1
00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:05,309
♪ Fourth Thursday in November ♪

2
00:00:05,395 --> 00:00:08,311
♪ That is when
we must remember ♪

3
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♪ How the Pilgrims
would have died ♪

4
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♪ If not for friendship
of a tribe... ♪

5
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Hi.Hi. Thank you so much

6
00:00:16,407 --> 00:00:19,844
for helping backstage
this year.

7
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Really, it's made
such a difference.

8
00:00:22,196 --> 00:00:23,806
That's nice.
Yeah.

9
00:00:23,893 --> 00:00:26,547
How... how is your boyfriend?

10
00:00:26,635 --> 00:00:28,245
We broke up.
Oh, sorry.

11
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Good riddance! Just kidding.

12
00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:30,899
Oh.

13
00:00:30,986 --> 00:00:33,250
What are you doing
for Thanksgiving?

14
00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,557
Well, I always spend it
with my grandmother...

15
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That's so nice.but she just died.

16
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Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

17
00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:40,692
That's terrible. When?

18
00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:42,302
Well, it was about a month ago.

19
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It was while I was writing
the Halloween madrigal.

20
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No wonder it was so deep.

21
00:00:45,828 --> 00:00:46,959
♪ What's it all about? ♪

22
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♪ Is there any point? ♪

23
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♪ Do we start dying ♪

24
00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:57,143
♪ The moment we are born...? ♪

25
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Well, I better go
warm up the gourds.

26
00:01:01,973 --> 00:01:03,411
Paul!

27
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:05,152
Yeah?

28
00:01:09,504 --> 00:01:11,027
Well... Oh!

29
00:01:11,114 --> 00:01:12,768
What is that?

30
00:01:12,855 --> 00:01:15,248
I went to five grocery stores,

31
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and I got the last turkey
in America.

32
00:01:18,686 --> 00:01:19,948
No, Jess, we're not doing
Thanksgiving, okay?

33
00:01:20,036 --> 00:01:21,298
We talked about this.

34
00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:22,646
We're just gonna
watch football, drink beer

35
00:01:22,734 --> 00:01:24,170
and then we are going

36
00:01:24,257 --> 00:01:25,867
to Best Buy for Black Friday.

37
00:01:25,954 --> 00:01:27,609
Or as I like to
call it, "Friday."

38
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It's our thing, Jess.
It's Dudesgiving.

39
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Okay, no matter how
many e-mails you send,
that's not a thing.

40
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It's real, man.
It's totally real.It's not real.

41
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:35,834
We're not calling
it that.

42
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,575
It has been two years since I've
had an American Thanksgiving.

43
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We talked about this.Look, it's not a big deal.

44
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I'm just cooking dinner
for you guys... and Paul.

45
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What?
What?

46
00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:44,887
Hmm? What?Did you say "and Paul"?

47
00:01:44,973 --> 00:01:47,628
Who's Paul?

48
00:01:47,716 --> 00:01:49,847
Did you invite somebody
named Paul to our house?

49
00:01:49,935 --> 00:01:51,763
Yes, I did.
I asked someone out.

50
00:01:51,849 --> 00:01:54,287
Asked someone out?

51
00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:56,246
Jess, be honest--
is the turkey named Paul?

52
00:01:56,332 --> 00:01:57,942
It's a real guy.

53
00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,989
And he teaches
at my school.

54
00:02:00,075 --> 00:02:02,774
And he's really, really hot!

55
00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:07,474
And the turkey is named Hank--
Hanksgiving.

56
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:10,782
And we are gonna eat him, so...

57
00:02:10,868 --> 00:02:12,436
Hanksgiving.

58
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♪ Hey, girl ♪

59
00:02:15,264 --> 00:02:18,573
♪ What you doing? ♪

60
00:02:18,659 --> 00:02:20,662
♪ Hey, girl ♪

61
00:02:20,748 --> 00:02:23,664
♪ Where you going? ♪

62
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♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ Who's that girl?♪

63
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,669
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

64
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♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. ♪

65
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Don't worry, guys,
I will do everything.

66
00:02:37,504 --> 00:02:39,420
Are we gonna be
able to hang out

67
00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:41,247
with Paul or is
he also a teacher?

68
00:02:41,335 --> 00:02:42,509
No, he's a total guy's guy.

69
00:02:42,597 --> 00:02:43,685
He normally spends Thanksgiving
with his nana,

70
00:02:43,771 --> 00:02:44,902
but she just passed away.

71
00:02:44,990 --> 00:02:46,209
That's a great
plan, Jess,

72
00:02:46,295 --> 00:02:48,168
be the girl who
replaces his dead nana.

73
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I know!

74
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:52,301
Guys, look, this
is a bad idea.

75
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:53,824
He's gonna be our fifth
roommate, I'm telling you.

76
00:02:53,912 --> 00:02:55,175
It's a first date.

77
00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:57,307
We don't know him, okay?
We got to figure out

78
00:02:57,394 --> 00:02:58,961
whether or not he's
the right guy for us.

79
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We deserve to be happy.

80
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You guys,
don't even get up.

81
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,923
Just enjoy your beers.
It's gonna be a great meal.

82
00:03:05,009 --> 00:03:06,576
Just curious, does anybody know
anything about cooking?

83
00:03:06,663 --> 00:03:08,361
Mm-mmm.No pressure.

84
00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:10,276
Just, like, cooking a turkey,
for example.

85
00:03:10,364 --> 00:03:12,235
It says you need
some kind of string.

86
00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:13,801
Trussing string.Don't, Schmidt!

87
00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:15,717
That's a good turkey tip.
You got more?

88
00:03:15,804 --> 00:03:17,283
Here's a tip: Don't cook
Thanksgiving dinner

89
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for five people in 14 hours.

90
00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:22,376
Here's another tip: Don't ask
a guy out on a first date

91
00:03:22,462 --> 00:03:24,681
on the least sexy holiday
in America.

92
00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:27,075
What are the most sexy holidays?

93
00:03:27,163 --> 00:03:28,772
The most sexy holidays
are Fourth of July,

94
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,298
uh, Independence Day,
obviously,

95
00:03:31,384 --> 00:03:34,562
Women's History Month
and Christmas.

96
00:03:34,649 --> 00:03:36,259
Will you help me?No, definitely not.

97
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:38,566
What if I invite Cece?

98
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,784
Don't do it, Schmidt.
Beer, football, Black Friday.

99
00:03:40,872 --> 00:03:41,872
Thanksgiving with Cece.

100
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,353
No, Schmidt.
Okay.

101
00:03:43,439 --> 00:03:44,876
No, no!
No, Schmidt!

102
00:03:44,962 --> 00:03:46,704
But I want to let you know
up front that I've got

103
00:03:46,790 --> 00:03:48,489
some control issues
in the kitchen,

104
00:03:48,575 --> 00:03:50,403
so I'm gonna do this,
I'm cooking the whole meal.

105
00:03:50,490 --> 00:03:51,883
I don't want you touching
anything.

106
00:03:51,969 --> 00:03:53,623
And I don't want to hear,
"Schmidt, Schmidt,

107
00:03:53,711 --> 00:03:55,191
you're using too much tarragon,"
because I'm not.

108
00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:56,584
You will never hear that
from me.

109
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:57,454
I'm in.

110
00:03:57,540 --> 00:04:00,195
Come on, Schmidt!Yes!

111
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,459
So, this guy's gonna thaw out
by tomorrow, right?

112
00:04:02,545 --> 00:04:04,156
What are we,
scientists?

113
00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:08,509
Oh!

114
00:04:08,596 --> 00:04:09,771
Hey, look at that,
it's ready.

115
00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:12,687
What am I gonna do?!
He comes in three hours!

116
00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:15,819
Oh, God,
I can't get it in!

117
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:17,125
We've all been
here, am I right?

118
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:18,692
Jar.

119
00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:25,874
Maybe if I take off all my
clothes and I get in bed with

120
00:04:25,961 --> 00:04:28,005
him, the heat of my body
will warm it up.

121
00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:30,922
I'm not gonna lie. This is
turning me on a little bit.It is?

122
00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:33,490
Hey, guys.Cece! Thank God.
Come down here

123
00:04:33,576 --> 00:04:34,622
and lie on the turkey with me.

124
00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:36,014
Oh, hell, yeah,
do that.

125
00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:38,365
Yeah, do it.
That'd be good.

126
00:04:38,451 --> 00:04:40,627
This is a terrible idea.Yeah, 100%.

127
00:04:43,978 --> 00:04:45,240
I put it on
permanent press.

128
00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:47,461
Good, so you don't
have to iron it.

129
00:04:47,548 --> 00:04:50,158
[knocking]No! He's here early!
How do I look?

130
00:04:50,245 --> 00:04:52,552
It's better if you don't know.

131
00:04:56,992 --> 00:04:58,298
Hi!
Hey!

132
00:04:58,384 --> 00:04:59,776
Come on in.All right.

133
00:04:59,863 --> 00:05:01,125
Paul, everybody!

134
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:02,475
Hey.
Hey-yo.

135
00:05:02,562 --> 00:05:05,305
Welcome to our home.Thank you. Hey.

136
00:05:06,870 --> 00:05:08,872
♪ It ain't so quirky
to eat a lot of turkey ♪

137
00:05:08,959 --> 00:05:12,268
♪ On this Thanksgiving
Day-ay-ay. ♪

138
00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:15,401
♪ My belly's wanting
something ♪

139
00:05:15,488 --> 00:05:17,490
♪ A pie made out
of pumpkin ♪

140
00:05:17,577 --> 00:05:19,797
♪ In every gobble-gobble
way-ay-ay. ♪

141
00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:21,233
[both snicker]

142
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,410
I didn't know you were
going back to back.

143
00:05:23,497 --> 00:05:24,627
Happy Thanksgiving.

144
00:05:24,714 --> 00:05:26,891
Oh, my God,
there's two of them.

145
00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:27,762
It's good
to see you.

146
00:05:30,199 --> 00:05:32,461
Um, so, I'm just
gonna freshen up.

147
00:05:32,548 --> 00:05:34,202
Oh, thanks.

148
00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:35,944
And I'll be right back.

149
00:05:37,901 --> 00:05:40,427
I forgot to tell you
Paul brought his violin,

150
00:05:40,514 --> 00:05:42,167
and with a little coaxing,

151
00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:43,951
he might fiddle
with the old horsehairs.

152
00:05:44,038 --> 00:05:46,606
Only if you don't mind
being enchanted.

153
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:48,608
[both laugh]

154
00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:50,045
I just want
to watch the game.

155
00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:52,481
Hey, Nick, can I talk to you?

156
00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,745
I just need you not to do
that thing that you do.

157
00:05:54,831 --> 00:05:56,442
What thing?
I don't do a thing.

158
00:05:56,529 --> 00:05:58,574
Yes, you get all mean
and you make that
little turtle face.

159
00:05:58,661 --> 00:06:01,665
Okay, I don't think
I make a turtle face.

160
00:06:01,752 --> 00:06:03,624
Just talk to him
like a normal human being.

161
00:06:03,711 --> 00:06:05,016
Not about politics
or small business loans

162
00:06:05,103 --> 00:06:06,278
or the Google
conspiracy thing, okay?

163
00:06:06,365 --> 00:06:07,845
I've only seen him at school,

164
00:06:07,932 --> 00:06:09,934
and I really want
to wow him tonight, okay?

165
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:12,937
Please, he's the only guy
I've liked since Spencer.

166
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:15,069
I'm not good at this stuff,
so please just help me.

167
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,420
All right, fine,
I'll help you.

168
00:06:18,507 --> 00:06:20,117
Shake on that, pardner?

169
00:06:20,204 --> 00:06:22,120
I don't want to do it
like that, though.

170
00:06:22,206 --> 00:06:24,122
Fair enough.
Fair enough.

171
00:06:24,209 --> 00:06:25,819
Can I sit here?

172
00:06:30,867 --> 00:06:33,523
CECE:
Parsley?

173
00:06:33,610 --> 00:06:35,612
Guy roommates.

174
00:06:35,699 --> 00:06:38,005
Three guys.

175
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:40,007
It's intimidating.

176
00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:42,226
I gotta be honest,

177
00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:44,665
it's intimidating coming
to that arena.

178
00:06:44,752 --> 00:06:46,971
It's hard to get to know people.

179
00:06:47,057 --> 00:06:50,757
It's like Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

180
00:06:50,845 --> 00:06:54,196
Bet you're the bear who has
the bed that's just right.Hmm.

181
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,894
It's a teacher joke, sorry.Okay, here's what
we're gonna do, Paul.

182
00:06:56,980 --> 00:06:59,026
Um, just so I get to
know you a little better

183
00:06:59,113 --> 00:07:00,420
and you can know
me better,
Yeah.

184
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:02,334
we're gonna play
a little game.

185
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,553
Oh, great. Fun, yeah.All right, I'm gonna
say something,

186
00:07:04,641 --> 00:07:06,687
and you're gonna say
the first thing that
pops in your head.

187
00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:08,471
Kazoo.

188
00:07:08,557 --> 00:07:11,300
Okay, we haven't
even started yet.

189
00:07:11,387 --> 00:07:13,694
Okay. I'm gonna stick
with kazoo.

190
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:18,002
Right, okay, um,
"boundaries."

191
00:07:18,088 --> 00:07:19,221
Important.

192
00:07:19,307 --> 00:07:21,615
Okay, um, "other
people's stuff."

193
00:07:21,701 --> 00:07:22,615
Private.

194
00:07:22,702 --> 00:07:26,314
Good. Uh, "loud
early morning sex."

195
00:07:26,401 --> 00:07:30,579
Nice work if you can get some.

196
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,581
[toots]

197
00:07:32,668 --> 00:07:34,105
Hey, Paul.
Hey, Nicholas.

198
00:07:34,192 --> 00:07:35,497
What's going on, guys?
Nicholas, wow.

199
00:07:35,584 --> 00:07:36,978
Just two dudes playing
word-association games,

200
00:07:37,064 --> 00:07:38,893
kicking back
a couple of pumpkin ales.

201
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:40,284
I think that's a lager, right?

202
00:07:40,372 --> 00:07:42,199
Mm-mm, this is an ale.
It has to do

203
00:07:42,286 --> 00:07:44,812
with the fermentation process.Could be, could be.

204
00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:46,944
Uh, hey, do you want to watch
football, the Lions?

205
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:50,774
Ah, yes! The mighty,
mighty Lions of Des Moines.

206
00:07:50,860 --> 00:07:52,601
They play every
Thanksgiving, right,

207
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,603
because they're the most
ferocious of the teams.

208
00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:56,824
Lions from Detroit.
Detroit Lions.

209
00:07:56,911 --> 00:07:57,867
That's another...

210
00:07:57,954 --> 00:08:01,262
What you gobbling about,
turkeys?

211
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:04,091
[both laugh]

212
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:11,968
Anyone who tells you
the future of gravy

213
00:08:12,055 --> 00:08:14,624
is nitrogen-based is cooking
with blinders on, Cece.

214
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:17,845
What is...? Are you...?
Did you wash your hands?

215
00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:18,672
I'll wash them after.

216
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:19,759
Okay, no.

217
00:08:19,846 --> 00:08:21,718
See, just, can you just stop?

218
00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:24,981
Because now the entire bowl
of walnuts is compromised.

219
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:26,026
Wow. You're very sanitary.

220
00:08:26,113 --> 00:08:27,768
Do you wash your hands
ten times a day?

221
00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,160
Okay, look, don't worry, Cece.

222
00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:31,293
If I need to,
I can get my hands dirty.

223
00:08:31,379 --> 00:08:32,947
I mean, I get dirty all over.

224
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:36,820
Would you eat
this filthy walnut?

225
00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:39,169
Yeah, I mean,
I'd eat the... yeah.

226
00:08:39,256 --> 00:08:40,998
Okay, open your mouth.
Open your mouth, Schmidt.

227
00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,913
No!

228
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,349
[water runs]

229
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:46,481
Beautiful savage.

230
00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:50,268
Oh, intermission.No, it's halftime.

231
00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:52,749
It's parade time.

232
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:54,359
It's robot turkey.

233
00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:55,534
You know, it was
Grandma's favorite.

234
00:08:55,621 --> 00:08:58,407
We used to love watching
the parade together.

235
00:08:58,494 --> 00:09:00,626
She was the best.

236
00:09:00,714 --> 00:09:02,542
Check it out.
Here she is.

237
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,282
Here's the lady.

238
00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:06,720
Oh, she's beautiful!Yeah. We used to get

239
00:09:06,807 --> 00:09:09,025
in the funniest
arm-wrestling matches.

240
00:09:09,113 --> 00:09:10,331
[chuckles]

241
00:09:10,418 --> 00:09:12,376
Hey, can I show you something?

242
00:09:12,464 --> 00:09:16,903
Uh, picture here.
That's my grandpa.

243
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,818
Aw...
Died last year.

244
00:09:18,905 --> 00:09:20,081
I'm so sorry.
Sorry, Winston.

245
00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:22,692
Thanks. Thanks, man.
It's okay.

246
00:09:22,778 --> 00:09:24,475
This picture right here
was when he tried

247
00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:27,740
to quit drinking.
That was a bad idea
for everybody.

248
00:09:27,827 --> 00:09:29,611
This is the first time
he tried gelato.

249
00:09:29,698 --> 00:09:30,918
He did not like that.

250
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:33,006
What was his name?

251
00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:35,182
His name was Nelson.

252
00:09:35,269 --> 00:09:36,750
Hey, Schmidt, how's it going?

253
00:09:36,836 --> 00:09:39,100
Well, I need some walnuts.
I have no walnuts.

254
00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:41,275
I should go get those.
You should stay here

255
00:09:41,363 --> 00:09:44,671
with the turkey. Though, shoot.
I have had two pumpkin ales.

256
00:09:44,758 --> 00:09:46,846
I probably shouldn't get
behind the wheel of a car.

257
00:09:46,933 --> 00:09:49,023
Nick, how many pumpkin ales
have you had?

258
00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:50,894
Oh, I've had zero pumpkin ale.

259
00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:53,201
Then can you take Paul
to the store, right?

260
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,206
[softly]:
♪ Getting some walnuts,
getting some walnuts. ♪

261
00:09:58,293 --> 00:09:59,773
I'm sorry, man,

262
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:02,775
are you singing about
what we're doing?

263
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:04,951
Yeah, guess I was.

264
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,605
Sometimes I don't even realize
I'm doing it.

265
00:10:06,692 --> 00:10:07,910
Where are you from?

266
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:09,477
Chicago.

267
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:10,653
Oh, land of plenty.

268
00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:12,394
It's weird being in L.A.

269
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:13,221
It doesn't feel like
Thanksgiving.

270
00:10:13,307 --> 00:10:14,525
It feels like there should be,

271
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,005
like, a little nip in the air,
you know?

272
00:10:16,092 --> 00:10:18,922
A little bit like...

273
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,620
Yeah, totally....an autumn crisp.

274
00:10:20,706 --> 00:10:23,710
So, Jess said you're
a lawyer, right?

275
00:10:23,797 --> 00:10:26,625
I dropped out of law school.
I had three semesters to go.

276
00:10:26,712 --> 00:10:28,758
Oh, what?!
So close!

277
00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:30,890
So you're still trying
to figure it out, right?

278
00:10:30,977 --> 00:10:32,326
That's what
your 20s are for.

279
00:10:32,413 --> 00:10:33,633
I'm 30, so...

280
00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:41,118
Oh, Mr. Copycat.
[chuckles]

281
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:42,859
That's where
I get my copies made.

282
00:10:42,946 --> 00:10:44,207
No way!
Yep!

283
00:10:44,294 --> 00:10:45,774
You get your copies there?!

284
00:10:45,861 --> 00:10:47,951
I don't, I don't.
It was the other one.

285
00:10:48,038 --> 00:10:50,126
Oh, you have got to
be kidding me, man.
No.

286
00:10:50,213 --> 00:10:52,563
That's right.

287
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:53,956
I need long
sustained mashes.

288
00:10:56,567 --> 00:10:58,482
Oh, hey, you've got
something on your nose right...

289
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,921
What?! What?!

290
00:11:01,008 --> 00:11:02,269
No!

291
00:11:02,356 --> 00:11:04,272
What is wrong with you?

292
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:05,881
Look at this recipe.
Look at the recipe.

293
00:11:05,969 --> 00:11:07,754
Where in this recipe

294
00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:09,625
does it say "put mashed
potatoes on Schmidt's nose"?

295
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,801
Look at it. No.
Here? Here? Here?

296
00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:14,760
Go on, show me!Hey, Schmidt!

297
00:11:14,847 --> 00:11:16,023
Oh, hey. Hey.Look, Paul, move.

298
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:18,286
We got the nuts, Jess.

299
00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:19,634
I don't think Nick
likes me very much.

300
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,158
No.
[loud bang]

301
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:23,029
[hissing]

302
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:24,770
Turkey!

303
00:11:26,336 --> 00:11:28,296
House on fire! Fire!

304
00:11:33,213 --> 00:11:34,562
Jar.

305
00:11:34,649 --> 00:11:36,652
It's like a Prince video.

306
00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:38,914
Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

307
00:11:39,001 --> 00:11:40,917
I really wanted you
to have a good time.

308
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:42,352
Remember when it was
only dudes living here,

309
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,181
and we had no fires?This is ridiculous.

310
00:11:44,268 --> 00:11:45,966
Three months ago we didn't
even know this girl.

311
00:11:46,052 --> 00:11:48,184
My Lasik'd eye
is freaking out.

312
00:11:48,272 --> 00:11:50,360
Okay, that's it. We're leaving.
Guys, let's get out of here.

313
00:11:50,447 --> 00:11:52,928
I've had a great time.Paul, I am so sorry.

314
00:11:53,015 --> 00:11:54,975
We're going to the bar.
We can't get rid of the smoke.

315
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:56,498
Wait.

316
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:57,933
Wait, wait, wait!
Hold on,

317
00:11:58,020 --> 00:12:00,327
we can still do this.
What are you guys doing?

318
00:12:00,414 --> 00:12:01,937
I have been dying
to try that food

319
00:12:02,024 --> 00:12:03,244
you've been cooking all day.

320
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:04,461
You've been slaving
away in there.

321
00:12:04,548 --> 00:12:05,812
What's your name again?Schmidt.

322
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,900
Right.You know, it's my last name.

323
00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:10,076
Well, my last name
is Genzlinger,

324
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:12,034
and I'd like to eat
the food that you've been

325
00:12:12,121 --> 00:12:13,514
making all day, Schmidt.

326
00:12:13,601 --> 00:12:15,778
Yeah, all right.
Genzlinger.

327
00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:17,779
I'm with Genzlinger.JESS:
I have an idea!

328
00:12:17,866 --> 00:12:20,783
Let's go next door.

329
00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:23,437
Mrs. Beverly's really great.
She's visiting her sister,

330
00:12:23,524 --> 00:12:25,657
but she gave me her
spare key for emergencies.

331
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,833
So we're breaking and entering.
That's a felony, FYI.

332
00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:29,486
Hey, law school! Nice!

333
00:12:29,573 --> 00:12:31,576
JESS:
No, we're not breaking in.

334
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:33,534
I gave her a key
to our place, too.

335
00:12:33,621 --> 00:12:36,190
She sometimes has
a problem with her shower.

336
00:12:37,886 --> 00:12:40,368
No, not you.

337
00:12:40,455 --> 00:12:42,804
What are you doing? You promised
me you'd be nice to him.

338
00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:45,590
I was nice to him!
I've been very nice to Paul.

339
00:12:45,677 --> 00:12:48,288
NICK:
The whole car ride over
I was nice to him.

340
00:12:48,375 --> 00:12:50,508
You know what he tells me about?
He likes Air Bud 2.

341
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:51,945
He loves dogs.
I know where

342
00:12:52,032 --> 00:12:53,773
he gets his copies made.
He likes to whistle.

343
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,426
He wanted to open
the door withme,

344
00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:57,254
so when my hand
went up, so did his.

345
00:12:57,341 --> 00:12:58,559
Oh, I get it.

346
00:12:58,647 --> 00:13:01,083
He's not cool enough for you.

347
00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:02,999
'Cause nobody can be cool
enough for cool Nick Miller.

348
00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:04,826
I'm Nick Miller.

349
00:13:04,913 --> 00:13:07,177
I'm so cool,
I'll make my cool face.

350
00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:08,395
Why don't you like him?

351
00:13:08,482 --> 00:13:09,614
NICK:
Who cares? Do you like him?

352
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,399
JESS:
Of course I like him.

353
00:13:11,485 --> 00:13:13,443
Okay, fine! It doesn't matter
what I think, does it?

354
00:13:13,530 --> 00:13:15,097
'Cause I don't have
to have sex with him.

355
00:13:15,184 --> 00:13:17,404
I do. I want to.

356
00:13:17,491 --> 00:13:21,061
I want to have sex
with him big-time.

357
00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:22,409
NICK: Great.JESS: You heard me!

358
00:13:22,496 --> 00:13:24,063
Big-time! Okay?

359
00:13:24,150 --> 00:13:26,109
I want to take him down
to Chinatown

360
00:13:26,196 --> 00:13:29,155
and slice him off a piece
of this pumpkin pie, okay?

361
00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:31,548
What is pumpkin pie?JESS: I want to do all
the things that you do

362
00:13:31,635 --> 00:13:33,682
in a bedroom, with him, okay?

363
00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:35,596
I want to do it standing up
and sitting down,

364
00:13:35,683 --> 00:13:37,337
and half-up and half-down,

365
00:13:37,424 --> 00:13:38,991
and the wiggly one,
and the Bear Attack,

366
00:13:39,078 --> 00:13:40,907
and the claws in the head,

367
00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:43,605
and the one the figure skaters
do, and the What's For Lunch,

368
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:46,173
and the... Give Me That Hat.
Let's just say

369
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,392
that I'm good.
I'm really, really good.

370
00:13:48,479 --> 00:13:51,394
And I don't care what you think!Then why did you ask me?

371
00:13:53,309 --> 00:13:55,269
Hey, Jess.

372
00:13:55,355 --> 00:13:57,532
Uh... just want you to know
everyone really loves Paul.

373
00:13:57,619 --> 00:13:59,447
And also, we can hear
everything you're saying.

374
00:13:59,533 --> 00:14:00,927
What?

375
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:02,624
Play through.

376
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:06,279
After you, Jess.

377
00:14:09,543 --> 00:14:10,937
Excuse me.

378
00:14:13,808 --> 00:14:16,506
So, um... just a heads-up.

379
00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:18,292
Uh... we're just rehearsing
a play that, uh,

380
00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:20,772
Nick is writing.
It's called...

381
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,470
"Big-Time."

382
00:14:22,557 --> 00:14:24,601
It's... it's
about a man

383
00:14:24,688 --> 00:14:30,433
who, um, loves another man
named Paul

384
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:34,090
and it's not very good.

385
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,572
I'm so sorry.

386
00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:43,664
I've done Give Me That Hat.

387
00:14:43,751 --> 00:14:46,188
Only for me it was like,
I, you know, I was like,

388
00:14:46,275 --> 00:14:47,974
I was like, "Here, take my hat."

389
00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:49,975
Do you know what I mean?

390
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:57,157
[plucking strings]

391
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:03,076
So how bad was it
on a scale from one to bad?

392
00:15:03,163 --> 00:15:05,033
Let's put it this way:
a normal guy

393
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,254
would've left a long time ago
and he's still here, right?

394
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:09,385
He's not normal.

395
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:16,219
Schmidt yelled at me earlier.

396
00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:18,394
Oh, I'm so sorry.

397
00:15:18,481 --> 00:15:20,048
Did he get weird?
He's weird about cooking.

398
00:15:20,135 --> 00:15:21,876
Did you touch his whisk?

399
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,356
CECE:
No, the thing is, Jess...

400
00:15:23,443 --> 00:15:24,879
is I think I'm into him.

401
00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:26,837
What? Oh, God.

402
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,797
Yeah, he's got this rage
inside of him, this fury,

403
00:15:28,884 --> 00:15:30,145
and I just love it.NICK:
Hey, Schmidt?

404
00:15:30,232 --> 00:15:32,452
It's hour nine.
I'm starving.

405
00:15:32,539 --> 00:15:34,498
Well, I can blanch or I can
talk, but I can't do both.

406
00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:36,936
I'm going in.

407
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:38,371
[violin string twangs]

408
00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:46,727
Nick...

409
00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:49,164
I gotta just say
something to you.

410
00:15:49,251 --> 00:15:50,818
I feel like... you think
I'm kind of annoying.

411
00:15:50,905 --> 00:15:52,647
You didn't have to
come here to say that.

412
00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:54,518
You could've done it
from over there.
Okay.

413
00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:56,432
And if that's the case--
which I don't know that it is--

414
00:15:56,519 --> 00:15:57,956
It is.
I don't care.

415
00:15:58,043 --> 00:15:59,740
I actually feel
sort of sorry for you,

416
00:15:59,827 --> 00:16:01,743
because at this point
in your life I know

417
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,962
that you'll never dislike me
more than you dislike yourself.

418
00:16:04,049 --> 00:16:05,921
Really? That's what
you're going with, Violin?

419
00:16:08,140 --> 00:16:10,881
Want a little, um,
napkin-folding music?

420
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,274
[laughs]

421
00:16:12,361 --> 00:16:13,407
Kind of need it.

422
00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:20,849
I can't believe
you're still here.

423
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:22,677
What do you mean?
Of course I'm still here.

424
00:16:22,764 --> 00:16:25,071
Why wouldn't I be here?

425
00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:26,942
Hey.

426
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:29,857
Let's talk about
what happened earlier.

427
00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:33,034
'Cause you made me feel like
I was a really bad girl.

428
00:16:33,121 --> 00:16:34,427
I know I did, and...

429
00:16:34,514 --> 00:16:36,865
I'm really sorry, Cece.

430
00:16:36,951 --> 00:16:38,301
I'll never yell at you
like that again.

431
00:16:40,389 --> 00:16:41,739
How about now?

432
00:16:41,826 --> 00:16:44,567
Please...
Please don't do that.

433
00:16:44,654 --> 00:16:46,918
Got my dirty little hands
in your pudding.
Can you...

434
00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:48,832
So gross...

435
00:16:48,919 --> 00:16:50,573
It's so gross, please...
Oh, God.

436
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:51,923
Mmm...

437
00:16:52,010 --> 00:16:53,360
[gags]

438
00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:55,014
So gross.
Yell.

439
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:56,667
I really... I'd really
rather you not do that.

440
00:16:56,754 --> 00:16:58,234
I haven't washed
my hands since 3:00,

441
00:16:58,321 --> 00:16:59,888
and I'm gonna double-dip.It's so gross...

442
00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:01,280
How about now?

443
00:17:03,673 --> 00:17:06,373
It's all the way, it's all the
way in there, with all the...

444
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:09,244
it's so unsanitary.
Please, just put it...

445
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:11,421
I'm-I'm begging you to...
Please just take the towel!

446
00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:13,205
This may be none
of my business,

447
00:17:13,292 --> 00:17:15,946
but I-I-I really
have to ask you:

448
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,513
did anything happen
between you and Nick?

449
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:18,863
Like, did you guys
go out, or-or-or...
What?

450
00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:21,300
'Cause I, I really
don't want to get

451
00:17:21,387 --> 00:17:22,476
in the middle of anything.No. No.

452
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:23,825
No, no, no, no.

453
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:25,695
No.
Good.

454
00:17:25,782 --> 00:17:28,002
Because I really
want to see you again.

455
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,221
Big-time.

456
00:17:29,308 --> 00:17:32,355
[laughs]

457
00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:33,964
Big-time.
Big-time.

458
00:17:34,052 --> 00:17:35,141
Like the play.
Yeah.

459
00:17:35,228 --> 00:17:36,619
Cool play.
It is.

460
00:17:36,707 --> 00:17:38,186
Do you really
like him, Winston?

461
00:17:38,273 --> 00:17:41,146
Yes, man! He asked me
my grandpa's name.

462
00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:43,758
You've never asked me
my grandpa's name.I don't know, Winston,

463
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:45,412
I always just thought
he was your grandpa.

464
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,369
I mean, you don't know
my grandpa's name.

465
00:17:47,457 --> 00:17:49,415
You mean Mason on your dad's,
or Charles on your mom's?

466
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,330
Yeah, it's Mason and Charles.

467
00:17:51,417 --> 00:17:52,548
SCHMIDT:
Ho, ho, ho, baby.

468
00:17:52,635 --> 00:17:55,203
JESS:
Oh, that looks lovely.

469
00:17:55,290 --> 00:17:56,857
Genzlinger!
Schmidt!

470
00:17:56,944 --> 00:17:58,337
Yeah, buddy.You kidding me?

471
00:17:58,424 --> 00:18:00,296
Oh, it looks incredible.It really does.

472
00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:02,471
What if you play something
for us before we start?

473
00:18:02,558 --> 00:18:03,820
Before? Oh, no, no.Yes!

474
00:18:03,907 --> 00:18:05,126
Please?
Play.

475
00:18:05,213 --> 00:18:07,346
You're all hungry.You know you want to do it.

476
00:18:07,433 --> 00:18:10,132
Just do it.
Okay.
Please?

477
00:18:10,219 --> 00:18:12,090
Twist my arm. Okay.
All right.
Yeah.

478
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:14,832
Uh, duet from
the pageant, huh?
Oh.

479
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:17,617
PAUL:
Big entrance.
JESS: Okay.

480
00:18:17,704 --> 00:18:21,099
Native Americans,
gather ye round

481
00:18:21,186 --> 00:18:23,711
for I have a new friend
I've met in the forest.

482
00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:25,146
[Paul screams]

483
00:18:25,233 --> 00:18:27,105
Dead body! Dead body!

484
00:18:27,192 --> 00:18:29,978
PAUL:
Holy God!

485
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:31,371
There's a dead body in there.

486
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:33,502
I think there's a dead body.There's a dead body!

487
00:18:33,589 --> 00:18:34,765
There's a dead body!

488
00:18:34,852 --> 00:18:36,506
Oh! That is real.

489
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:37,855
Ooh.
Oh! God.

490
00:18:37,942 --> 00:18:39,074
That's a real thing.[screams]

491
00:18:40,857 --> 00:18:44,297
Poor Mrs. Beverly.

492
00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:47,256
Oh, Ms. Beverly
from the mailboxes.

493
00:18:53,784 --> 00:18:55,221
I'm so sorry, Paul.

494
00:18:55,307 --> 00:18:57,222
Oh, it was so fun.
I had a great time.

495
00:18:57,309 --> 00:18:58,875
WINSTON:
Anytime, bro.

496
00:18:58,962 --> 00:19:00,748
Hey, listen, we're gonna
go to a Best Buy, later,

497
00:19:00,835 --> 00:19:02,880
and grab a new dryer. Totally
stop by if you need anything.

498
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:05,752
Oh, good, good.
Okay. Thank you.

499
00:19:05,839 --> 00:19:07,057
Oh. Okay.

500
00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:09,409
All right.

501
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:11,237
Cool. Thank you.
No, no, no, no, no.

502
00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:13,847
Coming in.
Coming in.

503
00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:17,112
Guys... No, no, no.Get clear.

504
00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:24,728
At least she died
doing what she loved.

505
00:19:24,815 --> 00:19:26,599
She was on the
toilet, Jess.

506
00:19:26,686 --> 00:19:28,253
I'm starving.

507
00:19:28,340 --> 00:19:29,993
Really? Even after that
great meal we didn't have?

508
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,996
Oh, come on, Jess.

509
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:33,954
Are you going to be
mad at me all night?

510
00:19:34,041 --> 00:19:36,044
Are you cold?

511
00:19:36,131 --> 00:19:37,785
Do you want my cardie?

512
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:41,309
[violin playing]

513
00:19:51,885 --> 00:19:53,322
You came.
Yeah.

514
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,498
When I was on that
elevator ride from hell,

515
00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:57,457
the coroners told me to
stop crying like a girl.

516
00:19:57,544 --> 00:19:58,806
I told them that was sexist.

517
00:19:58,893 --> 00:20:00,547
You're right.
I am right.

518
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:03,027
And then I decided,
life is too short.

519
00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:05,115
So I went around the corner,
picked up a couple of

520
00:20:05,203 --> 00:20:06,553
turkey subs for your friends--

521
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:07,857
Yup.
they're foot-longers--

522
00:20:07,944 --> 00:20:09,469
and... here I am.

523
00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:10,991
Just a man and his violin.

524
00:20:12,602 --> 00:20:14,821
You're amazing.
MAN:
Hey, no cutting!

525
00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:16,258
Is he cutting?He's not cutting. Relax.

526
00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:17,606
Guys! We got a cutter here!

527
00:20:17,693 --> 00:20:19,042
NICK:
Calm down, pal.
Stop.

528
00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:20,219
[crowd murmurs angrily]He's not cutting.

529
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:21,436
He's not cutting.

530
00:20:21,523 --> 00:20:22,786
He's... I saved his spot.

531
00:20:22,873 --> 00:20:25,093
Calm down.
False alarm!

532
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:27,400
He's just doing fair tradesies.

533
00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:30,316
Honestly, stop overreacting
to cutting!

534
00:20:30,403 --> 00:20:33,492
I'm going to the back of the
line. This spot's for Paul.

535
00:20:33,579 --> 00:20:34,798
Thanks, Nick.
Thank you, Nick.

536
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:39,019
Hey. Nick.

537
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,327
Wait.

538
00:20:47,375 --> 00:20:48,508
CECE:
Let's go. Come on.

539
00:20:48,595 --> 00:20:50,857
Hey, I'll go back there, too.

540
00:20:52,381 --> 00:20:55,776
JESS:
♪ Thursday in November ♪

541
00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:57,298
BOTH:
♪ That's the day we remember ♪

542
00:20:57,385 --> 00:20:59,039
♪ How the Pilgrims
would have died... ♪

543
00:20:59,126 --> 00:21:02,434
It's gonna get a lot worse
before it gets better.

544
00:21:02,521 --> 00:21:03,784
♪ If not for friendship
of a tribe ♪

545
00:21:03,871 --> 00:21:06,265
♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪

546
00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:09,223
♪ Why don't you
take the fiddle ♪

547
00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,269
♪ Fiddle it up
and fiddle it down ♪

548
00:21:11,356 --> 00:21:13,968
♪ Fiddle it all over town. ♪

549
00:21:14,055 --> 00:21:16,275
[laughing, whooping]

550
00:21:16,362 --> 00:21:18,232
Paul: Thanks, Nick.

551
00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:35,990
NICK: Where the hell
are they going?