1
00:00:02,306 --> 00:00:03,654
$50 in the douche bag jar?

2
00:00:03,742 --> 00:00:05,482
WINSTON: Absolutely, man.Yes, absolutely.

3
00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,355
Why so much?I feel like it
should actually be

4
00:00:07,442 --> 00:00:09,660
more in the 100, 200 range,
so that's a discount.

5
00:00:09,747 --> 00:00:12,228
Think about what
you did, Schmidt.

6
00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:15,928
I lost it.

7
00:00:16,015 --> 00:00:17,669
I lost the party bus.

8
00:00:17,756 --> 00:00:19,280
The party bus for
your birthday party?

9
00:00:19,367 --> 00:00:20,716
Yeah.

10
00:00:20,803 --> 00:00:21,934
Apparently,

11
00:00:22,021 --> 00:00:23,588
my business isn't as important

12
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:26,460
as Frankie Muniz's.

13
00:00:26,547 --> 00:00:27,722
They canceled
my rez.

14
00:00:27,809 --> 00:00:28,940
There's nothing I can do;
the party's off.

15
00:00:29,028 --> 00:00:29,986
You should
torch them

16
00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:30,943
on Yelp.

17
00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:32,640
Actually, I can do it.

18
00:00:32,728 --> 00:00:34,381
I have an account under the name
Fantastic Jacques.

19
00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:35,948
He's a French
diplomat

20
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,298
with very little patience.

21
00:00:37,384 --> 00:00:39,734
Or you could just get
another bus.

22
00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:41,040
In two days?

23
00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:42,737
[scoffs]
Okay, yeah, sure, Winston.

24
00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:44,957
W-Why don't I just go down
to the party bus store,

25
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:48,177
where all the party buses have
a state-of-the-art sound system,

26
00:00:48,265 --> 00:00:50,701
a stripper pole, a love grotto,

27
00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:52,616
and a steering wheel
in the shape of a boob.

28
00:00:53,661 --> 00:00:54,923
You honk the nipple.

29
00:00:55,011 --> 00:00:56,490
It's pretty awesome.

30
00:00:56,578 --> 00:00:57,621
Just have the party at a bar.

31
00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:58,841
Nick, this is it.

32
00:00:58,927 --> 00:01:01,191
This is my 29th birthday party.

33
00:01:01,277 --> 00:01:02,627
This is the year.
After this,

34
00:01:02,713 --> 00:01:06,326
I don't know, it's just...
just all darkness.

35
00:01:12,637 --> 00:01:14,290
Was he crying a little?

36
00:01:14,378 --> 00:01:17,293
♪ Hey, girl ♪

37
00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:19,469
♪ What you doing? ♪

38
00:01:19,557 --> 00:01:22,516
♪ Hey, girl ♪

39
00:01:22,603 --> 00:01:25,519
♪ Where you going? ♪

40
00:01:25,606 --> 00:01:27,912
♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ Who's that girl?♪

41
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,436
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

42
00:01:29,524 --> 00:01:30,307
♪ Who's that girl?♪

43
00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:32,179
♪ It's Jess. ♪

44
00:01:37,835 --> 00:01:39,316
[door closes]

45
00:01:39,402 --> 00:01:41,448
Hey, I just came
to make sure you're okay.

46
00:01:41,536 --> 00:01:42,972
[sighs]

47
00:01:43,058 --> 00:01:44,843
I'm not okay, Jess.

48
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:46,149
I had to cancel
my birthday party.

49
00:01:46,235 --> 00:01:48,108
It's social suicide.

50
00:01:48,194 --> 00:01:50,152
I can feel my it
factor going away.

51
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,111
And then what am I
gonna tell Benjamin?

52
00:01:52,198 --> 00:01:52,981
Why are you so worried
about Benjamin?

53
00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:54,765
He's your friend.

54
00:01:54,853 --> 00:01:57,551
We have a very weird,
girl-style friendship

55
00:01:57,639 --> 00:01:59,162
where we kind of
hate each other.

56
00:01:59,248 --> 00:02:00,989
We're bronemies.

57
00:02:01,076 --> 00:02:02,730
He's my fremesis.

58
00:02:02,817 --> 00:02:04,210
I'm so confused
right now.

59
00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:06,430
Okay, look, Benjamin and I--
we were suitemates in college.

60
00:02:06,516 --> 00:02:07,865
Benjamin, I can't wait
to get to L.A.

61
00:02:07,953 --> 00:02:09,128
We're going to have
so much sex--

62
00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:10,651
in the morning,

63
00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:11,521
in the afternoon,

64
00:02:11,609 --> 00:02:12,479
at bedtime.

65
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,176
Mmm, peanuts.

66
00:02:14,264 --> 00:02:15,873
I'm telling you, man,
I'm gonna run that town

67
00:02:15,961 --> 00:02:16,919
one day--
You'll see.

68
00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:18,268
I'm gonna write you a check

69
00:02:18,354 --> 00:02:19,704
right now for $100 million.

70
00:02:19,790 --> 00:02:20,617
How do you like that?

71
00:02:20,704 --> 00:02:21,924
Damn, dude.

72
00:02:22,010 --> 00:02:23,795
And this is a real check.

73
00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,579
You can cash it
when I'm rich and awesome.

74
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,450
Give me
about four years.

75
00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:30,105
Do the song.
♪ We built
this Schmidty ♪

76
00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:33,848
BOTH: ♪ We built this Schmidty
on Tootsie Rolls. ♪

77
00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:35,850
[both laughing]

78
00:02:35,937 --> 00:02:37,896
If it wasn't for Benjamin,
I, I never would have become

79
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,985
a Los Angeles baller.

80
00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:41,596
Holla.

81
00:02:41,682 --> 00:02:42,987
I changed everything
about myself, Jess.

82
00:02:43,074 --> 00:02:45,990
I lost all the weight,
I changed my clothes,

83
00:02:46,078 --> 00:02:47,253
I even dropped my
voice half an octave,

84
00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:49,995
but it wasn't enough.

85
00:02:50,081 --> 00:02:51,735
I guess I'll just never
be cool enough, Jess.

86
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,655
Okay, I've got it.

87
00:02:57,741 --> 00:02:59,700
We are going to throw
Schmidt a birthday party.No.

88
00:02:59,788 --> 00:03:00,788
Yes, 'cause it's
his 29th birthday

89
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:02,616
and we care.

90
00:03:02,704 --> 00:03:04,444
Jess, Schmidt's world
is different than ours.

91
00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:06,141
They speak
a different language.

92
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:08,491
They shorten every word
to one syllable.

93
00:03:08,579 --> 00:03:11,234
Okay, he once called
an oven an "ovs."

94
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:14,193
He calls an airport "airp."He called ketchup "ketch."

95
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:15,978
Last month he went
to a party called

96
00:03:16,064 --> 00:03:18,633
Bros before Hos
on the Moon.

97
00:03:18,719 --> 00:03:20,025
What does that
even mean?

98
00:03:20,111 --> 00:03:21,635
And the dress code
was "yacht flair."

99
00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:23,027
What?
Schmidt has
a friend

100
00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:25,292
who legally changed
his middle name to Doin' It.

101
00:03:25,378 --> 00:03:27,467
Yeah, Doin' It.Just one word: Doinit.

102
00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:30,296
You are not
emotionally, mentally,

103
00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:34,430
and spiritually prepared
to throw these d-bags a party.

104
00:03:34,518 --> 00:03:35,692
I'm gonna do some research.

105
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:37,173
Actually, I'm sorry,
I do have to go.

106
00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:38,740
I apologize.Where are you going?

107
00:03:38,826 --> 00:03:40,567
And why are you wearing
your jury duty pants?

108
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:43,048
I'm not, man, I'm just--
mumble, mumble, mumble.

109
00:03:43,134 --> 00:03:44,135
JULIA: Come on, lawyer party...

110
00:03:44,223 --> 00:03:45,485
the classic fifth date.

111
00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:46,921
What are you talking about?

112
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:48,139
I'm not gonna apologize for it.

113
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,055
I got nothing to
apologize for.

114
00:03:50,141 --> 00:03:51,709
I owe you nothing.No, I'm having
a really fun time.

115
00:03:51,795 --> 00:03:53,972
I love wearing
a Bill Cosby sweater

116
00:03:54,058 --> 00:03:56,104
in front of a bunch of lawyers
who are younger than me.

117
00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:57,975
[à la Cosby]:
Hello, I'm Bill Cosby,
do you like pudding?

118
00:03:58,062 --> 00:04:01,110
My son's name is Theo and
his best friend is Cockroach.

119
00:04:01,197 --> 00:04:02,545
That supposed to
be Bill Cosby?

120
00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:03,938
[normal voice]:
That's as good as I can do.

121
00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:05,026
Let's see yours.Would you like to hear

122
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:06,768
how he really sounds?
Yes.

123
00:04:06,854 --> 00:04:08,290
[à la Cosby]: I want to
get some more pudding.

124
00:04:08,377 --> 00:04:10,379
That's the worst Bill Co...
How about this?

125
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,252
[à la Cosby]:
I got a daughter
named Rudy Huxtable,

126
00:04:12,338 --> 00:04:14,862
and she's the cutest
of all my daughters.

127
00:04:14,949 --> 00:04:17,518
[normal voice]:
I'm really glad that
you're here with me.

128
00:04:17,605 --> 00:04:18,822
[normal voice]:
Yeah, I'm happy you let me
be here with you.

129
00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:20,129
No, I really
am because

130
00:04:20,216 --> 00:04:21,564
I got to, like, kiss
all the asses

131
00:04:21,651 --> 00:04:23,740
of these 24-year-
old law students

132
00:04:23,827 --> 00:04:25,177
to try to get 'em
to work here.

133
00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:26,483
I went to law school.

134
00:04:26,569 --> 00:04:28,355
You went to law school?
Yes.

135
00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:30,747
I quit. Yes.Quit law school-- why?

136
00:04:30,834 --> 00:04:32,228
Because I realized
I hated lawyers.

137
00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,230
He says to the lawyer.

138
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:36,579
And for some
reason I find you

139
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:38,887
ridiculously attractive
for saying that.

140
00:04:38,973 --> 00:04:41,237
Why don't you kiss
my ass, then?

141
00:04:42,629 --> 00:04:45,327
Look, Julia,
I got turned around.

142
00:04:45,415 --> 00:04:47,199
I thought we were doing
a flirty back-and-forth...

143
00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:48,288
I'm actually
just kidding.

144
00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:49,331
I really do want
to do that.

145
00:04:49,418 --> 00:04:50,420
Oh, you would?

146
00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:52,117
Well, we can make
that happen.

147
00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:53,249
Great.
Let's go.

148
00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:54,423
Let's go to your place.

149
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:55,338
Want to go to your place?

150
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:56,992
Do you mind?

151
00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:58,733
Are you married or what?

152
00:04:58,819 --> 00:05:01,562
No, no, no, n-no, no, no, n-no,
I'm not married.

153
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:03,564
I am the opposite
of married.

154
00:05:03,651 --> 00:05:05,086
Before you, there was like,
there was like nothing.

155
00:05:05,173 --> 00:05:07,785
I've got, like,
no girls on the horizon.

156
00:05:07,872 --> 00:05:09,483
In a hot way.

157
00:05:09,569 --> 00:05:12,877
Why don't you ever
invite me to your place

158
00:05:12,963 --> 00:05:15,358
or, like, tell me all
that much about yourself?

159
00:05:15,444 --> 00:05:17,665
It's weird-- I don't
even know where you live.

160
00:05:17,752 --> 00:05:18,970
I'm 30 years old,

161
00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:21,321
and I live in a loft
with three roommates.

162
00:05:22,670 --> 00:05:25,454
In a hot way.

163
00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:28,370
[à la Cosby]:
But maybe you can kiss my butt
when I talk like Bill Cosby.

164
00:05:28,457 --> 00:05:30,634
All right, let's go.

165
00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:31,983
[normal voice]:
Is that going to work?
Uh-huh.

166
00:05:32,069 --> 00:05:33,768
Wow, weird stuff
works with you.
[laughs]

167
00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:38,468
Hi, yes, I'd like to order
a last-minute stripper.

168
00:05:38,555 --> 00:05:42,124
Oh, um, preferably
of Asian heritage,

169
00:05:42,211 --> 00:05:44,865
very bendy,
with a heart of gold

170
00:05:44,952 --> 00:05:48,478
and a crotch of gold.

171
00:05:48,564 --> 00:05:50,132
Mm-hmm, yeah,
I'll hold.

172
00:05:50,218 --> 00:05:51,175
Hey, Jess, Winston,
this is Julia.
Oh.

173
00:05:51,262 --> 00:05:52,439
Hi.We're just saying hi.

174
00:05:52,526 --> 00:05:54,178
Nice to meet you guys.

175
00:05:54,266 --> 00:05:55,266
Welcome to our home.
Hold on one second.

176
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,617
We're doing

177
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:57,966
a surprise party for Schmidt.

178
00:05:58,052 --> 00:05:59,533
Who is that?Oh, I didn't tell you

179
00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:01,795
about Schmidt?
No.That's our other roommate.

180
00:06:01,882 --> 00:06:03,319
Other roommate.You know what?
You should come.

181
00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:05,495
It's on Saturday.Yes.
Cool, yeah.

182
00:06:05,581 --> 00:06:07,062
You should stay as far
from that party as possible.

183
00:06:07,149 --> 00:06:08,584
Is it like a
presents thing

184
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:12,153
or more like a donations
to charity situation?

185
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,634
No?
Just bring yourself.

186
00:06:14,721 --> 00:06:16,463
Do you want to head
to my room for a little bit?

187
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:17,855
Give you the rest of the tour
around the place.

188
00:06:17,942 --> 00:06:19,814
Great, yeah.
Great.
Bye.

189
00:06:19,901 --> 00:06:20,901
NICK:
Bye.

190
00:06:20,988 --> 00:06:22,512
Hold on
one second.

191
00:06:22,598 --> 00:06:24,644
Hey, Winston,
why'd you do that?

192
00:06:24,731 --> 00:06:26,036
Are you hiding her from us?

193
00:06:26,124 --> 00:06:27,908
Like, are you ashamed
of your friends?

194
00:06:27,995 --> 00:06:29,170
100%, and you're not
my friend right now.

195
00:06:29,257 --> 00:06:30,519
You're my enemy,
Winston, my enemy.

196
00:06:30,606 --> 00:06:31,826
Give me a kiss, give me a kiss.

197
00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:34,305
No, that's
the problem.

198
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,047
Thank you, Ms. Phatbooty,
you're the best.

199
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:38,223
[chuckles]

200
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:40,487
Yes, I just hired
my first stripper.

201
00:06:40,574 --> 00:06:42,183
Anything else I should get?

202
00:06:56,110 --> 00:06:58,678
Do you like
jazz cigarettes?

203
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,420
Hi, Tanya.

204
00:07:02,899 --> 00:07:04,466
Patti told me that...

205
00:07:04,553 --> 00:07:06,250
Patti told you to break
in my office to look for drugs?

206
00:07:08,209 --> 00:07:09,211
[laughs]

207
00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:11,430
Hey, JK kidding, JK kidding.

208
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:12,519
You can do whatever you want.

209
00:07:13,954 --> 00:07:14,869
I didn't know
you liked to shop

210
00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:16,086
at the Confiscation Station.

211
00:07:17,785 --> 00:07:20,221
So what are you looking
for-- grass?

212
00:07:20,309 --> 00:07:22,310
'Cause I can do
a locker search on Monday.

213
00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:23,747
Monday's too
late because...

214
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:28,055
Oh, so what do you got
cooking this weekend, huh?

215
00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:29,360
You have to tell me;
I'm your boss.

216
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,625
What is it, a list thing,
Paperless Post?

217
00:07:31,711 --> 00:07:33,103
I'm free Friday,

218
00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:35,889
but I can also make
Saturday or Sunday work.

219
00:07:37,281 --> 00:07:38,413
Jess, what are you doing?

220
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:39,762
I'm making
an egg yellows omelet.

221
00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:41,329
The shallots and gouda
are going to congeal.

222
00:07:41,417 --> 00:07:42,418
I can't--
what is this?

223
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:45,420
ALL:
Happy birthday!

224
00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:47,683
It's a party bus.

225
00:07:47,771 --> 00:07:49,380
I'm so excited.

226
00:07:55,213 --> 00:07:58,129
Whoa, Jess, you really did
all this for me?

227
00:08:00,043 --> 00:08:02,132
Okay, so...

228
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:04,571
over here is kosher
yogurt and honey.

229
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:05,875
Kosher yoge?We got some condoms

230
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:06,920
over here-- small,
medium, large,

231
00:08:07,007 --> 00:08:08,399
whatever your
preference.

232
00:08:08,487 --> 00:08:09,923
Well, I would use...I don't want
to know.

233
00:08:10,011 --> 00:08:11,882
And the R-rated section
in the back

234
00:08:11,968 --> 00:08:13,927
with the stripper pole.

235
00:08:14,014 --> 00:08:15,711
It's normally used
for stability,

236
00:08:15,798 --> 00:08:17,540
but tonight it's
going to be used

237
00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:19,499
for $50 worth of seminudity.

238
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:20,891
Coincidentally,

239
00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:22,632
I'm wearing my lap dance pants.

240
00:08:22,718 --> 00:08:23,677
This is, like, your world, huh?

241
00:08:23,764 --> 00:08:25,678
No...
It is.

242
00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:28,332
It's you in your natural
habitat, it's fascinating.

243
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,334
I'm just here for Schmidt. I
don't know any of these people.

244
00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:31,641
BENJAMIN:
Nicholas, what's up, N-word?

245
00:08:31,728 --> 00:08:33,513
Don't call me "N-word."

246
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,861
I don't know this guy.

247
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,037
How's your family
in Chicago?

248
00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:37,081
Really good,
thanks for asking,

249
00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:38,038
they're all healthy.

250
00:08:38,125 --> 00:08:40,911
That's good.

251
00:08:40,998 --> 00:08:43,653
Oh, look at this big old pile
of birthday Schmidt.

252
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,133
[laughs]

253
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:46,830
Hey, do you mind if I get
a ride on your school bus?

254
00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:48,440
I don't want to be late
for first period.

255
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,052
[all laughing]

256
00:08:51,139 --> 00:08:53,183
Why you got to do me
like that, Been-ja-meen?

257
00:08:53,270 --> 00:08:54,576
[both laugh]

258
00:08:54,663 --> 00:08:56,187
What's up, boys?
What up?

259
00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:57,884
Why don't you sing us
your birthday song?

260
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,015
Oh, you have a birthday song?

261
00:08:59,102 --> 00:09:00,582
All right, all right,
guys, come on.

262
00:09:00,669 --> 00:09:02,542
Sing it, come on.

263
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:03,890
♪ We built this Schmidty ♪

264
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:06,067
BOTH:
♪ We built this Schmidty ♪

265
00:09:06,153 --> 00:09:10,114
♪ On rock... ♪♪ On Tootsie Rolls. ♪

266
00:09:10,201 --> 00:09:11,288
JESS:
Is that the lyrics?

267
00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:12,421
Yeah, we used
to make him sing that

268
00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:13,988
because he was fat.

269
00:09:14,075 --> 00:09:16,424
You know I'm just
playing at you.

270
00:09:16,511 --> 00:09:17,251
Yeah, hilarity,
my man, hilarity.

271
00:09:17,338 --> 00:09:19,688
Yeah, come on, man.

272
00:09:19,775 --> 00:09:20,734
You really live
with that guy, huh?

273
00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:22,562
Yeah, I really do.

274
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,650
Does he, like, tuck his
shiny jeans into boots

275
00:09:24,738 --> 00:09:26,390
when he goes
out at night?

276
00:09:26,477 --> 00:09:28,437
You know, the truth is,
I met Schmidt a long time ago

277
00:09:28,524 --> 00:09:30,004
when we were in college

278
00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:32,441
and he was this sweet,
chubby communications major

279
00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:33,963
who wore cargo shorts and...Yeah.

280
00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:35,356
I'm actually just
messing with you.

281
00:09:35,443 --> 00:09:37,010
Seriously, I think all
of your friends seem

282
00:09:37,097 --> 00:09:40,014
completely awesome and
nice and fun, so relax.

283
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:42,538
You don't have
to say that.

284
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,365
They're my friends--
you can tease 'em.I don't want to tease them.

285
00:09:44,452 --> 00:09:45,628
I tease them all the time,
they don't care.

286
00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:46,933
Schmidt's a d-bag,

287
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,239
you know, but, like,
not in a bad way,

288
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,024
and, like, Jess
is a total nut.

289
00:09:50,110 --> 00:09:51,807
Oh...And Winston is like this

290
00:09:51,894 --> 00:09:54,071
competitive maniac

291
00:09:54,158 --> 00:09:56,465
who loves Sister, Sisterand
he's, like, afraid of thunder.

292
00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:57,900
But I'm the voice of re...Behind you, he's behind you,

293
00:09:57,988 --> 00:09:58,946
he's behind you.Right now he is?

294
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,903
Currently.

295
00:10:00,990 --> 00:10:02,471
And he's also one
of my best friends.

296
00:10:02,557 --> 00:10:03,777
Oh, no, keep going.

297
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:04,865
[mutters]

298
00:10:04,951 --> 00:10:05,995
You want to go
on the bus?

299
00:10:06,082 --> 00:10:07,910
Yeah, let's go on the bus.

300
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:09,739
I'm really sorry, man,
I was just saying that

301
00:10:09,826 --> 00:10:10,913
to show off for her.Oh, no,

302
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,133
man, I am bringing
you down.

303
00:10:12,220 --> 00:10:13,177
Don't bring me down.[chuckles]

304
00:10:13,264 --> 00:10:15,918
Bro juice?

305
00:10:16,005 --> 00:10:17,399
Vodka pom, right?

306
00:10:17,485 --> 00:10:19,530
Winston said it was a tradish.

307
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,010
Look, Benjamin's smiling.

308
00:10:21,097 --> 00:10:22,056
[laughs]Jess, you did
so good.

309
00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:26,190
MAN:
Is this stripper pole
weight-bearing?

310
00:10:26,277 --> 00:10:29,716
Looks like some pretty shoddy
workmanship on the cap flange.

311
00:10:29,802 --> 00:10:31,326
Can I help you?
Martin Fuller,
GrindPalace.com.

312
00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:33,676
Hi, I'm Jessica Day.

313
00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:35,851
I spoke with your supervisor
on the telephone.

314
00:10:35,938 --> 00:10:38,812
[whispering]:
Um, are you bringing
the stripper?

315
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:41,336
'Cause I really wanted
to see her jugs first,

316
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:45,253
you know, just so... um,
I do right by my bro.

317
00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:46,210
We have a little
miscommunicado.

318
00:10:46,297 --> 00:10:48,081
Did you make the call?

319
00:10:48,168 --> 00:10:50,692
Because if they hear a woman's
voice, then they send me.

320
00:10:50,779 --> 00:10:52,173
I'm your stripper, folks.

321
00:10:52,259 --> 00:10:54,523
Hey, need to clear
this aisle.

322
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:56,830
I got to have
a perimeter.It's a joke-- no.

323
00:10:56,917 --> 00:10:58,658
Please, please, please,
no, you can't.
Are you
the birthday boy?

324
00:10:58,745 --> 00:10:59,745
You are going
to love it.

325
00:10:59,832 --> 00:11:01,572
I do
wet towel tricks.

326
00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:04,097
Nobody likes wet towel tricks.No, he does not love
wet towel tricks.

327
00:11:04,184 --> 00:11:05,926
I don't judge, pal.
I just want to have fun.We're not... No.
Sir, you are not gonna...

328
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:08,624
I don't want to be rude,
but, uh, times are hard.

329
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,147
It is Saturday night,

330
00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:11,888
so if I get hired
to take my clothes off,

331
00:11:11,975 --> 00:11:13,410
I'm gonna get naked.

332
00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:15,065
So, I'll just put
my gym bag down,

333
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:16,500
and I'll take my pants off.

334
00:11:16,587 --> 00:11:18,198
No, no, I'll handle it.

335
00:11:18,286 --> 00:11:20,375
Hey.
[grunts]

336
00:11:20,461 --> 00:11:22,682
Hey, Mr. Fuller.

337
00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:24,073
Mr. Fuller.

338
00:11:24,161 --> 00:11:25,640
Mr. Fuller?
Oh, no.

339
00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,947
It's getting
a little nippy out.

340
00:11:28,034 --> 00:11:29,993
Not a good time to start
turtling. [slaps thighs]

341
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:30,907
Come on.
Jess, make it stop.

342
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:33,344
I'm gonna pay you...

343
00:11:33,431 --> 00:11:37,260
$50 to never show
us your penis.

344
00:11:37,347 --> 00:11:38,610
But what about tips?

345
00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:40,264
I make my living on tips.

346
00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:42,614
Well, can you do anything
else for the money?

347
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:45,139
I'm a baritone
at my gospel choir

348
00:11:45,225 --> 00:11:47,183
at First Presbyterian.

349
00:11:47,270 --> 00:11:48,924
[partiers whooping and cheering]

350
00:11:49,011 --> 00:11:51,711
JESS [over bullhorn]:
Everybody, everybody...

351
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:53,147
hey!

352
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:54,756
Welcome to
Schmidt's 29th!

353
00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:58,369
[whooping and cheering]

354
00:11:58,456 --> 00:11:59,806
Safety is of
the utmost importance,

355
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:01,458
so the person
sitting next to you

356
00:12:01,546 --> 00:12:03,504
is gonna be your bus buddy
for the night.

357
00:12:03,591 --> 00:12:05,506
Any time you're up and about,

358
00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:07,422
please wear one
of these fashion helmets.

359
00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,250
And I brought drugs.Tanya has

360
00:12:09,336 --> 00:12:12,166
half a pot cookie,
so maybe she'll share.

361
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,777
Okay, everybody,
have fun!

362
00:12:14,864 --> 00:12:16,125
Martin, sing us out.

363
00:12:16,212 --> 00:12:18,606
♪ Oh, when he comes ♪

364
00:12:18,693 --> 00:12:21,087
♪ Oh, when he comes ♪

365
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,437
♪ He's gonna come for you ♪

366
00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:24,134
No stripping!

367
00:12:24,221 --> 00:12:25,352
♪ Oh, sweet salvation! ♪

368
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,224
♪ Oh, when he comes... ♪

369
00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:35,363
$50. I've never put $50
in the douche bag jar.

370
00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:37,931
Well, that's really impressive,
Schmidt, considering.

371
00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:41,369
Someone's personalized condoms
just came in the mail.

372
00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:43,719
Hey! Jar! $20.

373
00:12:45,241 --> 00:12:46,808
Winston, did you know

374
00:12:46,895 --> 00:12:48,724
that NWA didn't stand
for "Never Walk Alone"?

375
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:50,595
$30. Jar.

376
00:12:50,682 --> 00:12:53,076
Hey, man.

377
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:56,078
No! Jar, Schmidt.

378
00:12:56,165 --> 00:12:58,341
Jar!
What?

379
00:12:58,428 --> 00:13:01,823
Somehow, Schmidt, you've outdone
yourself this time.

380
00:13:01,910 --> 00:13:03,607
It was my birthday.

381
00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:06,610
I was very drunk.

382
00:13:06,697 --> 00:13:11,051
All right, everybody,
it's time for a shot.

383
00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:13,966
A little bro-juice shot
for Benjamin!

384
00:13:14,053 --> 00:13:15,533
What?

385
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:16,620
For Benjamin is a true...

386
00:13:16,707 --> 00:13:18,536
I'm the king!

387
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:22,452
JESS:
Winston and Nick, come and get
your bro juice!

388
00:13:22,539 --> 00:13:23,976
Bro juice!

389
00:13:24,063 --> 00:13:25,282
ALL [chanting]:
Bro juice! Bro juice!

390
00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:26,413
Bro juice?

391
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:27,414
I have no idea.

392
00:13:27,501 --> 00:13:28,416
Really?
Yeah.

393
00:13:28,503 --> 00:13:30,897
Nick Miller invented bro juice

394
00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:32,594
on Schmidt's
twenty-second

395
00:13:32,681 --> 00:13:34,725
birthday.
Remember that?Bro juice.

396
00:13:34,813 --> 00:13:36,903
ALL:
Bro juice! Bro juice!

397
00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:39,774
Get over here
for your bro juice!

398
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:41,384
[cheering]

399
00:13:41,471 --> 00:13:43,865
[mutters]

400
00:13:43,952 --> 00:13:46,476
This is not gonna
be attractive.

401
00:13:46,563 --> 00:13:48,000
[cheering]

402
00:13:48,087 --> 00:13:50,480
Oh, yeah!

403
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:52,308
You know, we're way
too old for this, don't you?Oh, definitely.

404
00:13:53,658 --> 00:13:55,835
Happy birthday, brother.

405
00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,316
Yeah!Happy birthday, Schmidty!

406
00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:02,275
[whooping]

407
00:14:04,104 --> 00:14:05,322
Yeah!
[whooping]

408
00:14:05,408 --> 00:14:06,846
Bro juice!

409
00:14:06,932 --> 00:14:08,673
Bro juice!

410
00:14:08,759 --> 00:14:10,893
When I say "Par," you say "Tay."

411
00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:12,328
Par.
ALL:
Tay.

412
00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:13,764
Par.
Tay!

413
00:14:13,852 --> 00:14:15,115
Holla!

414
00:14:15,201 --> 00:14:16,551
[whooping]

415
00:14:16,638 --> 00:14:18,726
What am I doing?

416
00:14:18,813 --> 00:14:21,250
It makes you think, huh?

417
00:14:21,337 --> 00:14:22,557
Twenties-- they're almost over,
man. It's crazy.

418
00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:24,384
Are you hitting that?

419
00:14:24,471 --> 00:14:26,691
Jess?
Yeah.
No.

420
00:14:26,778 --> 00:14:28,302
Well, then I think
I'll help myself.

421
00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:30,652
To sex... with
your friend.

422
00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:32,349
SCHMIDT:
No, no, no,
Benjamin, you can't.

423
00:14:32,436 --> 00:14:33,784
Not with Jess.
Please don't.

424
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,657
Well, I can.
I can, and I will.

425
00:14:39,616 --> 00:14:41,619
JESS [over bullhorn]:
Good evening, night owls.

426
00:14:41,706 --> 00:14:44,057
It's about to get bubonic
in here,

427
00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:46,363
for tonight,
we're going to...

428
00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:48,148
The Plague.

429
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:50,453
Sorry. Just...
It's just Plague.

430
00:14:50,540 --> 00:14:52,369
It's a discotheque.

431
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:55,284
We'll be going there next.

432
00:14:55,371 --> 00:14:56,460
Whose list are you on?
Tristan's?

433
00:14:56,547 --> 00:14:57,765
Isn't it just like a bar

434
00:14:57,852 --> 00:14:59,201
or something?

435
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:03,553
What do you pull down
a year in the game?

436
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,339
Ever since I started
doing full frontal,

437
00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:07,427
I pull down
seven K a year easy.

438
00:15:07,514 --> 00:15:09,951
Why? You interested
in the life?

439
00:15:10,038 --> 00:15:12,519
Me? A male stripper?
Come on. You're too kind.

440
00:15:12,606 --> 00:15:15,479
But you know, theoretically,
if I were to get into the game,

441
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:17,873
you know, what are they looking
for in the gator department?

442
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,831
You know what I mean?

443
00:15:19,918 --> 00:15:22,922
Or is it just moving so fast
that it doesn't really matter?

444
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:26,360
It's all about storytelling,
taking 'em on a journey.

445
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:28,884
Let me ask you
some basics.

446
00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:31,974
When you thrust, what's your
range of motion, side-to-side?

447
00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:34,498
Well, left-- right-right.

448
00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:35,890
What about
your testicles?

449
00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:37,153
Are they more or
less symmetrical?

450
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,548
Size-- yes, location-- no.

451
00:15:41,635 --> 00:15:42,898
What about your persona?

452
00:15:42,985 --> 00:15:45,030
What? Fireman or a cop?

453
00:15:45,118 --> 00:15:46,509
I didn't ask you
your character.

454
00:15:46,596 --> 00:15:48,033
Your persona.

455
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,687
I'm a Wolf-Hawk.
What are you?

456
00:15:49,774 --> 00:15:52,341
Luxury. Dessert.

457
00:15:52,428 --> 00:15:53,865
I'm a warrior poet, man.

458
00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:55,736
That's it.

459
00:15:55,823 --> 00:15:58,392
Got a number
for you to call.

460
00:15:58,479 --> 00:15:59,870
You ever hook up
with the ladies?

461
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,568
It's ladies,

462
00:16:01,655 --> 00:16:03,962
like, one out of
ten times at most.

463
00:16:04,049 --> 00:16:05,659
You're dancing for dudes?

464
00:16:05,746 --> 00:16:08,357
Yeah, I'm dancing
for dudes.

465
00:16:08,445 --> 00:16:10,403
All right, I'm sorry, okay?

466
00:16:10,490 --> 00:16:12,318
You're so quiet. You're
having a terrible time.

467
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:15,278
I don't mean to be.
I'm probably just intimidated.

468
00:16:15,365 --> 00:16:17,672
I'm sitting right next
to the inventor of bro juice.

469
00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:19,413
I get it, okay?That's... I'm gonna
brag about that.

470
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:22,154
I did. I invented
bro juice, okay?

471
00:16:22,241 --> 00:16:24,244
And now you want...
You're done.
What?!

472
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:27,202
I get it. When we get off
the bus, it's over, I blew it.

473
00:16:27,289 --> 00:16:29,552
It's ridiculous.
I don't care about any of it.

474
00:16:29,639 --> 00:16:31,511
I really don't. Everyone's got
embarrassing stuff.

475
00:16:31,599 --> 00:16:34,167
I mean, I have stuff
that you don't know about.

476
00:16:34,254 --> 00:16:35,777
Like what?

477
00:16:35,864 --> 00:16:37,778
Just don't lie
to me about stuff,

478
00:16:37,865 --> 00:16:40,216
and we'll be fine.
Fine.

479
00:16:40,302 --> 00:16:42,217
When I work out,
which isn't often,
Uh-huh.

480
00:16:42,304 --> 00:16:44,350
I listen to Huey Lewis
because it pumps me up.

481
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,701
Not ironically. Want
to hear something else?

482
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,876
Okay.
I don't believe
dinosaurs existed.

483
00:16:48,963 --> 00:16:50,618
I've seen the science.
I don't believe it.

484
00:16:50,705 --> 00:16:52,359
Want to hear
something else?No, I think I'm good.

485
00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:53,707
And I believe you,

486
00:16:53,794 --> 00:16:55,014
and I appreciate all
of this truth-telling.

487
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:57,190
I don't think
you have stuff.

488
00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:58,712
All right.

489
00:16:58,799 --> 00:17:00,366
You're just perfect.

490
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,456
Uh... yeah.

491
00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:04,587
Hey. Scootch.
Oh.

492
00:17:04,674 --> 00:17:06,763
Oh, yeah.
Okay.

493
00:17:06,851 --> 00:17:08,069
So, I texted Tristan.

494
00:17:08,156 --> 00:17:09,680
Oh, o-okay.

495
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:11,682
He said he could get us
into Plague.

496
00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:13,728
JESS:
Oh, that's-that's terrific.Yeah.

497
00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:16,077
Thank you.
Well, just you
and me, of course.

498
00:17:16,164 --> 00:17:19,690
So why don't you ditch that zero
and get with the hero?

499
00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:21,039
The hero is my penis.

500
00:17:21,126 --> 00:17:24,391
Oh. Uh... no.

501
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:26,696
Am I bad?JESS: No.
Hey, Benjamin.

502
00:17:26,784 --> 00:17:28,307
Just leave her alone.

503
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:34,140
Schmidt, your party
is slugs, bro.

504
00:17:34,227 --> 00:17:36,794
All right, you know what?

505
00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:39,884
Schmidt, this party...
is the worst.WINSTON: No, man.

506
00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:41,582
This party is
badass, all right?

507
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:43,278
Don't act like I didn't
see you over there

508
00:17:43,365 --> 00:17:45,064
eating on the charcut...
the charcut... the charcut?

509
00:17:45,151 --> 00:17:46,847
JESS:
Charcuterie.Charcuterie.

510
00:17:46,934 --> 00:17:48,067
Charcuterie. Don't act
like I didn't see you

511
00:17:48,153 --> 00:17:49,372
eating the charcut...Charcuterie.

512
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:50,677
Charcuterie...

513
00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:52,288
Hey, you know what, Curly?

514
00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:53,897
You don't like the bus,
then get off it, pal.

515
00:17:53,984 --> 00:17:56,117
Schmidty's birthday, bud.You guys suck.

516
00:17:56,204 --> 00:17:56,988
Let me talk to
him for a sec.

517
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,119
I'm a lawyer.

518
00:17:58,207 --> 00:17:59,773
Please.She's a lawyer.

519
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:00,949
Hi. Why don't you just
say that one more time?

520
00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:02,211
What? You guys suck?

521
00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:03,646
[groans]

522
00:18:03,733 --> 00:18:04,821
[clamoring]

523
00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:07,303
[blows landing]

524
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:08,347
Look out!
Look out!

525
00:18:08,434 --> 00:18:09,305
Oh![bus crashing]

526
00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:10,740
Whoa!
Oh!

527
00:18:10,827 --> 00:18:12,090
[engine sputtering]

528
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:13,527
Is everyone okay?

529
00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:14,919
Yes. No
worries, Jess.

530
00:18:15,006 --> 00:18:16,269
Is everybody okay?

531
00:18:16,355 --> 00:18:17,661
I'm so sorry.

532
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:18,749
What, are you nuts?

533
00:18:18,836 --> 00:18:20,185
Oh, God.

534
00:18:20,272 --> 00:18:21,796
[Benjamin groaning]

535
00:18:21,883 --> 00:18:24,885
Who are you?

536
00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:32,936
TANYA: Whoo!

537
00:18:33,023 --> 00:18:35,679
JESS: Tanya, please stop
flashing the driver.

538
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:37,855
What, are you like
the Bourne Identityperson?

539
00:18:37,942 --> 00:18:40,118
I've got these iss...

540
00:18:40,205 --> 00:18:42,121
like, these anger
management issues.

541
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:43,686
Anger management?

542
00:18:43,773 --> 00:18:45,124
But I'm trying to fix it.

543
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:46,777
I go to all
these class...

544
00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:48,257
They're court-ordered
classes, but...

545
00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:49,737
And what was, like,
all this stuff you...?

546
00:18:49,824 --> 00:18:51,217
It's martial arts.

547
00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:52,740
I started doing
martial arts,

548
00:18:52,826 --> 00:18:54,523
ironically,
because I thought

549
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:57,961
it would give me a little
bit more Zen in my life.

550
00:18:58,048 --> 00:19:00,226
You must be really
freaked out right now.

551
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:01,791
Yes, I am really freaked out.

552
00:19:01,878 --> 00:19:04,143
I'm so sorry.

553
00:19:08,711 --> 00:19:11,237
I hate that I'm so turned on
by your craziness, but I, um...

554
00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:14,718
Go with it.
I'm going with it.

555
00:19:14,805 --> 00:19:16,633
You guys sure you're cool
waiting for the tow truck?

556
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,026
Yeah, it's fine.
I'll see you back at the loft.

557
00:19:18,113 --> 00:19:19,375
Bye, guys.
Happy birthday.

558
00:19:19,461 --> 00:19:20,855
SCHMIDT:
Thank you.

559
00:19:20,942 --> 00:19:22,335
JESS:
Bye, Julia.
Bye, Bro Juice.

560
00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:23,814
Thank you for that.SCHMIDT: Bro-J, my man.

561
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:26,076
So, it's my birthday.

562
00:19:26,164 --> 00:19:28,340
Right now?
Right now.

563
00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:29,906
Happy birthday.Happy birthday,
Schmidt.

564
00:19:29,993 --> 00:19:31,778
I'm 29, folks.
What's up?

565
00:19:31,865 --> 00:19:33,432
29!

566
00:19:33,519 --> 00:19:34,868
[laughs]

567
00:19:34,955 --> 00:19:36,697
29!

568
00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:39,394
Can you please not tell
anybody I just did that?

569
00:19:39,481 --> 00:19:41,267
That feels embarrassing.

570
00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:43,703
Actually, you know what?
I don't care what people think.

571
00:19:43,790 --> 00:19:46,271
Do you think I care too much
about what people think, Jess?

572
00:19:46,358 --> 00:19:49,144
Maybe a little bit.
Maybe.

573
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:50,884
What? Did you have fun tonight?

574
00:19:50,971 --> 00:19:54,279
'Cause I know it was
a little bit... flawed.

575
00:19:54,366 --> 00:19:55,672
Jess, are you kidding me?

576
00:19:55,759 --> 00:19:59,240
Tonight was...
tens across the board.

577
00:19:59,327 --> 00:20:02,679
No splash.

578
00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:05,595
Good.No. For real, I had...

579
00:20:05,682 --> 00:20:07,596
Nobody's ever done
that for me before.

580
00:20:07,683 --> 00:20:11,035
Any time, Schmidt. Any time.

581
00:20:15,865 --> 00:20:18,694
Schmidt, why are you looking
at me like that?

582
00:20:22,873 --> 00:20:25,006
[laughs]

583
00:20:25,093 --> 00:20:26,573
Shh.

584
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:28,356
[whistling]

585
00:20:28,443 --> 00:20:30,445
'Cause you had... you
had fuzz on your face.

586
00:20:30,532 --> 00:20:32,012
No, no, because
I thought...
Oh, my God.

587
00:20:32,099 --> 00:20:33,231
You had a piece
of fuzz on...
Oh, my God! Jar.

588
00:20:33,318 --> 00:20:34,971
Schmidt!
You had a piece
of fuzz, and...

589
00:20:35,058 --> 00:20:36,322
It was a little piece of fuzz.NICK/WINSTON:
You tried to kiss her?!

590
00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:38,192
It was right there and just...

591
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:40,500
Just put it in the jar,
Schmidt.
Yeah, come on.
No excuses, Schmidt.

592
00:20:40,586 --> 00:20:44,503
Okay. For you...
for you guys.

593
00:20:50,030 --> 00:20:51,858
Happy birthday.

594
00:20:51,945 --> 00:20:53,948
29!

595
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:55,776
Ten more.

596
00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:57,211
Sorry about that.

597
00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:59,474
Ah, Frankie Muniz.

598
00:21:03,522 --> 00:21:05,915
Ooh, Jess, I just found
a Groupon for hypnosis lessons.

599
00:21:06,002 --> 00:21:08,832
Think about what you can do
with that.

600
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:11,704
Sex stuff.
JESS:
Jar.

601
00:21:11,791 --> 00:21:13,315
Look, guys, has anyone seen
my good pea coat?

602
00:21:13,402 --> 00:21:15,577
WINSTON:
Jar!

603
00:21:15,664 --> 00:21:18,451
Have you seen my sharkskin
laptop sleeve?
NICK:
Jar!

604
00:21:18,538 --> 00:21:22,150
Darn it! Has anyone seen
my croquet cleats?

605
00:21:22,237 --> 00:21:26,501
Hey, Jess, have you seen
my other timepiece?

606
00:21:26,588 --> 00:21:29,417
Nick, I came up with the best
name for an uncircumcised penis.

607
00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:32,682
Bishop in a turtleneck.NICK:
Ugh! Jar!

608
00:21:32,769 --> 00:21:34,857
Damn it! I can't find
my driving moccasins anywhere.