1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:04,072 (horn honks) NICK: Hey, hey, hey, man, this is my spot. 2 00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,238 I was here first! 3 00:00:05,272 --> 00:00:06,639 That's my space, huh? 4 00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:09,343 This isn't Europe! Move! Come on. Come on, Nick. 5 00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:11,244 Maybe he's a really nice guy. He's just having a bad day. 6 00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:12,512 I don't care if he's a nice guy. 7 00:00:12,545 --> 00:00:15,448 Get that piece of crap out of my space. 8 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:17,085 Don't... Come on, dude. Why don't you come in here, 9 00:00:17,117 --> 00:00:18,518 take my pants off... Nick! 10 00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:20,254 ...and kiss my a...? 11 00:00:20,288 --> 00:00:21,789 Oh! Oh, my God! 12 00:00:21,821 --> 00:00:23,623 What do you got to say now? Huh? 13 00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:25,893 Oh, my God, it's like The Wire! He has a gun. He has a gun. Stay down. 14 00:00:25,925 --> 00:00:27,561 Oh, my God. You still think he's a nice guy, Jess? 15 00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:28,896 That's what I thought. 16 00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:30,397 Maybe no one's ever been nice to him. 17 00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,200 Maybe violence is his only tool to express himself. 18 00:00:32,232 --> 00:00:34,268 Hi. Huh? Get down. What are you doing?! 19 00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:35,469 JESS: Hi. Don't kill us. 20 00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:36,570 Don't use guns! 21 00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:38,139 Stop it. Just stop it. Just get down. 22 00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:39,406 We're sorry. Take the spot. 23 00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:40,607 JESS: Sir... Just be submissive. 24 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:41,975 Sorry about this guy. 25 00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:43,310 Don't apologize... He's overreacting. 26 00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,945 I'm overreacting? He has a gun, 27 00:00:45,978 --> 00:00:48,115 and you're dressed like a bull's-eye. 28 00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:49,283 Thank you, sir. Thank you. 29 00:00:49,317 --> 00:00:50,651 I can't believe this is working. 30 00:00:50,683 --> 00:00:53,220 Sorry. You out-crazied a man with a gun. 31 00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:54,688 Have a good day. 32 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,457 See, it worked. 33 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:59,460 You always see the worst in people. 34 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:02,262 * Who's that girl? * Who's that girl? * 35 00:01:02,295 --> 00:01:03,764 * Who's that girl? 36 00:01:03,796 --> 00:01:05,533 * Who's that girl? * * It's Jess. 37 00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,402 Here we go again. 38 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:09,837 Another text message from work. Look at that. 39 00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:12,305 "Tokyo call at 11:00?" This is driving me crazy! 40 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:13,774 What is she trying to say? 41 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:16,109 I'm not an expert at your industry at all, 42 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,146 but, um, sounds like there's a call. 43 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,680 From Tokyo. 44 00:01:19,712 --> 00:01:20,881 Sometime today. 45 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,182 Oh, wait. At 11:00. 46 00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:23,650 You don't understand. 47 00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:26,153 I've been getting a lot of mixed signals from my boss lately. 48 00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:27,487 What is wrong with you? 49 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,289 The world is not out to seduce you. 50 00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:31,525 (phone buzzing) "And bring me the budget reports." 51 00:01:31,558 --> 00:01:34,093 Why can't she just say what she wants? 52 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:36,430 What kind of sick game is she playing? 53 00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:37,965 It's all in your head, man. It's always in your head. 54 00:01:37,997 --> 00:01:39,700 Nonfat vanilla latte. 55 00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:43,837 We're not talking about coffee... 56 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:45,104 are we? 57 00:01:46,706 --> 00:01:48,542 Three, please. 58 00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:51,078 Are you sure you want me to... 59 00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:53,414 stop at three? 60 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,515 I have a package for Schmidt. 61 00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:59,719 Sir, I'm very flattered, but I must decline. 62 00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,188 He said he had a package 63 00:02:01,221 --> 00:02:04,224 for Schmidt. JESS: Oh, you're always 64 00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:06,227 starting fights with everyone, Nick. 65 00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,828 I mean, not everyone's out to get you. 66 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,462 He had a gun, Jess! 67 00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:11,831 He was literally out to get me. 68 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:14,568 Isn't Nick the most negative person you've ever met? 69 00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,569 Absolutely, and you know what? It all pools up 70 00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,806 right in that little satinous center below his belly button. 71 00:02:18,838 --> 00:02:20,508 WINSTON: I mean, he's not wrong, though. 72 00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:22,443 His life is genuinely terrible. NICK: You know what, Jess? 73 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:25,179 I guess I don't live in a world where I smile, 74 00:02:25,212 --> 00:02:27,314 and people do what I want them to do. 75 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:29,015 You never smile. A smile is a sign of weakness. 76 00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:30,418 (screams, whirring) 77 00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:31,384 No! 78 00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:33,787 All right, everybody relax. 79 00:02:34,754 --> 00:02:36,257 (whirring) 80 00:02:36,289 --> 00:02:41,395 (clanking, Nick groaning) 81 00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:45,132 Get out! 82 00:02:45,164 --> 00:02:46,567 It's fixed. 83 00:02:46,599 --> 00:02:49,135 Okay, Nick, I'm calling the landlord. 84 00:02:49,168 --> 00:02:50,069 Uh-uh. This is ridiculous. 85 00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:51,472 Don't call the landlord. 86 00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:52,872 We don't need him here. He's a jerk. 87 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,542 See, here's an example. 88 00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:56,276 Maybe you never gave him the chance 89 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,911 to show you what a great guy he is. 90 00:02:57,944 --> 00:02:59,712 Yeah, he's a terrible person. No, Jess. He sucks. 91 00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,181 Don't call the landlord, I'm serious. 92 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:03,550 Okay. 93 00:03:05,618 --> 00:03:08,389 Hey, Kim, where should I put this... 94 00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:12,325 budget... report? 95 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,461 On the desk. Yeah, um, okay. 96 00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:16,329 I'll just... Thanks. So... 97 00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:19,266 Schmidt, my files need sorting. 98 00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:24,704 Do it here... so I can watch. 99 00:03:24,737 --> 00:03:26,774 Okay. 100 00:03:26,806 --> 00:03:28,975 So, you want me to... 101 00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,278 sort... your files? 102 00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:33,381 Is that right? 103 00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:39,787 What are you doing? 104 00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:41,854 What am I...? Hmm? Okay. 105 00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,223 Because I probably got this one wet, so I'm gonna re... 106 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:45,825 I'm just gonna replace all of them. 107 00:03:47,159 --> 00:03:49,562 (scraping) 108 00:03:57,670 --> 00:04:00,139 Knock, knock. Mr. Landlord? 109 00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:04,645 Um, I know you probably think cupcakes are totally lame. 110 00:04:04,677 --> 00:04:06,246 I know I do, 111 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,316 so if you could do me a solid and 112 00:04:08,348 --> 00:04:10,418 take care of those extras? 113 00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:15,355 Cool office. 114 00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:17,290 I like your... 115 00:04:17,324 --> 00:04:19,759 bucket of... 116 00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:21,127 gasoline. 117 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:23,096 It's super practical. 118 00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:24,997 What you got there? 119 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,601 Broom. 120 00:04:30,269 --> 00:04:32,505 So, I live in, um, Four D... 121 00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:36,543 There are a lot of real safety hazards in our loft. 122 00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:40,047 Nothing a little landlording couldn't fix. 123 00:04:40,079 --> 00:04:42,783 What do you say? No. 124 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:45,886 (water dripping) 125 00:04:48,187 --> 00:04:50,257 That's a sweet picture. 126 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:52,393 How old are your kids? 127 00:04:52,425 --> 00:04:54,026 I did that. 128 00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:55,928 It's me and my ex-wife. 129 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,367 Okay, you know what? Um... 130 00:04:59,399 --> 00:05:01,369 My roommates are really scared of you, but I know 131 00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:03,370 you're a good man, and I know you don't want 132 00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:04,805 the four of us living in a dangerous apartment. 133 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,105 The four of you? 134 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:09,377 Apartment Four D, there's only supposed to be three people. 135 00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:14,747 Oh, did I say four? 136 00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:15,682 You know what? 137 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:17,418 I was counting myself twice. 138 00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:18,851 It's so easy to do. 139 00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:21,689 Big personality over here, so... 140 00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:23,790 gonna go... (mutters) 141 00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:26,959 Hey, guys. 142 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,495 I've got a fun exercise. 143 00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:30,230 I'd like everybody to take a moment 144 00:05:30,262 --> 00:05:32,966 and think back to a time when they did something stupid, 145 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,668 how they were treated, and how they wish they were treated. 146 00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:38,505 What did you do, Jess? LANDLORD (knocking): Open up! 147 00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:40,139 Did you talk to the landlord? 148 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:42,709 Little bit. Okay, it's happening. Guys, go go go. 149 00:05:42,742 --> 00:05:43,711 Ginny. Call me Ginny. Ginny. 150 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,312 Ginny. I'm Ginny. Okay, go. 151 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,680 We'll be right there. Come on, let's go. Go, go. Okay, okay. 152 00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:48,281 NICK: Come on, this is what we trained for, guys. 153 00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:49,617 Go! All the way, all the way, all the way. 154 00:05:49,649 --> 00:05:50,918 Be careful with the duvet, please. 155 00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:53,052 Shut up, Schmidt! I'm freaking out! 156 00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:55,488 Oh, my God. Told you we didn't practice this enough. 157 00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:57,490 Jess, close those up. 158 00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,393 Oh, there goes the chinos. Oh! 159 00:05:59,427 --> 00:06:01,961 Brad. Coach. 160 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:06,634 (heavy accent): Oh. Hello. (laughs) 161 00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:09,036 Ginny! I had such nice time visiting Los Angeles. 162 00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,872 It's so many fancy people with their fancy lives. 163 00:06:11,904 --> 00:06:13,139 Oh. Hollywood! 164 00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:14,541 Oh. Oh, good-bye. 165 00:06:14,574 --> 00:06:15,875 Bye, Ginny. Yeah, Ginny. 166 00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:17,478 Thank you for memories. Bye, Ginny. 167 00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,379 Ginny. You're the best, Ginny. 168 00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:21,581 Oh, I'll miss him. I love Ginny. 169 00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,550 So, someone told me you have four people living here. 170 00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:24,985 NICK: Well, that idiot 171 00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:27,254 probably doesn't know what she's talking about, so... 172 00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:29,423 You don't want... you don't want to go in the library... 173 00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:30,957 Who left the library like this? 174 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:32,225 You kidding me? Oh! 175 00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:33,860 Know what? This is so 176 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,928 embarrassing. Who left the library like...? 177 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,598 This is a mess. Hey, hey, where you going, my man? 178 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:43,269 Oh. Hello. 179 00:06:43,302 --> 00:06:45,973 Train to Panama all sold out. 180 00:06:46,005 --> 00:06:48,007 Must be the Mardi Gras. 181 00:06:51,310 --> 00:06:53,547 Good God, what is this? 182 00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,582 Why would you do this? 183 00:06:55,615 --> 00:06:57,884 This was Schmidt's room, okay? He painted this. 184 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:01,021 It is a sexually-charged, zero-gravity tea ceremony. 185 00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:02,490 Paint over it! 186 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,024 Or you pay for it. 187 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,459 (mutters): He's fair. 188 00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:07,761 Who painted that? Giancarlo. 189 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,529 Some creepo Schmidt was obsessed with. 190 00:07:09,562 --> 00:07:11,163 He used to wear a le... 191 00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:14,300 I suggest you paint it, and you paint it fast! 192 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:15,935 Have fun, buddy. 193 00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:18,404 To be honest, I was expecting a lot worse, so just... 194 00:07:18,437 --> 00:07:20,206 Four people is fine. 195 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,810 Just paint over the sex wall, and don't bother me anymore. 196 00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:25,978 Hey, sir, wait. Jess, let... let him go. 197 00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:28,348 I just want to apologize on behalf 198 00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:30,684 of all of us for lying to you about how many people live here. 199 00:07:30,718 --> 00:07:32,084 Stop reminding him. 200 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,586 But while you're up here, might as well 201 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,055 just fix a few things. 202 00:07:36,288 --> 00:07:38,057 Please... Remy? 203 00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,793 How did you know my name? They call you? 204 00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:42,529 I saw your tattoo that says, 205 00:07:42,562 --> 00:07:44,598 "Hello, My Name is Remy," 206 00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,600 and I just... I took a leap of faith. 207 00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:48,067 Look, I know you're a good guy... 208 00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:50,937 Okay, what do you... what do you want fixed? 209 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,906 Why don't you close your eyes and point at something? 210 00:07:52,939 --> 00:07:55,808 Her. Not you. 211 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:04,384 Schmidt? Yeah. 212 00:08:04,416 --> 00:08:06,153 I need you to clean up my hard drive. 213 00:08:06,185 --> 00:08:08,656 Okay, do you want me to reformat first? I said, 214 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,189 I need you... 215 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,524 to clean up... 216 00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:13,860 my hard drive. 217 00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:19,667 I should have seen a divorce coming. 218 00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:22,401 You know, we stopped doing the little things, like 219 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,870 talking. 220 00:08:23,903 --> 00:08:25,738 One day, we were humping. 221 00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:27,608 Then everything changed. 222 00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:29,643 We weren't humping. 223 00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:31,778 That must have been really hard. 224 00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:33,212 You know, it was what it was. 225 00:08:33,245 --> 00:08:34,548 Come on, Remy. 226 00:08:34,581 --> 00:08:36,316 It was hard. 227 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,317 It was hard. Mm. 228 00:08:38,350 --> 00:08:40,187 All right, give it a shot. 229 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,022 Great. 230 00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:46,125 Okay. Oh. 231 00:08:46,158 --> 00:08:47,661 Here, I'll help... 232 00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,797 I'll brace you. Pull back. 233 00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:51,431 Okay. Use your hips. Come on. 234 00:08:51,463 --> 00:08:52,932 Okay... Oh! Oh, that's good. 235 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,301 That's it, is it? Okay. 236 00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,068 That'll do it. 237 00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,240 Hey, Jess. Can I talk to you for a minute alone? 238 00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:01,708 (sighs) (laughs) 239 00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:03,876 So, what's up? Ready to admit you were wrong? 240 00:09:03,910 --> 00:09:06,980 Hello. My name is Nick, and I like eating crow. 241 00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:08,948 That man wants to sleep with you. No, he doesn't. 242 00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:10,450 Yes, he does. He was just showing me how to close a closet. 243 00:09:10,482 --> 00:09:12,852 Okay, anytime a man shows a woman how to do something 244 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,788 from behind, it's just an excuse 245 00:09:14,822 --> 00:09:17,224 for him to get really close and breathe on her neck. 246 00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:18,357 Watch any sports movie. 247 00:09:18,390 --> 00:09:20,559 That is not a thing. You mind picking up that mug? 248 00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:23,630 Oh, no, you're doing it all wrong. 249 00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,032 Here, let me show you. 250 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,899 No, no, no. I've been doing this for years. 251 00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:28,368 See, the way to pick up a mug is like that. 252 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,004 You just got to relax into it. He wasn't doing that! 253 00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:32,105 That's exactly what he was doing. 254 00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:33,740 You always see the worst in people! 255 00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,341 Yeah, because people are the worst! 256 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,911 Whoa! Five bucks! 257 00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,980 Look out, college. Here I come! 258 00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,715 (laughs) 259 00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:44,451 That's it. People stink! 260 00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:46,485 You must have been doing something. 261 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,821 Are you seriously defending the man 262 00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,389 who pushed me into the bushes? 263 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,890 Well, people can be good. 264 00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:52,325 You just have to give them a chance to show you. 265 00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:55,095 MAN: Hey, little girl. 266 00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:57,529 You like candy? 267 00:09:57,563 --> 00:09:59,633 I sure do! 268 00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:01,268 Great! 269 00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:02,601 My nana made way too much! 270 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,211 Why can't you admit you were wrong? 271 00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:14,648 I was nice, and now he's fixing our apartment. 272 00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:16,416 I'm working up an appetite in there. 273 00:10:16,448 --> 00:10:18,618 Boy, I hope you don't mind 274 00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,519 the smell of a real man in your room. 275 00:10:20,552 --> 00:10:23,289 Let me know when you want to get started on that bed. 276 00:10:23,322 --> 00:10:24,892 Okay. 277 00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:28,628 He's turning my mattress. 278 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,163 Yeah. 279 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:41,341 This is so wonderful. 280 00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:44,812 Oh, come on. 281 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,114 Don't you ever wear jeans? Honestly, you look like 282 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,581 you should be distracting James Bond at a baccarat table. 283 00:10:49,615 --> 00:10:50,984 No, I'm actually gonna go meet Kyle. 284 00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:53,120 Jess loaned me her seasickness bracelets. 285 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,722 Going to a party on Greg Kinnear's boat. 286 00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:57,990 You're going to a party on Neptune's Folly? 287 00:10:58,024 --> 00:11:00,059 Yeah, relax. He's not going to be there. 288 00:11:00,092 --> 00:11:02,062 I know, he's in Rio till the 16th. 289 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,663 Cece, 290 00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:05,765 can I talk to you, as a... 291 00:11:05,798 --> 00:11:07,735 as a woman? 292 00:11:09,568 --> 00:11:11,871 All right, Schmidt. Okay. 293 00:11:11,904 --> 00:11:14,741 My boss and I, we're running a Pre-Sex Marathon right now, 294 00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:17,309 and I feel like we're stuck in mile 25. 295 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,912 I'm cramping, Cece, my toenails are falling off, 296 00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,880 I'm peeing down my leg, it's like I can see 297 00:11:20,913 --> 00:11:22,649 the finish line, but I just can't get there. 298 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,451 I need to put one of these on right now. 299 00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,052 The problem is is we don't talk. 300 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:28,654 I don't know what she's thinking. 301 00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:30,724 Should I make a move or not? 302 00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:32,759 Stop asking permission and go get it. 303 00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,427 That's what I would want. 304 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:38,831 There's nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you. 305 00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:40,100 Nothing? I mean, what if 306 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,168 I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? 307 00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:44,871 What if I called my mom after sex to describe it to her? 308 00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:46,273 What if I had a croissant blog? 309 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:47,440 Two of these now. 310 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:48,841 (laughing) 311 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,277 Hey, Bob Ross, how's painting going? 312 00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:52,111 Going absolutely fantastic, Schmidt, 313 00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:54,447 because everything is easy... 314 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:58,485 "when you are a battleship, invading the Bay of Success." 315 00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:00,052 What? I have here 316 00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:02,889 Schmidt's New Year's resolutions from 2007. 317 00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:04,825 Oh, please, read on. NICK: Read my favorite one. 318 00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:06,293 "Stop pursuing Caroline. 319 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,794 "She's Nick's girl. 320 00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:09,261 Deal with it." Deal with it. CECE: Wow! 321 00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:10,730 She's my girl. Okay, where'd you find that? 322 00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,032 Do not ever stop reading this. 323 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,301 I was very young. And drunk. 324 00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:17,203 Were you too drunk to "begin the search for the cocoon... Cocoon. 325 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:19,840 ...that will one day release your butterfly"? 326 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,508 No, it does not say that one! 327 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:22,975 That's number three. Come on! 328 00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:25,011 Why are you doing this to me? Maybe I just got 329 00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:27,947 bored painting over your interplanetary ass dojo. 330 00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:29,048 This is my favorite. 331 00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:31,018 "Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, 332 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:32,919 and then steal it." Oh! 333 00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:35,288 Steal his...! You were gonna steal my sparkle? 334 00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:36,655 Give me that. 335 00:12:36,688 --> 00:12:38,024 The funniest thing just happened. 336 00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:39,192 I was watching Remy fix 337 00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:41,894 the sink, and I got totally soaked. 338 00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,263 You were so wet! 339 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,530 Man overboard! 340 00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:45,899 So I invited Remy over 341 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,835 for dinner to thank him for all the stuff 342 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,302 he's been doing around the apartment. Who's in? 343 00:12:49,336 --> 00:12:51,971 I gotta... I... I got a boat, so... 344 00:12:52,004 --> 00:12:55,741 So, I guess it'll just be me and Jess. 345 00:12:55,774 --> 00:12:58,278 Oh, no, Remy. 346 00:12:58,311 --> 00:12:59,879 I changed my mind; I'll be there. 347 00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:02,381 Just watching you. 348 00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:08,989 Remy brought a bottle of... 349 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,557 this? 350 00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,625 I ferment things in the basement. 351 00:13:13,659 --> 00:13:15,327 I also make cheese. 352 00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:16,830 Hm, you're not drinking that, Jess. 353 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,498 Yes, I am, Remy made it. 354 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,101 Ahhh. 355 00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:24,270 Think you can handle some, Nick? Oh, I'm okay. 356 00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,705 Somebody needs to stay sober to fight you later. 357 00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:28,008 Nick, be nice; how hard could it be 358 00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:29,542 to just open yourself up a little bit? 359 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:30,710 Dip your toe 360 00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,245 in the pool of possibilities. 361 00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:34,713 Yeah, Nick. Dip your toe. 362 00:13:34,746 --> 00:13:36,749 You guys have a lot in common. 363 00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,585 Nick went through a break-up last year 364 00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,719 that was really hard on him. 365 00:13:39,751 --> 00:13:40,988 Schmidt said your mom had to fly out. 366 00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:42,522 That was a scheduled trip. 367 00:13:42,554 --> 00:13:46,225 Did you smell your girl on your sheets for months 368 00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,693 until they were too soaked through 369 00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:49,495 with your own sweat and tears? 370 00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:51,463 No. Did you punch out 371 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,801 all the windows until you hit the wall and broke your hand? 372 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,437 Did you go out, looking for companionship, 373 00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,072 a little human warmth, 374 00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:02,174 only to come to in the woods covered in animal blood? 375 00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,913 In my own way. Come here, man. 376 00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:11,250 (sighing, panting) 377 00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:12,919 It's gonna be okay. Yeah. 378 00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:18,958 Well, I guess I'll just go home and open a bottle of wine. 379 00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:23,330 Yeah, I'll probably just do the same. 380 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:29,802 (murmurs) 381 00:14:29,836 --> 00:14:31,638 (beeps) 382 00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,394 (car alarm blaring) 383 00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,932 I want you. Now. 384 00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:01,268 Finally. 385 00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:11,910 (tires screech) 386 00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:14,614 No, no, no, no, she wanted me to! Oh, dip! 387 00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,883 No, no! Stop! Stop hitting him! She wanted me to! Consensual, guys! 388 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,384 Tap out, ow, tap out! 389 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,918 (laughter) 390 00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:22,422 Oh, man, tonight is just... 391 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:27,326 I-I honestly didn't know if I'd ever enjoy myself again. 392 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,197 So... thanks. 393 00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,932 Bathroom break. (clears throat) 394 00:15:34,466 --> 00:15:36,436 See? I was right. 395 00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,238 What do you mean, you're right? You're wrong. 396 00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,974 You see the way he's buttering me up so he can move in on you? 397 00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:42,975 Why can't you just admit that you were wrong? 398 00:15:43,009 --> 00:15:44,576 How have you lived this long on your own? 399 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,712 There is no part of that man that wants to sleep with me. 400 00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:49,081 He's been creeping on you all night. No, he hasn't been. 401 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,450 Open your eyes, like, I'm worried... No! 402 00:15:52,985 --> 00:15:55,288 Oh... 403 00:15:56,588 --> 00:15:59,826 Hey, Remy, what happened to your pants? 404 00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:01,461 I've never done a threesome. 405 00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:04,563 That's what we're doing here, right? 406 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,436 This I did not expect. 407 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,441 I love watching you be wrong, Jess. 408 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,243 I might've been a little bit off about Remy, 409 00:16:16,275 --> 00:16:19,211 but people are generally good, and I'm not wrong about that. 410 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,513 Jess, people are jerks. 411 00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:22,215 He is hurting from his divorce... 412 00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:24,517 Are you still making excuses for this guy? 413 00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,586 Well, look, if you feel so bad, then just get in there. 414 00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:29,456 Just dip your toe into the pool of possibility. 415 00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:33,125 Hey, Remy, let's get weird and toss 416 00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:34,994 that ball around, huh? 417 00:16:36,528 --> 00:16:38,030 So turned on. Okay, you would 418 00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:40,033 seriously have a threesome with that man 419 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,467 just to get me to admit that I'm wrong? 420 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,135 I think we could do a lot worse than Remy. 421 00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:44,471 He's got strong arms. 422 00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:52,611 Let's have a threesome. 423 00:16:57,649 --> 00:16:59,519 Ugh... 424 00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:05,057 All right, so, a menage a trois is about 425 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:07,727 three of us... trois... Sure. 426 00:17:07,759 --> 00:17:09,061 ...menage-ing fully. 427 00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:10,163 Oui. Okay. 428 00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:13,165 This is happening with this guy. 429 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,134 This is happening right now, Jess. 430 00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:16,435 Yeah. So, it's gonna get 431 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,270 even a little more uncomfortable. 432 00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:20,307 We just have to keep talking with each other, all right? 433 00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:22,142 Around and communicating. 434 00:17:22,174 --> 00:17:23,542 Let's get some relax music going. 435 00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,478 Great idea, great idea. Okay? All right. 436 00:17:25,511 --> 00:17:27,614 Thank you. Why can't you just admit that he's a good guy? 437 00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:29,981 We are about to have a menage a trois 'cause you won't admit 438 00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:31,451 you're wrong. You're out of your mind. I'm just saying he's a good guy. 439 00:17:31,483 --> 00:17:35,154 * Yeah, get into it. 440 00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,722 I am so into this. 441 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,525 I can't wait till we're all menage-ing. 442 00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:40,692 Are you into this, Jess? Yeah. 443 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,795 Say you're wrong. No, turn this up. It's great. 444 00:17:42,828 --> 00:17:44,896 Say it's over, and it's over. 445 00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,566 Don't get nervous, Nick. 446 00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:49,035 This is just a regular conversation we're having. 447 00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:50,369 Oh, yeah. Except I'm rubbing your back. 448 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,239 That's right. And then I'm going to start 449 00:17:52,271 --> 00:17:54,606 unbuttoning your pants, 450 00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,276 and then I'm gonna 451 00:17:56,308 --> 00:17:58,278 unbutton my shirt. 452 00:17:58,310 --> 00:18:00,579 I'm not gonna take my underpants off, though. 453 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,481 Not right away, I'm gonna keep my underpants on 454 00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:05,152 until I let you take my underpants off, Nick. 455 00:18:05,184 --> 00:18:06,986 Okay? Because you 456 00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:10,156 are gonna be the underpants captain tonight. Makes sense. 457 00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:11,857 Great choice, Remy. 458 00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:14,461 Nick will make a fantastic underpants captain. 459 00:18:14,493 --> 00:18:16,296 Let's bring it in. Okay. 460 00:18:16,328 --> 00:18:17,963 You two get us started. 461 00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,598 Me and Jess get it started? Yeah. 462 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:22,134 All right? Go ahead. Us two, getting it started. 463 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,702 You know what to do. 464 00:18:23,736 --> 00:18:24,936 Breathe into each other. 465 00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:26,071 Oh, yeah, Jess. I'm not here. 466 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,240 Relax into the menage. 467 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,041 Let's get this started, Nick. 468 00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:31,178 You doing this? Yes. Come together. 469 00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,479 Are you doing this? 'Cause I'm... Yes. 470 00:18:32,511 --> 00:18:33,579 I will do it. All right, okay. 471 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:34,913 We're gonna do it. Then let's do this. 472 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,115 Nick, I will do this. 473 00:18:36,148 --> 00:18:37,317 Say that you're wrong, and it's over. 474 00:18:37,349 --> 00:18:38,351 I'm not wrong. Jess, you can't do this. 475 00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:40,252 But I can. Okay. 476 00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:41,421 Let's do this, Nick. 477 00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:42,521 Let's do it, Jess. I can do it. 478 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:43,756 (muffled yell) No, okay! 479 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:45,525 Fine, I admit it, I'm wrong. 480 00:18:45,557 --> 00:18:47,626 Yes! Yes! 481 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:48,994 I'm sorry, Remy. 482 00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:50,396 REMY: What, we're not doing this? 483 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:51,998 No. NICK: We're not doing it. 484 00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:53,299 I get it, cold feet is just, you know, 485 00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:54,733 it's part of the journey, so... Whoa! 486 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,236 What is going on in here? 487 00:18:57,569 --> 00:18:59,872 All right, I am not ready for a four-way. 488 00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:02,275 That's, uh, I'm-I'm... 489 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,875 I'm out of this. 490 00:19:06,878 --> 00:19:09,215 To be honest, I'm kind of riding a weird ego high. 491 00:19:10,916 --> 00:19:13,553 Why didn't you tell me four people couldn't live in this apartment? 492 00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:16,756 If we're gonna do a shenanigan, I'm fine with doing shenanigans. 493 00:19:16,788 --> 00:19:17,990 I love shenanigans, 494 00:19:18,023 --> 00:19:19,291 as long as no one gets hurt. 495 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,260 (loud popping, Jess screams) 496 00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:22,828 Okay, just so we're clear, 497 00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:24,364 we're gonna have to live with this, right? 498 00:19:24,396 --> 00:19:26,499 Yep. Absolutely. 499 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,201 SCHMIDT: Hey, Kim? 500 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:30,636 Look, I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. 501 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,573 I hope you didn't get into too much trouble, I just... 502 00:19:33,605 --> 00:19:36,409 I really don't want to lose my job, okay? 503 00:19:36,442 --> 00:19:38,677 I've worked at Associated Strategies for six years. 504 00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:41,847 Nothing means more to me than Ass Strat. 505 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:43,182 Your lip is bleeding. 506 00:19:43,215 --> 00:19:44,851 It opens back up when I talk. 507 00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:48,654 Look... Kim, this wasn't your standard 2:00 a.m. 508 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,856 mistaken assault in the parking garage. 509 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:53,092 I've had a thing for you every since I was 510 00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:54,626 the husky kid in the mailroom. 511 00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:57,163 And if... if you don't believe me... 512 00:19:57,195 --> 00:19:58,998 here you go. 513 00:19:59,030 --> 00:20:01,334 Straight from '07. Read resolution number four. 514 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,769 It's about you. 515 00:20:02,801 --> 00:20:07,406 "Only think about hot new C.F.O. every other time I masturbate." 516 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,675 I did not live up to the challenge. 517 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:13,179 Number seven: "Start floating idea that people call me 518 00:20:13,211 --> 00:20:15,682 "Mr. Finish/Game Time Jones/ 519 00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:18,518 The Hook-up-erator." Can I...? 520 00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:21,887 Number nine: "Just pick a color of Crocs and buy them already." 521 00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,221 Okay, thank you. 522 00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:25,892 Hey. 523 00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:30,596 Go into the conference room and dial me into the Tokyo call. 524 00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:32,398 Now. 525 00:20:34,666 --> 00:20:36,769 Yeah. 526 00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:38,871 * 527 00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,617 Pants! Pants! 528 00:21:05,030 --> 00:21:07,032 (sighs) 529 00:21:11,570 --> 00:21:15,942 (counting in Japanese) 530 00:21:15,974 --> 00:21:16,976 ...five, six... 531 00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:20,712 I dialed you into the Tokyo conference call. 532 00:21:20,747 --> 00:21:22,481 (clicks tongue) 533 00:21:22,515 --> 00:21:23,950 (confused murmuring) 534 00:21:23,982 --> 00:21:28,153 Yo... you look awesome. 535 00:21:28,186 --> 00:21:29,556 (elevator bell dings) 536 00:21:32,223 --> 00:21:34,059 My door is always open.