1 00:00:01,697 --> 00:00:04,177 So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, 2 00:00:04,264 --> 00:00:06,658 "Oh, my God, there's something in the basement. 3 00:00:06,745 --> 00:00:08,529 "Let me just run down there in my underwear 4 00:00:08,617 --> 00:00:10,183 and see what's going on in the dark." 5 00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:12,054 And you're like, "What is your problem? 6 00:00:12,141 --> 00:00:14,144 Call the police." And she's like, "Okay," 7 00:00:14,230 --> 00:00:16,538 but it's too late, because she's already getting murdered? 8 00:00:16,625 --> 00:00:19,583 Well, uh, my story's kind of like that. 9 00:00:20,977 --> 00:00:23,065 It's a surprise for Spencer. 10 00:00:23,152 --> 00:00:24,414 I'm just gonna walk in, and I'm gonna 11 00:00:24,501 --> 00:00:25,807 drop my coat on the ground. 12 00:00:25,894 --> 00:00:27,722 He says he has this fantasy 13 00:00:27,809 --> 00:00:30,291 that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold, 14 00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:32,335 and he's helping me put myself through college. 15 00:00:32,423 --> 00:00:34,555 He didn't say the college part, did he? 16 00:00:34,643 --> 00:00:37,298 Um, no. I wanted to create a three-dimensional sex character. 17 00:00:37,384 --> 00:00:38,863 Really? 18 00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:40,082 What's your stripper name? 19 00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:43,042 Uh, Rebecca Johnson. 20 00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:45,219 Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson? 21 00:00:45,305 --> 00:00:46,871 Boobies Johnson. 22 00:00:46,959 --> 00:00:48,482 Two Boobs Johnson. 23 00:00:48,570 --> 00:00:51,485 Look at you, in the back of a cab, totally naked. 24 00:00:51,573 --> 00:00:53,661 I am so proud of you. 25 00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,884 Hello. 26 00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:01,625 I came home early. 27 00:01:01,713 --> 00:01:03,106 Jess! What... 28 00:01:03,192 --> 00:01:06,066 Who's Jess? 29 00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:08,850 You're talking to Tiger Boobs. 30 00:01:11,245 --> 00:01:13,073 Oh... 31 00:01:13,159 --> 00:01:15,204 ♪ Bu-bubba-bubba-bubba ♪Uh... 32 00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:17,206 ♪ I'm doing sexy things ♪ 33 00:01:17,293 --> 00:01:19,253 ♪ With a pillow ♪ 34 00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:20,471 Just... 35 00:01:20,557 --> 00:01:21,993 ♪ She's doing sexy stuff ♪ 36 00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:23,822 ♪ To the plant right... ♪ 37 00:01:23,908 --> 00:01:25,301 Okay.♪ I'll pick that up ♪ 38 00:01:25,388 --> 00:01:26,956 ♪ Later ♪ 39 00:01:27,043 --> 00:01:29,524 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 40 00:01:29,611 --> 00:01:35,659 ♪ Who's that girl...? ♪ 41 00:01:35,746 --> 00:01:36,835 ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 42 00:01:36,921 --> 00:01:38,054 Oh. 43 00:01:43,972 --> 00:01:46,496 That's why I need a new apartment. 44 00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:48,673 I'm sorry, what was the question again? 45 00:01:48,759 --> 00:01:51,719 Do you have any pets? 46 00:01:51,807 --> 00:01:54,331 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ Who's that girl?♪ 47 00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:56,332 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ Who's that girl?♪ 48 00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:57,725 ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 49 00:02:00,555 --> 00:02:01,772 You know what's funny? 50 00:02:01,859 --> 00:02:03,731 When I saw your ad on Craigslist, 51 00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:06,343 I thought you were women. 52 00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,389 [laughter]We're all... that's... 53 00:02:08,475 --> 00:02:09,781 Why would you think that? That's crazy. 54 00:02:09,867 --> 00:02:11,217 I mean, what... 55 00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:13,133 Schmidt wrote the ad.Oh, I guess, 56 00:02:13,219 --> 00:02:14,872 it was something about the words you used. 57 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:19,616 It was like, uh, like, "sun-soaked" and "beige-y." 58 00:02:19,704 --> 00:02:21,793 [laughter] 59 00:02:21,879 --> 00:02:22,794 What are you doing? 60 00:02:23,838 --> 00:02:25,014 What about these? 61 00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:26,188 These look beige-y to you? 62 00:02:26,276 --> 00:02:27,842 Sorry. 63 00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:28,973 I'm his trainer, so, uh, 64 00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:30,019 it's kind of the house 65 00:02:30,105 --> 00:02:31,151 that Coach built right here. 66 00:02:31,237 --> 00:02:32,239 What are we looking at here? 67 00:02:32,325 --> 00:02:33,195 That's baby smooth. 68 00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:34,545 This is LLS. 69 00:02:34,632 --> 00:02:35,719 Ladies Love Schmidt. 70 00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,808 What?! What did you just say? 71 00:02:37,896 --> 00:02:39,593 Go put a dollar in the jar right now. 72 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:40,985 Are you serious?Yeah. Now. 73 00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,248 Damn it. 74 00:02:42,336 --> 00:02:43,379 LLS? 75 00:02:43,466 --> 00:02:44,860 What is wrong with you? 76 00:02:44,947 --> 00:02:47,341 This place is beautiful. 77 00:02:47,427 --> 00:02:48,733 Got so much light. 78 00:02:48,819 --> 00:02:51,344 Spencer hated light. 79 00:02:51,432 --> 00:02:52,781 It's hard to say his name. 80 00:02:52,867 --> 00:02:53,694 SCHMIDT: It's okay. 81 00:02:53,781 --> 00:02:55,262 Nick knows. He got dumped. 82 00:02:55,348 --> 00:02:56,784 [scoffs]: Dumped. 83 00:02:56,872 --> 00:02:58,569 Yeah, I got dumped. 84 00:02:58,656 --> 00:03:00,180 I can't hear you! That means we're not breaking up! 85 00:03:00,266 --> 00:03:01,877 Yes, we're breaking up. 86 00:03:01,963 --> 00:03:03,182 No! La-la-la-la-la!I'm breaking up with you. 87 00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,139 I need some time away... 88 00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:06,707 Yeah, I got dumped. 89 00:03:06,794 --> 00:03:08,144 She dumped me. 90 00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:09,318 And I'm over it. 91 00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:11,015 Okay, it was six months ago, guys. 92 00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:12,713 Get past it. 93 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,628 I don't even know why we're still talking about it. 94 00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:16,456 Why's everybody looking at me? 95 00:03:19,546 --> 00:03:22,331 You know what, I want to live here. 96 00:03:22,419 --> 00:03:24,247 Actually, I-I still have some questions. 97 00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:26,423 I mean, like, no offense, you know, but we barely know you. 98 00:03:26,509 --> 00:03:27,381 Yeah, okay, yeah. 99 00:03:27,467 --> 00:03:29,774 So, um, full disclosure, 100 00:03:29,860 --> 00:03:32,776 I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the breakup, 101 00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:34,997 so I'll probably be watching Dirty Dancing 102 00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:36,389 at least six or seven times. 103 00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:37,564 A day. 104 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,175 Um, I'm a teacher, 105 00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:41,264 so I bring home a lot of popsicle sticks, 106 00:03:41,350 --> 00:03:43,091 stuff like that. 107 00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,399 Also, I like to sing to myself, a lot. 108 00:03:45,485 --> 00:03:47,704 ♪ A lot. ♪ 109 00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:50,229 I'm tired of living with my friend. 110 00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:53,014 She's a model. All her friends are models. 111 00:03:53,102 --> 00:03:54,930 Uh, how soon can you move in? 112 00:03:55,016 --> 00:03:56,409 Actually, Schmidt, slow up.Not happening. 113 00:03:56,497 --> 00:03:58,324 Okay, uh, could you give us a second? 114 00:03:58,412 --> 00:04:00,370 I just got to... got to talk to my boys. 115 00:04:00,456 --> 00:04:01,849 "My boys" is not a thing. 116 00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:03,199 My bros, okay?Okay, douche bag jar. 117 00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:04,634 SCHMIDT: What? You're my bros. 118 00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:05,680 I'm gonna say yes. 119 00:04:05,766 --> 00:04:07,115 Her friends are models. 120 00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:08,900 Okay, you guys? Models. 121 00:04:08,986 --> 00:04:10,510 I say no. 122 00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,425 I need to be able to come home from work, 123 00:04:12,513 --> 00:04:14,079 sit on my couch and let my beans out. 124 00:04:14,165 --> 00:04:15,864 Nick, it's all you, buddy. 125 00:04:15,950 --> 00:04:17,560 Well, first let me say, 126 00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:19,867 I think you guys make some really interesting points, 127 00:04:19,954 --> 00:04:22,173 points that I respect, but I will say this. 128 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,088 I have lived with a woman-- Caroline, as you guys know-- 129 00:04:24,175 --> 00:04:25,699 and so I know that there are pros 130 00:04:25,786 --> 00:04:27,310 and I know that there are real cons, guys. 131 00:04:27,396 --> 00:04:28,790 Nick, you're weak!Okay, pro: 132 00:04:28,877 --> 00:04:29,920 they smell nice. 133 00:04:30,007 --> 00:04:31,358 Cons: 134 00:04:31,444 --> 00:04:33,576 every once in a while, the mood changes 135 00:04:33,663 --> 00:04:35,012 and you're not sure why. 136 00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,667 They'll ruin your life if you let them. 137 00:04:36,754 --> 00:04:38,278 They'll break down your will to live. 138 00:04:38,365 --> 00:04:40,018 Pros: they're really good at folding. 139 00:04:40,105 --> 00:04:41,932 Make a decision!I'm sorry, you know. 140 00:04:42,019 --> 00:04:43,021 But, like, another pro, like... 141 00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:44,153 Oh, don't do it. I'm gonna. 142 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,590 Put it down. Don't hood me. 143 00:04:46,677 --> 00:04:48,331 You guys don't know what you're talking about. 144 00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:49,723 Please don't hood me.I know what I'm talking about. 145 00:04:49,810 --> 00:04:50,942 Okay. Pushed him too hard. 146 00:04:51,028 --> 00:04:52,509 We did push him too hard. How about this? 147 00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:54,641 Executive decision. She's in. 148 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:57,252 JESS: Yay, I'm in! 149 00:05:01,952 --> 00:05:04,434 You are not gonna regret this. 150 00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:06,523 [Jess sobbing] 151 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:07,742 ♪ The time of my life ♪ 152 00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:13,050 ♪ No, I never felt like this before ♪ 153 00:05:13,137 --> 00:05:15,358 ♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪ 154 00:05:15,444 --> 00:05:17,707 What have you done, Schmidt? 155 00:05:17,795 --> 00:05:20,276 [Jess blowing nose] 156 00:05:23,148 --> 00:05:26,891 I got to go, Mom. No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing. 157 00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:30,677 No, I don't think so. 158 00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:33,071 Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're 159 00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:34,290 a stranger I met on the Internet? 160 00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:35,290 Yes, I am. 161 00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:36,639 He says no. 162 00:05:36,726 --> 00:05:39,076 No, look, I got to go. Okay. 163 00:05:39,163 --> 00:05:40,687 All right, love you. Bye. 164 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:41,906 SCHMIDT: So the Wild West party's on Saturday. 165 00:05:41,992 --> 00:05:43,430 I'm trying to get us in, 166 00:05:43,516 --> 00:05:46,257 but you may need to call Caroline. 167 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,564 I'm not calling Caroline.Nick, hear me out... 168 00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:48,870 Shh. 169 00:05:48,956 --> 00:05:51,742 ♪ Had the time of my life ♪ 170 00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:54,396 We are in this situation because of you. 171 00:05:54,483 --> 00:05:56,877 I hate your face, Spencer... 172 00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:57,966 It has been 173 00:05:58,052 --> 00:05:59,836 a week of this madness. 174 00:05:59,923 --> 00:06:01,447 I'm going crazy, Schmidt. I can't take it. 175 00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:04,841 Know what, I got this. 176 00:06:04,928 --> 00:06:06,843 ♪ Now I finally found someone to stand by me... ♪ 177 00:06:06,930 --> 00:06:08,324 Hi, Coach. 178 00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:09,803 Stop it. 179 00:06:11,021 --> 00:06:12,197 Stop. 180 00:06:12,283 --> 00:06:13,329 [wailing] 181 00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:14,677 Schmidt. 182 00:06:14,764 --> 00:06:16,158 Okay, all right. 183 00:06:16,245 --> 00:06:18,202 I got us into this, I'm gonna get us out. 184 00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:20,074 Jess, I'm gonna take the remote. 185 00:06:20,161 --> 00:06:21,119 [turns off TV] 186 00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:22,730 All right, all right. 187 00:06:22,817 --> 00:06:24,949 Hey, Jess, how you doing? 188 00:06:25,036 --> 00:06:27,430 Listen, what if you came out with us tonight? 189 00:06:27,516 --> 00:06:28,952 You know, after work. 190 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,086 You know, we'll fix you up, we'll take you out, 191 00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:32,348 we'll get you a rebound. 192 00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:34,305 A rebound? 193 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,394 Yeah. 194 00:06:35,481 --> 00:06:37,658 I don't know if I'm ready. 195 00:06:37,745 --> 00:06:39,180 You're totally ready for it. 196 00:06:39,268 --> 00:06:40,661 I'll take you through the whole thing. 197 00:06:40,747 --> 00:06:42,358 You know, I'll-I'll be like your guide. 198 00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:45,143 Like Gandalf through Middle-earth? 199 00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:47,362 Probably not like... okay. 200 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:48,843 First of all, let's just, let's take 201 00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:50,365 the Lord of the Rings references, 202 00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,542 let's put them in a deep dark cave, 203 00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:54,196 okay, where no one's gonna find them, ever. 204 00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:55,675 Except Sméagol. 205 00:06:55,762 --> 00:06:57,242 [whispers]: He lives in a cave. 206 00:06:57,329 --> 00:06:58,896 You know what, Jess, come on. 207 00:06:58,983 --> 00:07:00,463 Let's just take the head off-off the couch. 208 00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,029 Come on. 209 00:07:02,117 --> 00:07:03,247 Sit up, girl. There you go. 210 00:07:03,334 --> 00:07:04,423 Look at that. 211 00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:06,338 Doesn't that feel good? 212 00:07:06,425 --> 00:07:08,471 There we go. 213 00:07:08,557 --> 00:07:11,387 I think that sounds nice. [sniffles] 214 00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:14,824 ♪ She's going out to find a rebound ♪ 215 00:07:14,911 --> 00:07:16,957 ♪ Who's that girl? It's Jess. ♪ 216 00:07:17,045 --> 00:07:20,656 Wait, did you just make up a theme song for yourself? 217 00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:23,050 I'm-I'm gonna fix it. 218 00:07:23,137 --> 00:07:24,966 NICK: I'm not calling 219 00:07:25,052 --> 00:07:27,271 my ex-girlfriend to get you into a party. 220 00:07:27,358 --> 00:07:29,230 This party is everything to me. 221 00:07:29,317 --> 00:07:31,451 Please, Nick. We go every year. 222 00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,757 You have no idea what I'm going through at work. 223 00:07:33,843 --> 00:07:35,192 [women clamoring]I'm just trying to do my work! 224 00:07:35,279 --> 00:07:36,499 I'm trying to do a good job here! 225 00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:37,718 Nice tie. 226 00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:39,370 Can I borrow a tampon? 227 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,286 [laughter] 228 00:07:41,372 --> 00:07:42,853 [shudders] 229 00:07:42,939 --> 00:07:43,941 Schmidt, I'm not calling her. 230 00:07:44,028 --> 00:07:45,202 [shower running]Listen to me. 231 00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:47,031 Knowing every year that I will be 232 00:07:47,117 --> 00:07:48,858 going to the Wild Wild West Charity Auction for Poverty 233 00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:49,990 reminds me that 234 00:07:50,077 --> 00:07:51,471 I'm still a man, 235 00:07:51,557 --> 00:07:53,124 and I can still motorboat a hot girl 236 00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:55,952 who is also a member of the Cherokee Nation, 237 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,043 which is not racist, because it is for a good cause. 238 00:07:59,129 --> 00:08:00,740 JESS: Somebody's in here.We're leaving in ten minutes. 239 00:08:00,827 --> 00:08:01,610 Did you shave your legs? 240 00:08:01,697 --> 00:08:03,134 I will now. 241 00:08:03,221 --> 00:08:05,005 Front and backs? 242 00:08:05,093 --> 00:08:06,398 Yes. Thank you. 243 00:08:06,485 --> 00:08:07,877 I'm gonna kill myself now. 244 00:08:07,964 --> 00:08:08,836 Just call Caroline. You call her 245 00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:10,314 all the time when you're drunk. 246 00:08:10,401 --> 00:08:11,882 I don't know to what you are referring. 247 00:08:11,968 --> 00:08:15,016 [Cockney accent]: Hello, Caroline. 248 00:08:15,103 --> 00:08:17,060 I still love you. 249 00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:19,629 So much. 250 00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:23,067 So... much. 251 00:08:23,153 --> 00:08:24,764 I'm not calling her. 252 00:08:24,851 --> 00:08:26,853 Schmidt, I know you really want to go to this party, 253 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,595 but wouldn't it be better 254 00:08:28,682 --> 00:08:32,293 to find a girl who you really care about to motorboat? 255 00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:35,253 Then maybe, if you're super lucky, 256 00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:38,952 you might find a girl who'll motorboat you right back. 257 00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:40,215 I don't think she knows what motorboating is. 258 00:08:43,913 --> 00:08:45,220 Beers and a rosé. 259 00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:48,658 Pink wine makes me slutty. 260 00:08:49,919 --> 00:08:52,356 Whoa, cute guy alert. 261 00:08:52,443 --> 00:08:54,707 [imitating cartoon sound effects] 262 00:08:54,794 --> 00:08:56,491 SCHMIDT: Okay, Jess, game time. 263 00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:58,145 Let's do this. 264 00:08:58,232 --> 00:08:59,102 You want to forget about Spencer, 265 00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:00,495 you're gonna have to 266 00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:04,152 do some very, very bad things... 267 00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:05,544 with that man right over there. 268 00:09:05,631 --> 00:09:07,154 How bad? 269 00:09:07,241 --> 00:09:08,285 Real bad, Jess. 270 00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:10,724 Like a make out sesh, no tops? 271 00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:14,205 Okay, this is what, this is what's gonna happen. 272 00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:16,903 You're gonna go over there and you're gonna stand next to him 273 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:17,904 and you're gonna smile. 274 00:09:19,297 --> 00:09:20,559 You're not gonna smile like that. 275 00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,386 You look like 276 00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:23,519 a hungry badger. 277 00:09:25,259 --> 00:09:26,347 Stop that. 278 00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:27,697 Okay, I got this, I got this. 279 00:09:27,783 --> 00:09:29,220 You-you got it. Just go make it happen. 280 00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:30,307 COACH: Game on! Grind it out! 281 00:09:30,394 --> 00:09:31,482 SCHMIDT: Go do it!Grind it out! 282 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,875 [laughs] 283 00:09:36,052 --> 00:09:37,533 Hey, sailor. 284 00:09:38,751 --> 00:09:40,230 Oh, all right. All right. 285 00:09:40,317 --> 00:09:41,318 That's okay. Maybe he didn't hear that. 286 00:09:41,405 --> 00:09:42,102 You can come back from that. 287 00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:43,321 You're all good. 288 00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,846 Holy Schmidt! It's Schmidt! 289 00:09:45,932 --> 00:09:48,065 Oh, it is all about the Benjamin! 290 00:09:48,152 --> 00:09:49,413 That's right.What's up?! 291 00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:50,677 What's up, man?All right. 292 00:09:50,764 --> 00:09:51,677 P-Funk, what's up, dude? 293 00:09:51,764 --> 00:09:52,765 This is Coach. 294 00:09:52,852 --> 00:09:53,809 What's up, Coach? 295 00:09:59,293 --> 00:10:00,600 You like parties? 296 00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:01,774 [chuckles]Don't talk to me. 297 00:10:01,861 --> 00:10:03,341 Yeah, okay. 298 00:10:03,427 --> 00:10:04,691 You know who likes to party hard, right? 299 00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,301 Yeah. So you coming on Saturday? 300 00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:08,216 I hear there's gonna be some fine ladies there. 301 00:10:08,302 --> 00:10:09,783 Ah, maybe, yeah. I heard 302 00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,261 it's not gonna be that good this year. No? 303 00:10:11,349 --> 00:10:12,307 Are you not on the list? 304 00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:13,524 Man, I'm on the list. 305 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:14,614 You know that. Ah. 306 00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,005 That sucks, man. 307 00:10:16,092 --> 00:10:17,791 Keep your head up, all right? 308 00:10:17,878 --> 00:10:19,052 All right, player. 309 00:10:19,139 --> 00:10:20,880 Do your thing, man. It was good seeing you. 310 00:10:20,967 --> 00:10:21,969 Take the sleazy, man. 311 00:10:22,056 --> 00:10:23,927 All right, man. P-Funk always. 312 00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:26,538 Nick, please. Why are you friends with those guys? 313 00:10:26,625 --> 00:10:28,496 Nick, please get me in the party. I'm begging you. Please. 314 00:10:28,583 --> 00:10:29,889 No, I'm not calling Caroline. 315 00:10:29,976 --> 00:10:30,977 Do you know what a cute cowboy I am? 316 00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:32,196 Do you have any idea? 317 00:10:34,154 --> 00:10:36,374 Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy. 318 00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:38,899 I don't think you're trying that hard. 319 00:10:38,985 --> 00:10:42,119 Well, I've never really been great at this stuff, so... 320 00:10:42,206 --> 00:10:45,340 ♪ What if God was one of us ♪ 321 00:10:45,427 --> 00:10:47,690 Make it stop! 322 00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:50,039 ♪ Just a slob like one of us... ♪ 323 00:10:50,126 --> 00:10:52,173 Look at us. 324 00:10:52,259 --> 00:10:53,653 Couple of losers. 325 00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:56,046 We both got dumped. Geesh. 326 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,613 I'm fine. 327 00:10:57,700 --> 00:10:59,571 Six months ago, so... 328 00:10:59,658 --> 00:11:01,008 Do you know why she dumped you? 329 00:11:01,095 --> 00:11:02,530 I mean, she must have hurt you pretty bad. 330 00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,097 No, no. It made no difference to me. 331 00:11:04,184 --> 00:11:05,794 I just wanted to set her trash cans on fire. 332 00:11:05,881 --> 00:11:07,144 So you were always just, like, 333 00:11:07,230 --> 00:11:08,971 wondering, like, "What was it? 334 00:11:09,058 --> 00:11:10,451 Was there something I could have done differently?" 335 00:11:12,583 --> 00:11:14,934 You know what happens to people who keep it all inside. 336 00:11:15,022 --> 00:11:18,241 They get old, and they get sad, and they get weird, 337 00:11:18,328 --> 00:11:19,765 and then you're the old man, and you're yelling at the kids 338 00:11:19,852 --> 00:11:21,549 who are running across your yard. 339 00:11:21,636 --> 00:11:23,595 And you're telling them, 340 00:11:23,682 --> 00:11:25,466 "Don't run across my yard. My life's filled with regret." 341 00:11:25,553 --> 00:11:27,511 You know, you can't just 342 00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:29,557 pretend like it didn't happen. 343 00:11:29,644 --> 00:11:32,299 Or I could pretend to be more like you, 344 00:11:32,386 --> 00:11:35,302 Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow 345 00:11:35,389 --> 00:11:38,871 and drive a unicorn around, and just sing all the time. 346 00:11:38,959 --> 00:11:41,091 Yeah, I think you should sing all the time. 347 00:11:41,177 --> 00:11:43,136 No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that, Jess. 348 00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:45,139 Why not? It's fun. 349 00:11:45,225 --> 00:11:46,662 Because I have a penis. 350 00:11:46,749 --> 00:11:49,360 ♪ My name is Nick, I have a penis ♪ 351 00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:52,841 ♪ And I'm not gonna let any feelings out. ♪ 352 00:11:52,928 --> 00:11:55,105 Okay, Jess, your left boob is resting 353 00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:56,672 on a plate of chicken wings. 354 00:11:56,759 --> 00:11:58,717 Yeah. I know. 355 00:12:00,414 --> 00:12:01,371 Hey. 356 00:12:01,458 --> 00:12:03,157 I'm Peter. 357 00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:05,115 What are you drinking? 358 00:12:05,201 --> 00:12:06,812 Oh, I'll have another pink wine. 359 00:12:06,899 --> 00:12:08,466 PETER: I like your glasses. 360 00:12:08,552 --> 00:12:10,120 JESS: They help me see. 361 00:12:10,206 --> 00:12:11,991 [laughing] 362 00:12:12,078 --> 00:12:13,514 She's doing all right, hmm? 363 00:12:13,601 --> 00:12:15,081 Schmidt stain! 364 00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:17,126 Hey, man, I was thinking, 365 00:12:17,213 --> 00:12:18,868 it's probably better that you don't come to the party. 366 00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:20,390 That means more breasts for me. 367 00:12:20,477 --> 00:12:21,566 [laughs] 368 00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:23,480 You better step down, son. 369 00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:24,831 You're taking this whole thing too far. I'm ser... 370 00:12:24,918 --> 00:12:26,309 Hold me back, Coach. I'm-I'm ser... 371 00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:28,008 Hold me back. Hold me back! 372 00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:30,400 Coach, would you please hold me back? No. 373 00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:32,229 Schmidt, we're going to the party. Relax. 374 00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:33,490 Nice. See you there, Schmitty. 375 00:12:33,577 --> 00:12:35,057 Ah, totally, bro. 376 00:12:35,144 --> 00:12:36,451 Yeah, I texted Caroline. 377 00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:37,668 You texted Caroline? 378 00:12:37,756 --> 00:12:40,062 Thank you. I love you, bro. 379 00:12:40,149 --> 00:12:42,326 Yeah, there it is. 380 00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,067 Did you just kiss my arm a little? You bet I did. It felt right. 381 00:12:44,153 --> 00:12:45,677 So, I'll see you tomorrow, sailor. 382 00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:49,419 Yeah, cool. Call... Cool. 383 00:12:49,506 --> 00:12:51,030 What's happening tomorrow, sailor? 384 00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:53,076 You know what? You guys were totally right. 385 00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:55,251 I talked in short sentences, I didn't sing, 386 00:12:55,338 --> 00:12:58,125 I laughed, I smiled, I said I needed rebound sex, 387 00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:00,909 and it totally worked. He asked me out. 388 00:13:00,996 --> 00:13:02,606 Dinner! 389 00:13:02,693 --> 00:13:04,173 With food. 390 00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:05,827 ♪ Ooh, ooh! ♪ 391 00:13:05,914 --> 00:13:07,307 I'm so proud of you. You got it, girl. 392 00:13:07,394 --> 00:13:09,484 You did good. Yeah, you put it diz-out! 393 00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:10,919 ♪ A date. ♪ Mm. 394 00:13:11,006 --> 00:13:14,053 ♪ It's Jess, she's on fire ♪ 395 00:13:14,140 --> 00:13:15,576 ♪ She's on fire. ♪ 396 00:13:15,663 --> 00:13:17,360 [guys groan] 397 00:13:17,447 --> 00:13:19,058 COACH: She's got some big ass panties. 398 00:13:19,145 --> 00:13:20,321 All right, should we tell her? 399 00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:21,582 I think we let her have her moment. 400 00:13:32,072 --> 00:13:34,029 Do the shoes fit, Jess? 401 00:13:34,116 --> 00:13:35,249 [footsteps, thudding] 402 00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:36,859 JESS: I'm okay. 403 00:13:36,946 --> 00:13:38,730 What, are you a model or something? 404 00:13:38,817 --> 00:13:40,601 Yeah. 405 00:13:40,688 --> 00:13:44,258 Yes. Mostly print right now, so... 406 00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:45,649 What is it, Cece? 407 00:13:45,736 --> 00:13:47,609 Cecilia? 408 00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:49,697 Checilia? 409 00:13:49,784 --> 00:13:51,394 Tell me, what are your hopes and dreams? 410 00:13:51,481 --> 00:13:52,831 You know, are you warm? I'm a little... 411 00:13:52,918 --> 00:13:54,268 [laughs] I'm a little warm right now. 412 00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:56,182 Don't, Schmidt. All right. 413 00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:57,619 Oh, yeah. There it is. 414 00:13:57,706 --> 00:13:59,229 [inhales deeply] 415 00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:00,796 Please put your shirt back on. 416 00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,971 Please don't make me laugh at you. 417 00:14:03,058 --> 00:14:04,712 Can I hit you up with some tea? 418 00:14:04,799 --> 00:14:06,802 A little herb tea. Ugh. 419 00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:08,586 SCHMIDT: Oh, my God. 420 00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:10,413 How good is that? For real? What? 421 00:14:10,500 --> 00:14:12,111 Little p-mint tea? 422 00:14:12,198 --> 00:14:13,548 Yum, right? 423 00:14:13,634 --> 00:14:15,811 Hot, sweet. 424 00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:17,508 Little tea bag action. 425 00:14:18,552 --> 00:14:21,076 And, I wasn't... 426 00:14:21,163 --> 00:14:22,513 I wasn't talking about... 427 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,080 There it is. 428 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,690 Douche bag. 429 00:14:25,777 --> 00:14:27,388 Listen to me, you guys. 430 00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:29,563 Jess is by far the best person that I know, 431 00:14:29,650 --> 00:14:32,000 so, if you guys let anything happen to her, I'm gonna 432 00:14:32,087 --> 00:14:34,134 come here and crazy murder you. 433 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,919 I'm gonna be honest with you. 434 00:14:38,006 --> 00:14:40,618 I did not hear a word that you just said, 435 00:14:40,705 --> 00:14:42,142 'cause I can kind of see your party hats right now. 436 00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:44,840 There you go. Jess! 437 00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:46,320 SCHMIDT: Yeah, I can see the party hats for sure. 438 00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:48,365 Why are you talking like this? 439 00:14:50,498 --> 00:14:53,022 I fell off my heels. 440 00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:55,546 Okay, all right. Now, come on. 441 00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:57,765 Get up. Oh, what am I doing? 442 00:14:57,852 --> 00:14:59,724 I can't go on a date. What if it's horrible? 443 00:14:59,811 --> 00:15:01,552 What if I have nothing to talk about? 444 00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:02,945 Then you go to the bathroom, and you call me, 445 00:15:03,032 --> 00:15:04,642 and you tell me all about it. 446 00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:06,948 Maybe I just shouldn't go. 447 00:15:07,035 --> 00:15:08,690 Babe, you got hurt. 448 00:15:08,777 --> 00:15:09,734 That doesn't mean you stop trying. 449 00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:11,388 Okay? 450 00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:12,693 Yeah, okay. Okay, let's go. 451 00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:14,000 Come on. 452 00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:18,047 [sighs] 453 00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:20,005 You got to take off those overalls. 454 00:15:20,092 --> 00:15:22,269 I was going for, like, a... 455 00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:25,184 like, a hot farmer's daughter kind of thing. 456 00:15:25,272 --> 00:15:29,101 You know, like, "Oh, I'm going to go milk my cows 457 00:15:29,188 --> 00:15:31,104 with my bucket." 458 00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:32,669 Take 'em off. 459 00:15:32,756 --> 00:15:35,629 Okay. What am I gonna wear? 460 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:47,903 Wow! 461 00:15:48,860 --> 00:15:51,298 Thanks, Coach. 462 00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:54,475 [beatboxing] 463 00:15:54,562 --> 00:15:56,476 And then she does that. 464 00:15:56,563 --> 00:15:59,523 I'm gonna text him, tell him I'm headed over. 465 00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,134 Wait. Have you been texting him? 466 00:16:01,221 --> 00:16:02,395 Is that bad? 467 00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:05,659 No. It's nice. 468 00:16:05,746 --> 00:16:08,183 Have a good night. 469 00:16:08,270 --> 00:16:10,881 This is gonna be great. 470 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,668 SCHMIDT: Coach, you don't look anything like an Indian. 471 00:16:13,754 --> 00:16:15,582 Look, man, I got your back. You got to have mine, too. 472 00:16:15,669 --> 00:16:17,149 Coach, I got your back. 473 00:16:17,236 --> 00:16:18,846 No, Nick. I want to hear it from him. 474 00:16:18,933 --> 00:16:20,804 Coach, what sort of Indian wears bike shorts? 475 00:16:20,892 --> 00:16:23,024 Excuse me. Is, uh...? Caroline. I'm looking for Caroline. 476 00:16:23,111 --> 00:16:24,634 We're supposed to be on some list. 477 00:16:24,721 --> 00:16:26,072 Hey, Nick. 478 00:16:27,508 --> 00:16:28,639 Thanks. 479 00:16:28,725 --> 00:16:30,727 Sorry I'm wearing 480 00:16:30,815 --> 00:16:31,816 this stupid thing. 481 00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:33,774 Schmidt made me do it. 482 00:16:33,861 --> 00:16:36,429 Thank you so much for getting us in.Yeah. No problem. 483 00:16:36,517 --> 00:16:39,823 Maybe to pay me back, you can stop prank calling me. What? 484 00:16:39,911 --> 00:16:42,217 [Cockney accent]: Uh... "Hello... Caroline. 485 00:16:42,304 --> 00:16:44,394 I still loves you, I do." 486 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:45,743 Yeah, you got to figure that out. 487 00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,005 Some crazy person's calling you. 488 00:16:47,092 --> 00:16:48,268 [laughs]You look nice. 489 00:16:48,355 --> 00:16:50,009 It's good to see you. 490 00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:54,187 Um, I-I think I'm almost finished out here if you... 491 00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:57,102 Do you want to go grab a drink? 492 00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,842 Yeah. Yeah? 493 00:16:58,929 --> 00:17:01,019 Sure. Yeah. Let's 494 00:17:01,106 --> 00:17:03,109 you and I just get a drink.Let's get a drink. 495 00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:04,153 Just be normal about it. Okay. 496 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,546 Actually, hold on. I'm sorry. 497 00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,461 I just... I have to ask you something 498 00:17:07,548 --> 00:17:10,289 so that one day I'm not an old man filled with regret. 499 00:17:10,376 --> 00:17:12,465 But why did you dump me? 500 00:17:12,553 --> 00:17:15,685 Um... Do... Okay. 501 00:17:15,772 --> 00:17:19,167 Are we doing this here, like, now? 502 00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:21,083 Yeah. 503 00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:23,128 Why did you dump me? 504 00:17:23,215 --> 00:17:27,394 Um... honestly, 505 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,917 I... I didn't even realize 506 00:17:30,005 --> 00:17:32,834 that you cared about me until we broke up. 507 00:17:34,749 --> 00:17:37,143 Okay. 508 00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:40,232 Let's get that drink. 509 00:17:40,319 --> 00:17:41,407 BENJAMIN: Get along, little doggy. 510 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:44,627 Well, howdy there, muchachos. 511 00:17:44,714 --> 00:17:46,065 NICK: Hey, 512 00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:47,848 where's Jess? 513 00:17:47,935 --> 00:17:49,894 Oh, dude, she texted me seven times. 514 00:17:49,980 --> 00:17:52,375 Like, long ones. I just wanted to hook up. 515 00:17:52,461 --> 00:17:56,117 So, is she waiting for you to show up, or did you call her? 516 00:17:56,204 --> 00:17:58,424 Yeah, that's what I did. I called her. 517 00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:01,210 [laughter] 518 00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:03,517 See you inside, Schmidt. 519 00:18:04,865 --> 00:18:07,128 CAROLINE: Nick? 520 00:18:07,215 --> 00:18:08,695 Want to get that drink? 521 00:18:11,525 --> 00:18:14,180 No. I got to go help a friend, Caroline. 522 00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:17,138 No, no, no, no, no. Guys, this is 523 00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:18,575 the party of the year, you guys. 524 00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:20,055 This is our night. This is our night! 525 00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:21,273 I'm going with Nick, man. You coming? 526 00:18:21,361 --> 00:18:22,752 I thought you guys were my boys! 527 00:18:22,839 --> 00:18:25,669 "My boys" is not a thing, Schmidt. Stop. 528 00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:27,932 COACH: We're coming, Jess! 529 00:18:39,769 --> 00:18:41,684 Oh! 530 00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:53,958 Do you have anything else that is free, 531 00:18:54,045 --> 00:18:55,960 but also has bread in it? 532 00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,919 Because the-the... the, like, good bread I ate, and the... 533 00:18:58,006 --> 00:18:59,702 All that's left is, like, a... 534 00:18:59,789 --> 00:19:01,314 It's, like... it's kind of like a health bread. 535 00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:03,316 I'm sorry. 536 00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:05,491 We're going to have to ask you to give up the table. 537 00:19:07,884 --> 00:19:11,672 Um, can I please just stay just a little bit longer? 538 00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:12,977 NICK: We're here. 539 00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:14,674 Yup. 540 00:19:14,761 --> 00:19:16,285 We're here, Jess. We're here. 541 00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:17,678 We're here for the date. 542 00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:19,114 Date thing.Phew. 543 00:19:19,201 --> 00:19:20,201 You're all on a date? 544 00:19:20,288 --> 00:19:21,289 NICK: Yeah. 545 00:19:21,376 --> 00:19:22,813 We, uh... we're her boyfriends. 546 00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,467 We are reverse Mormons. 547 00:19:24,554 --> 00:19:26,121 One man just isn't enough for her. Okay. 548 00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:30,559 Hey, Jess, that guy was a jerk. 549 00:19:30,646 --> 00:19:33,259 Yeah. He was a clown. 550 00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:38,001 You guys missed your party to come here and... see me? 551 00:19:38,088 --> 00:19:40,961 Yeah. We, uh... we care about you. 552 00:19:41,048 --> 00:19:42,746 We like you. 553 00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,487 [crying]: That's so nice. 554 00:19:44,574 --> 00:19:46,009 What is that?Don't start crying. 555 00:19:46,096 --> 00:19:47,621 Come on. 556 00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:48,925 It's cool. It's very, very cool. 557 00:19:49,012 --> 00:19:50,231 NICK: Come on, Jess. Come on. 558 00:19:50,318 --> 00:19:51,625 Please? Stop it! 559 00:19:51,711 --> 00:19:52,712 Coach. All right. 560 00:19:52,799 --> 00:19:54,018 It's okay. Hey. 561 00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:55,715 Don't cry. 562 00:19:55,802 --> 00:19:58,197 ♪ For I've had ♪ 563 00:19:58,284 --> 00:20:00,807 ♪ The time of my life ♪ 564 00:20:00,894 --> 00:20:03,375 COACH: What is he doing? 565 00:20:03,462 --> 00:20:04,637 ♪ And I've never felt this way before ♪ 566 00:20:04,724 --> 00:20:07,596 ♪ Yes, it's true ♪ 567 00:20:07,683 --> 00:20:10,077 ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, and something ♪ 568 00:20:10,164 --> 00:20:11,471 ♪ Something, something... ♪ 569 00:20:11,557 --> 00:20:14,865 ♪ Oh, those bears in my house ♪ 570 00:20:14,951 --> 00:20:16,432 ♪ And it's the song that makes you really, really happy ♪ 571 00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:18,433 I'm not, uh, I'm not participating in this. 572 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:23,482 ♪ Just remember you're the one thing ♪ 573 00:20:23,569 --> 00:20:27,400 [grunts]♪ I can't get enough of ♪ 574 00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:29,444 [laughs] 575 00:20:29,531 --> 00:20:31,969 [all singing different lyrics] 576 00:20:32,056 --> 00:20:36,322 [all singing] 577 00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:39,019 ♪ I've had ♪ 578 00:20:39,106 --> 00:20:41,326 ♪ The time of my life ♪ 579 00:20:41,413 --> 00:20:43,851 ♪ And I owe it all to you ♪ 580 00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:45,068 Come on, what time is it? 581 00:20:45,155 --> 00:20:48,247 ♪ The time of my life... ♪ 582 00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:49,638 Hey![Coach sings high note] 583 00:20:49,726 --> 00:20:51,423 It was nice. 584 00:20:51,510 --> 00:20:52,816 You have to leave now, all of you. 585 00:20:54,339 --> 00:20:57,080 ♪ I've had ♪ 586 00:20:57,167 --> 00:21:00,171 ♪ The time of my life ♪ 587 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,781 [indistinct chatter and singing] 588 00:21:01,868 --> 00:21:03,392 ♪ And I never felt this way before ♪ 589 00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:10,094 ♪ I swear it's the truth, and I... ♪ 590 00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:12,096 Seriously, thank you guys so much for tonight. 591 00:21:12,182 --> 00:21:15,925 That was really cool. 592 00:21:16,012 --> 00:21:18,015 ♪ For I've had the time of my life... ♪ 593 00:21:18,102 --> 00:21:19,233 SCHMIDT: Listen, Jess, 594 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:22,759 I just want you to know that, I mean, 595 00:21:22,846 --> 00:21:26,285 for me at least that no matter what, 596 00:21:26,372 --> 00:21:28,329 I would still totally do you. 597 00:21:28,416 --> 00:21:31,507 Oh, that's so sweet. 598 00:21:31,594 --> 00:21:33,248 Yeah. Absolutely. 599 00:21:33,335 --> 00:21:35,250 Jar. Yeah. Jar.