1 00:00:01,262 --> 00:00:04,264 Your sheets are so soft. 2 00:00:04,352 --> 00:00:06,570 They've actually been in my family for almost 40 years. 3 00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:09,009 Wow. If these old things could talk, huh? 4 00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:11,314 Ew. I was just trying to paint a picture. 5 00:00:11,401 --> 00:00:12,621 Read the room. 6 00:00:12,708 --> 00:00:14,535 [chuckling] Sheez. 7 00:00:14,622 --> 00:00:16,059 [shower running] 8 00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:17,843 Hey, Julia. Hey. 9 00:00:17,929 --> 00:00:20,324 It's so fun having another girl around here. 10 00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:22,065 [whispering]: There are tampons hidden all over the apartment. 11 00:00:22,152 --> 00:00:23,719 [shower stops] 12 00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:26,199 SCHMIDT: Ah! Damp towel! Damp! 13 00:00:26,286 --> 00:00:28,332 Here we go...It's like a really big Wet-Nap. 14 00:00:28,419 --> 00:00:32,380 Ah. I feel like I'm being licked by a golden retriever. 15 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,121 Look at this bathroom. 16 00:00:34,207 --> 00:00:36,210 There should not be two girls in this bathroom. 17 00:00:36,296 --> 00:00:38,212 You're too humid. You make everything damp. 18 00:00:38,298 --> 00:00:40,082 80% of the products in here are yours. 19 00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:42,042 Blah, blah, blah, yawn, yes. 20 00:00:42,128 --> 00:00:43,956 I use sculpting chutney. 21 00:00:44,043 --> 00:00:46,784 Once I'm done with my chutney, back in the row it goes. 22 00:00:46,871 --> 00:00:48,831 Hair everywhere...Yo. 23 00:00:48,917 --> 00:00:50,789 The multicolored rubber bands. 24 00:00:50,875 --> 00:00:52,965 I'm fine with it. It's all okay with me. 25 00:00:53,052 --> 00:00:55,185 But a damp towel is where I draw the line. 26 00:00:55,271 --> 00:00:57,579 Sorry, so what are your thoughts on damp towels? 27 00:00:57,665 --> 00:00:59,493 Oh, you'd better watch it, Nick's Overnight Guest. 28 00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:01,017 Julia. SCHMIDT: I know your name. 29 00:01:02,932 --> 00:01:05,804 Are you flexing, right now? No. 30 00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:07,893 NICK: Hey.Hey. So, I'm gonna just get ready in your room. 31 00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:09,286 Sure. Feeling a little weird and uncomfortable in here? 32 00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:11,375 JESS: Hey, Julia, I'll see you later tonight. 33 00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:12,984 Yeah. See you later. 34 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,117 She's helping me get out of a traffic ticket. 35 00:01:15,204 --> 00:01:17,293 Jess, are you seriously using the girl I'm sleeping with 36 00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:18,861 for free legal advice? 37 00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:21,081 Oh, I'm sorry, the girl you're sleeping with? 38 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,039 I mean, you can't call her your girlfriend? 39 00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:25,911 We're not labeling it.Oh, you're not labeling it, 40 00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:27,390 'cause you're too sophisticated. 41 00:01:27,478 --> 00:01:29,045 Don't do your "sophisticated guy." 42 00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:30,873 That's now how a sophisticated man dances. 43 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:31,917 How does a sophisticated man dance? 44 00:01:32,003 --> 00:01:34,746 ♪ I'm too sophisticated ♪ 45 00:01:34,832 --> 00:01:38,140 ♪ I don't believe in labeling. ♪ 46 00:01:38,228 --> 00:01:40,360 You gotta get laid, man.You gotta get laid, man. 47 00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:43,146 Yeah, I need to get laid.This is bad. Get out of here. 48 00:01:43,233 --> 00:01:45,582 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ Who's that girl?♪ 49 00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:47,194 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 50 00:01:47,281 --> 00:01:48,716 ♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. ♪ 51 00:01:49,978 --> 00:01:51,936 You know, maybe I should call Shelby. 52 00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:53,634 I haven't seen her since I got back from Latvia. 53 00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:55,376 We did have an amazing time together. 54 00:01:55,462 --> 00:01:58,466 Whoo! That was amazing. 55 00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:01,512 Yeah. All right, bye. 56 00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:02,817 I'm gonna call her. 57 00:02:02,905 --> 00:02:05,908 Yeah, over in Latvia 58 00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:08,389 they had this fermented milk stuff that they drink. 59 00:02:08,475 --> 00:02:11,695 Whole country runs on the stuff. Called [bleats]. 60 00:02:11,782 --> 00:02:14,437 [bleats] was definitely one of my biggest endorsements. 61 00:02:14,525 --> 00:02:15,961 I mean, I have a lot of endorsements, 62 00:02:16,048 --> 00:02:17,788 but that was probably my biggest endorsement 63 00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:20,227 amongst other endorsements that I had. Wow. 64 00:02:20,313 --> 00:02:22,445 So, um... your place or mine? 65 00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:24,099 [laughs] 66 00:02:24,187 --> 00:02:25,406 [laughs uncertainly] 67 00:02:25,492 --> 00:02:27,711 What are we laughing at? 68 00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:30,324 How much I'm not going home with you tonight. 69 00:02:30,411 --> 00:02:32,500 [laughing] 70 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:35,980 You show up after two years, out of the blue, 71 00:02:36,067 --> 00:02:38,026 and all you do is talk about yourself. 72 00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:40,508 You don't even let me get a word in edgewise. 73 00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:42,987 Why did you agree to let me take you out for drinks? 74 00:02:43,074 --> 00:02:45,338 Winston, you took me out for a drink 75 00:02:45,425 --> 00:02:47,688 at the place where I work! 76 00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:49,691 Here's your bill. 77 00:02:49,777 --> 00:02:51,997 Thanks for the water. 78 00:02:54,129 --> 00:02:56,653 Man, I told you to get yourself whatever you wanted. 79 00:02:56,740 --> 00:02:59,048 You chose water. 80 00:02:59,134 --> 00:03:00,876 JESS: Have a seat. 81 00:03:00,962 --> 00:03:02,312 Okay. 82 00:03:02,399 --> 00:03:04,793 Let me get you a blanket. 83 00:03:04,879 --> 00:03:06,968 Why would I want a blanket right now? 84 00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:09,276 Just to get toasty. Oh. 85 00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:14,542 Would you like a cookie, or a cupcake? I made them. 86 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,848 Oh, no. I'm okay. I'm not really a dessert person. 87 00:03:16,935 --> 00:03:19,068 I just don't eat it, usually. Okay. Okay. 88 00:03:19,155 --> 00:03:21,591 I'm just gonna put this, 89 00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:23,289 like, right here. 90 00:03:23,377 --> 00:03:25,509 I don't... okay. Just... 91 00:03:25,596 --> 00:03:26,858 Why don't you just take me through 92 00:03:26,944 --> 00:03:28,120 what happened with the ticket? 93 00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:29,295 Okay. They got a photo of you? 94 00:03:29,383 --> 00:03:30,818 ♪ At the scene of the crime ♪ 95 00:03:30,906 --> 00:03:31,993 ♪ Meh, meh, meh, meh. ♪ 96 00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:35,344 [laughs] Is this it? 97 00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:37,694 Yeah. Okay. 98 00:03:37,781 --> 00:03:41,176 Hmm. This may actually be kind of hard to argue with. 99 00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:43,265 Well, there's actually more there than meets the eye. 100 00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:45,312 Um, there was a bird-- he's not in the shot-- 101 00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:46,661 but he was injured, 102 00:03:46,747 --> 00:03:49,359 and he couldn't get out of the road, and so I braked, and then 103 00:03:49,445 --> 00:03:51,013 I had to accelerate out of the intersection. 104 00:03:51,099 --> 00:03:52,710 You missed your first court date on this. 105 00:03:52,796 --> 00:03:54,885 My ex-boyfriend failed to send it to me 106 00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:56,539 before the court date, 107 00:03:56,627 --> 00:03:58,281 because he doesn't believe in mail, 108 00:03:58,367 --> 00:04:00,151 which has to do with his thoughts on government spending. 109 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,198 Now it's an $800 fine. 110 00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:04,679 That's why I need, like, a really awesome lawyer, like you. 111 00:04:04,765 --> 00:04:07,638 So... can you help me? 112 00:04:07,724 --> 00:04:10,118 I mean, I can try. You never know. 113 00:04:10,205 --> 00:04:12,252 A judge might buy into this whole thing, so... 114 00:04:12,338 --> 00:04:14,688 What "whole thing"? 115 00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:16,298 Your whole thing. 116 00:04:16,386 --> 00:04:19,475 With the cupcakes, and the braking for birds, 117 00:04:19,562 --> 00:04:22,218 and... bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning. 118 00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:24,132 Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing. 119 00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,701 It's a great thing. I mean, the big, 120 00:04:26,788 --> 00:04:29,093 beautiful eyes, like a scared baby. 121 00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:31,531 I'm sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff. 122 00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:35,884 Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral vision's, like, almost too good. 123 00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,538 [laughs] 124 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,802 Hey, so... 125 00:04:40,889 --> 00:04:42,629 living here, it's probably fun, right? 126 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,326 Yeah. There are, like, lots of girls 127 00:04:44,413 --> 00:04:45,762 coming in and out of this place? 128 00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:48,461 Schmidt's like Ellis Island in the 1800s. 129 00:04:48,548 --> 00:04:49,810 He accepts everyone. 130 00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:52,814 Yeah, and... Winston and Nick... 131 00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:55,598 I probably shouldn't... 132 00:04:55,685 --> 00:04:57,906 Oh, yeah. Well, you don't have to...Plead the Fifth! 133 00:04:57,992 --> 00:05:00,038 No, that's not what...Objection! 134 00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:02,519 Nick, hey! Hey, Julia! 135 00:05:02,605 --> 00:05:03,824 You want to hang out in your room? Sure. 136 00:05:03,911 --> 00:05:05,478 Jess, if you'll excuse us, 137 00:05:05,565 --> 00:05:07,785 Julie's about to be very disappointed. 138 00:05:07,872 --> 00:05:10,221 Okay, so I will look at this stuff some more, 139 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,399 I-I'll call some people, see what I can do. 140 00:05:12,485 --> 00:05:14,139 Here's your blankie back. 141 00:05:17,795 --> 00:05:19,754 Power blazer. Hey. Ha ha. 142 00:05:21,843 --> 00:05:23,235 What's going on with the ticket? 143 00:05:25,976 --> 00:05:27,718 She has a problem with me, Nick. 144 00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:29,980 Okay? She doesn't like me.What are you talking about? 145 00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:31,591 You don't understand, 'cause you're a guy. 146 00:05:31,678 --> 00:05:34,028 She does not have a problem with you. She's just... 147 00:05:34,115 --> 00:05:36,336 Nick, your girlfriend's not a dessert person. 148 00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:40,687 Hmm. 149 00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:45,997 She said you have "a whole thing"? 150 00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:47,521 I'm sorry, she doesn't like desserts? 151 00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,173 Where is she right now? 152 00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,307 Look, I think I know what she meant. 153 00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:52,961 I mean, you do like girly stuff. 154 00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:55,398 I mean, it kind of freaked me out at first. 155 00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:58,226 When I met you, you were wearing a hat made of ribbons. 156 00:05:58,314 --> 00:06:00,708 My ribbon hat. I love that hat. 157 00:06:00,795 --> 00:06:02,971 Screw her. And I'm gonna wear that ribbon hat. 158 00:06:03,057 --> 00:06:04,189 Go get it, right now. 159 00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:05,930 Be right back. 160 00:06:06,016 --> 00:06:07,975 Whoa. There she is. 161 00:06:08,062 --> 00:06:09,978 Nick, where is this bitch? 162 00:06:10,064 --> 00:06:12,240 Gonna smack that lawyer learning right out of her mouth. 163 00:06:12,327 --> 00:06:13,589 Okay, this is getting excessive, guys. 164 00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:15,678 She's actually helping her get out of a ticket. 165 00:06:15,766 --> 00:06:18,202 By being condescending and judgmental? 166 00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:19,639 What did she say? 167 00:06:19,726 --> 00:06:22,163 JESS: Ugh, just drop it, Nick. 168 00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:23,904 Okay, what did Julia do wrong? 169 00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:25,341 It's just how girls fight sometimes. 170 00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:26,646 There's a lot unsaid. 171 00:06:26,733 --> 00:06:28,082 Like one time, a girl said to me, 172 00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:29,300 "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots." 173 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,042 Ooh. How did she say it? 174 00:06:31,129 --> 00:06:33,130 "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots." 175 00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:35,220 That is diabolical.I'm really sorry. 176 00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:36,439 And it ruined our friendship. 177 00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:38,615 I mean, I couldn't get over the polka dot incident. 178 00:06:38,701 --> 00:06:39,834 Warning! Spoiler alert. 179 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,401 Somebody unplugged my dehumidifier 180 00:06:41,487 --> 00:06:43,098 to plug in their flatiron. 181 00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:45,622 I will be putting my dehumidifier, and my towel, 182 00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:48,495 in my room, where nothing ever gets wet. 183 00:06:48,581 --> 00:06:51,235 All right, you know what, Jess? Julia's one of those girls 184 00:06:51,322 --> 00:06:53,281 where she doesn't have, like, a lot of girl friends. 185 00:06:53,369 --> 00:06:55,893 Because she thinks like a guy. She doesn't play mind games. 186 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,069 So blind! Look, all I know 187 00:06:58,156 --> 00:06:59,941 is she's totally up front with me. 188 00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:02,204 No subtext, no codes. 189 00:07:02,290 --> 00:07:04,511 Oh. Okay. So did she come right out and ask you 190 00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:05,860 if you were seeing other girls? 191 00:07:05,947 --> 00:07:07,687 Because... she asked me. 192 00:07:10,778 --> 00:07:13,867 She did? You didn't know that? 193 00:07:13,954 --> 00:07:16,391 'Cause I thought you guys were so up front with one another. 194 00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:18,699 I thought you guys told each other everything. CECE: Yeah. 195 00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:21,048 She told him she didn't want to label it. 196 00:07:21,136 --> 00:07:22,180 Oh. I mean, that's a classic move, 197 00:07:22,266 --> 00:07:23,747 even in the lesbian community. 198 00:07:26,706 --> 00:07:29,492 [clears throat] 199 00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:31,189 What are we talking about? 200 00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:33,060 Did you just hear the phrase "lesbian community" 201 00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:33,930 and come running out of your room? 202 00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:35,846 I did. Uh... 203 00:07:35,932 --> 00:07:37,194 question, for you. 204 00:07:37,281 --> 00:07:39,153 This community you speak of, 205 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,112 do the ladies look, uh... 206 00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:44,637 more like this one or, you know... 207 00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:46,814 kind of Nickish?Aw, shut up, Schmidt. 208 00:07:46,901 --> 00:07:48,771 I did date a woman who looked a lot like Nick. 209 00:07:48,858 --> 00:07:51,122 You did. Felicia. 210 00:07:53,081 --> 00:07:54,648 Why can't you just admit that she's your girlfriend? 211 00:07:54,735 --> 00:07:56,475 I know, I just thought 212 00:07:56,562 --> 00:07:58,651 it was uncomplicated, and now I'm freaking out. 213 00:07:58,738 --> 00:08:00,523 I'm not good at being a boyfriend. 214 00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:02,437 I'm good at being that guy that you find yourself 215 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:03,699 spending more and more time with 216 00:08:03,786 --> 00:08:05,485 until you meet your husband. 217 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:08,617 All right. So, so far, Nick Miller's list of fears is 218 00:08:08,704 --> 00:08:12,360 sharks, tap water, real relationships. 219 00:08:12,447 --> 00:08:13,754 And blueberries. SCHMIDT: Barkeep. 220 00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:15,319 Get this man a drink. 221 00:08:15,406 --> 00:08:17,845 Ladies, he hasn't had sex in four months. 222 00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:18,889 Come and get it, ladies. 223 00:08:18,975 --> 00:08:21,370 I seriously hate you, Schmidt. Why? 224 00:08:21,456 --> 00:08:24,024 It didn't go well with Shelby?I gotta say, I thought it would be easy. 225 00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:25,853 You know? Maybe... 226 00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,985 maybe I don't have game. Maybe I never had game. 227 00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:29,856 Maybe it's always been about basketball. 228 00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:31,423 Yeah, you don't have any game. 229 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,120 It's always been because you play basketball. 230 00:08:33,207 --> 00:08:34,774 Are you seriously just realizing that you don't have game? 231 00:08:34,861 --> 00:08:37,211 What is your secret, man? How do normal guys get girls? 232 00:08:37,298 --> 00:08:40,040 Let's not say "normal." Just, you know, say what it is-- "average." 233 00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:41,738 WINSTON: You've had the most game, out of any of us. 234 00:08:41,825 --> 00:08:43,304 Because for years now, 235 00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:45,088 you've been working with absolutely nothing. 236 00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:46,307 He makes a good point. Okay. 237 00:08:46,394 --> 00:08:48,091 I've been working with nothing.Zilch. 238 00:08:48,178 --> 00:08:49,179 You're right, I've got nothing. 239 00:08:49,267 --> 00:08:51,530 Except this. 240 00:08:54,663 --> 00:08:57,274 Ow. 241 00:08:57,361 --> 00:08:58,711 [glass shatters]Oh, my God. 242 00:08:58,798 --> 00:09:00,539 MANAGER: Miller! No Cocktail! 243 00:09:00,626 --> 00:09:01,889 Sorry, Julio. 244 00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:04,673 Julia! Hey, Julia! 245 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:05,980 Hey. 246 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,416 Ooh. You guys are using names? 247 00:09:07,503 --> 00:09:08,764 That's not too labelly for you? 248 00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:12,028 Hey. Hey. Hey, hey, Jules. 249 00:09:12,115 --> 00:09:13,509 Hey. 250 00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:15,466 Thought I'd drop by and say hello. 251 00:09:15,554 --> 00:09:17,164 Oh, I didn't know we were doing drop bys. 252 00:09:17,251 --> 00:09:18,905 Uh... 253 00:09:18,993 --> 00:09:21,168 Here's a scenario that's paid sexual dividends, 254 00:09:21,255 --> 00:09:22,822 particularly in the Asian markets, 255 00:09:22,909 --> 00:09:25,739 and I think, Jess, you can back me up on this. 256 00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:27,304 Inform her that you're an aerialist 257 00:09:27,392 --> 00:09:28,610 for the Cirque du Soleil. 258 00:09:28,697 --> 00:09:30,307 Winston, just ask questions, 259 00:09:30,394 --> 00:09:31,961 pay attention to her, listen to her, 260 00:09:32,048 --> 00:09:33,876 don't listen to him. 261 00:09:33,963 --> 00:09:35,749 Oh, believe me, I don't take advice from Schmidt. 262 00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:37,533 Never have, never will. Ever. 263 00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:39,665 So Jess told me what 264 00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:42,929 you asked her yesterday. What? 265 00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:45,149 That you asked if I was sleeping with other people. 266 00:09:45,235 --> 00:09:48,979 That is not even... I... what? 267 00:09:49,066 --> 00:09:51,460 I don't want to play games.That's not what happened, okay? 268 00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:53,722 I just said something to her, because I was feeling 269 00:09:53,809 --> 00:09:55,245 kind of guilty, because I'm, uh.... 270 00:09:55,332 --> 00:09:57,292 I'm dating other people, and I just, you know... 271 00:09:57,379 --> 00:09:59,860 wanted to see if you were also dating other people. 272 00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:00,860 You're dating other people?Yeah, yeah. 273 00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:04,821 No. No, I'm seeing other people, too. 274 00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:07,606 Good. Good. 275 00:10:07,693 --> 00:10:09,696 I'm having sex all the time. I'm like a mailman. 276 00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:12,654 Except instead of mail, it's hot sex that I deliver. 277 00:10:12,741 --> 00:10:14,614 I've had to start carrying, like, 278 00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,572 athletic shoes in my purse, 279 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:19,619 'cause I have to sprint from one sexual encounter to another. 280 00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:20,967 Can't wear heels. 281 00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,100 Well, I'm having sex right now. 282 00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:24,580 Under the bar. 283 00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:26,015 And she's on top. 284 00:10:26,102 --> 00:10:27,451 So figure that out. 285 00:10:27,538 --> 00:10:29,062 [dramatically moans] 286 00:10:29,149 --> 00:10:31,195 Was that her? Yeah. 287 00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:32,980 Well, great. Great. 288 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,241 Then we're both doing the exact same thing. 289 00:10:34,328 --> 00:10:35,243 And we're on the same page. 290 00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:36,765 Kudos for not putting labels on things. 291 00:10:36,852 --> 00:10:38,549 That is exactly what I want.It's my dream. 292 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,290 Just going to go to the bathroom really quickly.Okay. 293 00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:41,815 Great. 294 00:10:41,902 --> 00:10:43,730 [sighs] 295 00:10:51,432 --> 00:10:53,347 Hey. Julia? 296 00:10:53,434 --> 00:10:54,740 Are you serious? 297 00:10:54,827 --> 00:10:56,611 Did Nick say some stuff to you? 298 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,614 Because I'm really sorry, and I want to explain... 299 00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,094 Why would you tell him that I said that? 300 00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:01,399 Do you know what that makes me look like? 301 00:11:01,485 --> 00:11:03,009 Um... 302 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,184 I see what you're doing. 303 00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:05,533 I know that I'm 304 00:11:05,620 --> 00:11:06,840 the mean lawyer girl 305 00:11:06,927 --> 00:11:09,232 who wears suits and works too much 306 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,322 and you... you're the really fun teacher girl 307 00:11:12,409 --> 00:11:15,892 with all the colorful skirts and you bake things. 308 00:11:15,979 --> 00:11:18,024 And eventually, Nick is gonna come running to you 309 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,288 and you'll tuck him in under his blankie and... 310 00:11:20,375 --> 00:11:21,898 What is it with you and the blankie thing? 311 00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:23,639 I never said the word blankie. 312 00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:26,163 I don't talk like Teddy Ruxpin. 313 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:28,687 If I acted the way that you act when I was at work, 314 00:11:28,774 --> 00:11:29,950 nobody would listen to me. 315 00:11:30,037 --> 00:11:31,821 Well, if I acted like you at work, 316 00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,301 my students would turn in 317 00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:36,216 really weird, dark dioramas, so... 318 00:11:36,303 --> 00:11:38,000 I don't like you. 319 00:11:38,087 --> 00:11:40,134 And I don't want to be your friend, so... 320 00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:41,788 Fine. Can you leave, please? 321 00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:44,094 Because... [sighs] 322 00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:46,662 I am about to start crying, 323 00:11:46,749 --> 00:11:48,054 and you are the last person 324 00:11:48,142 --> 00:11:50,491 that I want to cry in front of. 325 00:11:50,578 --> 00:11:52,624 I want to cry, too, and... 326 00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:54,408 where am I supposed to cry? 327 00:11:54,495 --> 00:11:57,063 You can't monopolize the bathroom crying space. 328 00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,326 Please go. 329 00:12:04,898 --> 00:12:06,812 What are you doing, Jess? 330 00:12:06,899 --> 00:12:08,683 Get out! I'm sorry. 331 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,297 [whimpering] 332 00:12:18,128 --> 00:12:20,086 Winston, what are you doing?Ba, ba, ba, ba, 333 00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:21,174 ba, ba. 334 00:12:21,261 --> 00:12:23,960 I have come here to listen to you. 335 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,440 Should I have interrupted you to tell you that? 336 00:12:25,527 --> 00:12:27,311 Probably not. 337 00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:28,878 So how... how are you? 338 00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:31,359 Tell me about your life, and how is everything? 339 00:12:31,446 --> 00:12:33,796 Winston, what am I supposed to do? 340 00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:36,232 I was a booty call for two years, 341 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,408 and then I was nothing for two years. 342 00:12:38,495 --> 00:12:40,846 You show up bragging after all this time 343 00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:42,022 like nothing has changed. 344 00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:43,197 What do you want me to think? 345 00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:46,155 That I'm an idiot. 346 00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:47,591 And you know what? 347 00:12:47,678 --> 00:12:50,334 You're right, and I'm sorry. 348 00:12:50,421 --> 00:12:53,163 It's just that since I've stopped playing ball, 349 00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:55,904 I realize I'm not that good at this. 350 00:12:55,991 --> 00:12:57,951 And, quite frankly, you are way out of my league. 351 00:12:58,038 --> 00:12:59,691 That is clear now. 352 00:12:59,778 --> 00:13:03,913 But... I do hope this is not the last time I see you, 353 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,960 but whatever you want, I'm cool with. 354 00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:09,527 I got to get back to work. 355 00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:10,658 Yeah. 356 00:13:10,745 --> 00:13:13,009 Yeah, I'll help you. 357 00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:15,184 See? 358 00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:17,187 I'm the manager. 359 00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:18,405 Oh, you're the manager?Yeah. 360 00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:21,538 Wow, that's amazing.It's okay. 361 00:13:21,625 --> 00:13:24,063 JUDGE: Case 73. Mr. Sandoval. 362 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:28,110 I see you have dressed for the occasion. 363 00:13:28,197 --> 00:13:30,244 Oh. Hi. 364 00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:31,592 You didn't have to come. 365 00:13:31,679 --> 00:13:32,768 I'm sure you're very busy. 366 00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:34,073 I said that I would be here, 367 00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:36,119 so I'm here. Don't worry. 368 00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:37,686 I think I can handle it.Let's just 369 00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:39,296 get this over with so we can get out of here. 370 00:13:43,386 --> 00:13:45,040 [high-pitched]: Your Honor. 371 00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:47,260 [clears throat] 372 00:13:47,347 --> 00:13:49,044 [huskily]: Your Honor. 373 00:13:49,131 --> 00:13:50,654 Your Honor. 374 00:13:50,741 --> 00:13:52,221 These are the facts, Your Honor. 375 00:13:52,308 --> 00:13:54,006 ♪ Your Honor. ♪ 376 00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:57,619 Case 74-- Jessica Day. 377 00:13:57,706 --> 00:14:00,360 Yes, sir. Yes, I'm present, sir.Okay, listen. 378 00:14:00,447 --> 00:14:02,014 You just have to enter the plea yourself, 379 00:14:02,101 --> 00:14:03,320 all right, and then I'll do the rest. 380 00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:04,844 Okay, okay. I got it, all right? 381 00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,583 So you know, all you have to do is say...I got it! Thank you. 382 00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:08,020 Okay. Okay.How do you plead? 383 00:14:08,107 --> 00:14:09,630 Guilty. What?Great. Pay your fine upstairs. 384 00:14:11,414 --> 00:14:14,461 Well, I guess we're never going to know 385 00:14:14,548 --> 00:14:15,898 if the bird defense works. 386 00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:17,291 Such a bummer, too. 387 00:14:17,378 --> 00:14:19,119 We have this pool at my office. 388 00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:19,989 Okay. Hey! 389 00:14:21,424 --> 00:14:23,471 I got something to say to you, man. 390 00:14:23,557 --> 00:14:24,864 What? 391 00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:26,212 I brake for birds. 392 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:28,389 I rock a lot of polka dots. 393 00:14:28,475 --> 00:14:32,306 I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. 394 00:14:32,393 --> 00:14:35,264 I spend my entire day talking to children. 395 00:14:35,351 --> 00:14:38,485 And I find it fundamentally strange 396 00:14:38,572 --> 00:14:40,575 that you're not a dessert person. 397 00:14:40,662 --> 00:14:42,663 That's just weird, and it freaks me out. 398 00:14:42,750 --> 00:14:44,578 And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown. 399 00:14:44,665 --> 00:14:46,275 And I hate your pantsuit. 400 00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,712 I wish it had ribbons on it or something 401 00:14:48,799 --> 00:14:50,149 to make it just slightly cuter. 402 00:14:50,236 --> 00:14:52,282 And that doesn't mean I'm not smart 403 00:14:52,369 --> 00:14:54,023 and tough and strong. 404 00:14:55,154 --> 00:14:56,024 Okay. 405 00:14:56,111 --> 00:14:57,461 And I know you like Nick, 406 00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,681 and I'm not trying to interfere, 407 00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,596 but you should just talk to him about it. 408 00:15:01,682 --> 00:15:03,727 Are you done? 409 00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:05,469 I am almost done. 410 00:15:05,556 --> 00:15:09,734 I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine, 411 00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:13,216 and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch. 412 00:15:14,696 --> 00:15:16,393 That's the wrong way. 413 00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:26,794 You moved. 414 00:15:26,881 --> 00:15:28,014 You remember my old place? 415 00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:29,493 The place in the hood? 416 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:30,885 [laughing]: No. 417 00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:32,932 It was hood-adjacent.Whatever. 418 00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:34,062 [both laughing] 419 00:15:34,149 --> 00:15:37,631 [sighs] So, um... so this was nice. 420 00:15:37,719 --> 00:15:38,720 Yeah, it was. 421 00:15:41,201 --> 00:15:42,505 You want to know what I want to do now? 422 00:15:42,592 --> 00:15:44,072 What? 423 00:15:44,159 --> 00:15:46,206 Take you on a real date. 424 00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:49,034 Why don't you call me? 425 00:15:50,253 --> 00:15:52,168 Good night, Winston. 426 00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:57,043 [grunts] 427 00:15:57,129 --> 00:15:58,870 [high-pitched grunting] 428 00:16:01,873 --> 00:16:03,352 Winston, what's happening?Huh? 429 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:04,788 Yeah, good night. 430 00:16:04,875 --> 00:16:06,529 What is wrong with you, man? You got no game. 431 00:16:06,616 --> 00:16:07,966 That was so stupid. 432 00:16:08,053 --> 00:16:09,750 [shower shuts off] 433 00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:13,232 [sighs] 434 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,975 Hey! Anyone! 435 00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:17,932 My towel! 436 00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:20,196 Can someone please get my towel? 437 00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:23,024 It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape. 438 00:16:23,111 --> 00:16:24,984 The... the bigger towel. 439 00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:27,333 Not... do not touch the small one. 440 00:16:27,421 --> 00:16:29,118 SCHMIDT: Okay, I left my towel in my room. 441 00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:31,293 Nobody look. 442 00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:32,469 [snickering]Nobody look, yo. 443 00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:34,254 We don't want to. Nobody look. 444 00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:35,995 Seriously, no... no one's looking? 445 00:16:36,081 --> 00:16:38,519 All right, forget it. 446 00:16:38,605 --> 00:16:41,652 Aah! Damn it!See, he's a natural blond. 447 00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,350 What shape is that supposed to be shaved into? 448 00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,701 Think he's trying to force perspective. 449 00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,702 [chuckles] Very funny. I got to get something off my chest. 450 00:16:48,789 --> 00:16:51,139 [women groaning]No, Schmidt, there is an apron 451 00:16:51,226 --> 00:16:53,316 right over there-- go cover yourself. 452 00:16:53,403 --> 00:16:55,623 You are Jewish.You're making me gayer. 453 00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:57,625 Are you going to go on, like, a big wet towel rant? 454 00:16:57,711 --> 00:16:59,148 No. This is now a sex rant. 455 00:16:59,235 --> 00:17:00,583 To wit, 456 00:17:00,671 --> 00:17:02,238 six months ago, I thought 457 00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:04,587 getting a girl roommate would mean sex all the time-- 458 00:17:04,674 --> 00:17:07,461 definitely with her friends and probably with her. 459 00:17:07,548 --> 00:17:08,635 Are there women here? 460 00:17:08,722 --> 00:17:10,115 Yeah, sure, more than ever. 461 00:17:10,202 --> 00:17:12,553 But you-- not going to happen. 462 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,729 You, I will never give up. 463 00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:17,036 And you... well, you sample from the gumbo pot. 464 00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:19,167 [laughs] I am in a damp bathroom 465 00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:22,866 full of naked women every day, and I hate it. 466 00:17:22,953 --> 00:17:25,218 It's like a nightmare. I'm in a... 467 00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:28,176 watermelon-themed apron with a... 468 00:17:29,787 --> 00:17:31,441 A tampon? 469 00:17:31,528 --> 00:17:34,401 Why would you need this for cooking? 470 00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:36,316 JESS: I just had an idea. 471 00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:38,404 Why don't we hang our towels on towel bars 472 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:40,232 instead of hooks, and that'll make them dryer? 473 00:17:40,319 --> 00:17:42,104 That is the... 474 00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:45,759 that is... that is a great idea. 475 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,197 Quick question for you. 476 00:17:48,284 --> 00:17:51,243 As a lesbian gynecologist, 477 00:17:51,330 --> 00:17:54,160 perhaps, one of these days, the two of us 478 00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:56,336 could sit down and talk about OSI. 479 00:17:56,423 --> 00:17:58,642 What is OSI?Our shared interest. 480 00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:00,601 Schmidt, clothe yourself!All right, all right. 481 00:18:00,688 --> 00:18:01,776 It was just a suggestion. 482 00:18:01,863 --> 00:18:02,864 [knock on door] 483 00:18:04,518 --> 00:18:06,040 Oh. 484 00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:08,217 Hey. Hi. 485 00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:09,871 Nick's not here. 486 00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:11,307 That's okay. 487 00:18:11,394 --> 00:18:14,309 Uh, because I came here to... 488 00:18:14,396 --> 00:18:16,007 well, I kind of came 489 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:19,184 because I-I thought it would be good if you and I... 490 00:18:19,271 --> 00:18:20,750 CECE: Hey, Jess, my hands are actually stuck 491 00:18:20,837 --> 00:18:22,752 in the yarn because... JULIA: Oh. 492 00:18:22,839 --> 00:18:25,016 I didn't realize that you had people over. Sorry. 493 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:28,193 No, it's just... crochet time. 494 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,020 Yeah. 495 00:18:30,108 --> 00:18:31,458 Nick's not here right now. No, I know. 496 00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:33,676 Thanks. 497 00:18:33,763 --> 00:18:36,375 I'll just come back later. 498 00:18:36,462 --> 00:18:38,595 Hey, Julia? 499 00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:39,727 Do you want to crochet with us? 500 00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:45,776 I mean, growing up was brutal. 501 00:18:45,863 --> 00:18:47,951 I went to an all-girls school. 502 00:18:48,038 --> 00:18:50,040 The worst-- girls can be so mean to each other. 503 00:18:50,128 --> 00:18:52,521 Yeah, Cece and I hid in the bathroom for four years. 504 00:18:52,608 --> 00:18:53,958 This is... this is really nice, guys. 505 00:18:54,045 --> 00:18:55,481 Thank you for letting me join in. 506 00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:56,917 It's totally relaxing. 507 00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:58,746 Except that I don't know why, 508 00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:01,140 if I put the fox through the cave, 509 00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:03,054 it doesn't... the yarn is broken. 510 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,578 I don't know why this is not turning into... 511 00:19:06,884 --> 00:19:08,190 What you making? 512 00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:10,018 A hat. 513 00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:12,151 If you're making a hat for a baby, it is done. 514 00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:14,153 Yeah. 515 00:19:16,851 --> 00:19:17,981 NICK: Hey, Julia. 516 00:19:18,068 --> 00:19:19,419 What are you doing here? 517 00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:21,247 Could I talk to you for a second? 518 00:19:21,334 --> 00:19:22,638 Okay. 519 00:19:24,031 --> 00:19:25,337 Hey, Julia. 520 00:19:25,424 --> 00:19:27,339 Stop. 521 00:19:27,426 --> 00:19:29,645 No, there's something that I need to say to you. 522 00:19:29,732 --> 00:19:30,517 All right. Then go ahead. 523 00:19:31,778 --> 00:19:32,866 Okay. Okay. 524 00:19:32,953 --> 00:19:34,781 I'm going to say it. 525 00:19:34,868 --> 00:19:37,175 [sighs] Okay, I...Just say it. 526 00:19:37,262 --> 00:19:39,439 All right. I-I wanted to say that... 527 00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:41,354 I don't want to date anybody else. 528 00:19:41,441 --> 00:19:43,529 I just want to date you. 529 00:19:47,097 --> 00:19:48,751 Well, that's what I was going to say to you. 530 00:19:49,926 --> 00:19:51,319 Really? Yeah. 531 00:19:52,973 --> 00:19:55,672 So, then... so, then, what does that mean? 532 00:19:55,759 --> 00:19:58,935 You're, like, my boyfriend now? 533 00:19:59,022 --> 00:20:00,938 I'm not really into labels. 534 00:20:01,025 --> 00:20:01,895 Yeah, all right. 535 00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:10,209 Boyfriend. 536 00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:12,558 That's so lame. 537 00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:14,691 You're totally going to... 538 00:20:14,778 --> 00:20:16,998 carry my books home from school. 539 00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:19,347 I will if you wear my leatherman jacket. 540 00:20:19,434 --> 00:20:21,001 It's "letterman" jacket.No, I'm pretty sure 541 00:20:21,088 --> 00:20:23,003 it's a leatherman jacket.You letter... 542 00:20:23,090 --> 00:20:24,309 The leather sleeves that the football guys wear? 543 00:20:24,396 --> 00:20:26,789 I'm right. I'm right. 544 00:20:28,878 --> 00:20:30,097 I'm glad you pitched a fit, 545 00:20:30,184 --> 00:20:31,969 because my towel is very dry. 546 00:20:32,056 --> 00:20:34,144 I didn't pitch a fit. I just... 547 00:20:34,232 --> 00:20:35,711 Damp! 548 00:20:35,798 --> 00:20:37,410 Damn it! 549 00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:38,801 Everybody-- bathroom now! 550 00:20:39,933 --> 00:20:41,108 What's up, Dad? 551 00:20:41,195 --> 00:20:42,675 What, Schmidt? SCHMIDT: Is someone playing 552 00:20:42,762 --> 00:20:44,547 a joke on me? 553 00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:46,069 Honestly, why is my towel still damp? 554 00:20:46,156 --> 00:20:48,769 Because it's not your towel; it's my towel, Schmidt. 555 00:20:48,855 --> 00:20:50,857 No, it's not your towel. Your towel is the red one. 556 00:20:50,944 --> 00:20:51,684 NICK: I'll tell you this, pal. 557 00:20:51,771 --> 00:20:53,208 I've never used that. 558 00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:54,252 I do use that one every single day. 559 00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:56,993 Oh, God. 560 00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,170 This towel's so warm and fluffy. 561 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,824 It's like it's been in the sun forever. 562 00:21:00,911 --> 00:21:02,826 This means you two have been drying your junk 563 00:21:02,913 --> 00:21:04,872 with the same towel.Intimate. 564 00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:06,829 Are you out of your mind?!NICK: What do you mean, am I... 565 00:21:06,916 --> 00:21:08,615 How do you think this is your towel? Do you even wash it? 566 00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:10,834 No, I don't wash the towel; the towel washes me. 567 00:21:10,921 --> 00:21:12,792 [laughing]: Who washes a towel? 568 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,490 You never wash...?You wash your towel? 569 00:21:14,576 --> 00:21:17,188 You never wash the towel?What am I going to do? 570 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:19,886 Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap? 571 00:21:19,973 --> 00:21:22,541 You got to think here, pal.I'm furious right now. 572 00:21:22,628 --> 00:21:24,760 I get out of the damn shower, I'm clean as a damn baby, 573 00:21:24,847 --> 00:21:27,328 and I use the towel.Let me ask you this. 574 00:21:27,415 --> 00:21:28,765 Have you been wearing my underpants? 575 00:21:28,852 --> 00:21:31,333 Sometimes, yeah. Who cares?[Schmidt gags] 576 00:21:31,420 --> 00:21:32,987 You guys don't wear each other's underpants? 577 00:21:33,074 --> 00:21:35,990 You're lying. We all wear each other's underwear.