1
00:00:02,218 --> 00:00:04,873
[scary movie music playing
on TV]

2
00:00:04,961 --> 00:00:06,354
[woman screaming on TV]

3
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:07,919
Ooh.

4
00:00:08,007 --> 00:00:09,618
Scary movie.

5
00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:11,359
I hate scary movies.

6
00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:12,794
Why are we watching this?

7
00:00:12,881 --> 00:00:14,362
We're not watching this, Jess.

8
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,798
We'rewatching it.

9
00:00:16,885 --> 00:00:19,454
[scary movie music continues]

10
00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:20,977
[groans]

11
00:00:26,199 --> 00:00:28,724
So fun, hanging
with the dudes,

12
00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:31,856
eating ice cream,
watching scary movies.

13
00:00:31,943 --> 00:00:34,121
[deep voice]:
We're not scared; we're dudes.

14
00:00:34,207 --> 00:00:35,121
Shh!

15
00:00:36,426 --> 00:00:38,472
[woman screaming on TV]

16
00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:40,430
[whispering]:
You know what we should watch?

17
00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:42,694
Have you guys ever seen Fame?

18
00:00:42,780 --> 00:00:45,914
It's about a group of dreamers
with talent to spare,

19
00:00:46,002 --> 00:00:48,177
taking New York City by storm,

20
00:00:48,265 --> 00:00:50,049
one dance number
at a time--

21
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:51,268
the cafeteria,

22
00:00:51,354 --> 00:00:52,661
the street...

23
00:00:52,747 --> 00:00:54,228
Oh! Ooh!

24
00:00:54,314 --> 00:00:55,664
That's so much blood.

25
00:00:55,750 --> 00:00:57,100
It's spurting!

26
00:00:57,186 --> 00:00:59,058
Mmm, that was good.

27
00:01:00,798 --> 00:01:02,149
That guy's gonna blow
himself up.

28
00:01:02,235 --> 00:01:03,846
♪ Wah, wah. ♪

29
00:01:03,932 --> 00:01:05,412
Why would that guy
blow himself up?

30
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,849
[explosion on TV]

31
00:01:07,936 --> 00:01:09,894
Sorry. I saw it
in the theater.

32
00:01:09,981 --> 00:01:12,114
You know what else
we should watch?

33
00:01:12,201 --> 00:01:13,289
An American Tale.

34
00:01:13,376 --> 00:01:14,856
It's about a little Jewish mouse

35
00:01:14,944 --> 00:01:16,250
with a great big heart and a...

36
00:01:16,337 --> 00:01:17,164
All right.

37
00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:18,251
Wait.

38
00:01:18,338 --> 00:01:19,644
Where are you guys going?

39
00:01:19,730 --> 00:01:22,777
♪ Hey, girl ♪

40
00:01:22,864 --> 00:01:24,780
♪ What you doing? ♪

41
00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:27,825
♪ Hey, girl ♪

42
00:01:27,912 --> 00:01:30,829
♪ Where you going? ♪

43
00:01:30,915 --> 00:01:33,266
♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ Who's that girl?♪

44
00:01:33,353 --> 00:01:34,920
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

45
00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:37,358
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess. ♪

46
00:01:42,884 --> 00:01:45,278
Do you know where
you're taking her?No.

47
00:01:45,365 --> 00:01:46,975
Do you need a list
of my sexiest date spots?

48
00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:48,368
You know, it's been
a while for you.

49
00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:49,587
Want me to stretch you out?

50
00:01:49,674 --> 00:01:51,198
It's not a date, Schmidt.

51
00:01:51,284 --> 00:01:53,025
Actually, I don't know
what it is.

52
00:01:53,112 --> 00:01:55,158
She's, uh... she's
a little hard to read.

53
00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:57,900
Wouldn't it be funny
if we, like, went out? Like...

54
00:01:57,986 --> 00:01:59,683
Do you want to go on a date?Yeah.

55
00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:01,120
We, like, go for dinner,

56
00:02:01,207 --> 00:02:03,471
and, like, the two of us,
like, do stuff.

57
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,429
Is that a yes?I know, right?

58
00:02:05,516 --> 00:02:06,909
Seriously, do you want
to get dinner...?Right. No, I know.

59
00:02:06,995 --> 00:02:08,780
Sometimes she's so ironic

60
00:02:08,866 --> 00:02:10,782
that I think
she's being serious.

61
00:02:10,868 --> 00:02:12,783
I get it. Led
Zeppelin is classic,

62
00:02:12,871 --> 00:02:14,786
but I mean, it's no, like,
Steve Miller Band.

63
00:02:14,872 --> 00:02:16,570
Steve Miller Band?
"The Joker"?

64
00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:24,926
Oh, yeah. No, I love
The Steve Miller Band.

65
00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:27,015
Hey, look. You've been out
of the game for a while.

66
00:02:27,103 --> 00:02:28,322
I have three date packages.

67
00:02:28,408 --> 00:02:29,974
They work every time.

68
00:02:30,062 --> 00:02:33,413
Package A: Close-up
magic, dinner, drinks.

69
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:36,634
Package B: Close-up
magic, drinks.

70
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:39,332
Package C:...

71
00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:40,985
Close-up magic.

72
00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,639
You have a date? Fun!

73
00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:44,555
I want to talk to you guys
about this stuff.

74
00:02:44,641 --> 00:02:45,599
With Amanda.

75
00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:47,210
Schmidt.Amanda?

76
00:02:47,296 --> 00:02:48,211
From the bar?

77
00:02:48,298 --> 00:02:49,299
Whoa!

78
00:02:49,385 --> 00:02:50,473
She's a looker.

79
00:02:50,561 --> 00:02:51,954
Hatchie-matchie!

80
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:53,868
Yeah, I know how hot she is,
Jess.

81
00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:55,652
Have you been out with anyone
since Caroline?

82
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:56,828
No.

83
00:02:56,914 --> 00:02:59,483
Whoa! Big-deal alert.

84
00:02:59,569 --> 00:03:01,354
Scary stuff, kids.

85
00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:02,704
Yeesh!

86
00:03:02,790 --> 00:03:05,228
Falling rocks. Bridge out.
Duck!

87
00:03:05,314 --> 00:03:06,447
This is why I don't talk to you,
Jess.

88
00:03:06,533 --> 00:03:07,403
Nick, you're gonna be fine.

89
00:03:07,490 --> 00:03:08,710
Don't worry about it.

90
00:03:08,796 --> 00:03:11,015
Just, you know,
suck in the gut.

91
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:12,974
What gut?

92
00:03:13,062 --> 00:03:14,802
The little pooch where you
keep your extra cookies.

93
00:03:18,633 --> 00:03:20,156
[exhales]

94
00:03:27,467 --> 00:03:28,817
[exhales]

95
00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:36,824
All right.

96
00:03:38,174 --> 00:03:39,305
[stereo clicks on]

97
00:03:39,393 --> 00:03:42,222
[reggae song playing]

98
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:47,313
♪ Well, you say with this riddim
you have a patch? ♪

99
00:03:47,401 --> 00:03:50,141
♪ Yellowman mend it ♪

100
00:03:50,229 --> 00:03:55,146
♪ And if you haffi done mend it,
me set it ♪

101
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:58,673
♪ Zungguzungguguzungguzeng ♪

102
00:03:58,759 --> 00:04:00,936
♪ Zungguzunggugu-
zungguzeng ♪

103
00:04:01,022 --> 00:04:03,764
♪ Seh if yuh have a paper,
yuh must have a pen ♪

104
00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:06,550
♪ And if yuh have a start,
yuh must have a end ♪

105
00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:09,248
♪ Seh five plus five,
it equal to ten ♪

106
00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:10,989
♪ And if yuh have goat... ♪

107
00:04:11,075 --> 00:04:12,948
I had a lot of adventures
in this room

108
00:04:13,034 --> 00:04:15,037
while you were gone, Winston.

109
00:04:15,123 --> 00:04:16,821
[sighs] How'd the
job interview go?

110
00:04:16,908 --> 00:04:18,562
You know, terrible.

111
00:04:18,649 --> 00:04:20,084
Did you see the
JWoww retweet

112
00:04:20,172 --> 00:04:21,261
and Gaga Twitpic?

113
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:25,874
I know Word,
and I can open a document...

114
00:04:26,961 --> 00:04:28,528
...save it, save as,

115
00:04:28,615 --> 00:04:30,225
print,

116
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,923
print preview...

117
00:04:32,009 --> 00:04:33,098
She just wanted
to chitchat about stuff

118
00:04:33,185 --> 00:04:34,622
I've never even heard of.

119
00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:36,014
Well, you gotta get
up to speed, man.

120
00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:37,841
The chitchat is
the interview.

121
00:04:37,928 --> 00:04:40,497
I've spent the last two years
of my life in Latvia.

122
00:04:40,584 --> 00:04:41,716
I was playing ball
year round.

123
00:04:41,802 --> 00:04:43,064
I didn't read the news.

124
00:04:43,151 --> 00:04:44,893
I have no idea
what happened in America.

125
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:45,980
I've got interviews tomorrow.

126
00:04:46,067 --> 00:04:47,199
Fill me in. What'd I miss?

127
00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:49,113
From... from the past two years?

128
00:04:49,201 --> 00:04:50,680
Give me the highlights.Highlights. Okay.

129
00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:52,509
Uh, country's broke.

130
00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:54,903
Betty White's back.

131
00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:57,687
Oh, cool, cool. What about
the rest of the Golden Girls?

132
00:04:57,774 --> 00:04:59,124
All dead, man.

133
00:05:00,951 --> 00:05:03,476
Damn. You know what?
Give me your computer.

134
00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:06,348
I gotta get started, man.
I'm going in.

135
00:05:06,435 --> 00:05:08,394
♪ Lady Ann a yuh
so take fe toy ♪

136
00:05:08,481 --> 00:05:10,961
♪ Playgal all dem call him joy ♪

137
00:05:11,048 --> 00:05:13,877
♪ Yuh nuh fe call
Yellowman nuh bwoy ♪

138
00:05:13,964 --> 00:05:16,968
♪ Yuh nuh fe call John
John nuh bwoy ♪

139
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:19,797
♪ Yuh nuh fe take I
and I fe bwoy ♪

140
00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:22,670
♪ Zungguzungguguzungguzeng,
watch it! ♪

141
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,759
It is what it is.

142
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:28,283
♪ Zungguzungguguzungguzeng... ♪

143
00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:31,242
Hey, Nick, can you turn down
that music?

144
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,375
♪ 'Ca Yellowman make yuh
feel so fine ♪

145
00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:36,466
♪ Me chat all me lyric,
me chat dem in a rhyme ♪

146
00:05:36,552 --> 00:05:40,077
♪ Me nuh eat lime it
full of a rhyme... ♪

147
00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,731
Hey, Nick,
can you...

148
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,211
What...? What are you...?!

149
00:05:43,298 --> 00:05:45,909
[giggly scream]

150
00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:48,564
Oh, my God!

151
00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:57,139
Look at you.
You're like an animal.

152
00:05:57,225 --> 00:05:59,923
What are you watching now?  The King's Speech
and Human Centipede.

153
00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,665
Next up: Precious
and David After Dentist.

154
00:06:02,752 --> 00:06:04,668
I think you're
doing a good job.

155
00:06:04,754 --> 00:06:06,452
Okay, you know
what, test me.

156
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:07,975
Pretend this is an interview.
Hit me with the chitchat.

157
00:06:08,062 --> 00:06:09,194
Ask me anything.

158
00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:10,456
Chitchat. Let's go.

159
00:06:10,543 --> 00:06:11,675
Forget it, man.Let's go!

160
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:12,894
Come on, what are you
waiting for, man?

161
00:06:12,980 --> 00:06:14,677
You're getting
intense right now.

162
00:06:14,764 --> 00:06:16,418
You're the intense one.I think you need
to bring it down.

163
00:06:16,505 --> 00:06:17,420
[clears throat]

164
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:18,942
Can I talk to you for a sec?

165
00:06:19,029 --> 00:06:20,944
Something's happened.

166
00:06:21,031 --> 00:06:23,557
It was totally an accident.

167
00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:26,124
Not a big deal.
I just want to do

168
00:06:26,211 --> 00:06:28,605
the mature thing
and come clean about it.

169
00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:32,566
But, um, I accidentally saw
Nick's pee-pee.

170
00:06:32,653 --> 00:06:34,002
What?What'd she say?

171
00:06:34,088 --> 00:06:36,918
I accidentally saw
Nick's pee-pee

172
00:06:37,004 --> 00:06:38,441
and his bubbles.

173
00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:40,574
But it's not a big deal.

174
00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:42,226
Ain't no thing.

175
00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:43,271
[door opens]Ain't no thaaang.

176
00:06:43,358 --> 00:06:45,622
Oh, Nick, hey.

177
00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:47,144
Hey.

178
00:06:47,231 --> 00:06:50,018
So, that was weird, right?

179
00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:51,322
I'm running out
the door, Jess.

180
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,846
I think we should
talk about it.

181
00:06:52,933 --> 00:06:53,935
Talk about what?

182
00:06:54,021 --> 00:06:57,067
About me seeing...

183
00:06:57,154 --> 00:06:58,766
your peen.

184
00:07:01,507 --> 00:07:03,379
[with British accent]:
The peen what I saw.

185
00:07:04,814 --> 00:07:06,163
[with French accent]:
Bonjour, le peen.

186
00:07:06,250 --> 00:07:07,122
You're blocking the door.

187
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,644
Okay. Cool.

188
00:07:08,731 --> 00:07:10,473
Have fun on your date.

189
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,387
[laughs awkwardly]:
Tell that guy to behave.

190
00:07:13,432 --> 00:07:14,651
The adventure begins.

191
00:07:14,737 --> 00:07:16,391
Okay. Excuse me, Jess.

192
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:24,879
[groaning]

193
00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:27,968
That was so horrible.What am I gonna do?

194
00:07:28,055 --> 00:07:30,667
He's never gonna speak to me
again. I'm so embarrassed.

195
00:07:30,754 --> 00:07:32,755
It's not a big deal.
I've seen Nick's stuff,
like, a million times.

196
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,454
You have?

197
00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:36,629
I mean... how?

198
00:07:36,716 --> 00:07:37,718
We grew up together.

199
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:39,370
Locker rooms,
swimming pools,

200
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,894
penis fights--
it just happens.

201
00:07:40,981 --> 00:07:41,808
Why haven't I seen it?

202
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:43,201
Why do you want to see it?

203
00:07:43,288 --> 00:07:44,725
He's my best friend.

204
00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:47,596
Again, why do you
want to see it?

205
00:07:47,683 --> 00:07:48,903
What if Nick gets
into an accident?

206
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,947
What if he's
horribly disfigured,

207
00:07:51,034 --> 00:07:52,646
and I have to identify him,

208
00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:54,995
and all that remains
are his private parts?

209
00:07:55,082 --> 00:07:56,911
And I'm standing there
and I'm saying,

210
00:07:56,997 --> 00:07:59,000
"Sorry, Officer,
I can't help you,

211
00:07:59,086 --> 00:08:01,610
because no, I haven't
seen his penis."

212
00:08:01,697 --> 00:08:03,744
And then boom, he's buried
in an unmarked grave.

213
00:08:03,831 --> 00:08:06,528
Again, why do you
want to see it?

214
00:08:06,615 --> 00:08:08,487
What did it look like?What do you mean?

215
00:08:08,574 --> 00:08:09,706
Just say when.

216
00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:11,141
Just sa... serious...

217
00:08:11,228 --> 00:08:13,317
Seriously? Are you se...
Are you serious?

218
00:08:13,404 --> 00:08:15,581
Okay, you know what.
This is impossible.

219
00:08:15,668 --> 00:08:16,930
I'm starting over.

220
00:08:17,018 --> 00:08:19,716
Schmidt, I need your help.

221
00:08:19,802 --> 00:08:22,762
Okay... all right, Jess, fine.

222
00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:24,372
What happened
after you walked in?

223
00:08:24,459 --> 00:08:26,680
I don't know.
I kind of laughed.

224
00:08:26,766 --> 00:08:29,204
Jess, you can't laugh
at a naked man,

225
00:08:29,290 --> 00:08:30,684
especially Nick.

226
00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:31,988
Nick is delicate...

227
00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:33,774
like a flower.

228
00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:36,037
Like a chubby, damaged flower
who hates himself.

229
00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:37,604
Now, listen to me.
You're gonna act

230
00:08:37,691 --> 00:08:39,735
like this never happened.

231
00:08:39,822 --> 00:08:40,736
We live together.

232
00:08:40,823 --> 00:08:41,782
We're a family.

233
00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:43,783
Families talk about things.

234
00:08:43,870 --> 00:08:47,657
No. Families ignore things
until they go away.

235
00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,179
YOUNG SCHMIDT: Hey, Mom,
hey, Mom, hey, Mom,

236
00:08:49,267 --> 00:08:50,268
I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!

237
00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:52,096
Mom, Mom, Mom,

238
00:08:52,182 --> 00:08:53,836
I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!

239
00:08:53,923 --> 00:08:55,883
No one wants to talk
about their feelings, Jess.

240
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:57,711
Never talk about this again.

241
00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,625
Okay. I'll ignore it.

242
00:09:00,975 --> 00:09:02,279
♪ Not gonna talk about... ♪

243
00:09:02,366 --> 00:09:04,020
Or sing about it.

244
00:09:04,107 --> 00:09:05,500
The bing-bong. I'm done.

245
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,591
This is my... my chambre.

246
00:09:08,677 --> 00:09:11,288
What does that mean?

247
00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:14,336
You're a good kisser.

248
00:09:14,423 --> 00:09:16,337
Can we, can we be serious?

249
00:09:16,424 --> 00:09:17,730
Do you mind just
being serious?

250
00:09:17,817 --> 00:09:19,036
I'm gonna get serious--
on your face.

251
00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:20,690
[laughing]

252
00:09:20,777 --> 00:09:23,605
I have no idea
what that means.
[laughing]

253
00:09:23,692 --> 00:09:25,520
Actually, let's not laugh
when you're near my penis.

254
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,479
Take it off.

255
00:09:29,220 --> 00:09:30,613
Here, just take
your shirt off.

256
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:34,529
♪ ♪

257
00:09:39,447 --> 00:09:40,927
Can't...

258
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,798
Here. Do...

259
00:09:42,885 --> 00:09:44,235
Do you want me to go first?

260
00:09:44,322 --> 00:09:45,540
You're offering just
to take your...

261
00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:47,020
Oh, my God!

262
00:09:47,107 --> 00:09:49,588
Look at you.

263
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:51,721
Take off your clothes now.

264
00:10:04,428 --> 00:10:06,909
President Obama.

265
00:10:06,996 --> 00:10:08,172
Yeah, I like him
to watch over me.

266
00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:13,307
Do you, like, want to take it
slow... or something?

267
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:19,139
This is nice.
Yeah.

268
00:10:19,226 --> 00:10:21,272
MAN [on video]:
It's starting to even look like
a triple rainbow.

269
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,796
[door opens]

270
00:10:22,883 --> 00:10:25,320
MAN:
Oh, my God, it's full-on!

271
00:10:28,496 --> 00:10:29,453
Hi, Nick.

272
00:10:31,107 --> 00:10:33,501
So I guess your date went well.

273
00:10:33,588 --> 00:10:35,330
Sleepover party.

274
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:38,681
I have something from school

275
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:40,552
that, um... made me
think of you.

276
00:10:48,385 --> 00:10:49,952
It's a Feeling Stick.

277
00:10:50,039 --> 00:10:52,042
Whoever's holding
a Feeling Stick

278
00:10:52,129 --> 00:10:54,087
has permission to say
whatever he or she is feeling

279
00:10:54,174 --> 00:10:55,350
without being judged.

280
00:10:55,437 --> 00:10:57,481
I'll go first. Um...

281
00:10:57,568 --> 00:11:02,269
I feel like I want to know
what you're feeling.

282
00:11:12,235 --> 00:11:15,761
Believe it or not,
that's not the first time

283
00:11:15,849 --> 00:11:17,764
someone's broken
my Feeling Stick.

284
00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:22,463
I have a travel size.

285
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:25,119
Nick, wait!

286
00:11:26,554 --> 00:11:29,993
Nick, we have to talk
about this.

287
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:31,951
What are you doing?

288
00:11:32,038 --> 00:11:34,649
I'm sorry I saw your doojer
and your chickadees.

289
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:36,303
And I didn't mean
to laugh. I just...

290
00:11:36,390 --> 00:11:38,306
Then why did you laugh?

291
00:11:38,393 --> 00:11:39,698
Is there something
funny about it?

292
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:41,004
No.

293
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:42,658
It's beautiful.

294
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:44,094
Stately.

295
00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:45,661
A real treat.

296
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:46,793
Oh, my God.

297
00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:52,232
[whispering]: I think
it's great you dance naked

298
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:53,668
to Jamaican music.

299
00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:55,452
That's really cool.

300
00:11:55,539 --> 00:11:57,019
You should explore
your sexuality.

301
00:11:57,106 --> 00:11:58,326
[bell dings]

302
00:11:59,674 --> 00:12:02,721
Nick?
Excuse me.

303
00:12:02,808 --> 00:12:04,767
Come on, Nick.
I dance naked all the time.

304
00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:07,509
We have to talk about this.

305
00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:11,294
Ugh! Nick!

306
00:12:12,948 --> 00:12:15,255
[sighs]

307
00:12:15,342 --> 00:12:16,386
[bell dings]

308
00:12:19,216 --> 00:12:21,870
Nick, please talk to me.

309
00:12:21,957 --> 00:12:23,307
Jess, there's nothing
to talk about.

310
00:12:23,394 --> 00:12:24,961
You ruined my date.

311
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:27,181
Every time I tried
to take my clothes off, Jess,

312
00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:29,486
I heard your little...
[imitates Jess's cackle]

313
00:12:29,573 --> 00:12:31,446
Your little crazy
giggle scream.

314
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:34,361
And all I want to do
is have meaningless sex

315
00:12:34,448 --> 00:12:37,974
with a beautiful woman who, yes,
talks in mind-bending riddles.

316
00:12:38,061 --> 00:12:39,802
But I can't,

317
00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:41,195
because I can't
get your little...

318
00:12:41,282 --> 00:12:45,241
[screaming cackle]
out of my head.

319
00:12:48,028 --> 00:12:50,159
Well, maybe you don't want
to have meaningless sex.

320
00:12:50,246 --> 00:12:51,509
Maybe that's
not your style.

321
00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:52,815
I have a bing-bong
and chickadees.

322
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:54,599
It is my style.

323
00:12:55,904 --> 00:12:57,558
Stop following me.

324
00:12:57,645 --> 00:12:58,951
Then stop running
away from me.

325
00:12:59,038 --> 00:13:00,866
I just want to have
a mature conversation.

326
00:13:00,953 --> 00:13:02,389
How can we have a
mature conversation

327
00:13:02,476 --> 00:13:04,347
when you can't even
say the word "penis"?

328
00:13:04,434 --> 00:13:06,480
I can say the word "pen..."

329
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:08,177
Say it.
I...

330
00:13:08,264 --> 00:13:10,179
"Peernyas."

331
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:12,182
What?
"Peernis."

332
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:14,270
You said "peernis."

333
00:13:14,357 --> 00:13:16,490
♪ Penis. ♪
Not singing.

334
00:13:16,577 --> 00:13:18,536
[deep voice]:
Penis.

335
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:19,885
Not like a ghoul.

336
00:13:19,972 --> 00:13:22,149
[chuckling]:
I... I can say it!

337
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:26,022
Pianist.No, you said "pianist."

338
00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:28,416
Enispay!
Not pig Latin.

339
00:13:28,503 --> 00:13:30,244
"Peernis."Okay, not in Swedish.

340
00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:31,679
"Pemo."Not in fake Italian.

341
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:32,812
[shrieking]:
Penis!

342
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:34,639
Shut up!

343
00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:38,251
Say it with me-- "pe...Pe...

344
00:13:38,338 --> 00:13:40,210
...nis."
...neers.

345
00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:42,472
Yeah, I'm the one
that's immature.

346
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:54,311
Hey, man.
Aah!

347
00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:55,572
I'm the only one
who hasn't seen it.

348
00:13:55,659 --> 00:13:57,357
What?
Just the gun.

349
00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,620
No.
Just the roses.

350
00:13:59,707 --> 00:14:01,884
What?
Just the hub,
where it connects.

351
00:14:01,971 --> 00:14:03,972
Get out.
Fine!

352
00:14:04,059 --> 00:14:05,192
I thought we were
best friends.

353
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:06,453
We are.

354
00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:07,846
Apparently not.

355
00:14:07,933 --> 00:14:09,413
Best friends
don't do this, Schmidt.

356
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:11,153
They do it
all the time.

357
00:14:14,461 --> 00:14:17,072
You laughed?Yeah, I couldn't help it.

358
00:14:17,159 --> 00:14:19,162
Did you freak out and make
that noise that you always make?

359
00:14:19,249 --> 00:14:20,990
What? I don't always
make a noise.

360
00:14:22,557 --> 00:14:25,559
[giggles, cackles]

361
00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:27,082
Fine.

362
00:14:27,169 --> 00:14:28,475
I guess I missed the moment

363
00:14:28,562 --> 00:14:29,956
when everybody got cool
about sex.

364
00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:34,264
I really messed up.

365
00:14:34,350 --> 00:14:36,484
Ah, guys are simple.

366
00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:38,965
You know what I would do?
I would just make it even.

367
00:14:39,052 --> 00:14:41,053
You've seen his; show him yours.

368
00:14:41,140 --> 00:14:42,706
[sighs] No.

369
00:14:42,793 --> 00:14:44,491
I can't do that.

370
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:46,754
Hey, Winston.

371
00:14:46,841 --> 00:14:49,322
Oh, no. Oh, man.

372
00:14:49,409 --> 00:14:51,280
The interview?
Did you mess up?

373
00:14:51,368 --> 00:14:53,500
No, I didn't mess up.

374
00:14:53,587 --> 00:14:55,850
Killed it. I was amazing.

375
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,374
At one point, I
was on the outside

376
00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:59,942
of my body
watching myself be amazing.

377
00:15:00,028 --> 00:15:01,988
Well, that's
a good thing, right?The woman asked me

378
00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:03,903
why I wanted to sell
medical supplies.

379
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:06,644
I had no answer.

380
00:15:06,730 --> 00:15:10,952
I've done anything but play
basketball my entire life.

381
00:15:11,039 --> 00:15:12,999
"Winston Bishop is an
American basketball player

382
00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:14,956
"who played
professionally in Latvia,

383
00:15:15,043 --> 00:15:18,177
and he loves ducks."

384
00:15:18,264 --> 00:15:20,831
Winston, did you write
the part about the ducks?

385
00:15:20,919 --> 00:15:22,529
I don't even like
ducks that much, man.

386
00:15:22,616 --> 00:15:23,966
Okay, look, man.

387
00:15:24,052 --> 00:15:25,489
You got to get off
Wikipedia, all right?

388
00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:26,881
You're going crazy.

389
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,491
I was the guy who
was good enough

390
00:15:28,578 --> 00:15:30,058
to play in Latvia.

391
00:15:30,145 --> 00:15:32,365
And then one day,
I don't know, man--

392
00:15:32,452 --> 00:15:33,845
I just lost it.

393
00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:36,196
They found another
black guy.

394
00:15:36,283 --> 00:15:39,154
Labak melno virietis.

395
00:15:39,241 --> 00:15:41,765
Means "the better
black guy."
A better melno?

396
00:15:41,852 --> 00:15:43,463
You're-you're the best melno.I don't know, man.

397
00:15:43,551 --> 00:15:45,073
I just don't know
what comes next.
You know what

398
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,553
you do next? Come on.
You're gonna get up.

399
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:47,903
Let's get up.
Come on, buddy.

400
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:49,557
We're gonna get you
out of the house.

401
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:50,818
We're gonna get you moving.
It's gonna feel good.

402
00:15:50,905 --> 00:15:52,385
Whoo! This feels good.

403
00:15:52,472 --> 00:15:54,822
[out of breath]:
Totally. I love it.

404
00:15:54,909 --> 00:15:58,000
You know, I think I
was just scared, man.

405
00:15:58,086 --> 00:15:59,567
I've been playing basketball
my whole entire life.

406
00:15:59,653 --> 00:16:01,481
What if I was
wasting my time?

407
00:16:01,568 --> 00:16:03,788
Maybe I should have been
figuring out my life like you.

408
00:16:03,875 --> 00:16:05,399
[laughs] I don't have
anything figured out.

409
00:16:05,485 --> 00:16:07,792
I'm a fully-grown man
with roommates.

410
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:09,880
I have a stupid job.
I'm single.

411
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,927
My best friend won't even
let me see his penis.

412
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:14,015
I mean, my whole life
is a sham.

413
00:16:14,102 --> 00:16:15,625
Aah!

414
00:16:15,712 --> 00:16:17,802
I actually feel
a lot better.

415
00:16:17,889 --> 00:16:19,847
Thanks, Schmidt.
[gasping]

416
00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:21,370
Winston, my legs!

417
00:16:21,457 --> 00:16:23,111
Schmidt?
My legs are
seizing up.

418
00:16:23,198 --> 00:16:25,461
Schmidt!
I hate my life.
I hate my...

419
00:16:25,548 --> 00:16:26,985
making new discoveries.

420
00:16:27,072 --> 00:16:28,378
I'm a fear-based
person, apparently.

421
00:16:28,465 --> 00:16:29,770
Stop it. Go.
I need a...

422
00:16:29,857 --> 00:16:31,990
Give me a hug, please. 911.

423
00:16:32,077 --> 00:16:33,557
Ow. Ow.

424
00:16:37,169 --> 00:16:38,475
Hey.

425
00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:40,086
Hey.

426
00:16:40,173 --> 00:16:42,740
I'm sorry about
last night, Amanda.

427
00:16:42,826 --> 00:16:45,438
So you're... you're, like,
super into "cuddling."

428
00:16:45,525 --> 00:16:47,962
No, I'm not super
into cuddling.

429
00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:49,746
I'm just getting out
of a relationship,

430
00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:51,445
and I think I got nervous.

431
00:16:53,663 --> 00:16:55,448
I've heard that I'm
not great at talking

432
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:58,321
about what I'm
feeling all the time,

433
00:16:58,408 --> 00:17:00,715
and so I'm sorry
about last night.

434
00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:03,717
Honesty.

435
00:17:03,804 --> 00:17:06,286
I like that.

436
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:13,467
[sighs]

437
00:17:13,554 --> 00:17:16,817
[lock clicking]

438
00:17:18,993 --> 00:17:20,386
NICK:
Really nice.

439
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:21,692
[Amanda chuckling]

440
00:17:21,778 --> 00:17:23,041
AMANDA:
Oh, yeah?

441
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:29,526
Oh, yeah!

442
00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:31,136
Okay.

443
00:17:31,223 --> 00:17:33,138
[panting]:
Yeah. Yeah.

444
00:17:36,316 --> 00:17:39,101
Take off your pants.
Take off your pants!Okay, okay, okay, okay.

445
00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:41,016
Take your pants off.Yeah? You want me
to take them off?

446
00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:42,538
Yeah. Yeah. Take them off.
Yeah, take this...Want me to?

447
00:17:42,625 --> 00:17:44,627
Okay. Want me to
take these off?Yeah.

448
00:17:44,714 --> 00:17:46,107
Okay, lights on, pants
off. Here we go.
Okay.

449
00:17:46,194 --> 00:17:47,848
Okay.
Okay. Yeah.

450
00:17:47,935 --> 00:17:50,286
NICK: Oh, I'm totally
cool with this. [laughs]

451
00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:53,072
Yeah.
[sighs] All right.

452
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,377
[chuckles]
Okay.

453
00:17:56,727 --> 00:17:58,424
What are you doing?!

454
00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,557
What is...?! Who is that?!

455
00:18:00,644 --> 00:18:04,560
[screaming]

456
00:18:04,647 --> 00:18:05,997
NICK:
What are you doing?!

457
00:18:10,785 --> 00:18:12,700
Hi. I'm Jess.

458
00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:14,919
Welcome to our home.

459
00:18:21,143 --> 00:18:23,711
We live in a world with rules.
We knock.

460
00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:25,365
We have doors.

461
00:18:25,451 --> 00:18:26,974
And we knock on those doors.

462
00:18:27,061 --> 00:18:29,151
I'm sorry, Nick.

463
00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,066
Just knock!

464
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:37,594
Nick... I...

465
00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:39,682
Put that down.But we have to talk...

466
00:18:39,769 --> 00:18:40,815
Nothing to talk about.

467
00:18:43,817 --> 00:18:47,386
I feel that Nick is not
honoring the Feeling Stick.

468
00:18:50,867 --> 00:18:52,957
I feel me, too.

469
00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:55,786
WINSTON:
I feel Schmidt's had

470
00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:57,657
a particularly bad day,

471
00:18:57,744 --> 00:19:00,442
and I feel that if Nick is
truly Schmidt's friend,

472
00:19:00,529 --> 00:19:02,923
he would show Schmidt
what's in his pants.

473
00:19:04,272 --> 00:19:05,752
I feel supported.

474
00:19:05,839 --> 00:19:07,842
What is going on with you two?

475
00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:09,973
What are you doing?

476
00:19:11,585 --> 00:19:12,759
I feel Nick is yelling.

477
00:19:12,846 --> 00:19:15,066
Stop it!

478
00:19:15,153 --> 00:19:16,241
[door slams]

479
00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:20,420
Yo. I just wanted
to thank you

480
00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:22,596
for taking me running.

481
00:19:22,682 --> 00:19:24,467
Made me feel
a lot better.

482
00:19:24,554 --> 00:19:26,251
Now, I might not have a job
or anything,

483
00:19:26,338 --> 00:19:28,210
but at least I can run a mile.

484
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:30,865
I mean, watching you try to run,
yeah, that was just pathetic.

485
00:19:30,951 --> 00:19:32,692
I needed that.

486
00:19:32,779 --> 00:19:35,042
I suffer from
exercise-induced asthma.

487
00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:37,132
Do you suffer
from exercise-induced crying?

488
00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:39,352
It's a real thing,
man, okay? EIA.

489
00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:41,180
You know what I learned
from the Internet?

490
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:43,182
We got nothing to worry about.

491
00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:45,662
Everybody has
their moment.

492
00:19:45,749 --> 00:19:47,229
We might get a cat one day.

493
00:19:47,316 --> 00:19:48,622
That cat might play
the keyboard.

494
00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:50,363
A bear might fall
on our trampoline.

495
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:52,930
We don't need to have it
figured out right now.

496
00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:54,236
We just need
to be patient.

497
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:55,498
Our moments will come.

498
00:19:56,891 --> 00:19:59,022
Hey, man.

499
00:19:59,109 --> 00:20:01,721
Let's keep bro'ing out.

500
00:20:01,808 --> 00:20:03,332
[knock at door]

501
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:04,811
Come in.

502
00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:08,076
Jess, you don't have to knock

503
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:09,643
once you're
in the room.

504
00:20:12,079 --> 00:20:14,256
I worked on something for you.

505
00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:16,214
All right.

506
00:20:18,652 --> 00:20:20,174
Penis.

507
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:23,047
Very good.

508
00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:24,483
Thank you.

509
00:20:24,570 --> 00:20:26,747
Um, so did Amanda
call you back?

510
00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:28,314
No, I don't see Amanda
calling me back.

511
00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:30,316
I'm sorry.
It's okay.

512
00:20:30,403 --> 00:20:31,621
Maybe you were right.

513
00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:33,013
Maybe I'm not ready

514
00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:34,493
for meaningless sex
with beautiful women.

515
00:20:36,146 --> 00:20:37,758
Well, you know,
maybe when you are,

516
00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:40,760
you'll be able to show
her your other penis.

517
00:20:40,847 --> 00:20:42,806
Your heart penis.

518
00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,677
Get out of my room.
Okay.

519
00:20:44,765 --> 00:20:47,897
Hey, um... [laughs]
when I was, um,

520
00:20:47,984 --> 00:20:49,551
leaving in a hurry,

521
00:20:49,638 --> 00:20:54,557
um, did you see...

522
00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:55,992
everything?

523
00:20:56,079 --> 00:20:57,517
Yup.

524
00:20:57,604 --> 00:21:00,737
Even my... my gumbo pot?

525
00:21:00,824 --> 00:21:03,913
Ugh. Gumbo pot? Get out.

526
00:21:15,011 --> 00:21:16,926
[shower running]

527
00:21:18,406 --> 00:21:20,800
Get out, Schmidt.

528
00:21:20,887 --> 00:21:22,977
I'm the only one
who hasn't seen it.