1 00:00:01,068 --> 00:00:04,003 It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. 2 00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:07,875 Nick is Knickknack, or Mr. Suspenders. No nicknames, okay? 3 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,811 Your only job tonight is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay? 4 00:00:10,843 --> 00:00:13,246 And make sure that he stays out of trouble with Caroline. 5 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:15,548 Why can't you and Winston help? We've tried. 6 00:00:15,583 --> 00:00:17,117 He doesn't listen to us anymore. 7 00:00:17,150 --> 00:00:20,120 (crying) Look, she's not coming back. 8 00:00:20,153 --> 00:00:21,355 He's right. I don't. 9 00:00:21,388 --> 00:00:23,091 * Da, da-da, dah! 10 00:00:23,123 --> 00:00:25,259 No! That is the ugliest dress 11 00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:27,361 I have ever seen, Jess. 12 00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:29,597 I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? 13 00:00:29,629 --> 00:00:31,632 When I see you, I want to be thinking, 14 00:00:31,664 --> 00:00:34,534 "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?" 15 00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:37,104 (in Cockney accent) Probably the slut butler, right? 16 00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:39,640 (laughing) Yo, let's go. We can't be late. 17 00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:42,375 I am in the wedding. You're the usher, so relax. 18 00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:44,512 Yeah, I'll be busy. That way, I won't have to sit around 19 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,479 answering a bunch of stupid questions all day. 20 00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:49,649 Like, do you have a job? Are you still playing basketball? 21 00:00:49,682 --> 00:00:52,786 Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball? 22 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:54,322 What is the matter with you? 23 00:00:54,354 --> 00:00:56,124 This is the first job I've had in, like, two months, dude, 24 00:00:56,156 --> 00:00:57,424 and I really want to just get in there 25 00:00:57,457 --> 00:00:58,625 and ush this wedding in the face! 26 00:00:58,658 --> 00:01:00,893 You're gonna be great, man. So when we do 27 00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:03,231 the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. 28 00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:04,998 I know that it usually goes, like... 29 00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:06,200 * Da-da, da-da, da-da, da... 30 00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:07,600 Oh. * Da-da, da-da, da-da, da. 31 00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:08,736 (humming) 32 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,871 But instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. 33 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,606 'Cause it's more realistic. 34 00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:15,108 No chicken dance! 35 00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:16,644 Look, we're not trying to be mean. 36 00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:20,114 We just don't want you to be yourself... in any way. 37 00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:22,549 Okay. Suppress the Jess. 38 00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,352 Got it. 39 00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:25,918 Did you use my hair gel? 40 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,320 Did I use your hair gel? 41 00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:29,890 I'm not gonna be mad. Just let me know if you did. 42 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,024 No. You sure? 43 00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:32,126 I used your hair gel. 44 00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:33,793 Are you serious? 45 00:01:33,826 --> 00:01:36,129 NICK: Yeah. It's... 46 00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:39,700 Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house? 47 00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:42,135 Wow. You look great. 48 00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:45,104 Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins. 49 00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:46,539 No! 50 00:01:46,573 --> 00:01:48,808 No teeth, Jess. You can't use prop teeth. 51 00:01:48,841 --> 00:01:49,909 Come on, guys. 52 00:01:49,942 --> 00:01:51,212 These are hilarious. 53 00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:52,479 Kids love these. 54 00:01:53,213 --> 00:01:55,448 * Who's that girl? 55 00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:57,817 * Who's that girl? * * It's Jess. 56 00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:07,126 You want to know one of my beauty secrets? 57 00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:09,296 The only way I could fit in this dress 58 00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:12,032 was by wearing little girl's bicycle shorts underneath. 59 00:02:12,064 --> 00:02:13,234 * They are tight 60 00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:15,235 * I will not be peeing tonight! * 61 00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:16,503 Oh, my God, bubbles. 62 00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:18,572 No, no, no, no, Jess. No bubbles, no bubbles, please. 63 00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:23,711 Ooh, a lot of big game here tonight. Yo. 64 00:02:23,743 --> 00:02:26,079 Oh. Oh, there's Brooke. JESS: Who's Brooke? 65 00:02:26,112 --> 00:02:27,914 He's been into her since freshman year. 66 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,516 She used to get drunk and pass out on our porch. 67 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,419 It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat. 68 00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:32,953 I'd always leave water out for her. 69 00:02:32,985 --> 00:02:35,021 Okay. Tonight just got real. 70 00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:36,689 She goes on top of the kill list. 71 00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,192 Is that because you're gonna attempt 72 00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:39,992 to kill her by having sex with her? 73 00:02:40,026 --> 00:02:41,395 More or less, yeah. 74 00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:43,796 Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl. 75 00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:47,867 Look at my new boyfriend. 76 00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:50,903 So fancy in his big boy tie. 77 00:02:50,937 --> 00:02:52,340 Jess, would you please stop? 78 00:02:52,372 --> 00:02:53,906 Okay, what is it with Caroline? 79 00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:54,875 You're like a different person. 80 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:57,811 Just focus on getting through today, please. 81 00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,146 Okay, Mr. Boy T. Friend. 82 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,181 What did I tell you? 83 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,716 Don't be myself. Yes. 84 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,551 That's what I love about our relationship. 85 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:05,919 You never let me be myself. 86 00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:09,956 (man whispers) Hey! 87 00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,324 Winston! Hey. 88 00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:13,860 You're back. Yeah. 89 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,263 What are you up to? Where you working at? 90 00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:18,265 Here. As an usher. 91 00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:20,668 Hi. What a beautiful dress. 92 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,201 I'm surprised you noticed the dress. 93 00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:23,670 I was distracted by the woman inside. 94 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,707 Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher. 95 00:03:27,740 --> 00:03:29,109 Alternate usher. 96 00:03:29,141 --> 00:03:30,811 I mean, I'm here. I'm the usher. 97 00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:32,246 You were late. It's called commitment. 98 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,046 Look it up in a typewriter, old man. 99 00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,015 What?! How much money do you make? 100 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,084 Where is your mother? 101 00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:38,117 WOMAN: Can someone help me? 102 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,118 BOTH: Hello. Bride or groom? 103 00:03:39,151 --> 00:03:41,288 Oh, thank you. 104 00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:43,557 (clicks tongue) 105 00:03:47,527 --> 00:03:49,663 Oh, no. No, not tonight. 106 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:52,199 No! 107 00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:53,165 Who is that? 108 00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:54,401 Gretchen Nelson. 109 00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:55,603 She's a terrible person. 110 00:03:55,635 --> 00:03:56,969 We can't stand each other. 111 00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:58,639 At every wedding, we end up... 112 00:03:58,671 --> 00:03:59,706 having sex. 113 00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:04,344 (moaning) ("Wedding March" plays) 114 00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:07,980 (loud grunting) (traditional Jewish music plays) 115 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,419 I mean, look, the sex is amazing. 116 00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:13,687 Oh, she's coming over. 117 00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:15,055 Hey, there are those people that we know. 118 00:04:15,087 --> 00:04:16,189 Oh, what people? 119 00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:17,457 (clears throat) 120 00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:19,091 Hello, Gretchen. 121 00:04:19,125 --> 00:04:21,161 Uh-huh. 122 00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:22,396 I see you wore the pantsuit again. 123 00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:23,697 This is a new one. 124 00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:26,934 It's got way more stretch... in the pants. 125 00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:29,036 That's horrible. Are you ready for tonight? 126 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,036 I'm gonna tie you down 127 00:04:30,069 --> 00:04:32,473 and show you pictures of my river rafting trip. 128 00:04:32,505 --> 00:04:34,442 Oh, my God, how many are there? 129 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:36,677 It's a two-hour slideshow. No, Gretchen. 130 00:04:36,709 --> 00:04:38,144 We can't do this anymore, okay? 131 00:04:38,177 --> 00:04:39,447 It's not... It's not healthy. 132 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,880 All right? Please, no more. Yeah. 133 00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:44,216 There she is. There she is. 134 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,185 She's right over there. There she is. 135 00:04:46,218 --> 00:04:48,187 She's right over here. She's right... 136 00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:50,223 Just be cool... Okay, okay. 137 00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:51,858 Hi. 138 00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:52,725 Hey, Caroline. Wow. 139 00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:54,894 I didn't know you were gonna be here. 140 00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:56,163 Great to see you. 141 00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:57,497 Nicholas, you have to introduce me. 142 00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,132 Uh, yeah, of course. 143 00:04:59,165 --> 00:05:01,535 Uh, Jess, this is Caroline. 144 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:02,403 Hi. 145 00:05:02,435 --> 00:05:04,137 One more time. Cara-lee? 146 00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:05,906 Uh, Caroline. Caraloo? 147 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,274 Coraline? Caroline. 148 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:11,110 Okay. Fancy. 149 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,079 Well, I'm Nicholas's girlfriend. 150 00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:14,415 We just started dating, 151 00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:17,451 so we're still in that honeymoon phase. 152 00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:19,552 I barely sleep. So much doing it. 153 00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:21,021 NICK: So much doing it. 154 00:05:21,053 --> 00:05:22,221 It's crazy. 155 00:05:22,254 --> 00:05:23,591 He's so soft, like a towel. 156 00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:25,725 Well, it was nice to meet you. 157 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,827 So nice to meet you, too, Carol. 158 00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:28,762 Caroline. 159 00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:30,564 (laughing) I give up! I guess 160 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,165 I'll see you later. 161 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:33,533 For sure, for sure, for sure. 162 00:05:37,404 --> 00:05:39,372 Oh, my God. Was she jealous? 163 00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:42,042 I think she was jealous. You did so good. 164 00:05:42,074 --> 00:05:43,476 That was remarkable. 165 00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:46,312 I just done what my mama learnt me. 166 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,682 Give me the teeth. 167 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,894 Brooke. 168 00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:03,831 Hi. Wow. 169 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:04,932 Schmidt. 170 00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:08,035 You used to borrow my poncho freshman year. 171 00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:09,101 Remember that? No. 172 00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:14,206 Fat Schmidt? 173 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,341 Fat Schmidt! 174 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,209 Of course! Wow. 175 00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:19,178 You look great. 176 00:06:19,211 --> 00:06:21,113 You, also, for sure. 177 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,716 Um, how are your classes? 178 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,084 I mean, not that we're... not that we're in school anymore. 179 00:06:25,117 --> 00:06:26,218 I know that. 180 00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:28,422 What are you drinking? White wine? 181 00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:29,990 I'm not drinking. 182 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,459 I'm sober, six months. 183 00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:33,125 Can I get a seltzer, please? 184 00:06:33,159 --> 00:06:34,528 Me, too. 185 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,295 You're six months sober, also? 186 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:37,531 Seven months. One more. 187 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,298 Wow. That's great. 188 00:06:39,331 --> 00:06:41,233 Congratulations. 189 00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:42,369 Here's your, uh, white wine. 190 00:06:42,401 --> 00:06:44,137 What? What? That's a mistake. 191 00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:44,971 No, I didn't order that. No! 192 00:06:45,004 --> 00:06:46,338 No, sir! 193 00:06:46,372 --> 00:06:48,207 (sighs) Even the... even smell of it. 194 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:49,843 I'm gonna run back to my table. 195 00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:53,079 But you can come talk to me if you need to. 196 00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:54,882 Oh. Okay, thank you. 197 00:06:56,348 --> 00:06:58,485 So what I need you to do is this. 198 00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:01,187 I need you to put vodka in a water bottle, okay? 199 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,690 Then rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay? 200 00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:07,495 Same page? Same page? 201 00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,161 (laughs) 202 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,833 This kid is pushing my buttons. 203 00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:15,668 Winston, he's just a little boy. Relax. 204 00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:18,137 If Brooke asks, I'm six months clean and sober, 205 00:07:18,170 --> 00:07:19,406 and looking to settle down. 206 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,509 Great. Schmidt's sober. 207 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:22,643 What are you doing? 208 00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:25,077 She's looking at us. 209 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:30,317 Your head is shaped like a yam. 210 00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:32,384 Yeah, I know. I can't wear soft hats. 211 00:07:32,418 --> 00:07:33,754 Uh-huh. Hey, when she comes here, 212 00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:34,954 I want to talk to her by myself. 213 00:07:34,987 --> 00:07:36,956 No. Are you sure? Jess, I'm fine, for real. 214 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,024 Hi. 215 00:07:38,057 --> 00:07:40,528 Could that ceremony have lasted any longer? 216 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:41,894 It really was... Ha, ha. We loved it. 217 00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:44,798 Taking notes in case Mr. Commitment-Phobe over here 218 00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:46,432 decides to make an honest woman out of me. 219 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,399 Oh. 220 00:07:47,433 --> 00:07:48,869 Hey, Jess, 221 00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:51,004 did you want to go do that thing from...? 222 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,040 Yes, I did. I want to do it very badly. 223 00:07:53,072 --> 00:07:53,941 Yup. Thank you. 224 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:57,310 And now, for the first time ever, 225 00:07:57,343 --> 00:08:00,413 Mr. and Mrs. Handelman-Pyong. 226 00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:01,848 * 227 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:06,353 (applause, cheering and whistling) 228 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,889 Yay! Bride and groom! 229 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,591 Make way! 230 00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:15,095 Huzzah! Celebrate love! 231 00:08:15,127 --> 00:08:20,132 Get ready for a wonderful life of merriment and joy. 232 00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,603 Jess is... great. 233 00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:26,038 The best. Yeah, so happy. 234 00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:28,375 Are you guys pretty serious, or...? 235 00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,377 Yeah, we are pretty serious. 236 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,245 Yeah, we live together. 237 00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:34,313 I mean, different bedrooms, but shared bathroom, 238 00:08:34,346 --> 00:08:35,883 so that's something. 239 00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:38,586 Alcohol. Any kind of alcohol you have. 240 00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,287 Just give me anything. 241 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,321 Thank you. 242 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,056 Give me that. 243 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,024 Oh, God. 244 00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:47,326 It's like you're lapping it out of a puddle. 245 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,663 Ugh! Where'd you get those boots, off a lady hiker? 246 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:53,767 Look at those earrings. Are they clip-ons? 247 00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:55,335 I'm gonna make you wear them. 248 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,504 (sighs) 249 00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,907 Huh? No. 250 00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:00,941 No? 251 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:05,111 * 252 00:09:05,144 --> 00:09:06,947 Is it bad that I can't feel my legs? 253 00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,115 Yes-- now let's talk about my problems. 254 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,884 Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. 255 00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,451 I deserve someone like Brooke. 256 00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:13,721 She's perfect, 257 00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:16,188 and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic, 258 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:19,359 mean-spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen. 259 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,662 It's just-- that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? 260 00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:22,696 Not tonight. 261 00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:23,864 What's so bad about liking Gretchen? 262 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,398 I mean, you guys obviously have, 263 00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:26,734 like, a weird connection. 264 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,902 No, no, no, no, I want to connect with Brooke. 265 00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,770 I want to connect with her in the shower, on the floor... 266 00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:32,004 Okay, you know what? 267 00:09:32,038 --> 00:09:33,240 ...sitting Indian style. You can keep talking, 268 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,676 but I'm going to put my hands over my ears. 269 00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,778 We got a problem. What? 270 00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:40,847 Jess, what did you do? 271 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,049 What? They're fine, they're just talking. 272 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:46,820 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, with Caroline he is not fine. 273 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:49,288 Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, 274 00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:51,991 then sent me a ten-page e-mail about what she meant 275 00:09:52,024 --> 00:09:54,027 when she said, "I'll see you soon." 276 00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:58,030 She will flirt with him until she knows she can have him. 277 00:09:58,065 --> 00:10:00,133 It's like he's her backup plan. 278 00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:01,301 I didn't know that. 279 00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:02,302 You want to live with Nick 280 00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:04,136 when he's not showering and crying all day? 281 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:05,839 He sounds like this. (sobbing rapidly) 282 00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:06,807 You ever heard a grown man sob 283 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,575 and listen to Simon and Garfunkel? 284 00:10:08,607 --> 00:10:09,710 Yeah, my dad. Yeah. 285 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,745 Okay, I get it... but I just... 286 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,513 These bicycle shorts are really tight. 287 00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,648 Come on, 288 00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:17,517 work through it, woman. Okay, okay. 289 00:10:17,549 --> 00:10:20,153 Okay. 290 00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:22,022 It's all on you, Jess. 291 00:10:22,054 --> 00:10:25,692 * 292 00:10:26,592 --> 00:10:28,895 Come on in, honey. 293 00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:30,798 The water's fine. 294 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,899 Jess, you know I don't dance. 295 00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:35,567 Oh, but you didn't know that I did this. 296 00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:37,370 I'm mime-walking. 297 00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:38,571 I'm Mime-chael Jackson. 298 00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:40,307 I'm gonna get a drink. Me, too. 299 00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:41,908 Nick, wait, no. 300 00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:43,409 Jess, relax, this is good. 301 00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:45,879 I may actually have a chance, and it's all because of you, 302 00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:46,846 so thank you. No, Nick, 303 00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:47,847 that wasn't my intention. 304 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,417 Nick-- oh, hi. 305 00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:54,053 I don't feel like dancing right now, I'm sorry. 306 00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:57,790 * 307 00:10:57,825 --> 00:11:01,160 I'm... really uncomfortable right now. 308 00:11:01,193 --> 00:11:03,429 Oh, Winston, thank God! Nick got away. 309 00:11:03,462 --> 00:11:04,965 Nick can wait. 310 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:05,899 This... 311 00:11:05,932 --> 00:11:07,600 this is about honor. 312 00:11:07,634 --> 00:11:11,772 (people cheering) 313 00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:15,174 DEEJAY: And... it looks like we have a dance-off! 314 00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:17,945 (people whistling) 315 00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,048 What?! 316 00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,349 Oh, my God, what are you doing? 317 00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:23,482 Mommy? 318 00:11:23,515 --> 00:11:26,119 (people groaning) 319 00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,889 Nick? Nick? 320 00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:35,394 A chocolate fountain. 321 00:11:35,427 --> 00:11:38,130 Reminds me of the one in Tuscany. You ever been? 322 00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:40,533 Yeah. I was just there for New Year's. 323 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,034 Where's the chocolate fountain? 324 00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:43,235 I don't know, I've never been. 325 00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,672 I'm just fascinated with the culture. 326 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,706 Schmidt! Schmidt, I need you to help me 327 00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:50,143 get these off so I can go find Nick! 328 00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,178 God, are you friends with that girl? 329 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:54,313 Schmidt! 330 00:11:54,346 --> 00:11:55,783 Okay, look, I... 331 00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:58,485 I didn't want to have to tell you this, but... 332 00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:01,922 she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. 333 00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:03,590 It was like I was her Sid and she was 334 00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:06,025 my Nancy, and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it, 335 00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:09,096 and the poor thing just went... she went crazy. 336 00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:11,063 Schmidt, I need you to come help me slap my thighs around! 337 00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:12,099 Look, I don't want to scare you, 338 00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:13,833 but she can be really dangerous when she drinks. 339 00:12:13,866 --> 00:12:16,568 Okay? I shouldn't even be in the same room with her, 340 00:12:16,602 --> 00:12:18,238 it's just... (sighs) 341 00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:20,307 it feels so good talking to you. 342 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,708 Maybe we should get you out of here. 343 00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:24,211 What a great idea. Yes! 344 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,078 I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly. 345 00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:28,648 Whatever you need, whatever... of course. 346 00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:29,850 (flashbulb pops) 347 00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:31,317 Ready? No lips. 348 00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:34,822 Name one, name one. Do, uh, wind tunnel. 349 00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,123 Super high driver's license. 350 00:12:36,155 --> 00:12:37,690 (laughing) 351 00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:40,360 Can we stay in here all night? 352 00:12:44,463 --> 00:12:46,332 JESS: Oh, hi. 353 00:12:46,365 --> 00:12:48,600 (singsong) Schmidt is very fond of you. 354 00:12:48,634 --> 00:12:50,070 Um, look, I don't... 355 00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:52,272 I, uh, I don't even really know him that well, 356 00:12:52,304 --> 00:12:53,340 okay? Oh. 357 00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,674 I'm just cutting off my underwear. You know. 358 00:12:55,707 --> 00:12:57,144 (singsong) Girl stuff. 359 00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:58,846 (grunts) 360 00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:01,280 (grunting) 361 00:13:01,313 --> 00:13:02,548 (relieved sigh) 362 00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:03,682 (exhales loudly) 363 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,052 So tight. 364 00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:07,988 Well, it's been really nice chatting with you. 365 00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:09,956 But I've got a pretend 366 00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,958 boyfriend to hunt down. I think he's 367 00:13:11,991 --> 00:13:13,961 cheating on me. 368 00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:17,429 Oh, and don't break Schmidt's heart, or you'll have me to deal with. 369 00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:18,431 (sighs) 370 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:21,368 (chuckles) 371 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:22,434 This is fun. 372 00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:27,706 Aha! I trusted you! 373 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:28,774 Jess, get out of here. Nothing happened. 374 00:13:28,807 --> 00:13:29,676 After everything we built. 375 00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:30,844 Go away, Jess, please. 376 00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:32,946 Who are you?! 377 00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,914 No, really, nothing happened. I have a boyfriend. 378 00:13:34,947 --> 00:13:38,350 Wait, you have a boyfriend? 379 00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,552 Yeah, well, I-I've been seeing someone. I didn't bring him 380 00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:42,154 because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, 381 00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:44,390 but now I know that you have Jess... Yeah, he has me. 382 00:13:44,423 --> 00:13:46,658 And our baby! 383 00:13:46,692 --> 00:13:48,595 Okay, I'm just gonna let you guys... 384 00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:51,965 And our other baby! 385 00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:53,100 Jess, what happened with Brooke? 386 00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,567 What? She just left here in tears 387 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,802 because she said that you threatened her with a knife? 388 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,971 No, I was talking you up! 389 00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,373 No, you shouldn't have been talking me up. 390 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,674 You should have been taking care of Nick. 391 00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:05,611 Why is it so hard to do one thing? 392 00:14:05,644 --> 00:14:07,114 How is this my fault? Ruiner. 393 00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:10,582 Did you just call me a ruiner? 394 00:14:10,616 --> 00:14:12,019 Yeah. 395 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:14,854 Okay, you know what? Forget it. 396 00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,222 I'm not helping you guys anymore. 397 00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:17,724 Give me my teeth back. Stop it. 398 00:14:17,756 --> 00:14:20,027 You don't appreciate them. Cool it! 399 00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:21,661 Give them back. 400 00:14:21,693 --> 00:14:23,931 I'm gonna have fun, 401 00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:26,265 'cause there's nothing wrong with who I am, 402 00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:27,934 and I like having fun at weddings. 403 00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,769 And I like dancing. 404 00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:33,572 And if you don't like that, then tough tater tots, tooter. 405 00:14:33,605 --> 00:14:35,408 Jess is back! 406 00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:38,345 Oh. 407 00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:45,217 Oh, you're going home with me, aren't you? 408 00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:46,953 Oh... 409 00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:50,523 Good boy. 410 00:14:56,428 --> 00:14:58,798 (sighs) 411 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,333 * 412 00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:04,636 That's Caroline and that's me. 413 00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,105 Four years. 414 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:08,841 Four years together, so... 415 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:10,309 It doesn't matter to me. 416 00:15:10,342 --> 00:15:13,812 It's just-- what matters is respect. 417 00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:15,115 (sobbing) I'm just so alone 418 00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:16,749 right now, man. 419 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,585 It is a real bad situation. 420 00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:19,986 Uh, Steve and Bree, babe. 421 00:15:20,019 --> 00:15:21,453 Steve and Bree, 'cause that's what this is about. 422 00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:22,788 I agree with you. 423 00:15:22,822 --> 00:15:24,524 You're good at your job, babe. 424 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:27,027 I'm so happy for you two. 425 00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:28,695 You look great. 426 00:15:28,727 --> 00:15:30,629 It feels a little bit like you're rubbing it in my face, 427 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,865 your little happiness, but let's be honest, Bree, 428 00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:35,335 this doesn't look great on you-- this. 429 00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:37,403 That's not a great look, Bree! 430 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,740 Congratulations, Steve. Nice fedora. 431 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,808 And no open bar, Steve?! 432 00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:45,011 Don't you understand that's tacky?! 433 00:15:45,044 --> 00:15:49,548 Your dad's rich, you're a lawyer, man. 434 00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:51,551 Yeah! 435 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,186 That happened! 436 00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:00,592 The photo booth is a liar-- FYI. 437 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:03,562 Oh, hey, ladies, you guys want to see a grown man cry? 438 00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:05,664 No? Then get out! 439 00:16:05,697 --> 00:16:09,436 I think I saw a single doctor looking at you! 440 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:12,038 This is gonna take awhile, Orange. 441 00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:19,645 (Johnny Mathis' "Chances Are" plays) 442 00:16:19,678 --> 00:16:21,347 Hey, there, partner. 443 00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,750 (chuckling) 444 00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:25,985 (sighs) 445 00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:28,020 Hey, can I tell you something 446 00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:31,691 you promise to never tell Schmidt? 447 00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:33,159 I love bubbles. 448 00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:36,729 I don't know why, I just always have. 449 00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:39,698 You see that? That was like two in one. Oh! 450 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,635 You okay? 451 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,705 Yeah, I'm fine. 452 00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,407 Those guys were jerks. 453 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,775 But I know they're glad you're around. 454 00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:51,411 Really? 455 00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:53,179 Yeah! 456 00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:55,248 They're not just gonna come out and say it, though. 457 00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:57,950 Especially Nick, you know, but they're all thinking it. 458 00:16:57,984 --> 00:16:59,686 Even me. 459 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,620 Most of the time. 460 00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:08,295 It was weird when I was stuck in a freak sandwich 461 00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:10,196 between you and that eight-year-old. 462 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:12,030 Do you want to talk about that? 463 00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:16,502 You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying, so... 464 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:20,106 I kind of took my feelings out with dance...? 465 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:24,111 Okay, so, uh, we have a situation. 466 00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:27,913 But I'm gonna leave the booth to clowns, but I'm not gonna leave it, so-- 467 00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:29,582 Hey, Nick, how you doing, buddy? 468 00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:33,353 They want me to leave the booth, but I'm staying. 469 00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:36,423 This is my home now. It's got everything that I need. 470 00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:38,790 You can see by looking at these pictures 471 00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,094 that he's experiencing a variety of different emotions. 472 00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:43,329 This one is... well, that's actually his butt. 473 00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:46,098 He just keeps saying "Jess." 474 00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:49,269 Jess, the fact is that I was a mean person 475 00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:51,270 and I'm sorry, okay? 476 00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:56,942 Hi, Nicholas. 477 00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:58,978 Hey, Jess, I live in a photo booth now. 478 00:17:59,010 --> 00:18:00,180 Oh, is that so? 479 00:18:00,212 --> 00:18:02,249 Yep, come on in, come on in. 480 00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:03,215 Thank you. That's the kitchen area. 481 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,451 Very nice. This is the common area. 482 00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:07,854 Okay. Dining room, living room, kind of everything. 483 00:18:07,886 --> 00:18:10,190 It's very nice. 484 00:18:10,222 --> 00:18:13,792 Hey! She has a boyfriend. 485 00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:17,196 She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night. 486 00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:19,598 You can't be her backup plan. 487 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:22,469 You have to let each other go. 488 00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:25,372 So now, you have to make a decision. 489 00:18:25,404 --> 00:18:29,509 "Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour, 490 00:18:29,541 --> 00:18:34,146 "or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off, 491 00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,215 and dance my face off?" 492 00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:37,750 (chuckles) 493 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,119 Come on, it's up to you. 494 00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:47,626 Oh man. 495 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,229 All right. 496 00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:53,400 I love you, photo booth. 497 00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:58,971 * 498 00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:01,307 (indistinct conversations) 499 00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:04,743 Yo, look at him. 500 00:19:05,944 --> 00:19:07,247 He looks better. 501 00:19:07,279 --> 00:19:09,215 I can't do this anymore. 502 00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:13,220 I have to let you go, Caroline, for real. 503 00:19:13,252 --> 00:19:14,953 It has to be over. 504 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,589 (sighs) 505 00:19:20,259 --> 00:19:22,094 Good-bye. 506 00:19:22,127 --> 00:19:24,797 Good luck and everything. 507 00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:30,569 Good-bye. 508 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:35,208 All right, um, I've got to... Excuse me. 509 00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:38,244 (Phil Collins' "Groovy Kind of Love" playing) 510 00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:40,913 ( sighs ) 511 00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:45,218 * When I'm feeling blue 512 00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:46,786 Come on, Jess. 513 00:19:46,818 --> 00:19:47,854 What? 514 00:19:47,886 --> 00:19:50,856 Just please, just come with me right now. 515 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,424 Okay. Thank you. 516 00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:56,328 * Then I'm not so blue 517 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:59,030 * When you're close to me 518 00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:02,634 * I can feel your heart beat 519 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:09,276 * I can hear you breathing in my ear * 520 00:20:09,308 --> 00:20:12,010 * Wouldn't you agree? 521 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:19,486 * Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love * 522 00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:22,388 That looks like so much fun. 523 00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:25,625 * Anytime you want to 524 00:20:25,657 --> 00:20:29,095 (chuckling) * You can turn me on to 525 00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:31,498 * Anything you want to Okay. 526 00:20:31,530 --> 00:20:34,967 * Anytime at all 527 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,671 * When I kiss your lips 528 00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:42,741 * Ooh, I start to shiver 529 00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:48,980 * Can't control the quivering inside * 530 00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:51,116 * Wouldn't you agree? 531 00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:55,788 * Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love * 532 00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:57,923 Check out my beaks. 533 00:20:57,957 --> 00:21:01,192 Stop copying my beaks. 534 00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:12,439 Gretchen, you think that, like, hooking up 535 00:21:12,471 --> 00:21:13,772 at all these weddings... I mean, one of 536 00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:15,842 these times, we can go on an actual date? 537 00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:19,912 No. I'm just using you for your body. 538 00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:24,016 Oh. Okay. Cool. 539 00:21:24,049 --> 00:21:25,984 How many more of these things? 540 00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:28,186 We're just getting started. 541 00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,821 (sighs) 542 00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:31,057 That yellow helmet. 543 00:21:31,089 --> 00:21:32,290 Ugh! 544 00:21:32,325 --> 00:21:34,560 Tonight I'm gonna get certified 545 00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:36,496 on the River Schmidt.