1
00:00:02,524 --> 00:00:04,569
[both moaning]

2
00:00:06,788 --> 00:00:08,660
[Paul mumbles]

3
00:00:12,837 --> 00:00:14,013
Meow.

4
00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:15,362
Meow.

5
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,321
[growls]

6
00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:21,716
[sighs]

7
00:00:21,803 --> 00:00:24,153
[door closes]

8
00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:25,416
Wait, wait.

9
00:00:25,503 --> 00:00:26,678
Are we really
gonna do this?

10
00:00:26,765 --> 00:00:29,028
Yes. Yes!
Okay.

11
00:00:29,115 --> 00:00:32,292
♪ Intercourse,
intercourse. ♪

12
00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:33,728
Intercourse.

13
00:00:33,816 --> 00:00:35,078
[chants]:
Intercourse.

14
00:00:35,164 --> 00:00:36,340
[makes crowd noises]

15
00:00:36,426 --> 00:00:37,515
Sorry, that was weird.
[chuckles]

16
00:00:37,601 --> 00:00:38,951
No, no, no.
It's okay.

17
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:39,996
I have to go to the loo.

18
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:41,866
Okay.

19
00:00:43,826 --> 00:00:45,393
Hey, tiger.

20
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:47,264
You're having sex tonight.

21
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:52,616
Don't give me that look,
just do it.

22
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:56,490
I'm sorry.

23
00:00:56,578 --> 00:00:58,145
No. You kidding?

24
00:00:58,231 --> 00:00:59,710
Don't worry about it.

25
00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:02,323
It's fine.

26
00:01:02,409 --> 00:01:04,325
I just haven't had
sex with anyone

27
00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:07,763
but Spencer in six years,
and I get so nervous.

28
00:01:07,849 --> 00:01:11,287
It's like starting a new job
with a really weird interview.

29
00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:13,159
Don't worry about it.
I'm good.

30
00:01:13,246 --> 00:01:14,551
I'm more than good.

31
00:01:14,638 --> 00:01:15,858
It's okay.

32
00:01:15,944 --> 00:01:17,033
You know what?

33
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,164
Tomorrow night.

34
00:01:18,251 --> 00:01:19,513
Let's just go out to dinner

35
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,037
and then just nail each other.

36
00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,472
Just pound each other.

37
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:23,865
V-bomb on the P-bomb.

38
00:01:23,953 --> 00:01:25,259
[makes explosion noise]

39
00:01:25,346 --> 00:01:28,914
I would have the... P-bomb,
right?

40
00:01:29,001 --> 00:01:31,829
♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ Who's that girl?♪

41
00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:33,441
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

42
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:34,920
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. ♪

43
00:01:36,921 --> 00:01:38,706
Yes, I'm confirming
the appointment.

44
00:01:38,793 --> 00:01:40,360
I made the damn appointment.

45
00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:41,536
That's what.. why wouldn't...

46
00:01:41,622 --> 00:01:42,623
Yeah, okay.

47
00:01:42,710 --> 00:01:43,668
Appointment confirmed.

48
00:01:43,754 --> 00:01:46,192
Thank you. Thank you very much.

49
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,890
Yeah, there's not a chance
I'm going.

50
00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:49,195
Can you not do
this to yourself?

51
00:01:49,283 --> 00:01:50,587
Look at your hair,
you look ridiculous.

52
00:01:50,674 --> 00:01:51,633
What am I supposed to talk
about for an hour?

53
00:01:51,719 --> 00:01:52,676
It's a haircut.

54
00:01:52,764 --> 00:01:54,156
No, you're trapped.

55
00:01:54,243 --> 00:01:55,897
You can't move,
and they're standing

56
00:01:55,984 --> 00:01:57,246
behind you with their hands

57
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:58,292
in your hair,
and they expect

58
00:01:58,378 --> 00:01:59,379
you to talk back.

59
00:01:59,466 --> 00:02:02,078
Oh, yeah, it's your baby.

60
00:02:02,165 --> 00:02:03,992
It's cute.

61
00:02:04,079 --> 00:02:06,603
Yeah, your baby's cute.

62
00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:08,911
Okay, I tell you what, man,
just come to my place.

63
00:02:08,997 --> 00:02:10,433
No, I'm not going to
a black barbershop, Winston.

64
00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:13,959
I've seen the movies; I
know how fast they talk.

65
00:02:14,045 --> 00:02:16,265
I don't need to seem
any less cool than I already do.

66
00:02:16,353 --> 00:02:17,137
Want to go to my salon?

67
00:02:17,223 --> 00:02:18,181
Hey, guys.

68
00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:20,182
Hey.So, um...

69
00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:21,879
heads up, Paul's
coming tonight.

70
00:02:21,966 --> 00:02:23,621
And I just wanted to tell you

71
00:02:23,707 --> 00:02:25,753
that I'm gonna tap him
like a maple tree.

72
00:02:25,841 --> 00:02:28,626
I'm gonna be searching
for some syrups.

73
00:02:28,712 --> 00:02:29,974
I'm gonna be having sex
with him.

74
00:02:30,062 --> 00:02:30,932
All right.
All right, hey!

75
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:32,281
Why are you telling us this?

76
00:02:32,368 --> 00:02:33,936
'Cause I want to.
I want to give you

77
00:02:34,022 --> 00:02:35,372
a heads up.
You nervous?
You need tips?

78
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,331
No, I'm not nervous.

79
00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:39,288
Just, you know,
I can drive stick.

80
00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,161
[chuckles]Yeah, 'cause it seems like

81
00:02:41,247 --> 00:02:42,292
you're freaking out
a little bit.

82
00:02:42,378 --> 00:02:43,814
With this whole activity.

83
00:02:43,901 --> 00:02:45,207
That's not stick,
that's automatic.

84
00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:46,426
That's not automatic.

85
00:02:48,558 --> 00:02:50,561
Another bathroom break,
Schmidt?

86
00:02:50,647 --> 00:02:52,084
You know, I've been
timing you all day.

87
00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:53,651
Seven minutes
and 23 seconds.

88
00:02:53,737 --> 00:02:55,478
I wonder what was
going on in there.

89
00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:57,525
Hmm? You pooped.

90
00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:58,917
Can you stop
timing me, please?

91
00:02:59,003 --> 00:03:00,135
It's ridiculous
that you do that.

92
00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:01,092
I will break you.

93
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,443
Hey, Lisa!

94
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:04,052
You were on fire
last night, girl!

95
00:03:04,139 --> 00:03:05,228
I'm taking her job.

96
00:03:05,314 --> 00:03:07,317
What did you do
last night?

97
00:03:07,403 --> 00:03:09,667
Everyone from the office went
to Jill's bachelorette party.

98
00:03:09,753 --> 00:03:11,365
Why don't I get invited places?

99
00:03:11,451 --> 00:03:13,018
Is it because I'm the only man
in the office?

100
00:03:13,104 --> 00:03:15,498
"Man." That's adorable.How is it...

101
00:03:15,586 --> 00:03:16,325
You know, Sarah
got promoted.

102
00:03:16,413 --> 00:03:17,457
Sarah?

103
00:03:17,545 --> 00:03:18,806
With the, with the gums?

104
00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:20,068
Yeah.So she's out of the...

105
00:03:20,156 --> 00:03:22,026
That corner cubicle is free.

106
00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:25,552
[sighs]

107
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,336
So much kick-back space.

108
00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:31,558
And, you know, Gina
personally invited me

109
00:03:31,646 --> 00:03:33,168
to her baby
shower tonight.

110
00:03:33,256 --> 00:03:37,956
So that corner cubicle--
that's all mine.

111
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:39,479
You like a Bond villain?

112
00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:41,045
You just told me
your whole plan.

113
00:03:43,788 --> 00:03:45,007
[chuckles]

114
00:03:47,574 --> 00:03:50,186
[British accent]:
Mr. Darcy's going to love
my new bonnet.

115
00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:52,449
Why are we here?

116
00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:54,058
You don't understand.

117
00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:55,670
You've never been
cheated on before.

118
00:03:55,757 --> 00:03:57,324
Spencer and I never
tried anything new,

119
00:03:57,411 --> 00:04:01,632
and maybe if I'd
been... more erotic...

120
00:04:01,718 --> 00:04:04,592
Spencer cheated on you
because he's a total jerk,

121
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:05,810
not 'cause you're bad in bed.

122
00:04:05,896 --> 00:04:07,594
It's been six years.

123
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:09,509
Everything I know about sex,
I learned from Spencer

124
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,294
or the Clinton impeachment
trials.

125
00:04:11,381 --> 00:04:13,340
MAN:
He used a cigar as a sexual aid

126
00:04:13,426 --> 00:04:14,949
with her in
the Oval Office area...

127
00:04:15,037 --> 00:04:16,430
WOMAN:
Jess!
Mom?!

128
00:04:16,516 --> 00:04:19,519
I'm not listening to NPR.

129
00:04:19,606 --> 00:04:22,130
[whistles]No. No whistle.

130
00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:24,088
It's terrible!

131
00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:27,615
Uh, excusez-moi.

132
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,660
Can I try this on, please?

133
00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:31,271
Oh, the starfish.
You can't try that on.

134
00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:32,228
Health code.

135
00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,317
I'll take it!

136
00:04:34,403 --> 00:04:36,406
Ha!

137
00:04:36,492 --> 00:04:39,060
I hope Paul's packing
some coral polyps,

138
00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:41,454
'cause this starfish is hungry.

139
00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:42,411
[chuckles]

140
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,240
Starfish eat coral polyps.

141
00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:46,677
Just pay, Jess.

142
00:04:46,764 --> 00:04:47,721
So today I'm gonna show you

143
00:04:47,808 --> 00:04:49,158
how to cut your own hair.

144
00:04:49,245 --> 00:04:50,899
Uh, I consider myself...

145
00:04:50,985 --> 00:04:53,031
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell
are you doing, Nick?

146
00:04:53,117 --> 00:04:55,250
It's a haircut!
Human interaction.

147
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:57,731
You're a bartender, you talk
to strangers every single day.

148
00:04:57,819 --> 00:04:59,603
I don't like when they
touch my head, Winston.

149
00:04:59,689 --> 00:05:00,908
I don't like it.

150
00:05:00,995 --> 00:05:02,954
Go to the damn salon!

151
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:04,478
No, it's fine, okay?

152
00:05:04,564 --> 00:05:06,088
I'm learning
how to do it myself.

153
00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:07,307
I'm learning from this video.

154
00:05:08,524 --> 00:05:10,048
[screaming]

155
00:05:10,134 --> 00:05:11,658
Oh!
Oh, my God, man!

156
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,095
[screaming]

157
00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:16,490
I was wondering why
it had so many views.

158
00:05:16,576 --> 00:05:17,360
Let's watch it again.

159
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:19,057
Hey.

160
00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:20,841
[chuckles]
What?

161
00:05:20,928 --> 00:05:23,018
You know, Gina, I was
just walking by and, I mean,

162
00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:26,586
I was literally pulled in here
by the glow.

163
00:05:26,673 --> 00:05:29,502
What do you want, Schmidt?I was just working my tail off

164
00:05:29,589 --> 00:05:31,418
at my cubicle, which, between
you and me, is surrounded

165
00:05:31,504 --> 00:05:33,332
by a couple of chatty Cathys.

166
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:34,550
I mean, that's really
their names.

167
00:05:34,637 --> 00:05:35,725
It's Cathy S. and Cathy G.

168
00:05:35,812 --> 00:05:36,901
Anyway, they won't shut up

169
00:05:36,987 --> 00:05:38,380
about a baby shower tonight

170
00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:41,079
for a certain VP VP.

171
00:05:41,165 --> 00:05:44,865
"Very pregnant vice presidente."

172
00:05:44,952 --> 00:05:46,302
You're the worst.
Seriously, the worst.

173
00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:47,999
Get out.

174
00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:50,045
Gina, honestly,
it would mean so much to me

175
00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:52,394
if you would just let me
come to your baby shower.

176
00:05:52,481 --> 00:05:54,396
Okay, fine.
Come to my baby shower.

177
00:05:54,483 --> 00:05:56,399
I can come? So I'm invited?Yeah.

178
00:05:56,485 --> 00:05:57,225
Yeah, you're invited.All right.

179
00:05:57,312 --> 00:05:58,444
I saw your registry.

180
00:05:58,531 --> 00:06:00,141
I'm gonna get you one of those

181
00:06:00,228 --> 00:06:01,577
portable baby pumps.
You're just out there

182
00:06:01,665 --> 00:06:02,927
in every day life,
but you're pumping yourself

183
00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:04,101
at the same time, you know.

184
00:06:04,189 --> 00:06:05,755
Just milking away. Just...
[makes shooting noises]

185
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:06,627
Get out.Okay, I'm gonna go.

186
00:06:10,194 --> 00:06:11,283
Why don't we meet here at 8:00?

187
00:06:11,370 --> 00:06:12,415
PAUL:
Great. Okay.

188
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:13,937
Uh, where's the place?

189
00:06:14,024 --> 00:06:15,983
Um, I think it's in Koreatown.

190
00:06:16,071 --> 00:06:17,420
Let me check.

191
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,814
Ooh, exotic.

192
00:06:19,901 --> 00:06:20,901
[sighs]

193
00:06:20,988 --> 00:06:22,860
Let me see here.

194
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:23,992
[woman shrieks,
whip cracks over computer]

195
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,036
[man moans]

196
00:06:25,122 --> 00:06:26,689
PAUL:
Jess?

197
00:06:26,776 --> 00:06:27,822
What?

198
00:06:27,908 --> 00:06:30,040
Oh, um...

199
00:06:30,127 --> 00:06:31,608
Sorry, uh...

200
00:06:31,694 --> 00:06:32,870
Can I call you back?

201
00:06:32,956 --> 00:06:34,524
Yeah.

202
00:06:34,610 --> 00:06:36,918
[man and woman moaning,
speaking Spanish]

203
00:06:37,004 --> 00:06:37,875
[key clicks, video stops]

204
00:06:37,961 --> 00:06:39,963
Hey, Schmidt!

205
00:06:40,050 --> 00:06:42,531
Can I borrow your computer?

206
00:06:43,706 --> 00:06:45,534
Nick? Winston?

207
00:06:47,536 --> 00:06:48,711
[key clicks, video resumes]

208
00:06:48,798 --> 00:06:50,409
[man and woman moaning,
speaking Spanish]

209
00:06:50,497 --> 00:06:51,540
[whip cracks]

210
00:06:51,627 --> 00:06:53,848
[chuckles]

211
00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:55,110
What?

212
00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:56,677
[mechanical buzzing]

213
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:58,678
[woman shrieks, man chuckles]

214
00:06:58,766 --> 00:07:00,810
What?

215
00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:03,726
[man laughs, whip cracks]

216
00:07:03,814 --> 00:07:05,033
Hey, do you have
my comput...

217
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,687
Oh, my computer.

218
00:07:07,774 --> 00:07:09,341
I have your computer.I can see that.

219
00:07:09,428 --> 00:07:11,343
Hey, I got to cram
for this baby shower.

220
00:07:11,430 --> 00:07:13,170
Can I, can I
have it back?

221
00:07:13,257 --> 00:07:15,129
I've been watching porn.

222
00:07:15,216 --> 00:07:17,524
You...
[chuckles]

223
00:07:17,610 --> 00:07:19,829
I found your red folder.

224
00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:21,440
How-How long you been
doing that for? Are you okay?

225
00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:23,399
Five and a half hours.

226
00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:26,488
[horse neighs]

227
00:07:26,576 --> 00:07:28,403
Wow. Uh, you went
deep, Jess.

228
00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:29,404
Real deep.

229
00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:30,492
Help me, guys.

230
00:07:30,579 --> 00:07:31,711
I have 15 minutes.

231
00:07:31,798 --> 00:07:33,800
Teach me how to be good at sex.

232
00:07:37,978 --> 00:07:39,459
I just, I have to
go on this date right now

233
00:07:39,545 --> 00:07:42,286
and I can't do it.
I'm freaking out, okay?

234
00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:44,768
I need all of you
to sit in front of me

235
00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:46,856
and tell me what guys like
in bed, right now.

236
00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:48,250
What do you want to know?

237
00:07:48,336 --> 00:07:49,293
Okay.

238
00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:51,687
Um, when you're...

239
00:07:51,774 --> 00:07:53,168
if you're in the...

240
00:07:53,254 --> 00:07:55,778
if you're holding the...

241
00:07:55,865 --> 00:07:56,779
Start over.

242
00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:58,564
Um...

243
00:07:58,651 --> 00:08:00,480
when you reach...

244
00:08:03,656 --> 00:08:04,918
...completion...

245
00:08:05,005 --> 00:08:06,137
Yeah, that was it.Completion?

246
00:08:06,223 --> 00:08:07,269
No! No, wait.I can't do this, Jess.

247
00:08:07,355 --> 00:08:08,444
Come on. Come back here.

248
00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:10,925
Jess, guys want to
be whisked away.

249
00:08:11,012 --> 00:08:12,143
They want to
be enchanted.

250
00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:13,362
Just take your
clothes off, Jess.

251
00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:14,884
Do you think that Paul

252
00:08:14,971 --> 00:08:16,625
watches stuff like that?

253
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,149
All the time.
For sure.

254
00:08:18,235 --> 00:08:19,149
Probably watching it
right now.

255
00:08:19,237 --> 00:08:20,194
Really? Okay.

256
00:08:20,281 --> 00:08:21,413
I put this on mute,

257
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:22,502
because this girl's...

258
00:08:22,588 --> 00:08:24,112
like, pretty loud.

259
00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:25,853
And, um, my main thing

260
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,245
that I took away was,

261
00:08:27,331 --> 00:08:29,725
gosh, that young lady can

262
00:08:29,812 --> 00:08:30,944
really multitask.

263
00:08:31,031 --> 00:08:32,076
Super normal...
She's a pro.

264
00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:33,207
...what she's doing.I don't know

265
00:08:33,294 --> 00:08:34,514
if every girl's like that,

266
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:35,514
but she's a pro.Was wondering

267
00:08:35,601 --> 00:08:36,994
if there are any trendy moves.

268
00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:38,735
'Cause I've been
doing the same four

269
00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:42,086
for the last six years, like...

270
00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:43,957
Uh, and you know,
like, uh...

271
00:08:44,044 --> 00:08:45,001
[groans]

272
00:08:45,088 --> 00:08:46,481
That one.

273
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,875
And I don't know.

274
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,441
Do you think that Paul would be

275
00:08:49,528 --> 00:08:51,573
into, like,
something like that?

276
00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:53,793
What, a little
light choking?

277
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,970
I'm gonna bet Paul is into
some pretty dark stuff.

278
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:58,101
Light choking, really?No one's doing that.

279
00:08:58,188 --> 00:09:00,061
You know what, Nick,
maybe you're hooking up with

280
00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:02,105
the wrong kind of girl.Apparently, I'm hooking up

281
00:09:02,192 --> 00:09:03,759
with the right girl, Schmidt,
because they don't choke me.

282
00:09:03,846 --> 00:09:05,370
Nick is a meat and potatoes
kind of guy.

283
00:09:05,456 --> 00:09:07,328
Winston and I...Don't want to be a part of this.

284
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:08,330
...we're sushi.So you guys really think

285
00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:09,287
you're better
at sex than me.

286
00:09:09,374 --> 00:09:11,201
Yeah.Absolutely.

287
00:09:11,288 --> 00:09:12,769
What did you do after
you lost your virginity?
What did you say to me?

288
00:09:12,855 --> 00:09:14,075
Don't say that right now.
You're taking it out of context.

289
00:09:14,162 --> 00:09:15,379
He said, "Winston,
is it okay that

290
00:09:15,466 --> 00:09:17,426
I didn't get my pants
all the way off?"

291
00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:18,948
That's a true story.
That really happened.

292
00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:20,690
I was 16 years old.

293
00:09:20,777 --> 00:09:22,735
And I've gotten a lot better.

294
00:09:22,822 --> 00:09:24,389
You haven't gotten that much
better. I used to listen

295
00:09:24,475 --> 00:09:26,216
to you and Caroline
all the time in college.

296
00:09:26,303 --> 00:09:27,870
It was like listening
to a rescue crew

297
00:09:27,957 --> 00:09:30,918
trying to communicate
with a stranded miner.

298
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:33,224
"Are you okay?"

299
00:09:33,311 --> 00:09:36,139
"Yeah. Are you okay?"

300
00:09:36,226 --> 00:09:37,402
"Yeah."Hey, guys,

301
00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:38,490
I don't have much time.

302
00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:39,665
Can we get this back on track?

303
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:41,711
I need to know
what to do.

304
00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:44,148
Would flicking be,
like, a cool thing?

305
00:09:44,235 --> 00:09:45,496
No.

306
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:46,759
No!Absolutely not.

307
00:09:46,846 --> 00:09:47,847
How about role play?

308
00:09:47,934 --> 00:09:48,979
Do you know any voices?

309
00:09:49,066 --> 00:09:50,633
Yes. I can do

310
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,634
an old-timey newscaster, like,
"Hey there, son,

311
00:09:52,721 --> 00:09:54,418
I'm gonna kick you
into next Tuesday, see?"

312
00:09:54,505 --> 00:09:57,118
You're telling me, for
the last 15 years, you've been

313
00:09:57,205 --> 00:09:59,467
thinking I'm bad at sex.
I'm fantastic at sex.

314
00:09:59,554 --> 00:10:00,730
Dude, you're scared
to get a haircut.

315
00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:02,514
Yeah, I don't like
getting a haircut!

316
00:10:02,601 --> 00:10:04,515
It's too intimate. What does
that have to do with sex?

317
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,952
Okay, Jess, here's
what you're gonna do.

318
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:07,606
You got a question,
just come to me because

319
00:10:07,693 --> 00:10:09,956
I'm obviously the best.No, you're not the best.

320
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:12,437
Jess, who do you think, of the
three of us, is the best at sex?

321
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:14,788
Yes.
And take emotion
out of it.

322
00:10:14,875 --> 00:10:16,876
No one's feelings
are gonna get hurt.

323
00:10:16,963 --> 00:10:18,835
Go with your gut.Especially, you know,
Nick and Winston's.

324
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:20,183
No, I'm not doing this.

325
00:10:20,270 --> 00:10:21,924
Say a name.Go with your gut.

326
00:10:22,011 --> 00:10:23,100
[knock on door]

327
00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:24,318
Oh. Oh!

328
00:10:24,405 --> 00:10:25,450
Hey! Paul!

329
00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,235
Hey, Paul.

330
00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:30,586
Hey.PAUL: Hey.

331
00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:32,893
Hey, goose.

332
00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:34,981
Hey, goose.

333
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:37,114
[chuckles]

334
00:10:37,201 --> 00:10:38,985
JESS:
I'm gonna go get
ready in my room.

335
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:40,682
Okay.I'll be back.

336
00:10:40,769 --> 00:10:41,815
I'll just hang out
with the guys.
Cool.

337
00:10:41,902 --> 00:10:43,293
Hey, guys.

338
00:10:43,380 --> 00:10:44,513
What's up?What's up?

339
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,774
What's up, Paul?Oh, you're

340
00:10:45,861 --> 00:10:46,732
looking at me like, "what?"

341
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,342
I should tell you.

342
00:10:48,429 --> 00:10:50,301
Um, "Goose" is short for
"me gusta Jess."

343
00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:51,868
[chuckles]Of course.
Come here, sit down, man.

344
00:11:11,582 --> 00:11:14,150
Thank you.

345
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:16,197
I am so tired of people
being so careful with me.

346
00:11:16,283 --> 00:11:18,198
It's like, I am 40
and I am pregnant.

347
00:11:18,286 --> 00:11:19,634
I am not made
out of crackers.

348
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,811
[laughing]
[laughs]

349
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:24,118
Hey, ladies.
What are you guys talking about?

350
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,163
Afterbirth.
Afterbirth.

351
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,687
That's like the,
the party you guys have

352
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:29,731
after you have the baby...

353
00:11:29,818 --> 00:11:32,081
Sort of.You know, I'd... I'd like
to be invited to that.

354
00:11:32,168 --> 00:11:33,822
You know what they say, "An
afterbirth ain't an afterbirth

355
00:11:33,909 --> 00:11:35,912
without some Schmidt
up in there."

356
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:38,261
Schmidt? Come here.I'm gonna talk to you
in a little bit.

357
00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:39,610
What are you doing?I'm rocking this party, Beth.

358
00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:40,787
Watch this.

359
00:11:43,658 --> 00:11:47,315
Hi. How's everybody doing?

360
00:11:47,402 --> 00:11:50,840
You know, I just, I just wanted
to take a moment to, well,

361
00:11:50,927 --> 00:11:52,624
to say how honored I am
to celebrate

362
00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:54,931
the journey of Bogart

363
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:57,499
through Gina,
and out and into the light.

364
00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:59,153
Here's to elective C-sections!

365
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,503
[women cheering]

366
00:12:05,332 --> 00:12:07,291
Just face it, baby.

367
00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:09,206
You don't know the
first thing about women.

368
00:12:09,293 --> 00:12:11,860
Ah, you're the best, Beth.
I don't know if you know this

369
00:12:11,947 --> 00:12:14,690
about me, but I was in
two frats in college.

370
00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:16,518
Want to know why?

371
00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:18,172
'Cause I just couldn't decide.

372
00:12:18,259 --> 00:12:21,217
Hey, ladies!
Let's get this party started!

373
00:12:21,304 --> 00:12:22,697
[cheering]

374
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:26,658
♪ ♪

375
00:12:26,745 --> 00:12:28,878
We're all getting drunk tonight!
Except for you, Gina.

376
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,575
Horribly irresponsible.

377
00:12:32,576 --> 00:12:34,754
[classical piano plays]

378
00:12:37,712 --> 00:12:39,671
So, I'm looking forward
to having sex tonight.

379
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,890
Yeah. Me, too.

380
00:12:41,977 --> 00:12:44,676
Sex is the bomb.
[chuckles]

381
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:48,201
Sorry. That sounded like
a guy from Entourage.

382
00:12:48,288 --> 00:12:49,551
Do you like porn?

383
00:12:49,638 --> 00:12:52,075
No. Do you?

384
00:12:54,294 --> 00:12:55,904
Yeah, I mean, I... Yeah.

385
00:12:55,991 --> 00:12:57,864
I do, I do like pornos.

386
00:12:57,951 --> 00:12:59,691
Yeah, you know,
when my imagination

387
00:12:59,778 --> 00:13:01,823
isn't really working...

388
00:13:01,910 --> 00:13:05,393
or I've exhausted, uh,
the bull pen.

389
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,221
I just find it very erotic.

390
00:13:07,307 --> 00:13:09,918
And then I just love, like...

391
00:13:10,005 --> 00:13:13,226
everything that's erotic.

392
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:19,537
♪ ♪

393
00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:21,278
SCHMIDT:
Yeah, party!

394
00:13:21,365 --> 00:13:22,539
Party, yeah!

395
00:13:22,626 --> 00:13:23,846
Yeah, Gina! Yeah!

396
00:13:23,932 --> 00:13:25,934
Baby wants his bottle! Yeah!

397
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:27,937
SCHMIDT [laughing]:
Party!

398
00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:32,594
[cheering, laughing]

399
00:13:35,726 --> 00:13:37,467
WOMEN [chanting]:
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

400
00:13:37,554 --> 00:13:41,168
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
Schmidt! Schmidt!

401
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:43,344
[cheering]

402
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:46,173
Ah-ha! Yeah!

403
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,304
This is so weird!
[laughing]

404
00:13:48,392 --> 00:13:49,653
I love it!

405
00:13:49,740 --> 00:13:52,265
[yells]

406
00:13:52,352 --> 00:13:54,094
[Schmidt laughing, women gasp]

407
00:14:01,927 --> 00:14:04,365
I'm having a baby!

408
00:14:04,451 --> 00:14:05,888
[wild cheering]

409
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:07,062
She's having a baby!

410
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,851
Yeah!

411
00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:20,467
...the things people say
sometimes, I don't really...

412
00:14:20,554 --> 00:14:22,034
write it, but I think...

413
00:14:22,121 --> 00:14:23,471
Are we going to do this?

414
00:14:23,557 --> 00:14:25,951
Yeah. Definitely.
Sit down.

415
00:14:26,038 --> 00:14:28,171
Okay.

416
00:14:31,130 --> 00:14:34,568
Whoa, wow.

417
00:14:34,655 --> 00:14:36,004
[imitates old-timey newscaster]:
You are hot, hot, hot.

418
00:14:36,091 --> 00:14:39,225
Thank you.Hello, weather service? Oh!

419
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:43,056
There's a heat wave from
Portsmouth to Port, Kansas!

420
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:45,405
I don't know, I don't...
what is happening.

421
00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:47,059
We're talking dirty, slim.

422
00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:49,062
Oh, okay. You want me to do...
you're doing a voice.

423
00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:51,455
You want me to do a voice?
Okay, um...

424
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:54,719
Well, I'm so happy
to be here!

425
00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:56,677
Jimmy Stewart?

426
00:14:56,764 --> 00:15:00,159
[as Jimmy Stewart]:
You look ravishing in your...

427
00:15:00,246 --> 00:15:01,725
netting...

428
00:15:01,812 --> 00:15:03,553
contraption.Thank you very much.

429
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,860
Now, why don't you let me
see your little caboose?

430
00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:07,644
Okay, here.
Let me go ahead and...

431
00:15:07,731 --> 00:15:08,951
Your caboose.
Oh, okay.

432
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:10,605
Your butt.
Oh, my butt! Okay.

433
00:15:10,692 --> 00:15:12,868
Here's my caboose!

434
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,739
Oh, happy birthday, me!

435
00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:17,654
I... Oh.
Oh, my God,
oh, my God.

436
00:15:17,741 --> 00:15:20,179
I'm so sorry.
Is that okay?No, it was great.

437
00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:22,703
[as Jimmy Stewart]:
It felt so good,
and sensual.

438
00:15:22,791 --> 00:15:24,488
Hey!You want me to wiggle it around?

439
00:15:24,575 --> 00:15:28,100
How about you help me get
a little more comfortable?

440
00:15:28,187 --> 00:15:30,451
Oh. Oh, all right, dear.

441
00:15:30,538 --> 00:15:32,192
Okay, I just don't know
where to...

442
00:15:32,278 --> 00:15:34,149
I'm going to try
something different.Oh. Okay, great.

443
00:15:34,236 --> 00:15:35,934
[imitates old woman]:
Young man!

444
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:39,198
Young man, the things
I'm gonna do to you!

445
00:15:39,286 --> 00:15:43,594
Well, I can't wait to...Young man,
don't take all day.

446
00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:47,033
Well, I-I understand, ma'am, but
you're wearing chain mail here.

447
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,556
I am not getting any younger.

448
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:50,600
It's like an erotic
rope course.

449
00:15:50,687 --> 00:15:53,038
Okay, I...
let me try up here.

450
00:15:53,125 --> 00:15:54,996
I think it's...I can't do the voice

451
00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:57,086
and get this off
at the same time...
Okay.

452
00:15:57,173 --> 00:15:59,827
Oh. Is that, are you okay?Yes.

453
00:15:59,914 --> 00:16:02,004
Wow, this is a...

454
00:16:02,091 --> 00:16:05,268
[deep voice]:
I'm gonna split you like a log!

455
00:16:05,355 --> 00:16:06,966
[yelling]

456
00:16:07,052 --> 00:16:08,402
Okay. What are you...
wait, hold on. What is that?

457
00:16:08,489 --> 00:16:11,274
It's a lumberjack.

458
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,493
Hold on one second.

459
00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:14,102
Can we just... start over,

460
00:16:14,190 --> 00:16:16,062
and just kind of go back
to basics for a minute?

461
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:17,846
Just you and me.

462
00:16:17,932 --> 00:16:19,239
Okay.
Okay.

463
00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:21,588
Just our regular voices.[laughs]

464
00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:23,938
All right.

465
00:16:37,125 --> 00:16:38,998
See? So nice.

466
00:16:40,695 --> 00:16:43,914
[choking]:
So nice...

467
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,047
[Paul choking]

468
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:46,701
Ah, you're hurting me.

469
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,442
Oh, my God!
[gasping]

470
00:16:48,528 --> 00:16:50,573
Oh, God.

471
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:52,272
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah,
I'm good, I'm good!

472
00:16:52,359 --> 00:16:53,837
[gasping]Let me get you some water.

473
00:16:53,924 --> 00:16:55,230
Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna
get some water at home.

474
00:16:55,317 --> 00:16:58,321
I-I have good water at home.No, no, no, I have water here.

475
00:16:58,408 --> 00:17:00,062
I have a filter,
it's a special ionized filter...

476
00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:01,629
I got at home.

477
00:17:08,896 --> 00:17:11,203
Oh, I'm so glad you convinced me
to go to your barbershop.

478
00:17:11,290 --> 00:17:14,597
Wow, man. I... it
actually looks really good.

479
00:17:14,684 --> 00:17:16,861
Right? I look good.

480
00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:19,167
And I loved it in there. You
think they liked me in there?

481
00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:20,473
I think they loved
you in there, man.

482
00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:22,127
NICK:
Okay, good.

483
00:17:22,214 --> 00:17:24,259
How'd it go?Is he still in there, Jess?

484
00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:29,090
There's no more tea.

485
00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:31,484
I forgot to buy tea.

486
00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:44,888
[softly]:
Hello.

487
00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:50,939
Where's...

488
00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:52,635
where's the door?

489
00:17:55,638 --> 00:17:56,901
Hey.

490
00:17:56,988 --> 00:18:00,122
What's up, Jess?

491
00:18:00,209 --> 00:18:02,124
You okay, Jess?

492
00:18:02,211 --> 00:18:03,994
I messed up.

493
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,997
He ran away. He got scared.

494
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,651
Why would he be scared?

495
00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:09,609
Because I choked him.

496
00:18:09,696 --> 00:18:11,654
I lightly choked him.

497
00:18:11,741 --> 00:18:13,440
Wow.

498
00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:15,571
That's what happens when
you listen to Schmidt.

499
00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:17,269
It's just...
when I was with Spencer,

500
00:18:17,356 --> 00:18:19,184
I just didn't even think
about this stuff, you know?

501
00:18:19,271 --> 00:18:22,144
I just did it.
Okay.

502
00:18:22,230 --> 00:18:24,058
Here's the thing.

503
00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:25,886
You gotta stop
thinking about it.

504
00:18:25,973 --> 00:18:27,584
Just relax, and be yourself.

505
00:18:27,671 --> 00:18:28,846
You're awesome.

506
00:18:28,932 --> 00:18:30,152
What do you think, Winston?

507
00:18:30,239 --> 00:18:32,153
Why are you asking Winston?

508
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:33,981
Because, Nick,
look at your hair.

509
00:18:34,068 --> 00:18:35,896
You really don't look like
someone who's good at sex.

510
00:18:35,983 --> 00:18:37,811
I can't believe
you just said that.

511
00:18:37,898 --> 00:18:39,552
Here's what you do. You're
gonna stop worrying about it.

512
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,163
Completely.Yeah. That's really good.

513
00:18:42,250 --> 00:18:43,861
That's literally
what I just said.

514
00:18:43,948 --> 00:18:45,036
What are you worried about,
anyway?

515
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,299
Paul doesn't care what you do.

516
00:18:47,386 --> 00:18:49,127
I've seen the way
that boy looks at you.

517
00:18:49,214 --> 00:18:50,954
And he is crazy about you.

518
00:18:51,041 --> 00:18:52,260
I agree, I...
Shh.

519
00:18:52,347 --> 00:18:54,654
I'm trying to listen
to Winston.

520
00:18:54,741 --> 00:18:57,440
[knocking on door]

521
00:18:57,527 --> 00:18:59,398
Oh, hi!
Hi.

522
00:18:59,486 --> 00:19:01,314
Paul.Hey, Winston.

523
00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:02,618
Can I talk to you
for a minute?

524
00:19:02,705 --> 00:19:04,534
Yeah.

525
00:19:04,621 --> 00:19:06,710
We'll...
step into my office.

526
00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:08,451
Okay. Hey, Nick.
NICK:
Okay.

527
00:19:11,627 --> 00:19:13,847
Um...

528
00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:16,241
Hi.
Hi.

529
00:19:18,068 --> 00:19:20,768
So, last night was, um...No, I'm so sorry.

530
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:23,162
No, no, don't, please...Unacceptable.

531
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:25,859
I'm really intimidated
by you, Jess.

532
00:19:25,946 --> 00:19:28,123
You're so experienced, and I've
never done any of that stuff,

533
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:31,170
that S & M style...
bondage stuff.

534
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,519
It scares me a little,
but I...

535
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,869
want to do it, because I know
that you're into it.

536
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:39,221
Just please be gentle
with me at first, okay?

537
00:19:39,307 --> 00:19:41,135
I really like you.

538
00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:43,616
Really?

539
00:19:43,703 --> 00:19:45,531
Yeah, I do.

540
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,316
And nothing else matters.

541
00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:50,276
[sighs]
Except, just...

542
00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:53,060
no fire, and no handcuffs,
please. Please, please, please.

543
00:19:53,147 --> 00:19:55,367
Okay? And I'm allergic to felt.

544
00:19:55,454 --> 00:19:56,933
And most polyurethanes.

545
00:19:57,020 --> 00:19:59,546
Okay, well, that's it.

546
00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:04,028
And no bugs, too,
I don't know if that was...

547
00:20:04,115 --> 00:20:05,203
[elevator bell dings]
Paul.

548
00:20:05,290 --> 00:20:06,465
Wait. Um...

549
00:20:09,990 --> 00:20:13,429
Last night was kind of a...
low point for me. I mean...

550
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:17,651
I'm not really into that stuff.
I just... I thought that

551
00:20:17,738 --> 00:20:20,219
whatever I used to do
wouldn't be good enough,

552
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:23,003
or sexy enough,
or advanced enough,

553
00:20:23,090 --> 00:20:24,701
and that's why I did that...Oh no!

554
00:20:24,788 --> 00:20:25,962
Sorry.
Oh, no. No, it's okay,
it just surprised me

555
00:20:26,049 --> 00:20:29,663
a little bit.
I just...

556
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,055
I like you.

557
00:20:34,624 --> 00:20:37,584
Well, good.

558
00:20:37,671 --> 00:20:39,499
I'll walk you down.

559
00:20:39,586 --> 00:20:41,848
Okay.

560
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,073
Oh! Um, the new trombones
came in...

561
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,510
Paul...

562
00:21:12,227 --> 00:21:15,185
[gasping, kissing]

563
00:21:15,273 --> 00:21:18,015
[emergency stop alarm buzzes]

564
00:21:18,102 --> 00:21:20,278
You know that doesn't speed it
up when you do that.

565
00:21:20,365 --> 00:21:21,888
I know, I know.

566
00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:23,281
[elevator bell dings]

567
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:26,285
We're about to go
see a movie.

568
00:21:26,372 --> 00:21:27,763
You guys want to come?

569
00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:30,244
Sure.
Sure.

570
00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:32,551
Hey, Jess?
Is that your shoe?

571
00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:38,426
Boy, your haircut
look like a high-rise.

572
00:21:38,513 --> 00:21:41,211
[laughing]

573
00:21:41,299 --> 00:21:43,345
Where the penthouse at?

574
00:21:43,432 --> 00:21:45,607
Hey, old man, what,
did you steal those pants

575
00:21:45,694 --> 00:21:47,261
off of Danny Glover's
grandfather?

576
00:21:47,348 --> 00:21:49,612
[Nick laughing]

577
00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:55,923
I am Danny Glover's grandfather.

578
00:21:56,009 --> 00:21:57,794
I'm a big fan of his work.

579
00:21:57,881 --> 00:21:59,404
He's great
in the Lethal Weapons.

580
00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:04,410
No, I'm not.[laughing]