78
00:02:52,215 --> 00:02:53,302
Okay?
Okay.

79
00:02:53,389 --> 00:02:55,000
Whoa.

80
00:02:55,086 --> 00:02:57,045
You built a robotic arm.

81
00:02:57,133 --> 00:02:58,787
I think we know who's gonna win.

82
00:02:58,873 --> 00:03:00,788
Anyone can still win, Brianna.

83
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:02,573
Even me, Miss Day?

84
00:03:02,659 --> 00:03:04,793
Yes.

85
00:03:04,879 --> 00:03:05,881
[school bell ringing]

86
00:03:05,967 --> 00:03:08,275
Okay, lunchtime.

87
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:18,459
Can I have lunch in here?

88
00:03:18,545 --> 00:03:20,199
Oh, no, Nathaniel, what's wrong?

89
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:21,896
In the cafeteria,

90
00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:24,204
kids have started playing
this game, coin slot.

91
00:03:24,290 --> 00:03:26,293
They put pennies
in my butt crack.

92
00:03:27,728 --> 00:03:29,295
I made 46 cents.

93
00:03:29,383 --> 00:03:31,211
No, no, no,
you earned that.

94
00:03:32,776 --> 00:03:34,300
Um,

95
00:03:34,388 --> 00:03:35,780
Nathaniel,
I'm gonna help you out.

96
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,872
Julia sent me a cactus.

97
00:03:42,308 --> 00:03:43,570
She's on a business trip
to China,

98
00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:45,485
and she sent it to me
out of the blue.

99
00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:49,663
I'm not an idiot.

100
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:52,057
She's gonna break up with me.

101
00:03:52,144 --> 00:03:54,103
Who told you that?

102
00:03:54,189 --> 00:03:56,147
Did the cactus tell you that?

103
00:03:56,235 --> 00:03:58,454
Is this one of those
fortune-telling cactuses...

104
00:03:58,542 --> 00:04:00,805
Winston, think.
She's gonna break up with me.

105
00:04:00,891 --> 00:04:03,068
She doesn't think I can
take care of a regular plant.

106
00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:04,679
Well, you can't.

107
00:04:12,163 --> 00:04:14,776
Any idiot can take care
of a cactus, Winston.

108
00:04:14,862 --> 00:04:15,993
She thinks I'm an idiot.

109
00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:17,518
Why are you watering a cactus?

110
00:04:17,605 --> 00:04:18,562
Because I'm an idiot.

111
00:04:18,649 --> 00:04:20,694
Julia sent him a cactus,

112
00:04:20,781 --> 00:04:21,696
which means
she's gonna break up with him.

113
00:04:21,783 --> 00:04:23,437
[laughs]

114
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:24,699
Hm.

115
00:04:24,786 --> 00:04:26,569
I'm sorry, I thought
that was a joke

116
00:04:26,656 --> 00:04:28,442
because otherwise that would
be totally stupid and insane.

117
00:04:28,528 --> 00:04:30,052
Snap out of it, son.

118
00:04:30,139 --> 00:04:31,314
Jess, you don't get it.

119
00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:34,185
This cactus is like a symbol

120
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,971
of my relationship with her.

121
00:04:36,057 --> 00:04:37,581
Oh!
Oh, my God.

122
00:04:40,627 --> 00:04:42,803
I'm not gonna quit on this.

123
00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,500
I'm gonna get her back.

124
00:04:44,588 --> 00:04:46,634
[shutter clicks]

125
00:04:46,721 --> 00:04:48,331
There it is.

126
00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:49,723
Look at that.

127
00:04:49,810 --> 00:04:52,596
Not bad, just fix red eye,
red eye,

128
00:04:52,682 --> 00:04:53,596
red eye.

129
00:04:53,683 --> 00:04:54,946
Send.

130
00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:55,947
[phone rings]

131
00:04:56,033 --> 00:04:57,644
Hello?

132
00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:58,819
CECE:
Where are you?

133
00:04:58,906 --> 00:05:00,690
Oh, hey, Cecilia,

134
00:05:00,778 --> 00:05:03,519
Did you get my junk mail?

135
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:05,348
I'm in front of your loft.

136
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:07,524
I know I said that last time
was the last time,

137
00:05:07,610 --> 00:05:10,571
but... you want to come down?

138
00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:12,660
Yeah, I want to co...
[clears throat]

139
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:13,964
Yeah, I'll come down,
that sounds good.

140
00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:14,749
All right.

141
00:05:18,055 --> 00:05:20,057
So, I think I changed
a life today, you guys.

142
00:05:20,144 --> 00:05:22,016
I pulled a Gandhi,
a real Gandhi.

143
00:05:22,103 --> 00:05:23,757
There's a student of mine,

144
00:05:23,845 --> 00:05:25,629
he's been bullied for
the past few months,

145
00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:27,370
so after warning the kids
that there would be

146
00:05:27,456 --> 00:05:29,632
serious repercussions
if this continued,

147
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,331
I delivered a lesson
in the key of learning.

148
00:05:32,418 --> 00:05:33,463
[door opens, closes]

149
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:36,117
Learning minor.
[chuckles]

150
00:05:39,730 --> 00:05:42,951
♪ He's a plump bird who prefers
the shelter of a hole ♪

151
00:05:43,038 --> 00:05:45,257
[drum machine joins in]

152
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,259
♪ He has a stubby beak ♪

153
00:05:47,346 --> 00:05:49,043
♪ And a nervous soul ♪

154
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:52,786
♪ Because being chased ♪

155
00:05:52,874 --> 00:05:54,483
♪ By predators takes its toll ♪

156
00:05:56,877 --> 00:06:01,185
♪ Let the sad sparrow
fly on... ♪

157
00:06:01,273 --> 00:06:04,189
You think singing a song
about a kid

158
00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:06,583
is gonna stop him
from getting his ass kicked?

159
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:09,456
I know 12-year-olds are vicious,
vengeful creatures.

160
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:10,935
Middle-school girls

161
00:06:11,021 --> 00:06:12,894
literally scalp each other.

162
00:06:12,980 --> 00:06:15,069
I spent most of sixth grade
with a bald spot on my head.

163
00:06:15,156 --> 00:06:16,637
What?But don't tell me

164
00:06:16,723 --> 00:06:17,855
music can't make a difference,

165
00:06:17,942 --> 00:06:19,161
'cause it can.

166
00:06:19,247 --> 00:06:20,509
Those kids were videotaping me

167
00:06:20,596 --> 00:06:21,815
on their cell phones.Right.

168
00:06:21,903 --> 00:06:23,120
I think these kids
are gonna really

169
00:06:23,207 --> 00:06:24,687
remember that.Yeah, um,

170
00:06:24,774 --> 00:06:25,906
You know, this day.what's the song called?

171
00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:27,648
Um, "Sad Sparrow

172
00:06:27,735 --> 00:06:30,606
[Imagine A World Without
Bullies]" why?

173
00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:32,435
This is why.

174
00:06:32,521 --> 00:06:35,350
♪ He's not smartest bird
or the most pretty ♪

175
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,005
[bird screeches,
Winston whistles]

176
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:38,875
♪ He spreads disease ♪What?

177
00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:42,183
♪ Throughout the city ♪

178
00:06:42,271 --> 00:06:44,752
Well, at least the bully's not
making fun of that kid anymore.

179
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,100
They're making fun of me.

180
00:06:46,187 --> 00:06:47,668
[farting noise]

181
00:06:47,754 --> 00:06:51,540
[Winston and Nick laughing]

182
00:06:51,627 --> 00:06:53,108
The hawk just took
a little poop on you.

183
00:06:53,194 --> 00:06:54,675
I'm not proud of myself
for saying this,

184
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,197
but it's a really funny video.

185
00:06:56,284 --> 00:07:01,028
♪ Sad sparrow fly on... ♪[laughter]

186
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:08,122
Why can't we just go upstairs
for a little Schmidt and Spin?

187
00:07:08,209 --> 00:07:10,038
You just said that everybody's
upstairs in the living room.

188
00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:11,300
Okay, fine, what
about your place?

189
00:07:11,387 --> 00:07:12,692
My place is not
an option right now.

190
00:07:12,779 --> 00:07:14,302
All the models are there.

191
00:07:14,389 --> 00:07:16,130
It's 12 models in two rooms.

192
00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:17,653
It's like a room full
of hungry Russians.

193
00:07:17,740 --> 00:07:20,004
Uh, yes, please,
let's go there.

194
00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:22,442
What about just a little good,
old-fashioned car sex?

195
00:07:22,528 --> 00:07:23,920
I can't do any
of my moves in there.

196
00:07:24,007 --> 00:07:25,706
I like to improvise
with my body.

197
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:27,358
I'm like a sexual snowflake.

198
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,752
Each night with me is a
unique experience, Cece.

199
00:07:29,839 --> 00:07:32,103
Okay, are we gonna do this,
or not?

200
00:07:32,189 --> 00:07:34,627
'Cause I kind of need this
to happen right now, okay?

201
00:07:34,715 --> 00:07:36,281
Isn't there, like,
a Starbucks bathroom around here

202
00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:37,718
or something we could use?

203
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:40,024
What do I look like,
a Gypsy courtesan?

204
00:07:40,110 --> 00:07:41,548
So, how hard are
you gonna drop

205
00:07:41,634 --> 00:07:43,331
the hammer on the kid
who did this?

206
00:07:43,418 --> 00:07:45,855
I'm gonna find this kid,
and I'm just gonna...

207
00:07:45,942 --> 00:07:47,423
open up a dialogue.

208
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:48,903
Not gonna work.

209
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,207
Take it from me,
I used to be a bully.

210
00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:52,079
[grunting]
Ow!

211
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,081
Brown lightning!

212
00:07:54,168 --> 00:07:56,300
Wow, you had a catchphrase?Yeah.

213
00:07:56,387 --> 00:07:57,519
You got to hit them
where it hurts.

214
00:07:57,606 --> 00:07:58,608
Thank you, Winston,

215
00:07:58,694 --> 00:07:59,740
but I have a different approach.

216
00:07:59,826 --> 00:08:01,132
Jerk-sica?

217
00:08:01,218 --> 00:08:03,786
My last name rhymes
with "gay,"

218
00:08:03,874 --> 00:08:06,920
and the best thing
you can think of is Jerk-sica?

219
00:08:07,007 --> 00:08:08,182
Reason.

220
00:08:08,269 --> 00:08:10,663
[phone chiming]

221
00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:11,882
Hey, Schmidt.

222
00:08:11,968 --> 00:08:15,363
Oh, there is?
Thank you.

223
00:08:15,451 --> 00:08:16,757
He says we should look
out the window.

224
00:08:16,843 --> 00:08:18,105
There's a crescent moon
out tonight.

225
00:08:18,192 --> 00:08:19,106
Oh, dip, seriously?

226
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:28,682
Why do we care
about a crescent moon?

227
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,987
I don't know.

228
00:08:31,074 --> 00:08:34,470
I'm gonna live
up there someday.

229
00:08:36,645 --> 00:08:38,952
Hey, Julia, what's up, girl?

230
00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:40,606
Hope you're having
a great time in Beijing.

231
00:08:40,693 --> 00:08:42,173
I miss you;
I can't wait to see you.

232
00:08:42,259 --> 00:08:43,173
I got the cactus.

233
00:08:43,260 --> 00:08:45,263
Thank you so much.

234
00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:46,787
I'm taking great care of it.

235
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:48,135
Yeah, things are doing
good here.

236
00:08:48,222 --> 00:08:50,355
Everything's really cool,
just...

237
00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:53,967
taking names, kicking butt,
you know, all that.

238
00:08:54,054 --> 00:08:55,447
So, great,
I'll see you Wednesday.

239
00:08:55,534 --> 00:08:57,493
You're the best around.

240
00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,451
Nope, that's not gonna
be the one.

241
00:08:59,538 --> 00:09:02,279
Hey, Julia, just calling back
to say that I get it.

242
00:09:02,366 --> 00:09:03,543
Message received.

243
00:09:03,629 --> 00:09:05,413
I'm the cactus.

244
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:06,589
If you put me in the desert,

245
00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:07,894
I'll grow some needles, too.

246
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,070
You bet I would.

247
00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:10,767
You bet
I would.

248
00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:12,552
FYI, I'm not high right now.

249
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,336
Julia!

250
00:09:14,423 --> 00:09:15,684
Julia!

251
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,600
Call me back.

252
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,297
Call me back, Julia.

253
00:09:19,384 --> 00:09:21,255
Julia, it's Nick.

254
00:09:21,342 --> 00:09:23,823
I'm sorry, I just realized
about the time difference.

255
00:09:23,911 --> 00:09:25,389
So, if you get this one first,

256
00:09:25,476 --> 00:09:27,392
could you please just delete
the other ones?

257
00:09:27,479 --> 00:09:28,654
I love you.

258
00:09:28,741 --> 00:09:30,657
What did I jus...?

259
00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:33,746
I don't hear anyone out there.

260
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,009
I think I'm safe.

261
00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:36,966
And I-I want you to know,

262
00:09:37,053 --> 00:09:38,533
that was the last time, okay?

263
00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:40,404
This is over.

264
00:09:40,491 --> 00:09:42,451
But we haven't even gotten
to the cheese course.

265
00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:43,669
A little sharp

266
00:09:43,756 --> 00:09:45,585
aged cheddar? Mm-hmm.

267
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:47,716
Manchego?

268
00:09:47,803 --> 00:09:49,500
Maybe some buttery Gruyère?

269
00:09:49,588 --> 00:09:51,241
You sure you want
to miss out?

270
00:09:51,328 --> 00:09:52,721
I just want to...

271
00:09:52,808 --> 00:09:55,158
slowly peel the wax
off your Babybels.

272
00:09:55,245 --> 00:09:58,075
What are you even saying?

273
00:09:58,162 --> 00:09:59,990
How about a little
stinky Taleggio?

274
00:10:00,076 --> 00:10:01,861
Why is this working?

275
00:10:01,948 --> 00:10:04,211
I am so turned on
right now.

276
00:10:04,298 --> 00:10:05,908
Or maybe some
cream cheese?

277
00:10:05,995 --> 00:10:07,302
Want some schmear, Cece?

278
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:08,825
You know what?

279
00:10:08,912 --> 00:10:10,086
Cece, you should go.

280
00:10:10,173 --> 00:10:11,480
Because if you have the strength

281
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,524
to turn all this down,

282
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,875
do it.

283
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,706
Yeah, I'm good.

284
00:10:23,404 --> 00:10:26,842
Hi. Who do I speak to
re: getting something removed

285
00:10:26,929 --> 00:10:28,845
from the Internet?

286
00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:30,106
Yeah, I can hold.

287
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,677
[sighs]

288
00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:35,982
Want to party with Havarti?

289
00:10:36,070 --> 00:10:38,028
Fine.

290
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:40,335
Give me the damn cheese.

291
00:10:50,258 --> 00:10:52,086
So, Brianna,

292
00:10:52,173 --> 00:10:53,522
I saw the robot arm

293
00:10:53,609 --> 00:10:54,827
in the user profile,

294
00:10:54,914 --> 00:10:56,437
so I know you
made that video.

295
00:10:56,524 --> 00:10:58,265
So I thought we could sit
and talk for a minute.

296
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:05,533
Look, Brianna, I know
you're better than this.

297
00:11:05,620 --> 00:11:07,144
Can we talk about you
for a few minutes?

298
00:11:07,230 --> 00:11:10,321
Can we talk about you instead?

299
00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,149
I'm an open book;
ask me anything.

300
00:11:12,235 --> 00:11:13,455
How come you don't have
a boyfriend?

301
00:11:13,542 --> 00:11:16,023
And why did Mr. Genzlinger
dump you?

302
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:18,067
And is it true that
your boyfriend before that

303
00:11:18,154 --> 00:11:19,287
cheated on you?

304
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:20,854
Are you barren, Miss Day?

305
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:22,985
And why is your voice
so deep like a man's?

306
00:11:23,072 --> 00:11:24,770
It's no... it's not.Your happiness

307
00:11:24,857 --> 00:11:26,120
seems like a mask.

308
00:11:26,206 --> 00:11:28,164
Well, I better go.

309
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:41,961
What have I done?

310
00:11:45,442 --> 00:11:47,619
NICK: Julia! So glad you're home!

311
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:49,360
Hey.

312
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,710
Are you okay?

313
00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,407
Yes, I'm okay;
welcome back.

314
00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:54,104
Are you sure?Did you listen to
all the messages?

315
00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:56,236
I did.
You did? That sucks.

316
00:11:56,323 --> 00:11:57,368
You know, I really
didn't mean anything.

317
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:58,586
I know.
I-I didn't.

318
00:11:58,673 --> 00:11:59,849
Look, I got in
my head, Julia,

319
00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,677
I thought you sent
me this cactus

320
00:12:01,764 --> 00:12:03,200
because you were
trying to tell me

321
00:12:03,287 --> 00:12:05,028
that I can't take care
of a normal plant.

322
00:12:05,115 --> 00:12:07,465
Which, when I think about
it, I probably can't.

323
00:12:07,552 --> 00:12:09,250
Plants freak me out.

324
00:12:09,336 --> 00:12:11,513
I'm way better with
babies, actually.

325
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,644
Hmm.
Not that I want
to have, like,

326
00:12:13,732 --> 00:12:14,995
a baby with you,
like, right now.

327
00:12:15,081 --> 00:12:16,474
I can see us having babies.Please, can we not...

328
00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:18,912
I know, that's not
what I mean to say.No, come on...

329
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,652
I'm getting weird again.
What I mean to say,No, Nick, I need to say...

330
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,957
Julia, please, I overreacted.

331
00:12:22,044 --> 00:12:23,830
I think we should break up.

332
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:27,311
I do.

333
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:31,880
I mean, I didn't realize it
when I sent it...

334
00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:35,493
but then after listening
to the seven...

335
00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:36,972
Yeah, I know.

336
00:12:37,059 --> 00:12:38,495
...seven, Nick,

337
00:12:38,582 --> 00:12:39,889
Seven, yeah.separate voice mails

338
00:12:39,975 --> 00:12:41,760
about the meaning
behind the cactus,

339
00:12:41,847 --> 00:12:45,547
I don't know, it really
just clicked in for me,

340
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:47,941
and I just, I don't think
that we should do this anymore.

341
00:12:48,028 --> 00:12:49,551
I'm really sorry.

342
00:12:57,384 --> 00:12:59,125
So I was right
about the cactus.

343
00:13:01,475 --> 00:13:04,347
Okay, what kind of crazy person
destroys a child's robot?

344
00:13:04,434 --> 00:13:06,741
Can you bring me, like, a bunch
of Phillips-head screwdrivers

345
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:10,964
and, like, a Crescent wrench
and, like, other tool things?

346
00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:12,139
What if I'm busy?

347
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,532
[laughs]

348
00:13:14,619 --> 00:13:15,706
Thank you, Winston.

349
00:13:15,794 --> 00:13:17,274
I really needed that.

350
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:18,841
It's been a really hard week.

351
00:13:18,927 --> 00:13:20,495
Hey, man,
I'm going to the beach

352
00:13:20,581 --> 00:13:22,802
to watch the sun go down,
'cause I love sunsets.

353
00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:24,412
Did you know that about me?

354
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:26,674
What the hell is wrong with you?

355
00:13:26,761 --> 00:13:30,852
Oh, Julia dumped me,
so sad face.

356
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,551
Hey, do you want
to come with me to the beach?

357
00:13:33,638 --> 00:13:34,943
'Cause I feel great,
I'm ready to rock,

358
00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:36,466
but I really don't
want to be alone.

359
00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:39,861
Scissors?

360
00:13:39,948 --> 00:13:42,255
How am I supposed to fix
a robot arm with scissors?

361
00:13:42,342 --> 00:13:43,431
Those are my
good scissors.

362
00:13:43,518 --> 00:13:45,040
Why do you have good scissors?

363
00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:47,913
You know, the news
only focuses on what goes wrong.

364
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,437
Never talks about
what goes right.

365
00:13:49,524 --> 00:13:50,786
Evolution.

366
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:51,700
You know?That's it. Come here.

367
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:53,397
Yeah, exactly.

368
00:13:53,484 --> 00:13:55,878
I'm gonna kill him.
Can you get him out of here?

369
00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:58,663
Hey, guys, you guys want
to watch The Pianolater?

370
00:13:58,750 --> 00:13:59,794
[chuckles]

371
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,535
Here?

372
00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:03,451
You want to do it here?

373
00:14:03,538 --> 00:14:05,756
Okay... all right.
What's the scenario?

374
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,020
We enter separately,
pretending to be strangers

375
00:14:08,107 --> 00:14:09,717
meeting in the bathroom.

376
00:14:09,804 --> 00:14:11,720
You want me on the can,
off the can?

377
00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:13,068
No, I just, I
just need to

378
00:14:13,155 --> 00:14:14,461
pop in this party
for, like, 20 minutes.

379
00:14:14,548 --> 00:14:15,855
When I come back,
we'll have sex.

380
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,291
Okay, yeah, let's do it.

381
00:14:17,378 --> 00:14:19,206
Oh, no. Um, I'm going
in there alone.

382
00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:21,424
Well, what am I supposed to do?

383
00:14:21,511 --> 00:14:22,470
I'll crack a window for you.

384
00:14:22,557 --> 00:14:24,775
Crack a window for me?

385
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,168
Yeah.What am I, your sex dog?

386
00:14:26,255 --> 00:14:28,041
What... what if I have to go
to the bathroom?

387
00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:30,043
Why don't you just
give me a chew toy.

388
00:14:30,129 --> 00:14:32,261
Come on, Schmidt, stop
being such a big baby.

389
00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:34,917
Oh, my... Are you ashamed of me?

390
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:36,701
Yes. Absolutely.

391
00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:39,529
100%. I'm 100%
ashamed of you.

392
00:14:39,616 --> 00:14:41,836
What-what a revelation.

393
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:44,404
Okay, come on, Schmidt, I
can't be the first woman

394
00:14:44,491 --> 00:14:46,145
who's ashamed
to be with you.

395
00:14:46,232 --> 00:14:49,584
Okay, look,
I won't go into your party,

396
00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:51,412
if...

397
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:53,804
if you go to breakfast
with me tomorrow.

398
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,546
In public.

399
00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:57,548
Yeah, okay.

400
00:14:57,634 --> 00:14:58,679
Oh, really?

401
00:14:58,767 --> 00:14:59,855
Really.

402
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,378
I mean, I can
survive breakfast.

403
00:15:02,552 --> 00:15:05,339
I'll be back soon.

404
00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:06,514
[loud music playing nearby]

405
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,341
Hey, Wendy.
How's it going?

406
00:15:08,428 --> 00:15:10,518
[helicopter flying overhead]

407
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:23,705
I hope it works.

408
00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:25,750
I didn't get a chance
to test it.

409
00:15:25,836 --> 00:15:27,708
[chuckles] Even broken, it's
still got a shot at top prize.

410
00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:29,493
I mean, have you seen
some of this crap?

411
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,451
"What can old
people do?"

412
00:15:31,538 --> 00:15:33,584
"Does it taste better
with hot sauce?"

413
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:34,846
My friends.

414
00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:36,152
Guess what I
just learned.

415
00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:37,500
What's inside of a pumpkin.

416
00:15:37,587 --> 00:15:39,415
Apparently, a lot.

417
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:40,764
I didn't know.

418
00:15:40,851 --> 00:15:41,941
[giggles softly]

419
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:43,855
Whoa!

420
00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:45,900
Winston, you have to
get him out of here.

421
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,336
You see him, he's
about to blow.

422
00:15:47,423 --> 00:15:48,556
I'm not having him
by himself right now.

423
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:49,904
JESS:
There's Brianna.

424
00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:54,649
Hi, Brianna.

425
00:15:54,735 --> 00:15:56,738
You must be
Brianna's moms.

426
00:15:56,825 --> 00:15:57,956
I'm Miss Day.

427
00:15:58,043 --> 00:15:59,044
Right. The singer.

428
00:15:59,131 --> 00:16:00,784
You're the one
who sings.

429
00:16:00,871 --> 00:16:03,397
This is Brianna's project,
a robotic arm.

430
00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:04,788
Start it up, Brianna.

431
00:16:06,529 --> 00:16:07,443
[gasps]

432
00:16:07,530 --> 00:16:09,316
[people gasping]

433
00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:11,708
[chuckles]

434
00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:14,321
And a project bursts
into flames.

435
00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:16,278
Brianna, what happened?

436
00:16:16,365 --> 00:16:18,063
Someone must have
sabotaged it.

437
00:16:19,803 --> 00:16:22,154
Bet it was Nathaniel.

438
00:16:22,241 --> 00:16:24,200
Hey! Get my scissors
out of your mouth!

439
00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:25,548
What is wrong
with you?!

440
00:16:27,421 --> 00:16:28,509
He's been creating problems
for our daughter.

441
00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:29,989
What are you gonna
do about it?

442
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,206
Nathaniel, come over here.

443
00:16:31,293 --> 00:16:34,427
Um, actually, uh...

444
00:16:35,602 --> 00:16:36,995
...this is my fault.

445
00:16:37,082 --> 00:16:39,693
I sabotaged the science project.

446
00:16:39,780 --> 00:16:41,260
You did what?
What?

447
00:16:41,347 --> 00:16:42,913
And it was
totally unprofessional.

448
00:16:43,001 --> 00:16:44,915
And I'm sorry,

449
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,006
but your daughter is--
how do I put this?

450
00:16:48,963 --> 00:16:50,835
Brianna is difficult.

451
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:53,099
Difficult? You're the one
that sabotaged her project.

452
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:54,274
You daughter sucks.

453
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:55,274
Okay, she is
a demon seed,

454
00:16:55,361 --> 00:16:57,494
she is the
spawn of Satan.

455
00:16:57,581 --> 00:16:59,365
And I do believe I speak
for the entire human race

456
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:03,065
when I say that people like her
should not be building robots.

457
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:04,500
Who are you?

458
00:17:04,587 --> 00:17:06,676
Brown lightning.

459
00:17:06,763 --> 00:17:08,114
I want her disciplined.

460
00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:09,723
NICK:
No! No!

461
00:17:09,810 --> 00:17:11,769
Wonderful.Hey, no.

462
00:17:11,855 --> 00:17:13,075
No.

463
00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:15,208
Why can't we all just

464
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:16,817
love each other, right?

465
00:17:18,211 --> 00:17:19,211
[whispers]:
What are you doing?

466
00:17:19,298 --> 00:17:21,431
Want a science project?

467
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:24,607
How about this as a science
project: love is a myth.

468
00:17:24,694 --> 00:17:26,045
Why is this Earth

469
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:28,002
so big and I am so small?

470
00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:31,701
So, yay, Earth.

471
00:17:31,788 --> 00:17:34,617
Be optimistic? Learn?

472
00:17:34,704 --> 00:17:36,184
We're all gonna die alone, so...

473
00:17:36,271 --> 00:17:38,012
[sobbing]

474
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:43,061
My office,
9:00 a.m.

475
00:17:43,148 --> 00:17:44,846
[sobbing]:
I was right about the cactus.

476
00:17:51,895 --> 00:17:56,509
I assure you, I'll be watching
Miss Day very closely.

477
00:17:56,596 --> 00:17:58,468
Thank you.

478
00:17:58,555 --> 00:17:59,382
Hi.

479
00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:03,517
I am so sorry, Tanya.

480
00:18:03,604 --> 00:18:05,039
Don't be.
[giggles]

481
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,476
I love it!

482
00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:09,000
Jess, you're a
real teacher now.

483
00:18:09,087 --> 00:18:09,784
What?

484
00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:10,914
You're a kid hater.

485
00:18:11,001 --> 00:18:12,481
You're one of us.

486
00:18:12,568 --> 00:18:15,006
Come here. Welcome.

487
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,096
I'm-I'm not a kid hater.

488
00:18:19,184 --> 00:18:21,273
That's right.

489
00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:23,928
None of us are.

490
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,104
[school bell ringing]

491
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:26,496
Hey, Brianna.

492
00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:28,672
Can I speak to you?

493
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:31,284
Hmm?
Look,

494
00:18:31,371 --> 00:18:33,589
I know I'm not your
favorite teacher.

495
00:18:33,676 --> 00:18:34,765
You don't like my style.

496
00:18:34,852 --> 00:18:36,549
That's fine.

497
00:18:36,636 --> 00:18:38,377
But I'm not gonna
change who I am,

498
00:18:38,464 --> 00:18:39,901
so you're just gonna
have to deal with it

499
00:18:39,988 --> 00:18:41,858
and respect it.

500
00:18:41,945 --> 00:18:43,644
Also, you're gonna
take this paper,

501
00:18:43,730 --> 00:18:45,384
and you're gonna
sing a duet with me.

502
00:18:45,471 --> 00:18:46,603
What?!

503
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:47,691
Oh, yeah.

504
00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:48,910
Everybody, settle down.

505
00:18:48,997 --> 00:18:50,954
Camera phones are encouraged.

506
00:18:51,041 --> 00:18:52,347
No.

507
00:18:52,434 --> 00:18:54,307
JESS:
One, two, three, four.

508
00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:56,613
SCHMIDT:
You really don't
want to be seen

509
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:58,484
having breakfast
with me, do you?

510
00:18:58,572 --> 00:19:00,008
Are we even still in L.A.?

511
00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:02,836
Schmidt, you and I
are not together.

512
00:19:02,923 --> 00:19:05,144
We're not in a relationship.

513
00:19:05,230 --> 00:19:07,667
We're just having sex.And I love it.

514
00:19:07,755 --> 00:19:10,236
And I'm not gonna be a prize
that you get to show off.

515
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:17,416
Look, guys are always
just showing me off,

516
00:19:17,503 --> 00:19:19,375
and I hate it.

517
00:19:19,461 --> 00:19:23,204
Look, I... I want to tell people

518
00:19:23,291 --> 00:19:27,077
because I think
that you are the dopest,

519
00:19:27,165 --> 00:19:28,602
flyest...

520
00:19:30,646 --> 00:19:34,390
...smartest, ballsiest,
bitchiest,

521
00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:36,435
truly terrifying woman

522
00:19:36,522 --> 00:19:38,480
that I have

523
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:41,180
sexually enjoyed
in a really long time.

524
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:48,664
Do you want
to tell the waitress?

525
00:19:48,751 --> 00:19:50,537
Uh, if I could have
everyone's attention.

526
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:52,233
Real quick, if
you could, uh...

527
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,845
Hey, guys, call a time-out
to whatever-whatever-

528
00:19:54,932 --> 00:19:56,891
whatever that thing is.
Okay, great.

529
00:19:56,978 --> 00:20:00,286
I am having sex
with this woman right here.

530
00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:02,288
You want to stand up?

531
00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:04,159
No.Okay, you don't want to
do it? All right, great.

532
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:06,901
I'm enjoying myself
im-immensely.

533
00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:08,294
Uh, it's, you know,

534
00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:09,598
a physical thing,
but I am definitely,

535
00:20:09,685 --> 00:20:12,689
for real having sex

536
00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:15,518
with this girl right here,
to completion.

537
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,872
Parkour!

538
00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:23,003
Hit it!

539
00:20:23,090 --> 00:20:24,657
Down! Hit it!

540
00:20:24,744 --> 00:20:26,398
Down! Hit it!

541
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:27,487
[knocking]

542
00:20:27,574 --> 00:20:29,489
Yeah.

543
00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:35,016
Hey.

544
00:20:37,539 --> 00:20:39,541
I got you a real plant.

545
00:20:39,628 --> 00:20:41,935
Yeah, I don't want it, Jess;
I'll just kill it.

546
00:20:42,022 --> 00:20:43,763
I know.

547
00:20:43,851 --> 00:20:45,417
You're a plant killer.

548
00:20:45,505 --> 00:20:47,201
And I write songs.

549
00:20:47,288 --> 00:20:49,203
We're weirdos.

550
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,205
But that's who we are.

551
00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:52,685
And that's fine.

552
00:20:52,772 --> 00:20:54,601
And you have
a giant cactus needle

553
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:56,079
sticking out of your face.

554
00:20:56,166 --> 00:20:58,734
What? Where is it?

555
00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:01,433
Can you get it out?
Get it out. Ow.

556
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:04,914
♪ So it's time
we all make a change ♪

557
00:21:05,001 --> 00:21:07,961
♪ Find somewhere else
for our loose change ♪

558
00:21:08,048 --> 00:21:10,529
The song is called "Let Me
Lift You Up With My Robot Arm"?

559
00:21:10,616 --> 00:21:13,183
Yeah.It's catchy.

560
00:21:13,271 --> 00:21:14,924
I mean, the title is flawed,
there's no question about that.

561
00:21:15,011 --> 00:21:17,753
But you are kicking ass
with the comments.

562
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,146
Look at this.

563
00:21:19,233 --> 00:21:21,105
"This teacher is muy caliente."

564
00:21:21,192 --> 00:21:22,932
Hot, hot, hot."I'd like to grade her
on a curve."

565
00:21:23,019 --> 00:21:24,892
JESS:
Yep.

566
00:21:24,979 --> 00:21:26,327
"Finally, entertainment
that doesn't

567
00:21:26,414 --> 00:21:28,112
resort to salty language."

568
00:21:28,199 --> 00:21:30,070
Finally.

569
00:21:30,157 --> 00:21:32,421
Jess, these commenters
are all you, aren't they?

570
00:21:32,508 --> 00:21:36,163
♪ My robot arm. ♪Yes. Yes, they are.

571
00:21:36,250 --> 00:21:37,991
♪ My robot arm. ♪